Keep waiting for her, or go on offense?

[Universe]

background: together 5 years, apart 4 months. I skipped the whole begging her to come back thing. Went straight to work on my own issues and my own work. We spoke to each other every couple weeks or so but didn't ever really hang out or talk about anything serious. After 1.5 months I tried to get back together and found out she had already started sleeping with someone. When we broke up I asked her if she had fallen out of love with me and she said that she thought she had. So she slept with this guy that had apparently been pursuing her heavily for months. Then she said that she realized that she still loved me. She never loved him and didn't want to be dating him anymore. She said she could see herself with me in the future, but didn't want a romantic relationship with me in the immediate future. I spoke to one of her best friends and he said (gay friend, no threat) that what she did with the other guy stemmed directly from how she feels about me and that her feelings for me were the motivating force in her actions. He also said that he thought we'd probably get back together.

That was all 2.5 months ago. Since then we've gone to a few concerts together, had lunch a few times, and met up for coffee a few times. I've been very cool, calm, comfortable, and confident. We've had a lot of fun together. I've given her all the pressure-free time and space in the world and not mentioned anything about what happened with the other guy or about us getting back together. Although, a month ago I did give her a letter saying that I still loved her and wanted more than anything to be the one to make her happy, but that if this other guy made her happy then she should be with him. I would understand. Then a little over a week later (the day after x-mas) she initiated lunch and a gift exchange after which she broke down crying. She told me that she felt so good when we were together and that she felt alone because I was the only person she could talk to about anything that had any meaning. We had a serious conversation and it became clear to me that she really needed some time to herself to just think clearly about what she really wanted. So I gave her more time and space.

Since then she's called a few times. We met for another lunch last week and she seems much more grounded and comfortable in her own skin.

 

 

 

So now my question:

 

I feel I've sat back and waited for her long enough. Now - Don't get me wrong. I'm NOT thinking of telling her how I feel and all that. She knows how I feel from my letter (delivered a week before x-mas). I just want to start taking more of an initiative to have a more dating-type relationship with her. I've been afraid to really pursue anything with her because I don't want to push her away. But I'm realizing a few facts of the case that I've been too caught up in my own world to see. They are: She calls about every 7-10 days. She always answers when I call or promptly calls back. She always seems somewhat excited that I've called. She always agrees to hang out whenever I ask. She has said, "It's always fun when we hang out." She invited me to a concert with her in a couple weeks. She did say she could see herself with me in the future (that was 2.5 months ago). And I just invited her to go horseback riding with me this Saturday and she happily accepted.

So my plan is to keep asking her out to do fun things together. I'm thinking once, maybe twice a week would be good. If she shows any resistence or any signs of pulling back, I will do the same. But for the past couple months she's shown me nothing of the kind. I'm also wondering if she wants me to pursue her. She was the one who pursued me when we first got together and I think she always resented that. She never got to see me pursue her. I think she may be disappointed that I'm not coming on stronger. The main reason for our relationship breaking down was my inability to show her my love adequately. I loved her more than anything and told her so. But I showed it compulsively and not genuinely. I ended up suffocating her with empty gestures of what I thought was love, but was really fear. Now I think I understand what love really is and I know how to really show her.

Again - I don't plan on pouring my heart out or anything like that. I just want to play it cool, but pursue more aggressively. I want to show her through action, not words, that I'd be better to be with than before. And I would be because I feel I've really tackled my neurosis and other issues. Now I really know how to show my love for her.

 

So, what do you think? Should I go ahead with this? How do think I should proceed?

 

I'm afraid of messing this up. I know that she is THE love of my life and I'm only holding on by a thread. I can't afford to make any more mistakes.

 

Please help.

[lost_in_chgo]

Sounds like she is keeping her option open at the least, or is interested and is running her own managed plan of engagement. Did she need to break it off with you to get you to realize all this?

 

Your plan sounds perfect.

Hopefully the execution will be too.

