Wife says she is done

[LostinGA]

Hi all, my wife and I have been married 8 years. As with any marriage there have been good and bad times. Please allow me to set up a few things about us and where have been.....we had a whirlwind relationship in the beginning. Met in 2005, dated for one month and I was transferred across country. She left literally everything to be with me. We established a new life in a new state and things were great. We got married in 2006, both had excellent jobs, bought our first home and had our first daughter. We moved again, and again finally landing Georgia. We are very fortunate that my job pays enough in which she can stay home and manage the home while I work. I also travel a great deal. However this has never been a problem. My wife is incredibly independent and very strong willed.

 

The problem that we are having is I have struggled with alcohol and prescription meds throughout our marriage. I have tried multiple times to deal with these problems (half heartedly). There have been attempts on my part to hide it and I have been deceitful to her about my use. I am also guilty of checking out of our relationship. As the cliche goes I would not be emotionally available to her. Not willing to talk or listen and more concerned about my needs and less about hers. We would go through periods of things being good. I would promise to not drink and have sought individual counseling. This could be weeks or months of bliss and then I would fall right back into a trap of drinking and checking out of our marriage. It's been a vicious cycle.

 

We are now at a point where she has said she does not want to be to me married anymore. She has threatened this before and we always seem to work through it. But this time is different. She says she is numb and can longer do it. We have tried marriage counseling before and it seemed to help a little. But she is against trying again.

 

I love my wife dearly despite my shortcomings and behavior in our marriage. She says she cares about me and wants me to be better. But has suggested a separation. I obviously do not want this. We are a good team when things are good and she has just had enough of picking put he slack when things are bad.

 

I am seeking real help this time for myself. And I have every intention of dealing with my problems. It will be hard but I suppose I have hit rock bottom.

 

Any advice or guidance would be appreciated. Can a woman who has "checked out" be made to see that things can get better with time? As a side note, we have agreed to not separate in the sense of me moving out. Rather, I am dealing with my issues and will give her space. I don't know what the right thing to do is. As I said, I love her and I do love our life together. We have two young girls that I am concerned with as well and do not want them to be affected negatively.

[Movingforward2]

It's not too late. It never is. Get your _________ together. I'm in the same boat with 2 daughters and it got to the breaking point. Just got through with the divorce. If she hasn't filed yet, now is your chance. Do it today. Don't get on here wasting time posting about it. Get on a phone make some arrangements and start dealing with it immediately. Don't say it, do it. Actions speak louder than words.

 

So if you want advice, there it is........don't waste time. She doesn't want to hear you "say it" anymore. Do it. Don't kiss her rear, but take some time and get it situated. Be a dad, step the _____ up, and be a man.

 

Don't harass her into counseling, read the 180, and start working on yourself. If you seperate, make her move out if she is the one wanting it. It's easier said than done. If she thinks its better on the other side, let her figure it out. That's the mistake I made. She may have "checked out".....but that doesn't mean you have to. It takes 2 to make the relationship work.....but start getting it together for yourself and your kids. I know I have, and one day the XW will wake the hell up and get it.

Edited February 19, 2014 by Movingforward2

[Snipercatt]

No one can be "made to see" change. You can change, or not. The change will be evident in your behavior, thought and word. Consistency is important. She will choose to observe that change, or not. There are two variables (you & her) and you can only change one of those. Do it for you.

[d0nnivain]

Are you willing to really give up booze & pills to save your marriage? If so, make a date (next week) to check yourself into an inpatient detox program. You should be able to get time off from work under the FMLA. Show her your admission paper work. Ask her to stick around while you complete treatment & to join Al-Anon (that's the group for people who love addicts).

 

 

If you aren't willing to do that, just let her go because you are in essence picking the booze & drugs over her.

[Movingforward2]

You aren't lost, you just got found. Get it together. You CAN do it. Don't beg her into anything, you either want a family or you don't. Most of us men on here have been in the same situation, and do everything but what you need to do. If you didn't want it, you wouldn't be posting on this site. We all know that as men. We don't get it until it hits us in the face. If she hasn't filed divorce papers or moved out, then you still have a lot of hope left, but you need to get on it today. Do not wait around for her to notice it, do it for yourself.

 

Sorry to be so direct, but I wish I would have found this board a lot earlier. I wish someone would have gotten in my face and told me what to do. I have done it, and my goal in life is to make sure my 2 daughters never get to the point my XW did.

