Married the wrong person

[CosettetheBet]

The title says it all. I married the wrong person and I say that with out ever having met the "right" person and I feel very stuck and unhappy.

 

 

 

My husband has really improved in the last six months or so; he’s started helping out with the chores while also being more patient with me. I’m not an easy person to deal with and I know that. He loves me, anyway, and seems to really want to try to make me happy.

 

 

 

But, I’m to the point where I just don’t like him or his family and I feel like a jerk. I’m lonely in my marriage. I feel that something significant is missing but I’m not sure what it is. We don’t have anything in common. The only things he’s interested in doing are hanging out with his parents and brother and getting online.

 

 

 

We have a son together, and I’m not looking to cheat or get a divorce. I’m looking to try to find ways to be more content in my relationship with my husband even though our personalities don’t mesh well.

 

 

 

Due to the way my husband handles things, my temper has gotten worse and the way I handle my temper has gotten worse. He likes to goad me and taunt me and tear me down when I’m really upset. He likes to set down uncompromising absolutes in our relationship (which I am not allowed to do, by the way) and most of the time I feel very shut down emotionally.

 

 

 

I do not have any sense of privacy or alone time in my relationship. When I request alone time (when the baby is finally asleep) my husband follows me from room to room, sitting down exactly where I am, almost to the point where he’s sitting on top of me, like he thinks it’s funny.

 

 

 

Every time I log on to check my email or Facebook, he suddenly needs my attention and then gets angry when I don’t give it to him. I feel very smothered in my relationship.

 

 

 

He likes to make fun of me when I have to do unpleasant tasks. For example, my baby pooped in the bath tub and his brother was visiting (as he had been for the past five days. He stays at our house quite a bit) and I asked for some help and his response was to laugh and say he couldn’t because his brother was there. When I got very angry about this, he told me that I should have "pressed" the issue and he would have helped. I’m not sure what that even means.

 

 

 

I really regret marrying him because I think that with the right person I probably wouldn’t have as many anger problems as I do. I bet I could have even been happy. I’m not sure that I love him, although I do the best I can to be nice to him.

 

 

 

PLEASE NOTE: I’m not interested in cheating, because frankly if my relationship ever ends, I will NEVER EVER get married again. You could not pay me to put myself in a situation where I would be beholden to someone else after what I’ve experienced with my current husband. I am not one of those naive people who think the grass is greener on the other side. I think that maybe I just am not cut out for marriage or relationships.

 

 

 

So, I guess what I’m wondering is if it would even be worth my time to try to go to counseling when my husband will not change his ways. I am not trying to be in love with him. I don’t even care about that. I just want to find away to get along with him so that we can raise our son together and then maybe when our son is raised I can finally get the divorce I’ve been wanting since we got married.

 

 

 

The only reason we got married in the first place, in case you were wondering, is because I got pregnant. I think maybe four years ago I was a happy person and probably fun to be around. My husband says that I "lied" to him about who I really was, that I used to be sweet and kind, but now that I’m married I can finally be as "b*tchy" as I want.

 

 

 

And I’m sure I’m unpleasant for him to live with. His sense of humor is like that of a fraternity brother; fart jokes and making fun of people of other races and fat women, and those aren’t the things I find funny. He’d rather laugh when the kid throws food then correct it. I feel like I’m the only adult in the house.

 

 

 

I feel bad because I didn’t mean to "lie" to him about who I am. I try to put on my "happy" face when I’m around the baby, and I am on antidepressants because otherwise I would probably just up and leave my husband. He’s threatened me several times saying that I can leave, but that if I leave and take the baby he’ll make my life a living H3LL. He makes good money, and I do believe him when he says that.

 

 

 

So, maybe I should just leave, but I can’t leave my baby behind.

 

 

 

I guess I just need to know how you make something like this work when you’re heart just isn’t in it.

[Philosoraptor]

So why did you marry him? There had to be something there. If not, then you certainly did marry the wrong person and I wouldn't bother with counseling.

