No Man's Land

[KaiaMahina]

I just made a quick jaunt over to "Dating" and realized very quickly that I have nothing to gain there except being submerged up to my eyeballs in abject, shameless envy that other people have dates.

 

Where do you go from "Coping"?!

 

I'm as over the ex as I'm ever going to be without the satisfaction of making him as hideously unhappy and despairing as he has made me over the last 7 months. Yes, I wish that every day he would come back, not so that I can have a happy ending with him, but so that I can crush his ego and mercilessly douse the spark of life in his very being by rejecting him utterly and hopelessly.

 

I no longer love him. I no longer "feel sorry for" him. I no longer wish things could have been different. I wish I had never met him, or, that being an impossibility without the invention of a working time machine, that the pathetic bastard was dead or so miserable that death would be a mercy.

 

And, while it may appear otherwise, neither he nor my hatred of him are the first things that I think of when I wake up in the morning. Hating someone doesn't require the energy that people claim that it does. You simply put someone you hate in a little drawer in the back of your mind labeled "People I Hate and Will Get Even With If I Get A Chance" and then forget about them until you get that chance. If you never do, oh well. Hatred is actually a very low-maintenance pursuit.

 

No, my main concern now is how do I get from "Coping" to "Dating"? I had a date with a looker, who, although he calls me and talks for HOURS, never even hints that seeing me again in this particular century is even a remote possibility. And my "hints" apparently fall on deaf ears. The last time he called was Sunday. No, not last Sunday. The Sunday before. Ending the call with "It's always such a pleasure to talk with you and I'm looking forward to talking with you again and I'll be talking to you SOON."

 

On no planet and in no dimension is the space of, to date, 11 days considered "soon." To hell with this. Talk is cheap, and apparently this guy is a real skinflint because all he does is TALK. All show and no go. I figure that since I ain't getting any younger, and gravity isn't doing me any favors, I need to cut my losses and find a man who can get around to taking care of business straightaway. And after 7 months, I got plenty of business to take care of!

 

To make matters even more frustrating, I have a semi-ex floating around who wants to "rekindle" our "romance." Our romance played out over 2 years, during which I actually saw him only 5 times, was bedded only twice, and was treated to millions of phone calls and emails full of TALK about what action he would take if we were ever together again, including eventually living together with marriage on the far horizon. And millions more phone calls and emails cancelling and postponing dates that he made. Oh, he's been coming on strong with the phone calls and the emails and the promise that he would call this week to set a date for all this rekindling, but so far the wood is green and the matches are wet. Lotta smoke and no fire. This is why I "dumped" him to begin with, if you can dump someone who, technically, doesn't exist in your life. This time, I'm done. The next phone call or email from him will touch off a volcanic eruption the like of which hasn't been seen since Pompeii. He can f**k himself instead of me.

 

Frustrated?! Bewildered?! Fed up?! Yep. Guess there should be a special niche between "Coping" and "Dating" called "No Man's Land." Population: Me.

 

And it's not just about sex (although that does happen to be the first thing I think about every morning). I may be mean, but I need love, too! I figure I've paid my dues with what I've gone through in the last 18 months...I want some of this:

[Leikela]

I'm sorry to hear about your frustrations. Did you ever ask the guy right out if he plans on seeing you again? Or how about you ask him out? If he dodges you when you ask him out, then you know it's time to let go. However, you need to keep the lines of communications open. No more "hinting" around. Ask him outright and see what he says. Of course actions speak louder then words, but sometimes there are other reasons beyond someone's control. At least it's worth a shot. Either he's a commitment phobe, or he's married.

[Merin]

Hang in there sister!

 

So Mr. Talk is all about the lets chit chat uh? Damn him! I was really doing a "Voo Doo Dance" for you on that one girl.. only thing I can suggest there is NEXT time he calls to TALK don't hint to him.. straight up ask him whats up!? Does he want to get together or should you take out a friends and family plan on your phone.. and let his dumbass know you're not crazy about the family!

