Transitioning

[msoptimistic]

For the past couple of weeks I've been on here but on the OM/OW forum attempting to deal (and not very well) with the unexpected end to a R with a MM. The past few days however I have been focusing more on what direction my M should take. My H is aware that an A took place but he thought it was over a long time ago not a couple of weeks ago. Much advice on these boards is that the best option is to come clean with him. I just simply have not gotten to the place where I feel I can do that. In fact I feel like I stay just because of the guilt. And not so much the guilt of the A itself but the guilt of H being alone which is one thing he never wanted to go through again. But I try to imagine how he would spend his evenings and weekends and I see him being soooo sad because of my bad decisions. I also try to look to the future and think that he might find someone even better suited for him and he might be happier? Of course there are no ways to see the future but I have just started this train of thought and would appreciate advice from others who have been there.....

[jwi71]

For the past couple of weeks I've been on here but on the OM/OW forum attempting to deal (and not very well) with the unexpected end to a R with a MM. The past few days however I have been focusing more on what direction my M should take. My H is aware that an A took place but he thought it was over a long time ago not a couple of weeks ago. Much advice on these boards is that the best option is to come clean with him.

 

Here's the rub with that.

I would say be honest IF you wish to try and R your M.

If, you have no real intention of trying to R...then telling him the truth is only cruel.

 

So...you must first decide that which you want...to D or not.

And this is a purely selfish decision. Please do NOT consider the effects on your H...only YOURS. What do YOU want? And I say to not consider your H because if you stay for guilt...what life is that for you?

 

I just simply have not gotten to the place where I feel I can do that. In fact I feel like I stay just because of the guilt. And not so much the guilt of the A itself but the guilt of H being alone which is one thing he never wanted to go through again. But I try to imagine how he would spend his evenings and weekends and I see him being soooo sad because of my bad decisions

 

Nope. Don't do this. This is not good. Its not good for you OR him. You deny each of you the chance to find a better suited companion.

 

I also try to look to the future and think that he might find someone even better suited for him and he might be happier? Of course there are no ways to see the future but I have just started this train of thought and would appreciate advice from others who have been there.....

 

Much better thought process - one bereft of guilt.

 

The question before you is simple...stay or not.

Only you can answer that.

And those internal discussions may take some time to navigate. Perhaps consider IC to help you.

 

I would find IC and friends and family and discuss. You'll know when you get there.

[trippi1432]

For the past couple of weeks I've been on here but on the OM/OW forum attempting to deal (and not very well) with the unexpected end to a R with a MM. The past few days however I have been focusing more on what direction my M should take. My H is aware that an A took place but he thought it was over a long time ago not a couple of weeks ago. Much advice on these boards is that the best option is to come clean with him. I just simply have not gotten to the place where I feel I can do that. In fact I feel like I stay just because of the guilt. And not so much the guilt of the A itself but the guilt of H being alone which is one thing he never wanted to go through again. But I try to imagine how he would spend his evenings and weekends and I see him being soooo sad because of my bad decisions. I also try to look to the future and think that he might find someone even better suited for him and he might be happier? Of course there are no ways to see the future but I have just started this train of thought and would appreciate advice from others who have been there.....

 

Yes...I've seen your other threads....the fact is..DO YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR HUSBAND?? If you do, then let him go..be unselfish for once. If he needs to learn to take care of himself he will. You aren't in any state to love him anyway and yes..he will move on. It's what men do.

 

Will he get over you..yes..he will go on to live a happier and better fulfilled life....his cake will be nicely baked.

 

My question to you is why is it any of your concern?

Edited February 19, 2014 by trippi1432

[cozycottagelg]

Other than the affair portion, I am in your same spot. I stay out of guilt because it's hard to imagine him alone. And I know he will resent and hate me forever (he's said that).

 

If I thought there was a chance we would have a good working partnership with our children post-divorce, I'd be gone. I think that's how he keeps me.

 

It's scary and sad.

