Strange Love

[2engjnr2]

My wife and I have been going through a rough time over the past few years. She suffered from depression and I assisted her where I could. Then in 2012 I started suffering from depression and it is only going a little better now, but while I was on the meds I was like a zombie and we were living past each other for months. My wife has had enough and wants to leave. We are seeing a marriage guidance councilor this afternoon and i have no idea what we are going to say or what will come out of it.

 

I would like to stay with my wife if it is possible as I am still in love with her, and just need to fully recover and come off the medication. I have tried to reduce meds since december but almost immidiately started suffering anxiety attacks again so I will still be on it for a while to come. And in the meanwhile my wife is not prepared to put up with me.

 

I have met someone a few years ago, an acquaintance that became a friend. She has lost both her parents at a young age and moved into town after completing grade 10 and had to start working. She is a fun person to be with, but much younger than i am. I started having pity on her and helped where I could, not often, but when she really needed something i would get it for her and ask one of her friends to deliver it, not saying it was from me.

 

I tried not to give her much attention because of the age gap and I spent time with my friends but somehow she fitted right in and became a part of our "hang-out" crew when we went to the local pub.

 

Then one morning I woke up and it hit me like a brick: I was falling in love with this girl! By this time my relationship with my wife had broken down to such and extent that I was seriously wishing that it would end while I was still being emotionally numbed by the medication so that it wouldn't hurt that much.

 

I didn't expect to ever feel love or attraction to anyone, being on medication and all, but I now am so head over heals in love with this person that I am scared to go to the pub with the guys, and when i stay home i miss seeing her so much! I am still married and have no intention of telling her how I feel, because I am affriad that it would ruin our friendship.

 

I would like to know how to deal with this, because I am sitting at work, missing her, even in board meetings I find myself looking at her facebook profile just to see her picture. I didn't ask for this but now it has happened and hit me so hard, like a teenager's first crush!

 

How do I deal with this?

[lockedoutluv]

It seems like your post is miscategorized a bit since this really involves the relationship with your friend more than an issue in your marriage, despite all the problems in the marriage.

 

What I do know is that if your heart does not flourish within the marriage, it will find other outlets. It's not surprising that with your needs not being met from your spouse that your heart will create fantasies about others. There's a thread on here about the wife of a man who developed seriously deep fantasies about an employee of a store that she frequents. It happens, so the only question that remains is how do you act on those feelings. From the sound of your post, for the sake of your marriage and for the friendship that you have with the friend, you do not want to act on any of those feelings. The only option left is to work on reducing and hopefully eliminating those feelings. That is something that can best be addressed by IC. I have to say, thought, that when I expressed similar temptations in IC, the counselor immediately recognized that the problem was in the marriage and recommended MC (which ultimately did not really help).

 

My only good suggestion for you to work on independently, is to try to identify the needs that you feel will be met by this fantasy attraction (some are obvious (sex) and some are not). Then work on getting those needs met other ways, hopefully as much as possible through your wife, but in other ways if necessary. For example, if the thrill of a new encounter is what captivates you, take up a thrilling sport like rock climbing. If you can divert your mind, you will have a better chance at diverting your heart.