 

The Mr. I can't get my sh*t together in one freaking place BUT let's TALK about getting the fire going again.. well IF he wasn't a good damn boyscout for you the first time in lighting that with a motail cocktail then just figure he hasn't learned any new skills and don't wait on that.

 

I stopped having the "People I hate and will get even with one day list" on hand for my mornings.. just made me cranky.. know what they say.. or uh.. maybe it's what I say? damnnnn it I know someone says it! The opposite of Love isn't Hate.. it's indifference.. boy do they ever freaking hate that sh*t for real!

 

Kaia.. You're such an amazing person girl.. don't follow ANY of the rules.. make your own.. whats okay for you and what isn't.. don't hint to these assclowns what it is you want.. tell them!

 

Dating to Coping to the "get f*cked section" YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON KAIA!! Don't play by what someone else wants.. let him know.. and if he isn't down.. then direct him to that special section and keep walking

[North Shore]

Hey KaiaMaina,

 

If it's any consolation, I think that anyone as wise and funny as you is not destined to be alone for too long. The universe is just having a little trouble finding a soul deserving of you and your gifts is all.

 

But the universe is pretty ingenious and resourceful. So I have faith. It is a renewed faith, and if you read my newest response to your "Second Chance" post you'll know why my faith is renewed - and it's partly as a result of reading your words.

 

So I'm on the other side of the river, madly flapping a lantern back at ya. And if it goes out briefly it's only because I was flapping too hard. Sometimes I'm overzealous.

 

Human relations are so bizarre. We crave love and affection and yet men and women are so diametrically opposed in our thinking that we have difficulty acheiving relationships that provide it. People post here all the time, me among them, trying to decipher the words and actions of people WE know and THEY don't. I know that there is alot to be gained from the objective opinion, but it would be so much easier if we could communicate as well with the ones we actually in relationships with.

 

I know your frustration with "the floaters". They orbit around us tantilizing us with the promise of love but offer little in the end. Let the satellites stay where they are. A comet will come blazing by soon enough. The temptation to settle for the floater is hard sometimes though. The instant gratification factor is a b#@*h. But I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. They don't deserve your attention, 'nuff said.

 

Before you cut your losses with JoJo the Idiot Man-Child that can't take a hint, maybe you give the "ask outright" approach a try once. I mean, he is a man and while I mean no offence to them all, there are those for whom hinting is far too subtle an approach. I have known more than my share that require nothing short of a wallop upside the head to go "Uh, oh. I get it".

 

As for waking up thinking about sex, LOL, I know your pain. That phase of semi-sleep before waking messes with me every day! Sometimes when I finally wake up I'm embarrassed at what was going through my considerable imagination. A vivid and rewarding fanasty life can have it's downside.

 

Hang in there. The comet is coming.

 

NS

[Three of Swords]

Kaia - is No Man's Land an exclusive place?

 

Like, can I join? What is required for membership? Cause girl I am so there.

 

Also trying to cope and also still not dating.

 

And yes, sex is what I too think about. Really miss it. It has been 7 months for me - wait closer to 7 1/2 months . Probably could even tell you the date in May if I think about it 'hard' enough. So my sympathies and empathy go out to you.

 

The former husband has resorted to making a painfully obvious effort not to talk to me directly, but has informed our daughter (who lives with me) that yours truly has lost her marbles. That I am having a mid-life crises, blah blah blah.

 

On a curious (but painful) note - the unrequited love interest has decided to inform me that he is moving quite far away. What I find odd about this is the fact that he told me about this twice last night. Yeah yeah - broke NC - first time was me, the second time was him. And he normally never initates conversations.

 

Was he trying to see if I would say "No please don't go?". Although I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want him to move - cause I would likely never see him again, all I said was "Well if it makes you happy - absolutely go".

 

Was that response right? Was it wrong? I still don't know.