[ex]

hey universe,

 

You really helped me out when I posted under "similar situation" a few weeks ago, so here's me trying to return the favor, or at least returning the compassion:

 

How about increasing emotional intimacy gradually? Sounds like last intimate exchanges happened around x-mas time, and that it's been light and friendly since. So maybe it's time to have another such dialogue (maybe not quite as intense), then as time progresses, very very gradually increase frequency and intimacy of conversations? You mention some things that you consider to have been "mistakes" on your part in the relationship. Have you talked about what she thinks went wrong recently? She may think very differently than you, and also feel differently from breakup time. What were the relationship/breakup issues according to her? Maybe it's time to start that discussion? (Side note: I hope you've also thought about what her mistakes/shortcomings had been. I'm sure sole responsibility for breakup doesn't rest on you.)

 

If you think the relationship conversations are too much for now, maybe it's even just a matter of increasing flirtatiousness.

 

What do I know, but you do make it sound as though she very well might be waiting for you to pursue. If I were her, acting as you describe, I'm pretty sure I would be waiting for you to step up. Definitely at least part of me would be anticipating that. You already know, but I'll say it again, best for all if you reinitiate intimacy gradually, s-l-o-w-l-y. You would be protecting your feelings this way. You will also be giving future relationship a better chance. You will be giving her more time to increase her certainty that you are who she wants.

 

Anyway my 2 cents is: keep waiting for her AND go on offense.

[Oriental]

fully support your plan. sounds like you know exactly what you are doing.

 

and it could be that she wanted you to pursue her strongly this time. i pursued my ex and though i didnt resent that i would have been more contented if it had been the other way around.

 

good luck!

[Universe]

OK - in this post I started to address all of your fine comments, and I think I went a little overboard. So I apologize ahead of time for the length of this post. Don't feel guilty if you skip it...

 

Did she need to break it off with you to get you to realize all this?

 

For the last year of our extremely intense 5 year relationship (all of our friends say that we have the most intense relationship of anyone our age (25-26)), we were both very depressed and couldn't seem to pull each other out of it without falling back in our depressed selves. It was very sad. We both gave each other complexes. We're both very analytical and we communicated on this insane level. We both analyzed ourselves and each other down to the bone and we hit a point where we'd both lost our personalities and missed them dearly. We knew what was wrong, but we just couldn't get through it living under the pressure that the relationship brought. We tried spending time apart. She moved out of our one-bedroom apartment two months before the break-up. We both fought really hard to make it work. She fought harder than I did. I fought it mentally, but didn't take enough direct action. My fight was in theory. That was my biggest regret. If I had been more rational and put more time and thought into what was really happening, I could have avoided this whole break-up (at least I believe that I could have).

Anyways - the point is, the break up was mutual. She was definitely pulling away from me. I felt her pulling away. And I knew that meant that we had to break up. The pressure was just too much. I couldn't do the relationship any good by staying in it any longer. I ended up initiating it. But we both knew it was coming. It was the saddest longest crying crying crying break-up ever. I don't know if any two people ever loved each other more as they were breaking up.

I was fairly certain we would get back together as soon as we could work through our issues. So I got straight to work on mine. I was never more focussed in my life.

From there, I covered in the above post. Sorry to be so long. But I couldn't explain it any other way.

Your plan sounds perfect.

Hopefully the execution will be too.

I can't believe my eyes! This is the most encouraging thing I have ever heard anyone say to anyone on these boards.

Thank you so much. I hope you're right!

 

GEEZ! I just read Ex and Oriental's posts. These are the most encouraging posts I've read. Thank you all. Again, I hope you're right.

 

Have you talked about what she thinks went wrong recently? She may think very differently than you, and also feel differently from breakup time. What were the relationship/breakup issues according to her? Maybe it's time to start that discussion?

