Just sitting here, losing it....

[MassiveAtom]

It's back.

 

That undeniable pain. That torturoous, gut wrenching, heat in my chest that's only cooled by the tears on my face.

I hate this quiet, curse this freedom, The lie of happiness after the love of your life is lost.

 

They meant everything to me, I tried so hard to warm and available, peaceful and kind. I gave way too much, and somehow took it for granted. Sure I'm human, I'm just a man, but I can never regain what I've lost. the closeness wth my daughters, the peace I felt looking at my wifes face. The vulnerability I promised, I gave. And all to be cast out of the family I adored.

 

Out now, dating, with my brave face, my big smile, confident and strong, hiding the dark places I carry with me on the trip. Safely and securely stowed in my carry on under the seat in front of me. The one way ticket only seems more cruel, as it's punched and I fasten my seatbelt for departure.

 

I miss my family. I miss my wife. Despite all the indifference, despite the anger, despite the seemingly endless destruction of who I had become. I miss them.

 

Oh I'm brave, for sure. I march out every day to face the world with a smile, and laugh and live like nothing's wrong. but I know, and now you do. That if ever there was a way to forever alter another, it is thus. My heart is breaking, It's shredded and raw. I feel like there will never again be the same kind of closeness I had with my wife.

 

My kids forever the reminder that I gave someone all of me because I loved her so completely. She was my "one" my reason for being. That, I guess was my mistake. Thatwas my downfall. I know, I know, I'm worth it for myself. But this is a most excruciating path to growth.

 

I don't want to grow anymore. Just make it stop.

 

just make it go away.

[Merin]

Hang in there MA..

 

Wish I could do/say more..

 

Tiempo my friend.. hang in there

[Devildog]

I hear you MA. I am torn between happiness for having my life back and sadness at the end of my marriage to a woman I gave my everything to.

 

Right now I am scared. If my wife asked me to try to work things out I don't know if I would have the strength to say no or to make it on my terms.

 

It is still early. The wounds are still fresh. It takes time to heal and to get over something this devestating. Try to hang in there and keep yourself busy. I know that is lame advice, but really there is little else I know to tell you. You are ahead of me in this game right now, so I look to your posts for guidance more than to be able to help.

[MassiveAtom]

Well there you have it.

 

She's on match.com with two pictures of her that I ADORE!! One, on our wedding day, the other I took about two years ago. her profile describes ME to a "T".

 

That snapped me out of it. How could anyone do that? I know, She really doesn't give a crap about me anymore. Not one little bit.

 

Ah well, c"est l'amour.

 

I know what she wants to do, and that's have as much sex as she can. Even though she stopped having sex with me a long time ago. I'm jealous, cuz I liked having sex with her.

 

I just want all the caring and positive feelings I have for her to just vanish already for chrissake.

 

I'm tired of giving a sh|t.

 

And devil, then it's the blind leading the blind my man. I hate my life now.

 

ma

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

She's on match.com with two pictures of her that I ADORE!! One, on our wedding day, the other I took about two years ago. her profile describes ME to a "T".

 

you mean you think she is looking for someone exactly like you?

 

one on her wedding day? does she know that you would look up match.com? if so this is the worst form of manipulation i have ever heard!

 

[Devildog]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

 

And devil, then it's the blind leading the blind my man. I hate my life now.

 

ma

 

What do they say about locking 1000 monkeys in a room with a typewriter, eventually they will start banging out Shakespeare? Maybe a couple of blind guys can lead each other out of the nightmare with enough time.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong

you mean you think she is looking for someone exactly like you?

 

one on her wedding day? does she know that you would look up match.com? if so this is the worst form of manipulation i have ever heard!

 

 

I put up a profile up there a month ago, and now here she is. When I checked the compatibility EVERY LITTLE GREEN DOT was lit under the "what she wants" column. I knew I had found her but I didn't know she wanted another me. It's very odd.

 

Could you please explain the manipulation part. My eyes are still red and swollen, I'm not thinking too clearly.

 

ma

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Devildog

What do they say about locking 1000 monkeys in a room with a typewriter, eventually they will start banging out Shakespeare? Maybe a couple of blind guys can lead each other out of the nightmare with enough time.

 

Then you my friend are getting a PM! Right now!