 

Was this possibly a fishing expedition to see what I think? He knows how I feel about him. Was he wanting my 'blessing'. Is there a small chance if I had shared my true feelings, it would have made a difference?

 

So there you have it - my application for No-Man's Land residency, completed.

 

 

Please advise at your earliest convenience as to the status of said application.

 

Merin is right - you are amazing.

 

Also, from how you post on here, you shouldn't have too much trouble being direct?? as Leikela suggests.

[KaiaMahina]

No Man's Land is a non-discriminatory, all-inclusive virtual nation without boundaries, no visa required. Tap the heels of your little red ruby slippers together three times and repeat after me, "There's no place like no place."

 

Merin, North Shore and Three -- thank you for your responses and thank you for turning on the light in No Man's Land to show me that I'm not all alone here! Honestly, I was totally crazed all day yesterday and this morning, when I read all your thoughts, I felt 100% better. Ya'll are better therapists than my therapist! I'm glad you're out there...

 

Merin, I like your advice that I should be more direct in figuring out what the hell is going on in men's minds instead of (foolishly) expecting that they'll have sense enough to know what they want and to express it. And I'll hold that thought for the future. But this guy? Man...I have to admit that with the ex-fiance that I had vague intuitions...not exactly flagmen in orange jumpsuits madly waving flares and screaming, "Stop! Stop! The bridge is out!" But just these...fleeting glimpses behind the facade and the insidious little voice whispering, "This guy has some crazy monkey on his back. You better think long and strong before you go any further down the road with him."

 

So, thinking about this guy who calls and bloody talks all the time...it's the little voice again. Saying, "Shy is one thing, this is pathological. He can talk to you for hours, but it took him 2 years to get around to asking you out? He lives 20 miles away, but makes no plans to get together, even for another lousy coffee?" He even said to me, "I'll bet you're used to more aggressive guys, aren't you?" I felt like saying, "Honey, next to you, a cotton ball is aggressive." Long story short...there's something about this guy that smacks of intense insecurity, or agonizing indecisiveness, or just plain chicken-guttedness. No wonder he's never been married. He conducts his entire life over the telephone. Too bad, because he's damn fine looking. But I'm getting the wind up that he's got something going on in his life that I don't want to get sucked into. I think I'll let sleeping dogs lie on this one...there's no danger that he's going to press me for a date, so maybe I'm better off remaining silent.

 

And hey, North Shore! I love your concept of "floaters" -- these guys that hang around doing nothing but getting in your face all the time. I'm assuming that you're using the term floater in the sense of (excuse my graphic language) the turds that don't go away no matter how many times you flush the toilet. Guy #2 is exactly that. He's pathological, too, maybe even more so than the Idiot Man-Child (damn, I love your pet names for these guys!) because he's dangerously persistent. He's wasted enough of my time, has excited my hopes only to dash them one million times too many, and he's squandered every opportunity he's been given. He practically fell down on his knees thanking God that my engagement ended because he would now have a chance to pursue me ("And I'm going to make a big push!" he vowed), and now, seven months later, I have yet to see hide nor hair of him!

 

Also, North Shore, I'm keeping a sharp lookout for that comet you promised me! I will signal you across the water when it comes into view.

 

And Three...lost your marbles, have you? Funny...my father said the same thing about my mother when she divorced him. And then said the same thing about his second wife when she divorced him. I don't think it's a case of losing one's marbles, I think it's a case of finding one's balls that provoke comments like these from those who have no clue. Many people would far rather believe that you're temporarily insane than to believe that perhaps you're simply coming into your own.

 

Curious about your unrequited love encounter...you say that he knows how you feel, so I doubt that anything you say now would make a difference. But it is rather odd that he felt compelled to tell you twice that he's moving away. I don't think your response was wrong...it's probably the only sane thing you could have said. He knows how you feel, and if he wants to reciprocate, there's nothing stopping him.