 

If there was something there, then demand counseling. Let him know you are unhappy and if he isn't willing to try and correct things with you then you are going to hand him divorce papers. There is no reason in the world to live in this unhappy miserable life you describe.

[CosettetheBet]

I feel like I made a committment to my husband under God and I won't leave or divorce or cheat. I got pregnant out of wedlock and this is my fault and being married to my husband is my punishment (or so I see it). Maybe at one time there was a person out there for me, but I believe that my actions have directly caused me to be unhappy and I'm willing to take responsiblity for that.

 

My husband isn't a bad man, but he's not the one for me.

 

What kind of things can you "learn" in counseling?

[CosettetheBet]

I don't know if the problems we have are normal or not.

 

People should be really careful who they marry. It's easy to get caught up in, "this is the right thing to do," as in my case, or just in the desire to have a life partner.

 

But, the bottom line is if it's not right, it's not right.

 

Do I want out? Yes. Very very much. I'm not a hero. I don't want this marriage.

 

But, do I think it's better for my kid if I suck it up and be an adult about my mistake?

 

Yes, I do.

 

I just need advice on how to make this work.

[Grumpybutfun]

There is no advice for this because your husband sounds unkind, unpleasant and immature. You married for religious and moral reasons to punish yourself for sex out of wedlock when you got pregnant so this is an unhealthy dynamic that can't be fixed. You are also wrong about your child...most kids would rather share two separate functioning happy homes than one where there is resentment, mockery and unkindness.

You need IC because you need to get out of the toxic relationship you are in before it makes you and your child into bitter, resentful and unhealthy people.

IMHO,

Grumps

[pteromom]

I’m lonely in my marriage. I feel that something significant is missing but I’m not sure what it is. We don’t have anything in common. The only things he’s interested in doing are hanging out with his parents and brother and getting online.

 

Your happiness doesn't have to come only from your marriage. You can go do things with friends, your family... you can get hobbies and fill yourself up.

 

He likes to goad me and taunt me and tear me down when I’m really upset. He likes to set down uncompromising absolutes in our relationship (which I am not allowed to do, by the way) and most of the time I feel very shut down emotionally.

 

You teach people how to treat you. You accept his absolutes. You accept his taunting. You can't change him, but you can change your reactions and what you accept or agree to. Read about setting boundaries in relationships.

 

I do not have any sense of privacy or alone time in my relationship. When I request alone time (when the baby is finally asleep) my husband follows me from room to room, sitting down exactly where I am, almost to the point where he’s sitting on top of me, like he thinks it’s funny.

 

At a time when he is in a reasonable and loving mood, talk to him about this. Explain that it is very important to you to have some time to yourself, and that you would appreciate him not doing that. If he continues to do this, take your alone time at a local coffee shop or somewhere physically away from him until he understands.

 

Every time I log on to check my email or Facebook, he suddenly needs my attention and then gets angry when I don’t give it to him. I feel very smothered in my relationship.

 

Again, you teach people how to treat you. You can tell him "I am busy and will be there in 5 minutes". If he gets angry, oh well. He's allowed to get angry if he wants to, but it doesn't have to be your job to fix it.

 

He likes to make fun of me when I have to do unpleasant tasks. For example, my baby pooped in the bath tub and his brother was visiting (as he had been for the past five days. He stays at our house quite a bit) and I asked for some help and his response was to laugh and say he couldn’t because his brother was there. When I got very angry about this, he told me that I should have "pressed" the issue and he would have helped. I’m not sure what that even means.

 

It sounds to me like he didn't realize how serious you were about wanting help. Maybe you could come up with a certain way to ask or a word, that if you use, he knows you are serious.

 

I really regret marrying him because I think that with the right person I probably wouldn’t have as many anger problems as I do. I bet I could have even been happy. I’m not sure that I love him, although I do the best I can to be nice to him.

 

You don't know that though. Your best option is to see what YOU can do to change the patterns in your relationship. Change the way you respond, communicate, and perhaps feelings will follow.

 

Being angry all the time isn't good for you or your son.

 

I think that maybe I just am not cut out for marriage or relationships.