 

ma

[Owl]

She's posted on match.com...and you show complete compatibility. I say create a new profile, without a pic (if possible, never been to the site), and send her a message or whatever it is they do there.

 

Would be interesting to see what happens.

 

There's an older country song about a couple both do a dating service thing while they're still married...end up meeting each other at the bar.

 

I'm not really serious about you doing this...but was just a funny thought.

[Yikes]

"Time heals all wounds... unless you pick at them".

 

Cut yourself some slack. As painfull as this may be, it sounds as though you are not on her radar and she is moving on. You might just need to make the decision to move on yourself and be as happy as you can, afterall you cannot MAKE someone love you, nor should you have to.

 

Whenever you are ready to put her in your rearview mirror, TRY not to look back and pick at your wounds. Put your energy into the things that are in your control and do your best to accept the things that aren't.

 

Hang in there.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm going to share one of my 'quitting smoking' tips with you :

 

It works like this.... Whenever you think about her, you pretend you are a computer, and you DUMP THE FILE. You do not under any circumstance allow your mind to dwell on her.

 

The purpose is not really to avoid the problem. It's to put emotional distance between you and the problem. You can always review it all at a later date, when your feelings aren't quite as raw.

 

When thinking about your daughters, you can't dump that file, but you can alter it a little. Instead of thinking of how much you miss them being in the home with you full time, you do active parenting. Call them on the phone, plan your next fun activity, pick out a funny e-card to send, etc.

 

Hang in there. There are bumps in the road, but you're going to be okay.

 

"Cause you're good enough, you're smart enough, and dog-gone-it people like you"

[blind_otter]

Withdrawals are a bitch. I wish I could offer more sympathy. But I know how much it hurts, maybe not in the same way, but I am familiar with the pain. Dating while you are in withdrawals is even worse. That's like, to me, trying to go out to the bar and not get blind drunk.

 

And would I be way off base in saying that she may simply be having a hard time being honest with herself about what she wants/needs? I romanticize my exhusband a lot. He was the one who treated me best, even though we were awful together. Luckily we have a mutual friend who often reminds me that I am romanticizing him and says stuff like, "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, otter, don't you remember when he.....or when he......or that one time you guys....."

 

Grief is a bitch, too. You have to let it happen, though. It's like giving birth, well more like a miscarriage, to me. You go through the labor pains. It hurts. you get through it. You get past it. You move forward. You change. A month, 2 months, 6 months later - you are a completely different person. This, too, shall pass.

[Lil Honey]

I have to get this off my chest. My reason might be because I'm selfish (hoping I'll feel better), but I'm hoping that I can help you somehow.

 

I was married for 24 years. I thought about leaving for several years. The divorce that I initiated was final 17 days ago.

 

I was married to a good man. He didn't drink, smoke, nor was he ever abusive. We never had a problem with telling the other person where we were and when we would be back (it was a form of respect for the other person).

 

I never had a problem with him having time to himself. He had a barn that he would putz in and once in a while I'd go out and help him. A couple years after being married, he found companionship in the TV. Then we got a computer and he divided his time between the two electronics. I went to bed alone every night. I had a couple of talks with him about spending more time doing anything together, and that I got married to share my life. Then he got a truck and I felt like I was moving further down his list of priorities. Other little things came into play as well. There wasn't anything that couldn't have been fixed, if there was more than one person working on the marriage.

 

I knew that another person can't "make me happy," so I started school. I was working full time, going to school full time and getting no help with the kids or the household chores. I felt like a roommate and a maid. I was getting more and more depressed.

 

I finally told him, after all those years, that I was leaving. Now, I have to deal with the guilt that I hurt my best friend. It is unfortunate that my best friend ignored me, didn't always respect me, and didn't show any sense of me being important to him - until it was too late.

 

Massive Atom said that his wife didn't want to have sex with him. That is how it was with us as well. I just wasn't interested. My feelings for him were gone. I didn't think that I would ever be interested in sex with anyone ever again. It just wasn't even on my list of important things.

 

Our divorce was amicable. I told him right from the beginning that I didn't want to take him to the cleaners. If there was ever going to be a disagreement, I'd hand over whatever the thing was, because things aren't worth bad feelings. I want us to get along.

 

So, now I deal with guilt feelings of hurting him. I've never been a hurtful person. It was the only way I knew to "get happy." I can honestly say that I may not be happier being divorced, I'm just . . . different.