 

I can't tell you all how relieved I am that I'm not the only person on the planet NOT having sex! And that there's nothing weird about me obsessing about it. Ever see that movie, "The Perfect Storm"? North Shore knows what I mean! You know, that movie about the fishermen who set off from their little fishing town and end up in this unreal storm at sea and all of them are drowned? Well, at the beginning of the movie, the guys are all on shore, drinking and having a good time before they have to go to sea again. This one guy is running around town like a lunatic trying to get laid before he goes. Strikes out with everyone. He's absolutely desperate and all the other guys in the crew are crawling into bed with someone. Finally, he gets on the boat and they take off, and he never got laid, and then he drowns. Dang! That guy is ME! I kept thinking, "Lord love you, man -- go find a hooker! HURRY!" My greatest fear is that I'll die with my panties on.

 

Don't know about ya'll, but I'm girding my loins to get through Valentine's Day, which is hurtling toward us like a monstrous 18-wheeler Mac truck with severed brake lines and a brick on the gas pedal. Oh! the carnage that will ensue! Wonder how many newbies will turn up on Breaking Up threads after the wickedest day in the calendar? Ugh.

[Three of Swords]

Kaia - V Day may be the death of me. Girding my lions may not be enough.

 

Luv what you say on your posts. My sentiments are expressed vicariously through you.

 

You really know how to say what we/I am feeling.

 

I hate the thoughts of February.

 

I so wish things could be different for me and all of us. Would we be happy if we could have what we wanted?

 

Fate (??) has decided that I am not to be with who I think I love. So what is next for me?

 

Anyone have a magic 8 ball, crystal, and/or clarivoyant powers here? I seriously demand answers!!!

 

(BTW - hope is definately misplaced in my life. The sting it dangles on is getting frayed!)

 

B.

[North Shore]

Ah, yes, Three of Swords, fate has decided that I, too, will not get to be with the one I love. Frustrating, isn't it?

 

I'm amazed that fate is so quick to grant it favors to so many undeserving souls. I've come across so many people in my days that are unkind, self-serving, greedy, cruel and all those nasty things we are not.......and yet they seem to get whatever they want. I never thought that I could believe so trite a maxim as "nice guys finish last" but it seems to be the case.

 

I have loved few in my life. But even as I loved them I knew they were not the one I wanted to be with forever. Until Him, of course. In 30 years I had never been able to imagine myself spending my life with - or let alone actually helping to reproduce - until Him. But fate saw things differently. I'm beginning to wonder not that the "right" man will come along, but that maybe my shortsightedness has made miss him in my past.

 

Valentine's Day is going to be painful for us all. And I'm not sure that the Magic 8-ball will have the answers. Would that someone or something did.

 

Forgive me, please. I'm trapped in my apartment alone riding out a snowstorm. Too long alone with my own thoughts can make me melancholy. Just the other day I felt so renewed and hopeful. I'm fighting against that hope being stripped away. And fight I will.

 

And Kaia - I, too, await the newbies cast into the abyss from the heights of glorious V-Day. I suppose I should take consolation in that at least I was not subjected to the torture of being cut loose at such a time.

 

I should stop writing now...... I'm awfully depressing today. Sorry.

[Urban Rubble01]

Well Kaia, reading your post made me want to do you a huge favor. If you really, really need the sex, I guess you could drive up to Seattle and I'll take care of ya !

 

Haha. I basically just wanted to make that joke. Not much advice to give, but I feel for ya. I know everyone says this, but I really do like reading your posts, you're a excellent writer.

 

Oh wait, I've got a word on this guy you talk to. If I were you, I'd just come right out with it. Ask him why he hasn't made any attempts to hang out again. You would be amazed at how some guys react to a little assertiveness. Tell him straight up, I want more than a phone buddy. If he has no interest you'll know, but I doubt that's the case.

[moimeme]

If you really, really need the sex, I guess you could drive up to Seattle and I'll take care of ya !

