Concern about the mental health of my son

[Tripz]

I'm sure no one really knows the toll divorce will have upon their children, but I worry about it all the time. My 14 year old has only had about a month to process that his folks are divorcing. Within the first week of telling him the news, my wife moved into her own place. He spent the first week there and the next week with me. This is how our parenting plan is set up. My concern is the back and forth, plus him no longer being able to do anything with his mom and me together. We are (so far) in a very amiable dissolution with our son being a primary focus.

 

My question is actually for those that have divorced, but still routinely do things together. I'm sure that the majority of folks split and that is that, but I'm thinking of proposing a monthly or even bi-monthly get together, for our son's sake, doing something all together. My thought is that my son will be able to see us interact with each other amiably, thus adjusting better. Or does it actually make the child even worse off? False sense of hope, confusing, etc?

 

I'm not even sure the Ex would be game for it, but I'm seriously thinking of my son first, here. He seems to be adjusting fine, but it's possible he's just in some form of minor shock or has mentally blocked out the reality of it all. He just seems to handling it way too well for my comfort. I know divorce is way too common these days and he's even said that most of his friends are divorced kids.

[pteromom]

If your ex is on board, and if you guys are able to be around each other without making cutting remarks or eye-rolling, and are able to be friendly and have a good time together, then of course that would be great for your son.

 

You will have to make sure he's aware that you are still friends but have no desire to re-enter the marriage though, so that he isn't confused or hopeful.

 

Knowing that his parents respect each other and are both there for him and he never has to choose will only benefit him.

[RightThere]

His future interactions with women and how he treats them will be DEFINED by how you treat your ex.

 

Treat her with respect (even is she doesn't reciprocate) and your son will know the proper way to treat women.

[Tripz]

I absolutely agree with both of you and she & I have never once, through this awful nightmare, ever argued or spoken poorly to each other, especially not around our son. We did so well, in fact, that when we did tell him, he literally could not believe it. A lot of people told me prior, that don't be surprised if he knows something, kids are intuitive, yada yada. But, I was fairly certain he WAS NOT in the loop. She and I haven't had a "fight" for years, we just became roommates, so I was pretty certain our son had no clue. Which, on one hand, is not good, since it was more of a shock to him, than if he'd seen us not getting along. His only words when we told him were. "But....why?" Friggin heartbreaking. I'm still pissed at my wife for being the one to stop working on this marriage and going outside the marriage vows, ultimately causing this outcome. She has zero idea what damage this has caused and will continue to cause, for many many years to come. So sickening.

 

Anyway, didn't mean to rant, just doing my best to keep it together and do ALL/ANY possible damage control for my beloved son. It's so unfair to him and it kills me daily that this is now his undeserved reality when it truly did not have to be this way. Our problems are/were completely fixable with hard work, prayer, counseling and forgiveness. Just unreal....

[iris219]

Unfortunately, your idea sounds unrealistic, uncomfortable, and unnecessary. If I was your ex, I wouldn't do it because I would dread those monthly get-togethers. Divorce sucks, but I don't see how hanging out a couple times a month is going to make it better. Your son will see you two together at events like birthdays and school functions, and that's appropriate.

 

What happens when you get in new relationships? Are you, your ex, your new gf, and her new bf all going to hang out together? It just doesn't make sense.

 

You can effectively co-parent without physically being together.

[amaysngrace]

I think whatever works is what works best.

 

And as long as both of you can check your own feelings at the door to put your son's feelings first he will turn out just fine.

[velvetgreen]

I've never posted before, but your thread moved me and I wanted to tell you my two cents as a child of divorced parents. My parents divorced when I was about 17; I am now 24. I must admit I would have loved it if my parents were in such good terms that we could spend time all of us together. (It's something I still want ).

 

However, this is something that is only viable when it's true for both parents. It shouldn't be forced, otherwise there is a great chance that these meetings will turn bitter for all. Take your time and walk towards this goal with your ex-wife, if you think you can handle it, but don't put too much pressure on yourself. You already have too much on your plate and your healing is more important for your son's happiness than you realise.

[TheBladeRunner]

Hi OP, I think the age of your son has a lot to do with it. Question: has your son been with the same friends/school system his whole life? Did he grow up with his friends?

 

The reason I ask is that if he has grown up with the same friends I bet a bunch of them have already been through the "divorce mill". I have a young daughter (5) and from what I see at school, most of the kids still have both parents. They have not yet experienced the joys of what I have .

 

It's never easy for the kids at ANY age, but you can reason a whole lot more with an older kid than say my 5 Y.O..

[Tripz]

I appreciate all the responses. All good and valid points and opinions. The things I was thinking about doing weren't like weekend getaways, just a couple or three hours together. Dinner, movies, the zoo. Just something where he gets to see us interact. I do understand the potential for confusion, but I also want him to see two adults who are going through the worst thing other than the death of someone, handle things as adults. I don't know, maybe it's a bad idea.

 

Today, I wish her dead (actually I wished her lover dead and her to suffer). Yesterday I wished her happiness, so who knows how I'll feel another day. I am really getting tired of the highs and lows. Good thing I don't have my son this week, it's been a particularly difficult one.

[RightThere]

I appreciate all the responses. All good and valid points and opinions. The things I was thinking about doing weren't like weekend getaways, just a couple or three hours together. Dinner, movies, the zoo. Just something where he gets to see us interact. I do understand the potential for confusion, but I also want him to see two adults who are going through the worst thing other than the death of someone, handle things as adults. I don't know, maybe it's a bad idea.

 

Today, I wish her dead (actually I wished her lover dead and her to suffer). Yesterday I wished her happiness, so who knows how I'll feel another day. I am really getting tired of the highs and lows. Good thing I don't have my son this week, it's been a particularly difficult one.

 

Yeah. Up and down is pretty par for the course. I try to limit my family outings to 2 hours max. Beyond that things start to get a little hairy when the OM was still in the picture with my STBXW.

[Tripz]

I've scrapped this idea. Amazing that after 90 days since this hell began, I'm still not thinking clearly. But, the past couple days a fog is slowly lifting and I'm finally growing some righteous anger. I don't want to be anywhere near my wife unless absolutely necessary. My son will be just fine the things are.