 

I hope this sheds some sort of light for you.

 

Lil Honey

[MassiveAtom]

I actually wish she were more like that. Saying ," I want us to get along, I know you're hurting and I know you're angry, You'll get through this, I know you can. "

 

Or ANYTHING to that effect. I have to say this to myself.

 

But I know she's completely indifferent. I know she want EVERY other guy that isn't me, but me.

 

I was Always attentive, and strong, I dated her from time to time to renew, I agot angry sometimes sure, and sometimes at her. But I never abused, hit, or anything like that.

 

I'm just really sick of hurting. I HAVE to find the strength to carry on.

 

GOD that sounds cheesy, but it's so true.

 

but where? Where is it?

 

ugh....

 

ma

[Devildog]

It's kind of a funny thing with emotions. Seems like the more love you had/have for the person, the more anger and hate you feel when this is done to you.

 

Just try to remember the strength you showed loving your ex-wife. You know you have the strength, just need to redirect it now. Put that passion into something else, and eventually into someone else when you are ready.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

I'm just really sick of hurting. I HAVE to find the strength to carry on.

 

but where? Where is it?

 

First, it is in the time that you spend with your children.

 

Second, it is in the time that you give yourself to heal - and it might be awhile. Allow yourself to hurt and cry when you feel like it, then pick yourself up and do something to keep busy.

 

Exercise your frustrations out. Hit a punching bag. Take deep breaths. Take one day at a time.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

First, it is in the time that you spend with your children.[/quote

 

I love my daughters, I not as fond of parenting as most though. But I do cherish the time we spend together. But wouldn't you know it? My STBX's timeline was so fast that I got stuck with this interim thing that forced me to stay 25 miles away in the house that we just bought 5 months earlier! Those of you who've read me from back in august, know what a hell that was. and now this. I think the whole thing is engineered.

 

Second, it is in the time that you give yourself to heal - and it might be awhile. Allow yourself to hurt and cry when you feel like it, then pick yourself up and do something to keep busy.

 

Yeah, I'm going back to school, working on the house (which gets very depressing sometimes) But I so want the closeness of another human being it just hurts being alone sometimes.

 

I have to say though, I had a date the other day, and none of this was even on my mind. I try to think about that but all I can do is fall back into this funk.

 

Exercise your frustrations out. Hit a punching bag. Take deep breaths. Take one day at a time.

 

I wish I had the money to do that, the mortgage I took on is over Half my salary, mediation costs money, I gotta eat, have food when the kids come over. ugh.

 

What really sucks is that I was shocked awake today, by the image of my wife at a really good point in our marriage. It was the picture that she's using on her personals ad on match.com. We were going out to dinner that night, and were having a wonderful time. WHAM! she turned away and vanished. I woke feeling like someone was standing on my chest.

 

I just gotta keep remembering the truth. That my eight year marriage now feels like it was 5 minutes......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

....under water!

 

 

getting there....

 

mA

[GreenCap]

MA

 

Someone told me this the other day. The question was, do you still trust her? The answer was no. Then you don't love her anymore.

 

What you feel and I feel now because I heard she got engaged to her boss' boss after 4 months of our breakup, is loneliness. But I am learning to be alone with myself again, be comfortable with myself and not be emotionally dependent on someone else. I gave her the power over me and now I am the sucker who's dying. Why do we torture ourselves like that.

 

You are not lonely. You feel lonely because your eight year routine is no more and you have to find something to fill it. That's what I am doing....you have taken some steps to fill the void, which is more than I have done, so good for you. At this juncture, I would say group activities would be better than solo dating. You are not there emotionally and it will be unfair to the other person who is seriously out there for something.

 

Don't let her see you like this because it will only confirm her leaving as the right course of action. I want my ex back still (I think) and she won't want to come back to a shell of man - that's what I am now a shell of person, can't eat, can't work, can't take care of myself. And she wants to come back to his child.

 

I will never give her the satisfaction. You should not either. Embrace your feelings but know that it will pass and come back and pass again. You have kids to look to you for strength, you have that responsibility. Don't let your kids down for your demeanor will affect their entire lives. Take care.

[MassiveAtom]

GreenCap.

 

 

two words.

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

MA

[Lil Honey]

Good post, GC.