 

Maybe not. But maybe it is just a matter of adjusting your thinking a little bit.

 

So, I guess what I’m wondering is if it would even be worth my time to try to go to counseling when my husband will not change his ways. I am not trying to be in love with him. I don’t even care about that. I just want to find away to get along with him so that we can raise our son together and then maybe when our son is raised I can finally get the divorce I’ve been wanting since we got married.

 

Of course it would be worth it. You can't change him, but you could definitely change the way you feel about what he does, and change your emotional response to what he does.

 

And I’m sure I’m unpleasant for him to live with. His sense of humor is like that of a fraternity brother; fart jokes and making fun of people of other races and fat women, and those aren’t the things I find funny. He’d rather laugh when the kid throws food then correct it. I feel like I’m the only adult in the house.

 

You guys don't have to be exactly the same. You don't have to have the same humor, and you don't have to parent the same.

 

I guess I just need to know how you make something like this work when you’re heart just isn’t in it.

 

- Make yourself happy instead of expecting him to do it. Do things that fill you up and bring you joy.

- Accept who he is, differences and all.

- Communicate your needs and issues, without getting angry. Getting angry will just make him defensive, so he won't hear what you are really asking.

- Accept that just as he isn't responsible for your happiness, you aren't responsible for his. He can be angry and upset and disagree with you, and you don't always have to fix it for him.

- Put aside any need to make him exactly like you. It's ok if he laughs when the baby throws food, as long as he's willing to clean it up. It's ok if he makes fart jokes. It's ok for him to be a different person than you.

- Try to open your heart. Right now, you are so invested in your anger and differences, you don't even see his good qualities or what COULD be if you guys both change the patterns. Start trying to make a conscious effort to appreciate him and the things he brings to your family. See if you can soften your heart toward him.

 

It could be that you are generally depressed, and focusing on him as the cause of that depression, when in reality, you are just unhappy with your life and who you are right now.

 

I hope you are able to find your way back to happiness.

[whichwayisup]

Your dynamic with your husband will be more clear to your son as he gets older. He will witness how a relationship should be based on what he sees at home between you and your husband. This is an unhealthy marriage and it's done it's damage and will continue to do it's damage as time goes along.

 

Is he a good father overall? Or he is more like an annoying uncle that won't go away. Does he help raise your son or is it all on you?

[CosettetheBet]

I guess to clear some things up...

 

I do ask for space. I tell my husband very plainly that I want it. He totally ignores me. I may as well not even speak the words. I don't know how else to say, "Give me some space, please, I need to decompress," other then to just say it.

 

I asked my husband twice, in fact, to help out with the baby. What he meant was that I didn't raise my voice or fight him to help me. In his mind, if I'm not acting like a shrew, I don't mean what I'm saying. It's a catch 22 with him, because if I'm nice, he ignores me.

 

He's not the worst father in the world, but he's not the best. During the week, I do most of the parenting. I go to class on Thursdays (tonight) and on Saturdays during the afternoon and he watches the little on then, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

 

It's just that when I do drop the ball on something and he has to make up for something I screwed up on, he acts like he's the hero and I'm the crappy parent. I guess if I didn't do 80% of the parenting, I probably wouldn't have such a problem with it. I just feel like sometimes he waits for me to fail so he can swoop in like super dad.

 

He's just kind of an immature partner.

 

But to be fair, I'm kind of emotionally shut down, so I come off as cold to him when I don't mean to. I'm not as polite as I could be to his family, honestly. Maybe it's because there at the house so darn much. I get in trouble for not spending enough time with them, and I'll admit I go shut myself in the bedroom sometimes.

 

I don't want to demonize him. He really does love his son and I know he loves me. He's not a perfect man and he is not easy to live with, but he is getting better and trying to make an effort. I may not have the husband I want or the life I want, but I do have a roof over my head and I do love my son.

 

I'm far from perfect. The problem here is mine, not his. I'm the one who is unhappy. I'm the one who wants freedom.

 

I don't know how to just be content with what I have. I don't know if being alone would be easier, but I sometimes feel it would be better then feeling this emotionally shut down.