[KathyM]

It may be too late this time to save your marriage if your wife has emotionally checked out of the marriage. It sounds like she's had enough. Too many unkept promises that you will stop the drinking and drugs. She no longer believes the promises you make that you will change. All you can do now is to work on yourself, get some counseling to work on the underlying reason why you drink and to learn better coping skills and learn strategies to avoid alcohol and drugs, join a 12 step program to help support you in your sobriety, and show her through continued sobriety that you have your addictions under control. Maybe in time, when she sees your continued efforts and continued sobriety, she may be willing to consider giving you another chance. But whether she does or not, you need to get your addictions under control for your own sake, and for the sake of your children. They need a role model that is strong, and that they can count on.

[carhill]

Can a woman who has "checked out" be made to see that things can get better with time?

Anything is possible but, generally, and especially in cases of long marital discord as related by your posting, no. It's not that things can't get 'better', but rather that she doesn't care anymore if they do. Her 'business' with you may very well be 'finished'.

As a side note, we have agreed to not separate in the sense of me moving out.

What's your separation agreement? Handling of children? Dating others? Sexual relations, both conjugal and/or with others? The devil is in the details.

Rather, I am dealing with my issues and will give her space.

How are you 'dealing'? Be specific.

I don't know what the right thing to do is. As I said, I love her and I do love our life together.

Can you accept that the preponderance of your past actions, as related directly by you, could appear to be less than loving? Acceptance is a first step to moving forward.

We have two young girls that I am concerned with as well and do not want them to be affected negatively.

Accepting you have no control over your wife, her thoughts, her actions, her words, what kind of role model for your daughters do you want to be? Why?

 

My first advice would be AA and IC with a professional psychologist. Good luck.

[Chi townD]

Donnivan is right. You can talk until the cows come home, you're not going to convince her. So, you need to show her with ACTIONS! And getting into rehab would be a massive step.

 

HOWEVER! You need to do rehab for you and you alone. If you're doing it for her, then you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

 

And even if you come out of rehab and you are serious about your sobriety, she still might leave, because she might not trust you or trust in your ability to maintain your sobriety.

[No Limit]

It's not too late. It never is.

 

Wrong. Everyone gives up in time.

 

Your wife did.

I doubt you can save it anymore, but you could get it back. If your behavior improves and she sees that when you're visiting your kid, she might reconsider. Best of luck.

[LostinGA]

Thanks for the advice all. Actually, I just got back from a counselor to discuss options for dealing with my issues. To my surprise I invited my wife and she accepted to come. I was very clear that this was about my addictions and not about us. She simply wanted to support. I suppose that is better then nothing at his point. This forum posting thing is very new to me so I apologize if I rambled or was not clear about certain things. Just looking for a different support mechanism.

 

I am going to join a 12 step program and seek psycho therapy. It's for me...not about us or her. Hopefully, with time as I resolve my issues she will forgive me and see that I can be the man she needs and wants. It's all I can do at this point.

[d0nnivain]

Good for you!

 

 

Welcome to LS, btw.

 

 

If she sees you making an effort her resolve should soften.

[Movingforward2]

Wrong. Everyone gives up in time.

 

Your wife did.

I doubt you can save it anymore, but you could get it back. If your behavior improves and she sees that when you're visiting your kid, she might reconsider. Best of luck.

 

Not every woman out there is a quitter.

[LostinGA]

So here is an update. I read about the 180's and have tried to apply them in my situation over the past 24 hours. Not sure if I am jumping the gun or if I even have a leg to stand on. I have only communicated as needed and have been very brief in conversation. It's killing me because all I want to do is hold her and explain that I have set the wheels in motion to deal with my issues. Starting AA tomorrow and seeing a psychologist next week. I know it will be difficult but I am resolved to once and for all deal with this. As I stated above she is very independent and strong willed. Those are qualities that drew me to her, but have also driven me nuts at times. Oxymoron, I know. So should I continue wit hip the 180 thing knowing that this could actually push her further away? She hasn't filed for divorce and hasn't demanded that I leave. So, I am viewing our situation as a wait and see scenario.....Interestingly, as I was typing this she walked by asked what I was doing. I told her what I was doing, seemed puzzled and walked away. Now she appears angry. Should I stay the course???

[Yasuandio]

Prescription drug addition and alcoholism seems too serious a problem for AA. Weening off whatever drugs you are taking - who knows, that could have life-threatening complications. You need a proper detox program, with medical staff.

 

If I was your wife - I wouldn't be do impressed with AA as a start off program myself - just based on common sense. Later on, yes, as maintenance, of course. That's my take. And I believe another poster dusted same, as well as citing a program that allows you to enter a facility by law (as I recall). Please consider this option. Yas