[msoptimistic]

Guilt is an amazing motivator...makes you do some things you never thought you would and makes you not do some things you always thought you could...why do I care what the future holds for a man that I am seriously considering leaving? Because I do still love him...however, sometimes love just ain't enough. 14 years and alot of water under the bridge and it is so very sad...I promised to love, support and never leave this man...fought so hard for this R with H but once I started the downhill slide of looking at him with doubt and even resentment the situation deteriorated rapidly...it was so easy to let MM slip in through a crack and the attraction and ease of that R just made the slippery slope of the M even slippier (word?!) Can you go back to looking at a H like when you first met? With love and respect and desire? I just dont know...and truth be known, just because a R with an AP ends, that by no means means that he is out of your head and heart...he's not and even with conscious efforts to move forward, its gonna be a long time...so emotions jump from stay, make M work...try not to see it as settling and keep telling yourself that you are making the "right" decision...OR let the M die a peaceful death and give the H you still love on some level the freedom to find someone who will love him now the way you used to? Pray you don't regret the move away from the M...

Also, I do see an IC, have had 3 sessions with 2 more already scheduled and yes, I have told him absolutely everything...he is also a minister and tries to help me see where the true source of strength is and how to find peace...I hope we are successful because the whole situation does feel helpless at times!

[trippi1432]

Guilt is an amazing motivator...makes you do some things you never thought you would and makes you not do some things you always thought you could...why do I care what the future holds for a man that I am seriously considering leaving? Because I do still love him...however, sometimes love just ain't enough. 14 years and alot of water under the bridge and it is so very sad...I promised to love, support and never leave this man...fought so hard for this R with H

 

I'll stop at the all encompassing "But" as validation is "easy"

 

but once I started the downhill slide of looking at him with doubt and even resentment the situation deteriorated rapidly

 

So he wasn't doing what you needed him to do? I've been here too looking at men who don't measure up from a dating perspective....but I have choices...I'm not married anymore.

 

Sure do men disappoint....of course they do..on purpose..yes, if they have mental issues they need to get in line (sociopaths and narcissists), the ones who really care are the ones who try, if you get out of your own head...the fact is, if you leave because he isn't manning up is one thing...you do destroy a man by cheating....and that equates to wanting to punish...that speaks more to you than to your H and situation.

 

...it was so easy to let MM slip in through a crack and the attraction and ease of that R just made the slippery slope of the M even slippier (word?!)

 

Logical fallacies...it's called a slippy slope...in matters of the heart it's also called gaslighting....Gaslighting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Can you go back to looking at a H like when you first met? With love and respect and desire? I just dont know...and truth be known, just because a R with an AP ends, that by no means means that he is out of your head and heart...he's not and even with conscious efforts to move forward, its gonna be a long time...so emotions jump from stay, make M work...try not to see it as settling and keep telling yourself that you are making the "right" decision...OR let the M die a peaceful death and give the H you still love on some level the freedom to find someone who will love him now the way you used to? Pray you don't regret the move away from the M...

 

This speaks a thousand words...........you mourn more the death of your affair more than you do the marriage, settling for your husband is second rate is what I get from this part.... I'd rather be alone with my thoughts than to have a partner in life like that...that would be my freedom and peace, from the other sides perspective....I'd rather be let go than to be someone's "toy" or their "alternative". You won't "crush" him..what will crush him is what you did. Somewhere in our mind you will validate it.....I've found that this is just what people do to be honest...anyone can find a reason not to love someone and cheat. Being honest with yourself and understanding that no one owes you anything is the best honest you can give yourself.

 

Also, I do see an IC, have had 3 sessions with 2 more already scheduled and yes, I have told him absolutely everything...he is also a minister and tries to help me see where the true source of strength is and how to find peace...I hope we are successful because the whole situation does feel helpless at times!

 

Once God has put love in your heart to peacefully go on your way...all people can live in the light of love and everyone gets BS blown up their a**.

Edited February 21, 2014 by trippi1432
Everyone...religion solves all the guilty conscience.

[RightThere]

As a BS, the only thing I really wanted was the truth. All of it. Because otherwise I was making decisions based on missing information. It also helped me because it made me realize when things were upside down in our relationship and I couldn't understand why, knowing now all the information, things make much more sense and I'm not crazy at the time.