 

As for my anger, I think it's due alot of times to his immaturity and insensitivity. I'm not saying it's an appropriate response or that he deserves it, but sometimes I just can't help it and it feels like steam just shoots out of my ears for the littlest things.

 

What I'd really like is to learn how to deal with his reactions, and Pteromom gave me some really good advice. I'm not going to exit state left on this relationship in any way, shape or form. If someone cheats, it won't be me. If someone leaves, it won't be me.

 

Divorce in this case would be really really messy. I'm sure it is in all cases, but I just don't want to have to go through it. He'd fight me every step of the way and make life as hard as he possibly could for me and that's really not good for the baby. I also don't think there's anyone special out there for me that would cause me to leave.

 

I think alot of times people leave because they think they're someone better, but that's just fantasy. I know this sounds sexist, but I believe all men are pretty much the same deep down. I don't think the deep connection I'm missing actually exists or that I have a soul mate or anything like that. People are people.

 

My son loves his dad so very much. He talks about his "dada" all the time and I'm not separating them no matter how I feel. This isn't about me, anymore, except for how I can make this a better environment for my family despite my feelings.

 

I like the idea of a hobby. I used to read at night, but my husband gets offended if I'm not paying attention to him. Maybe I could get into knitting or something where I could make some close girl friends.

 

Pteromom- I keep reading your post over and over. YOu must have dealt with this in your own life.

Edited February 20, 2014 by CosettetheBet

[pteromom]

I guess to clear some things up...

 

I do ask for space. I tell my husband very plainly that I want it. He totally ignores me. I may as well not even speak the words. I don't know how else to say, "Give me some space, please, I need to decompress," other then to just say it.

 

This is something you need to have a very serious "we need to talk" conversation about. Not when you are asking for space, but when you are both calm and peaceful. It's a good "after sex" topic, when he is feeling loved and relaxed. Tell him that you need to talk to him about something that is very important to you. Then tell him how important having space is to you. Tell him how it makes you feel when he doesn't allow you space. Tell him how you will be able to be more loving toward him if you are allowed to decompress and then come back to him rejuvenated. If he starts getting angry, don't follow him there. Stay calm and focused on sharing your needs.

 

I asked my husband twice, in fact, to help out with the baby. What he meant was that I didn't raise my voice or fight him to help me. In his mind, if I'm not acting like a shrew, I don't mean what I'm saying. It's a catch 22 with him, because if I'm nice, he ignores me.

 

Something else you need to talk to him about. When you did this, I felt discounted/sad/taken for granted. If you would just help me when I ask, I would feel like you love me and want to help out. What can I do or say when I need your help that will make you realize I am serious?

 

He's not the worst father in the world, but he's not the best. During the week, I do most of the parenting. I go to class on Thursdays (tonight) and on Saturdays during the afternoon and he watches the little on then, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

 

This is going to sound bad, but this is just part of being a mom. Us moms end up doing almost everything. Guys just don't view parenting the same way we do. Many of them figure if the kid is alive, all is well, and don't put the level of work into cleanliness, nutrition, rules, education, etc. that we do. The more you can let go of your expectations of your husband in this area, and just accept that you are the main parent when it comes to childcare, the happier you will be.

 

It's just that when I do drop the ball on something and he has to make up for something I screwed up on, he acts like he's the hero and I'm the crappy parent.

 

This too is part of normal marriage dynamics. A lot of husbands feel like they should get an award for doing once the things we wives do every day. The thing is that just because you screw up and he ACTS like you are the crappy parent, doesn't mean you have to accept that you are the crappy parent. You know what you do, and you have to be confident in that. Of course, if you do 80% of parenting, there are more opportunities to make mistakes. Duh.

 

I just feel like sometimes he waits for me to fail so he can swoop in like super dad.

 

The way you feel about this is on YOU, not him. Someone else cannot MAKE you feel badly about yourself. You choose to feel that, and you can change it.