 

Hey, Urban - does that offer extend to all the lasses who've 'gone without' for a while? I'm only a ferry ride away...

[Three of Swords]

Originally posted by moimeme

Hey, Urban - does that offer extend to all the lasses who've 'gone without' for a while? I'm only a ferry ride away...

 

He he - after the ferry, if you want to cross some mountains and see Alberta, I could take you on a tour. wink wink

[KaiaMahina]

Ladies, if there's anything left of Urban once I get through with him, you may do your worst!

 

Home from work today due to the blasted bloody blizzard that just wreaked hell and havoc on the east coast. The door to the (antique, drafty, creaking old) house where I rent an apartment was sealed tight with a three-foot snowdrift and my car was literally buried in three-to-four feet high drifts. What do you think I did most of the morning?!

 

Talk about depressing, North Shore! What was I thinking the whole time I was burrowing a tunnel from the front door to the street like some World War II POW trying to escape from a Nazi detainment camp? "If I had a boyfriend/husband/someone who gave a good god damn about me, I wouldn't be doing this alone!"

 

And what was I thinking the whole time I was shoveling snow from the hood and roof of my car, with snowpack up the crack of my derriere? "If I had a boyfriend/husband/ someone who cared whether I was alive or a brittle skeleton propped up and forgotten in the corner of my crackerbox apartment, I wouldn't be doing this all alone!"

 

Hey, don't get me wrong. I can take the cold weather bulls**t. I grew up in Michigan, the Land Between the Lake Effect Snows. Ain't no thing to dig out like this. But sitting here for two days with no one to talk to, and no telephone calls from a special "someone" checking in to see if I'm okay and to say how much I'm missed...it was simply f**cked up in a monumental way. A complete and total emotional lockdown. Probably close to being two of the worst days I've endured since the big kiss-off.

 

Especially since my ex-fiance would have called to see how I was. Either that, or we would have been together through this. Not that I want him back. I want someone in my life who will care the way that he did, and I'm beginning to feel as though I'm on my last legs emotionally and psychologically waiting for him. And beginning to fear/realize that maybe there is no such person and that happy endings (or even happy middles) aren't for the likes of me.

 

That brings me to North Shore's musings on Fate. Girl, you took the words right out of my mouth! I've tried all my life to be a decent person. Fair. Considerate. Decent. Where has it gotten me? Disrespected. Abandoned. Cheated. Makes you wonder. I see countless people every week where I work, including some coworkers, who are some of the most selfish, self-absorbed, conceited, and mean-spirited people I've ever encountered and yet they're all coupled with someone who apparently believes that they're at least worth sharing a residence and a legal contract of marriage with! These are people, and I'm being honest, that I have absolutely not one shred of respect for and am absolutely thunderstruck that another human being would put up with their ugly personalities for 30 seconds, let alone (ostensibly) love them.

 

Why them and not me? What can you chalk it up to but Fate, or some other cosmic mechanism that has gone terribly wrong?

 

More and more, I'm beginning to feel like I did when I was a kid playing musical chairs. Damned if I wasn't the one who was always left standing alone! Everyone else managed to find one of those damn little plastic chairs in their bright primary colors, even if it meant pushing someone else (me) out of the way to get it! It's essentially the story of my life...no chair, no place, no one, nothing that belongs to me.

 

Can't tell you what a pleasure it was to dig myself out of my snow encrusted hovel and make it to a grocery store and see all those big sparkly Valentine's Day cards, and the red plush bears holding little signs saying "I Wuv U" and the mounds of foil-wrapped candies in frilly boxes at the cashier's stands Plus, a friend of mine who's a photographer sent me a pic he took at a wedding he shot: cute little bridesmaids with fresh faces and teeny little dresses and beautiful bouquets. At least he didn't send a photo of the bride. That would have completely put me over the edge.