I've said things in conversation like, "I got really impulsive and now I know how to distinguish my instincts from my impulses. And that it's my instincts I need to follow and my impulses I need to ignore." This instincts/impulses thing was at the root of my problem in the relationship. I really had an identity/personality crisis. Our relationship was so intense that we both lost our identities. But she was a little more tuned to her instincts, while I listened to my impulses. Now I know that impulses are born out of need and insecurity while instincts are born out of respect and love. That's the best I can explain it. So yeah, I've said things like that, but only a couple times. Very rare.

 

After that - YES! I'm scared as F*CK to talk about what went wrong in the relationship. Because psychologically, it got really f*ckin' bad. I feel so different now. I feel so certain of why things fell apart and how I directly contributed to its demise while I watched her fight with all the love in her heart to save it. I saw her fighting so hard to save our relationship and I felt so helpless as everything I tried to do to help her backfired. But I know now why it backfired. And I know how to show her my love that will make her happier than we ever were.

The intimacy thing is something I'm suffering a physical withdrawl from. It's the only thing that's really hurting me at this point. I've attributed all the rest of my pain to the humiliation I feel from her sleeping with someone else. But humiliation is derived from pride. And pride is worthless if you have self-respect. Am I rationalizing my feelings or what? I'm analyzing this obsessively again. I need to stop.

I am afraid of scaring her away by pushing for intimacy. I really feel like I need more of a sign to try for intimacy. But it's good that you mentioned it. I need to be really careful with how I handle that end of it. I'll definitely be trying to get a read on her for that. But I totally agree, go for intimacy s-l-o-w-l-y !

 

i pursued my ex and though i didnt resent that i would have been more contented if it had been the other way around.

I resent that she's not pursuing me more. I resent the whole situation. I understand her need for time and space. But the whole sleeping with the other guy thing so soon after we broke up really knocked me back. Finding out about it was the most traumatic experience of my life. I had something akin to a nervous breakdown. It was insane. It took 3 days of no eat or sleep, dry heaves, and constant obsessive thought to put it all in perspective. God - I really am obsessive. That's one thing the break-up has done for me, is pointed out a lot of my complexes and neurosis. Now that I recognize them I can really manage them quite easily especially in reference to the relationship.

So yeah, I resent it. But I understand that in the grand scheme of things, I let her down at least as bad as she let me down, if not far worse. Our love was the most special thing I have ever known and I was too blind to see how I was losing it.

 

So, Oriental. Can I ask, how did pursuing your ex go? There aren't too many success stories on these break-up boards (at least if you define success as getting back together. Certainly, I've read some major success stories where the people did not get back together.) But how did it go?

 

I've written more than anyone will read. If you did, I hope it was enjoyable.

 

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I really appreciate it.

[mixwell]

Universe I just want to say thank you for input on your post to help me out. Like everyone is saying I think the plan that you have is good. Just take it SLOW !! It sounds like your ex is getting back into you (wish i could say the same for mine) but it sounds like you are making progress. Just don't let it go to your head.. Just be casual and all that but maybe each time be a little more aggresive and take it a tiny step further with her so you gradually get back together. I think jumping into it soo soon might ruin it ! I am glad to hear that things seem to be working in your favor so just keep up with what you're doing and I think things are going to be good between the two of you !!

 

GOOD LUCK !!!!

[Universe]

Sounds like she is keeping her option open at the least, or is interested and is running her own managed plan of engagement.

It really is nice to think that maybe she's running her own managed plan of engagement. I don't know if she is. I really get the impression that she's waiting to see what I do. I think she's confused that I've said I still love her and want her back, and yet I haven't been screaming and begging at all. I've just been so easy going about everything and been there for her despite the fact that she knows she hurt me. I haven't really communicated to her at all how severely she hurt me. I think she's confused that I didn't react more angrily about it. I've been cool to the point where she may be seeing it as cold.

So that what I want to do now is warm up to her. Stay confident and strong, but try to flirt more and stimulate her proactively.

 

Anyways - it's nice to hear that you're all with me on this. It only gives me more confidence. If she breaks my heart again, I'll be as ready for it as I ever could be and I'll be prepared to move on. So I'm willing to give her the chance to make me or break me. Either way, I know I'll pull through alright.