Would You Date a 25 Year Old Man Who Has Never Had a Girlfriend?

[ascendotum]

Thank you for all the positive words guys

 

I am a happy person in real life but I tend to get very negative about dating. I really need to change that but I just find it so hard to be positive towards dating

 

Its somewhat natural to be negative as time goes on and you have not had any success, just don't show it IRL. From your tone of posts I suspect you don't. As others have pointed out you are a decent looking guy so I'm surprised you have not had options when you are out (you said something about work hard, play hard) at a club/bar/live music venue with your mates and whatever girls are in your social group. You'll do well if you start striking up some conversations for sure.

 

As for the 25 and never had a gf, there is a bit of a stigma to that. Girls here might say it doesn't matter, but hearing conversations from numerous women over the years it does (maybe not majority but for quite a lot). Also stories back from other guys I knew who were long term single, and how things tanked with a new woman when she found out. I experienced it a bit just coming back into dating after being single over 3 yrs with an illness. You could just tell. Happened quite a few times, then I started to put on weight and looked healthier got ONSs, more confident, and then it didn't matter so much and I got a gf.

If you had still been fat and had the lower confidence I am sure the no gf issue would be a stigma for a number of women. The fact you look pretty good now (no homo) I am sure like how women ignore more red flags the better looking a guy is, that you'll be fine. Despite what I said above, don't go into dating thinking you have this negative stigma. You have not experienced any change in demeanor yet from girls when you tell them, so just wait and see. When it comes up don't act remorseful or disappointed in yourself over it.

Edited February 19, 2014 by ascendotum

[Noproblem]

You'll get what you want, stop worrying and relax!

[Sivok]

Its somewhat natural to be negative as time goes on and you have not had any success, just don't show it IRL. From your tone of posts I suspect you don't. As others have pointed out you are a decent looking guy so I'm surprised you have not had options when you are out (you said something about work hard, play hard) at a club/bar/live music venue with your mates and whatever girls are in your social group. You'll do well if you start striking up some conversations for sure.

 

As for the 25 and never had a gf, there is a bit of a stigma to that. Girls here might say it doesn't matter, but hearing conversations from numerous women over the years it does (maybe not majority but for quite a lot). Also stories back from other guys I knew who were long term single, and how things tanked with a new woman when she found out. I experienced it a bit just coming back into dating after being single over 3 yrs with an illness. You could just tell. Happened quite a few times, then I started to put on weight and looked healthier got ONSs, more confident, and then it didn't matter so much and I got a gf.

If you had still been fat and had the lower confidence I am sure the no gf issue would be a stigma for a number of women. The fact you look pretty good now (no homo) I am sure like how women ignore more red flags the better looking a guy is, that you'll be fine. Despite what I said above, don't go into dating thinking you have this negative stigma. You have not experienced any change in demeanor yet from girls when you tell them, so just wait and see. When it comes up don't act remorseful or disappointed in yourself over it.

Great points here.

 

And just a heads up. When you get your first girlfriend, you're going to fall for her pretty hard. You probably wouldn't have experienced that kind of emotionally intensity beforehand, and it'll overwhelm you. You'll begin to understand why people sometimes do seemingly irrational things in a relationship.

 

The kicker is, at your age, she's probably been through the ropes before. She has a better handle at dealing with those emotions - which is why late bloomers can at times be red flags. For all intents and purposes, you'll have the emotional maturity of a 13 year old just dating for the first time - and some women may not want to deal with that.

 

That being said, if you're in a situation where you feel you can become a bit more serious with a woman, definitely bring it up that she's your first relationship. If you find a fellow newbie - great! You can figure it out together. If she's more experienced - she may want to guide your emotional process during the ebb and flow of the relationship... Or she may know herself well enough that she can't deal with it and cut if off - which in the end would be best for both.

 

I know all the above is focused moreso on WHEN you get a girlfriend than the process of getting one, but in all honestly, your coming here and seeking advice about the matter is a huge stepping stone in reaching that goal.

[TB Rhine]

How does this help me though? How does getting rejected left and right help me become better at dating?

Up to a point, it allows you to practice talking to women, get better by DOING, and hopefully learn from your mistakes and figure out what works and what doesn't. Beyond a certain point, though (I'm talking where you've been actively approaching women for a year or more and are still striking out universally), it stops being a learning experience and becomes chronic, dysfunctional behavior. At this point, you have to be willing to re-examine your approach to dating from the ground up.