 

Ugh. I was alone for a long time before the ex came along. I've spent more time alone than a fricking hermit, and I've been celibate longer than most nuns! I thought all this miserable loneliness was over. I thought I had paid for some happiness, which is coming pretty late in my life if you ask me! Now I'm back at square one...and losing hope. No one knows how happy it would have made me just to have had a man I loved and who loved me with me during this snowstorm, just to have some popcorn and snuggle under a quilt together! I would enjoy the simplest and smallest of experiences because I've done without them for so much of my life. What a shmuck!

 

Man...more and more I'm thinking of packing up my little car and heading down to New Orleans where it's warm and see if men down there can appreciate a real woman! Boy, do I need a vacation!

[ion]

KaiaMahina, it's a hard switch no?

 

Last week, I was hanging out at some friends place and ended up walking out with a friend to the cars. When to give her a kiss on the cheek and a hug after taking her to her car.

 

Surprise, surprise she tried to kiss me on the mouth!

 

This dating thing, switching back into the process, is daunting a little. Even as you say venturing over to the dating section of loveshack is such a weird vibe.

 

I wonder what is the inbetween stage of coping and dating too...

[KaiaMahina]

Ion, I know that there is a place between Coping and Dating that some people inhabit for a while. It's called PayBack City, or its suburb, Rebound Village.

 

Residents of Rebound Village go out with the first person who asks them because they're lonely/sexually frustrated/bored and find themselves in an untenable situation with a partner they are entirely unsuited to, which they must either end themselves or be dumped again and return to Breakup in a remorseless vicious cycle. They are more to be pitied than feared, except by those who end up being dumped by them when they come to their senses.

 

Those who hang out in PayBack City are on the prowl for an unsuspecting bonehead they can lure into a relationship for the express purpose of plundering them emotionally and/or sexually and venting their hurt and anger at their ex on a captive audience. They're preferably looking for someone who is willing to tolerate a lot of abuse and still come following at heel like a stupidly affectionate little puppy. Unfortunately, they sometimes ensnare the country bumpkin residents of Rebound Village. While not intrinsically evil, these people are indeed dangerous and totally unpredictable. Once they have gotten what they feel is payback, they will abandon the poor puppy at the nearest humane shelter. Either that, or in a ditch in the middle of nowhere.

 

I believe that some of us make a decision, consciously or unconsciously, that we don't want to live in either of these places. Which means that we pack all our emotions, hopes, wishes, etc., into a big old shopping cart and pull it with us, in a temporary state of limbo. We don't want to hurt anyone, or be hurt again, or we don't know which end is the hell up. Or, if you're of a metaphysical bent, we're put on hold by the universe/guardian angels/fate until the time is right and we're sensible enough to enter another relationship for more or less the right reasons instead of crazy ones. Not to say that we won't end up right back where we started, but at least we didn't do any interim damage to anyone else.

 

I'm having no luck stirring up the relationship waters at this point. I keep getting idiots who simply love talking and emailing, but they're apparently just big brains sealed in containers in a lab somewhere with electrodes connecting them to the internet and the telephone system. Obviously, they have no actual physical bodies because they rarely ask for dates, or if they do, they don't bother to materialize for them!

 

I have to believe that the brakes are on for some reason! Otherwise I would push my shopping cart into a river and jump in after it!

[ion]

KaiaMahina, indeed the two places of Payback City and Rebound Village do seem to exist. Great explanation of those two places.

 

A good buddy of mine was half joking/half chastising me for having been on great 'no date dates'. That's the stage I'm at this point I guess. Not too interested in dating someone at this point because it feels like those two suburbs are where I would end up.

 

Yet it's true, that a few of the nights have been really really good. One night dinner with a female friend who has a boyfriend in another country and another the ballet with a friend who is in a similar situation of having had the last relationship be extremely emotional.

 

In the end, taking the time to clean up the toxic waste and not dumping it into a landfill or putting it on a barge to circle Pay back City or Rebound Village, is taking time.

 

Sighs.