 

But to be fair, I'm kind of emotionally shut down, so I come off as cold to him when I don't mean to. I'm not as polite as I could be to his family, honestly. Maybe it's because there at the house so darn much. I get in trouble for not spending enough time with them, and I'll admit I go shut myself in the bedroom sometimes.

 

Nothing wrong with shutting yourself in the bedroom. Sounds like an opportunity for that "me" time you crave. But you should be polite to his family - just flat out tell them that you enjoy them coming over because your son loves them and you can sneak away for a break. Unless they are the types to make drama out of that.

 

And you should work on not being cold to your husband. Sitting at your computer right now, just close your eyes, and think of one thing your husband does that you are grateful for. Maybe he takes the trash out or changes the light bulbs or carries in groceries for you. Maybe he is good at dealing with insurance and other life details. He may not contribute in the ways you wish he would, but certainly he does something, right? Think about that for a few moments, and try to feel grateful. Start practicing that, and when he does something, THANK him for it. Even if inside, you feel a little resentful that you are thanking him for doing 10% of what he should be doing. Gratitude breeds gratitude. Anger breeds anger.

 

he is getting better and trying to make an effort.

 

This is BIG, and shows promise that just maybe, things will be OK.

 

I may not have the husband I want or the life I want, but I do have a roof over my head and I do love my son.

 

Part of having the husband you want is who he is. And the other part is analyzing your thought patterns and expectations to see what you are willing to bend on so it fits into your marriage. This is part (the HARD part) of being married. You can't build a marriage out of two hard pieces of steel. You have to bend yourself in the fire so you can find a way to fit together.

 

I'm far from perfect. The problem here is mine, not his. I'm the one who is unhappy. I'm the one who wants freedom.

 

You can have freedom within your marriage. Obviously not freedom to sleep with other people or date, but freedom to be who you want to be, and do what you want to do (to the extent you can with a child). You do NOT have to allow him to dictate what you can and can't do and who you can or can't be. YOU decide that. And as soon as you make that choice that doing what you want is better than just giving in to keep the peace while silently resenting it, you will learn just how free you can be.

 

I don't know how to just be content with what I have. I don't know if being alone would be easier, but I sometimes feel it would be better then feeling this emotionally shut down.

 

Again, it is YOUR choice to be emotionally shut down. It's your choice to just accept this life as yours. Marriage/romantic relationships are only one part of life. There are so many opportunities for you to be more and do more, but you have to make the decision to make a change. Start with YOU. See if you can make yourself happier without worrying about whether to end your marriage.

 

As for my anger, I think it's due alot of times to his immaturity and insensitivity. I'm not saying it's an appropriate response or that he deserves it, but sometimes I just can't help it and it feels like steam just shoots out of my ears for the littlest things.

 

You CAN help it. Do you go through life yelling at people? Do you scream at your family, his family, strangers on the street, your boss, your professor? No? Then you can help it. You can't choose whether you are angry, but you absolutely choose your behavior. And your son is watching you. Don't think he isn't. He's learning how to be in a relationship from you. Never forget that.

 

I'm not going to exit state left on this relationship in any way, shape or form. If someone cheats, it won't be me. If someone leaves, it won't be me.

 

OK. Since staying is your only option, then why not work on making your marriage happier, so you can have a better life? There are SO many things you can do on your end to make things better even if he changes NOTHING.

 

I know this sounds sexist, but I believe all men are pretty much the same deep down. I don't think the deep connection I'm missing actually exists or that I have a soul mate or anything like that. People are people.

 

This is true, and not true. It's true that men do and process things very differently from women.

 

I like the idea of a hobby. I used to read at night, but my husband gets offended if I'm not paying attention to him. Maybe I could get into knitting or something where I could make some close girl friends.

 

That sounds great! Are you on Facebook? Maybe there are knitting groups in your area. It's a great way to meet other ladies into the same thing.

 

And him getting offended is another thing you can talk to him about. "What is that about when it makes you angry when I am trying to read? Would it help if we set aside a little time at night to hang out together so you get some time with me? What can we do so that you get what you want (time to be together) and I get what I want (some time to read at night)? Any ideas?"