 

A few pointers:

 

Don't be quick to share your history of being overweight, or your general lack of romantic experience, with new women. These will be red flags for most of them, and they will talk themselves out of getting involved with you nine times out of ten, even if they actually like you.

 

Never give a girl your number. She will not call. Instead, get hers.

 

If you agree to meet a woman in a public place, be prepared for the fact that at least 50 percent of the time, they will not show up. I've heard many theories about this, from the idea that many women are just inconsiderate, to it being some kind of a "test" that they like to put new men through (to see how they react), to some guys actually believing that if a woman's not willling to have you pick her up and take her somewhere, she's not comfortable being around you, period. Your mileage may vary on this one.

 

If you do manage to get a date, kiss her at the end of it, regardless of how you feel like it went. If you don't, she'll conclude that you're either not interested in her (in which case she'll be hurt/offended), or too cowardly to go for it, in which case you'll be friendzoned immediately.

 

Seriously, DO NOT underestimate the importance of actually making a move. I once had a woman buy me dinner, invite me back to her place, spend hours sitting next to me on the couch talking, then invite me into her bedroom, where she proceeded to smoke pot in front of me (because she wanted to make sure I'd be comfortable with it, as it's not something I partake in myself). I didn't make a move, didn't so much as kiss her, because I was nervous, and I wasn't 150% sure what her reaction would be. Looking back, I could kick myself. (Needless to say, she picked a fight with me the next day over email - over our differing religious views, which strangely hadn't been an issue up to that point - and then proceeded to never see me again).

 

Take care with your appearance - figure out which look (or looks) flatter you best, and be consistent about them. As a big guy, I'm finicky about comfort, so I have a terrible habit of just throwing on a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts from time to time, instead of investing in a tucked-in shirt and nice slacks - even though I know I look a thousand percent better in the latter. If this is still an issue for you at all, take the extra time and effort (and sacrifice a little comfort) to present yourself in the best possible light at all times.

[Phoe]

 

If you do manage to get a date, kiss her at the end of it, regardless of how you feel like it went. If you don't, she'll conclude that you're either not interested in her (in which case she'll be hurt/offended), or too cowardly to go for it, in which case you'll be friendzoned immediately.

 

Seriously, DO NOT underestimate the importance of actually making a move.

 

Gotta disagree with this pointer.

 

 

I actually prefer it when a guy DOESN'T make a move to kiss me on the first date. It shows restraint and respect.

 

 

My boyfriend did not kiss me on our first date. He later told me that I was the first girl he ever didn't kiss on the first date. He said he liked me so much he wanted to wait, show respect, and keep getting to know me.

 

 

OP, if you wanna kiss a girl, kiss her. If you wanna hold off, that's okay too. Plenty of girls won't mind at all.

[Teraskas]

OLD isn't all bad.

 

 

I wasn't overwhelmed with messages at all. I got about 10 a day, which was decent but manageable.

 

 

Went on a date, liked the guy, and am now with him.

 

 

I think I was the 3rd girl he went on a date with. The first 2 didn't work for him, but I did. So for him, as a male, it wasn't all bad and worked out fine in the end.

 

 

So yeah, OLD is not all bad. And if nothing else you can get some dating practice.

 

How exactly isn't OLD bad when you're a guy ?

90% of those sites are nothing more than an uphill battle versus other males, vying for an ounce of attention.

Doesn't matter if you've written a good message with actual content, proper grammar and cohesion because those will be lost in the avalanche of the 'EHRMAHGERD URHAWT' or 'Hi, Usexy' one liner messages.

And I'm not even going to get started on the complete lack of response on women's end to a well composed message, lol.

Sure, it's a numbers game and it MIGHT eventually pay off, but let's face it...men will never have the amount of attention that women currently have on those sites.

 

On topic: Why wouldn't someone date a person who by the age of 25 has never had a GF ? Has society truly become so extremely shallow and judgemental ? Christ...what am I supposed to say when I still haven't found anyone at the age of 25 since my last breakup ?

'Hi, umm...I haven't been with anyone in the last 5 years because I've been getting rejected left and right.'

If that sends women running for the hills, then it only shows how extremely judgemental today's society has become.

[HappyLove]

Since you party hard, do you have a wingman? A friend that can hook you up with a cute girl help you break the ice? I think another good thing for you would be to join a meetup group. You can make some women friends and see that they don't bite!

