How involved do you think this Dad is likely to be?

[KaliKatherine]

Background info:I recently left my children's father and within a month of leaving filed for divorce. There was no infidelity but a pattern of controlling behavior, domestic theft, angry out bursts/rages, and some inappropriate statements directed towards our almost 4 year old daughter (that was my wake up call to leave and try to sort things out). Prior to my leaving, He refused to do any marital counseling and refused to allow me to go to individual counseling. Since leaving and doing some individual therapy it seems I meet the definition of a codependent of sorts and my stbxhusband is likely a covert narcissist.

 

Written into our parenting plan is that he will travel to our state to visit monthly up to 4 days but I have told him I a flexible on it,eg if he wants to stay longer we will make it work. In the time we have been separated, not once has he initiated a phone call to our older daughter, sent anything to her in the mail (with exception of a Christmas gift, although I purchased other gifts and said they were from both of us). I text or email him prior to every weekend to ask for good/bad times to Skype and his responses are not always forthcoming but he does usually make himself available to chat with her. I email him photos a couple times a week with a little update on the girls as well.

 

His initial proposal for how he would like to visit with his children was to have me bring our older daughter to the airport and he would take her back to his state and spend 4 days with her, then fly with her back to our state. We also have a 1year old whom he would obviously not see if this was how his initial visit played out.

 

I countered back to him that I didn't think this was a good way to conduct a visit, I would consider bringing both girls to his state after we'd at least had one visit here where he can reestablish himself with his daughters and obviously attend to all the 3 year old whys of which I've been answering many!

 

I have a wishful heart for him to continue to have some kind of relationship with his daughters but feel that since its already been 4months since he's seen them and that he never really bonded with our youngest prior to me leaving this might be just fantasy thinking. In contrast with our older daughter he was very involved with her during her babyhood but that fell off sharply as she reached the toddler years and he started working.

 

My older daughter loves and misses her Dad, I hate that I had to leave but came to the point I realized he wasn't going to change and this was best for myself and the kids before anything worse started to happen. To clarify, I moved back to our home state as we'd moved to a new state for about 6months due to a job change. (No support in our new state and was being actively discouraged from maintaining relationships in our original state)

 

Anybody have experience with kind of situation, or advice to offer about accepting what is out of your control?

[preraph]

You need to quit compromising with him and go with the rules the court ordered and make him do the same or relinquish all rights. I don't know what your goal is here, but the kid would probably be better off without him. So only let him have the kid when you must. Stop being wishywashy and letting him do whatever he wants. You are enabling this.

[kalimata]

He is still coming to terms with the D. You left him and the kids, and he feels abandoned.

 

Cut him a break. Imagine what its like for him to be so alone.

[KaliKatherine]

He is still coming to terms with the D. You left him and the kids, and he feels abandoned.

 

Cut him a break. Imagine what its like for him to be so alone.

 

Yes I have a lot of guilt over that as well and it's definitely crossed my mind that just maybe, if I'd been able to end things more gracefully he would be less wounded and this would create a better transition to divorced life. He had said things to me like 'when the lease is up, our marriage is up' and that the purpose of our relationship perhaps had been fulfilled in having children and we needed to find a new purpose.

 

To clarify, I left taking the kids with me, although I think the second part of your statement shows you have the correct understanding of the situation.

 

Besides sending him updates/photos of the kids and coordinating chats, I'm having a hard time thinking of anything else to do to convey the sincerity of wanting to keep the lines open to our children. I am aware he has made one trip across the country to visit his folks during the time we've been apart.