 

Pteromom- I keep reading your post over and over. YOu must have dealt with this in your own life.

 

My marriage is a work in progress, but I have learned that it's not about marrying the "right person" or "wrong person". It's about accepting each other and making it work between two very different people. Communication, understanding, respect, acceptance of differences, and working together to negotiate compromises.

[CosettetheBet]

[sIZE=2]

My husband is very nit picky and passive aggressive. I am at a point where I'm blowing up about little things and I'm having a hard time dealing.

 

For example, I had the day off yesterday. So, I did a bunch of running around in the morning and then got home and cleaned the house and did laundry.

 

I worked really really hard to try to get everything done while he went to work.

 

I needed help with folding a mountain of laundry that I had also done, including his clothes and work shirts, and he became passive aggressive with me.

 

He wanted to play an online video game that was "time sensitive" and requested some personal time.

 

I gave him an hour and then asked if he could help with laundry. He got huffy and annoyed so I left him alone. I had no idea how long it would take him and even asked him for a time line so that I wouldn't keep bothering him.

 

Later on, he came in the room and started angrily hanging shirts up.

 

He asked what I had against folding clothes. I told him those were his work shirts that we normally hang, not fold, and that there was so much laundry I didn't have much room to maneuver. Plus, there was so much I was trying to get done in a short period of time that I didn't think it would be a big deal.

 

He restated that when he was single, he was able to do his own laundry and not have these problems, so he didn't understand where I was coming from.

 

I stated that we had a child together and that I was also doing my clothing, so the logistics where different. I got a little defensive, and he called me out and said he was tired of not even being able to have a civil conversation with me. I just dropped it.

 

Then, he complained that one of his t-shirts was fading from black to a green color and asked why it was doing that.

 

I got a little annoyed and said that I didn't know, that I never used bleach. He again reiterated that he was just trying to ask me questions to make conversation.

 

Then, he pointed to a white stain on his Carhartts. He accused me of using bleach. I said that we didin't have bleach and I had no idea what that stain was. He then admitted that he had done that load himself and that the stain was from white paint.

 

I got tired of him acting this way, so I offered kindly to do the rest of the laundry by myself. That I didn't mind. He then launched into asking me why we can't just have a normal conversation and how I was acting like a marytr.

 

I told him I felt like he was being passive aggressive, and he blamed it all on me again and said it was my problematic personality, not his.

 

How do I handle this? I just want to keep the peace and not get into altercations like this. Should I just let it go and not try to defend myself?

[/sIZE]

[M30USA]

You say your anger problem is because of your husband. When I was married, I was told (as a man) that I have full control over my reactions to my wife. Have you taken accountability for your anger issues?

[CosettetheBet]

No, I haven't. And I need to.

 

I just have a really hard time letting things go if someone knit picks at me.

 

I definitely need to work on that.

 

Also, I need to find a way to change my expectations of the relationship. I think Pteromom was right...I have to bend to the relationship because the relationship isn't going to bend to me.

 

I need an attitude readjustment.

Edited February 26, 2014 by CosettetheBet

[Sunlight72]

There are many tough spots I see for your relationship with your husband, and it sounds like it has taken a good long while to slide this far into the ditch.

 

You won't be able to fix it all by the end of next month, so don't quite think of it all as one problem, but break it down by little behaviors and separate moments you can actually manage to understand and react to differently.

 

When you feel a tense moment coming on, and you also can hear that separate part of your brain saying, "here it comes" - try this one time to step back emotionally. Don't fight your way out of it or into it; instead, this one time open your ears, relax your stomach and take 3 really deep breaths and remember this is one moment. It will soon pass, and you will still be OK.

 

Then see if you can find something to say that asks your husband to help you feel supported and cared for. No accusing or correcting. Just ask as peacefully and hopefully as you honestly can for his understanding and support or help.

 

Don't expect this of yourself all day. Just try to make it work once. Once.

 

It won't be great. It won't work each time. When you feel it might work though, breath and relax, and let go.