[Phoe]

How exactly isn't OLD bad when you're a guy ?

90% of those sites are nothing more than an uphill battle versus other males, vying for an ounce of attention.

Doesn't matter if you've written a good message with actual content, proper grammar and cohesion because those will be lost in the avalanche of the 'EHRMAHGERD URHAWT' or 'Hi, Usexy' one liner messages.

And I'm not even going to get started on the complete lack of response on women's end to a well composed message, lol.

Sure, it's a numbers game and it MIGHT eventually pay off, but let's face it...men will never have the amount of attention that women currently have on those sites.

 

lol. you definitely misread or misunderstood my post.

 

 

at no point was I turning it into a competition between who gets more attention, or who has it harder, or stating that men have it easy. I know women get more attention. I know men have it hard a lot of the time.

 

 

The point of my message is that online dating is NOT ALL BAD.

 

 

Yes, I got more attention than your average male. About 10 messages a day. The point in me stating that is to show that while I was getting attention, it was manageable. I was not swamped or avalanched. I was able to respond to all of them. This whole "Women get 234987345 messages" thing is just such an overexagerration. Yes, she will have other messages than the one you sent her, but not some ungodly unreasonable amount. A woman who cares, will respond. If she doesnt respond, then she did not care, and who the heck wants to try for a woman who doesn't even care?

 

 

And by stating my success in OLD by saying I found someone, automatically means that there is a MAN who succeeded too. A normal, nice guy. He had a few lousy experiences to start, but kept at it, and finally found a girl. My story is not just about a woman who succeeded, it's about a normal, nice guy who succeeded at OLD too.

[Teraskas]

lol. you definitely misread or misunderstood my post.

 

 

at no point was I turning it into a competition between who gets more attention, or who has it harder, or stating that men have it easy. I know women get more attention. I know men have it hard a lot of the time.

 

 

The point of my message is that online dating is NOT ALL BAD.

 

 

Yes, I got more attention than your average male. About 10 messages a day. The point in me stating that is to show that while I was getting attention, it was manageable. I was not swamped or avalanched. I was able to respond to all of them. This whole "Women get 234987345 messages" thing is just such an overexagerration. Yes, she will have other messages than the one you sent her, but not some ungodly unreasonable amount. A woman who cares, will respond. If she doesnt respond, then she did not care, and who the heck wants to try for a woman who doesn't even care?

 

 

And by stating my success in OLD by saying I found someone, automatically means that there is a MAN who succeeded too. A normal, nice guy. He had a few lousy experiences to start, but kept at it, and finally found a girl. My story is not just about a woman who succeeded, it's about a normal, nice guy who succeeded at OLD too.

 

Yeah, reading it again makes me feel like an idiot now, sorry. xD

Been a tough day, head's still spinning from the frustration, lol. :/

 

Anyhow, grats that you found someone that way.

I'm just saying that I've nearly been at it for 2 years now and I have YET to meet a decent / normal woman who's genuinely looking for something more.

Personal experience has shown that nearly every woman I talk to there uses OLD as an ego boost, and nothing more.

Sure, I've had 3 dates thus far that way (from the one who actually bothered to respond and meet up ) yet, they were either only looking for friends, just got out of a relationship, still had ex-issues.

I mean, I'm just cursed in that department lol.

[Phoe]

I mean, I'm just cursed in that department lol.

 

Understandable that OLD can be super frustrating.

 

 

 

 

I'm just super positive about OLD on this forum, because I know that there are some good finds out there. There are women like me making accounts right now. Women who are going in with an open mind, open heart, and good intentions.

 

 

Sometimes not easy to find those ones, but they're there

[HeavenOrHell]

I know some men who were late starters and they're lovely, nothing wrong with them, just lacking confidence or whatever.

So I would say yes I would, if I were younger, but I'm late 40's, so for that reason you'd be too young for me

 

 

Long story short - I was fat in high school and it shattered my confidence with women. I've grown up, lost all the extra weight, become educated and successful, have a good amount of friends but I have never had a girlfriend. I just don't meet women at all in my day to day life and I find the cold approach to be incredibly daunting. I sometimes wonder if I will ever have a girlfriend. Would this be a huge red flag if you met somebody like this?

