having a hard time... bf with exgf with BPD.

[Coco4784]

Hi All, I have been reading for a while but now feel the need to post. I will try and keep it short and sweet. I am in a year and a half relationship with a man who was previously in an 8 year relationship with a BPD/Narsistic woman. I have been friends with this man for 4 years and there has always been a "connection" between us, but neither ever acted on it. It got to the point in their relationship where she was abusive and neglected him, telling him he was just a tenant and basically making him feel like a piece of crap. He than started telling me how he wanted to be with me and that I was a wonderful and beautiful woman. I am not the type of person to get involved with someone who is in a relationship and we had no "physical" relationship until they broke up. We did have what I guess would be called an "emotional" affair for a few weeks before they broke up, we would talk every day and he would tell me how unhappy he was and how he was looking for an apartment of his own so he could leave. She was the type of person who searches phone records, checks his emails, looks at basically everything and she eventually found out that me and him were talking on a daily basis and she kicked him out. She not only kicked him out, but sent letters to my family (which she found their names and addresses by internet searching for my parents. When she was unable to locate my parents direct address, she sent the letters to everyone with my last name in the town i grew up in and where my parents still live).

He took some time to himself and then we started dating in July of 2012. In the beginning things were great. We got along well, loved being together. We still love being together, but his ex has recently contacted him and started dragging him back into her dark place. She is being abusive towards him, its making him turn back to the dark place he was before. I keep telling him to go no contact which i believe he is now doing. when she first started contacting him again, she said "you broke my heart, you ruined my life." well, he was the one who paid all the bills and did everything in the house. so yes I could see why she would say he ruined her life, she lost her money source. He tried for those 8 years to make her love him, and she never really did, she just loved herself and the money that came with him. She is a selfish and evil person, I have never in my life met someone so awful. I am not going to go on bashing her, but this is really what a horrible person she is.

anyway, he said he wanted to apologize to her because of the way their relationship ended. he felt guilty that he began talking to me in a romantic way before he left her. He says he should have just left. I understand this reasoning, because I wouldnt want him to leave me that way. Anyway, he is to the point where he is done dealing with her abuse, but the damage is done. He has become introverted. He is sinking into depression. She has been feeding lies to his children who are teenagers and they believe her. She was never kind or mother-like to his children, but now they believe her lies. It is causing a lot of stress in our relationship. We have been apart for a few days, trying to sort through everything. I am having a really hard time dealing with this. I feel like my relationship is falling apart, because of her. I wish I could find a way to help him get help for his depression. I am just having my own hard time with this, as we have spent most of our time together. we are not together every single day, but most days we do see each other. His kids are causing him a lot of stress also, because they keep talking about her and her lies. This is not good for him. He is a great loving kind man. We really do love each other, but its just so hard to deal with this all at the same time.

On top of all of this, his best friend has decided to get involved and add his own two cents. Well his best friend just recently broke up with his girlfriend, and now he wants my boyfriend to be single so they can go out and pick up women together. I do not trust his best friend. His best friend is very sneaky and does things that are not so trustworthy. His best friend is the type of person who will buy the condoms and rent the hotel room if my boyfriend wanted to cheat on me. I do NOT think my boyfriend has or wants to cheat on me, I am just saying that I know how his best friends mind works and I know he would encourage it.

I am not really sure what I should do right now. I have been crying basically non-stop. I am extremely stressed about this whole situation. I understand why my boyfriend needs space to get past this, but I do not want our relationship to end. I have not been the first one to call/text over the past few days as I want him to have his space. Am I doing the wrong/right thing? He has flashbacks of his past relationship with this awful woman and sometimes accuses me of things she did even though I have never done them. For instance, she would regularly scan his email, check his cell phone, look at all his debit card receipts and purchases, look at his browsing history on his ipad. I have never done these things to him, but he accuses me of them because of her. These accusations have only started since she started contacting him. I wish I could help him get help, but he refuses. Says talking to a therapist wont help. I am not sure what else to do. I feel so stressed. Sorry for the long message. Any advice would help. If there is anything else you would like to know, I will be willing to tell. Thanks for reading.

[Annie767]

I don't really know the solution to this one but I'm sure the experienced ones will.

 

I'd say just be very careful, I got with my partner a couple of months after he broke up with a girlfriend with behavioural issues. I had a feeling he really hadn't resolved his issues (he took the nasty things she said to heart and she manipulated him with her children) but he assured me he did not have these. We had 4 years together then he lost the plot and went back to her despite her abuse.

 

All I know from experience is make sure you protect yourself with someone who has issues like your mentioned, for me it niggled at me and bit me on the arse eventually. That's the danger if being someone's rescue during a break up, in my opinion.

 

My ex is going through the cycle again, not for me though, onward and upwards.

 

Good luck! Xx

[BrokenIam]

Hi, I am his ex fiancé that you made sure to break up.

If anyone is the evil one, it's you. We were practically married for 8 years with 5 boys combined. You are a child! What the heck were you thinking? No!, stalking our entire family was not the way to go..... Hence the letter of concern for you. You were leading into dangerous territory, "fatal attraction". Ya think?

When a woman's fiancé is getting emails, phone calls and being stalked....yeah, I'm going to check his stuff. While we're on this subject, hacking all our emails, phones and literally everything was ok by you? Mmmmmkay

You went out of your way to destroy our family. Dysfunctional it was at times, but it was ours. When you're "our age", and have the responsibilities of those in which we had/have, then maybe you would understand the stress that comes with it. It is NOT easy supporting a household of 7 and being able to pay all our bills together "equally". (Re your tenant / money comments.... Those words came from an angry man at the moment stressing over life, and sharing it with a "girl" who was paying attention to an "older" man....is ALL. 4 years of a girl who had an obsessive crush!).

 

All your other stuff, is stuff that makes me feel sorry for you, when I obviously shouldn't. It's sad that you live in your world of make believe, and post everywhere possible to try to make your make believe world a reality. You may have disrupted our life for over a year, but true love conquers all. You can't keep destiny apart. All you ended up doing, was making our relationship so much more stronger. Sure it's going to take awhile to mend, and move on from this past nightmare that you created for us. (Who's selfish here?). 5 kids and two people who love each other deeply, you tried to destroy. Tried! I LOVE him that much to work it out with him, and to continue what we started......two people in love forever living there lives, and growing old together.

 

And yes I say YOU tried to destroy....everything you did was outright evil, and for the sole purpose of breaking our family up. Our children included. I have one more word for you before I go......KARMA. Good luck with that.

 

Mrs mister to be once again.

Sorry

But, please try to refrain yourself from destroying another family.

SOOOOOO not cool.

Find your own man, and leave our men alone.

Ps. Grow up!

[stillafool]

Getting popcorn.....please continue!

[stillafool]

I guess you know now Coco.