 

See if you can get the both of you on the same team one time. Then give him a hug. Don't expect or hope for him to be amazing all the time now. Just once. Start here

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

Edited February 27, 2014 by Sunlight72

[CosettetheBet]

Well, we've decided that I'm going to move into the spare bedroom this weekend.

 

We want to remain married, but neither of us are happy in the relationship. We worked on some of the financials last night.

 

We've decided to divide up childcare, so that we can both get out and about if we need to.

 

That way, we still get some benefits from remaining together.

 

I'm not sure how things will work out in the long term, but last night he said he would have kicked me out a long time ago if it weren't for the baby, so he must be feeling about the same way I am.

[kalimata]

Cosette: sounds like you might have post-partum depression. Have you gotten yourself checked for this?

[CarrieT]

This is not a good sign...

 

If you are both able to "get out and about if we need to," what will happen when/if you find out he is sleeping with other women?

 

Because I believe that is the inevitable next step. The marriage is breaking down and you are finding a band-aid to "still get some benefits from remaining together." What are those benefits?

 

You two need to still communicate what this separation means and devise perimeters to this trial separation to avoid HUGE conflicts later.

[Mr. Nibbles]

My gf likes me to help out with the laundry but I usually just get in the way.

[CosettetheBet]

There's alot to work out, that's for sure.

 

I wouldn't care if he went out on dates or whatever as long as he didn't bring them into the home. If he does that, I will divorce him because I think that's just rude and I don't want my kid to see it.

 

I guess if he found someone else he wanted to date seriously, we'd have to talk about it. I think also at that point we'd have to move into separate places.

 

Basically, there are times we both need to do things on the weekend, and if we can switch off, we won't have to pay for child care. Especially since we do daycare through the week since we both work.

 

Right now, we're talking about taxes and such.

[jimmytwowheels]

I'm just curious what age were you when you married? Sounds like neither of you were really ready for the concept. I'm all for staying together, but in this case you might be able to make a nice clean friendly break.

 

He sounds like a man child. I'm personally useless with laundry because I never even color sorted before my Fiance moved in.

 

Now she does laundry and cleaning, I do housework, garbage, and about 85 percent of the cooking (I rock at it )

[CosettetheBet]

Well, your situation is different.

 

My husband is a micro managing person and is not laid back at all.

 

I would be much better off with someone who was easy going, rather then someone who feels the need to criticize every tiny thing in a blustery way. Yet somehow, when I have called him out on that behavior, it ends up being my fault.

 

There will be no clean break. Neither of us want a divorce. He would make my life a living misery for a long, long time if I tried to leave him.

 

If you want more information about how things started between me and my husband, I'd ask you to consider reading my first post so that I don't have to type everything again because you just don't feel like reading the whole thing.

 

I just need to work on myself and change myself and how I react to things and stop trying to put my expectations of what I think a marriage should be on my husband.

[stillafool]

Since divorce is out of the question what do you plan to do? Just be unhappy and unfulfilled for the rest of your life? Are you saying you will never need a man other than his financial contribution?

[CosettetheBet]

My husband is a good father to his son and a good provider.

 

I have female friends if I need to talk to someone.

 

We still have sex and we try to spice it up. I am inhibited and admit it, because I feel uncomfortable being vulnerable around my husband.

 

I am not convinced that there is a better person out there for me. I've seen too many women jump ship only to regret it later.

 

Happiness is a relative thing. I'm ok with being content. I do not need to be wildly happy.

[Candy_Pants]

It sounds like you are in a relationship with an abusive man.

 

Have you ever considered that?

[Gagirl]

Once a week, could you leave the baby at daycare longer and tell your husband you will be working late? You could take that extra hour and go to the bookstore and just read a magazine or something. Do you have daycare that charges by the hour in your city? You could tell your husband you're going to run some errands then drop off the baby at the daycare and go to the movies. Maybe you could go workout during your lunch break. Try somehow to squeeze a little bit of time in for yourself even if you have to lie to do it. That hour or two hours once a week will make a difference for you until your situation gets better.

[CosettetheBet]

He's very passive aggressive and nit picky, but I don't think he's abusive.