[Scales]

I had pretty decent success with OLD a few years back, had a nice relationship out of it. When it ended I decided to talk to women face to face for awhile and be a little bit less about relationships. I'm not sure why but maybe I just got lucky or maybe some of the research I did helped. OLD is a viable option if you are willing to put in the effort to make it work. I don't mean sending well thought out messages to the special ladies you like, I mean having very decent quality photos that follow certain guidelines, learning how to write interesting messages, learning when to lie and when to tell the truth, and how to set your apart from the vast sea of men.

 

Cold approaching is fun but it is a skill that has to be developed over time. You have to be a very emotionally strong person to cold approach because you will get crapped on from time to time like anything else. You have to be comfortable with the situation that her bf or her dad might show and be pissed off. You will be embarrassed, uncomfortable, and have trouble being yourself at first. Its worth it thought after you get used to conversations with strangers while being next to them. Ever had a conversation the check out person? its kind of like that. Except you can be a little more casual and flirty, and the goal is getting a number in the end.

 

Girls want to meet men too. Just talk to them in some way and progress.

[MissBee]

Some people are late bloomers, it's not a crime. That in itself would not be a red flag.

 

Admittedly though, it's one thing to not have had a serious gf versus never been out with a woman before or never dated or kissed. Not to say one needs to be ostracized for the latter things either, but I can fully understand a man perhaps dating but simply not ever having a serious gf at 25 but it would be a bit stranger if say he'd never been on a date or kissed a woman or had any experience at all with women.

[pluralist]

OP Yes I absolutely would consider dating someone who had never had a girlfriend before. I mean the fact of the matter is I have been in 'relationships' with men since I was 15 but none of them have ever actually officially referred to me as their girlfriend and have largely been casual on off relationships (2 of which went on for 3 years)

 

The point I am making is I could easily say the same thing as you, (I am 26) and have technically never had a boyfriend. I have my reasons though the same as you do and as far as I am concerned they are all legitimate.

 

Some of it was because I had some personal issues to work out or in fact am still working on to do with my sense of self. Which you are obviously doing by being here.

 

Some of it was to do with just not being compatible with the guys I was seeing in the first place and not really seeing it.

 

Some of it was to do with not having the money to be in a relationship/ living at home with parents/ etc

 

Some of it was to do with my mothers attitude towards my dating (or her blocking me from doing so largely)

 

And that list could go on forever really. At some stage though you come to a point where you think. Hey I would like to put all those reasons aside now and start looking for a relationship. I think most women will understand that if you tell them what you said here and nobody will judge you for it.

 

As for how to approach women I would go with the old fashioned approach and get to know girls in your immediate vicinity. I know you said that you don't meet girls in your day to day but you must do somewhere, we do make up 50% of the population.

 

Tell your guy friends who are around women all the time that you are looking for a girlfriend and see if they can hook you up!

 

Try your buddies girlfriends, friends (there is always a singleton around) get chatting to them if you are ever out together.

 

Friends of colleagues/ girls who work at or train at your local gym/ someone who drinks in your local pub.

 

There will always be an in road when you do it this way and it will be far less awkward in my experience (and she will feel more comfortable around you as I think most women are slightly weary of men who are complete strangers to them)

 

As long as you remember that you aren't weird for not already having had a girlfriend and don't act like there is something wrong with you when you talk to new people. Because these things come across in your body language somehow. People will have no reason to think why is this guy being weird around me? is he a weirdo? if you see what I mean.

 

Good luck but I think you will be just fine if you relax and let go the idea that your not a catch already.

[topaMAXX]

Long story short - I was fat in high school and it shattered my confidence with women. I've grown up, lost all the extra weight, become educated and successful, have a good amount of friends but I have never had a girlfriend. I just don't meet women at all in my day to day life and I find the cold approach to be incredibly daunting. I sometimes wonder if I will ever have a girlfriend. Would this be a huge red flag if you met somebody like this?

 

OP, I'll be honest with you. I think most people here are just being nice. You are an AVERAGE looking guy (not trying to be mean....overall, I'm average looking too).

 

That is why you are unsuccessful online.

 

If you want a girl here in the US, because you are just average in looks, you will have to have a very fun personality and big social circle OR you will have to cold approach A LOT of girls (hundreds at least).

 

Unfortunately, your career and financial situation are a distant third to your personality and looks.

 

Sorry for the brutal honesty, man. I feel like a lot of people here are blowing smoke up your a**. But I like to keep it real.