engaged: by 10pm he was asleep, by 10:30 I was crying

[konphusedANDinluv3]

My luv proposed to me on new years eve. Romantic...right? Well....................We've been together 7+ years and during that time we have always known we were going to get married and had talked about it (love at first sight, never believed in it till I met him). He's even stated numerous times during those 7 years that he knew exactly how he was going to propose to me (and women never forget things like that). I've also stated to him several times that I don't need a ring or even a slip of paper (marriage licence) stating that our love is official to know that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him (if you're going to, you're going to, no matter who says it is official). I'd rather he saved the money.

 

So when New Years Eve rolled around and we had planned to have a quite evening together (which was perfectly fine with me because we are both trying to save up for a house), I wasn't quite prepared for him to give me a jewlery box in his hair covered car (we have a beagle) and say , as I was opening it, "it's what you think it is, marry me?" That would have been o.k. if the rest of the evening had been a little more meaningful or even a little more fun than any other weekend we've had.

 

After the 'shock and awe' proposal he took me to a chain restaurant, then we went home, where I had hoped we could go out and use the telescope he had gotten me a year before, but by 10pm he was asleep and by 10:30 I was crying my eyes out. To top it all off I don't even like the ring he picked out (plus I've seen 4 women with the same exact one since then). I thought that after wearing it for a few days I would come to love it as much as I love him, but I don't. I don't even remember to wear it, and I'm afraid it is because it doesn't feel special. I don't feel any different than the day before. It's like when someone asks you on your birthday, "How does it feel to be a year older?" It's very pretty, it's just not me.

 

I thought that after all this time he would know me better, like I don't want anything to fancy or flashy and I ESPESCIALLY DID NOT want an uncertified diamond. a.k.a. a conflict diamond, I really would have prefered any other gem or stone but a diamond. To me it's like vanilllia when there is the possibility of blueberry blast). I would have been happy with something he had pulled out of a Cracker Jack box or atleast something that cost half of what this did as long as the act itself had had some meaning. This is something I want to wear untill the day I die. I don't want it to be something that reminds me of how hard I cried that night. I don't want to bottle this up and have it explode during a midlife crisis.

 

How do I tell him how upset I am without making him feel like I don't love him anymore because of this? His is a great man that has been there for me thru thick and thin and I don't want to jepordize what we have, but after 7 years of him saying how special and unique we are, shouldn't our engagement reflect that too? Am I being selfish in wanting us to return this ring and instead pick out rings for both of us together? OH by the goddess! I am konphusedANDinluv![color=blue][/color]

[opaleye]

hmmm. I'm not sure. I'm sorry that such an exciting time has been dampened a bit. All I can think is that maybe since you had told him that you didn't need to be married to know that you will be together forever and that you didn't need the slip of paper maybe it made him think that it didn't mean all that much to you and so he didn't feel like he needed to put on a huge show. But since it obviously does mean a lot to you the WAY it happens as opposed to the FACT that it happened then maybe you should just talk to him. But I would really try not to offend him because you just don't know how he thinks about it all- for example he could have picked the ring that you saw on lots of women because it was popular and he might have therefore thought that there was a good chance that you would like it- he may not have considered that because it wasn't as unique as you may have liked you may not feel as special as you should. So yeah, i'd say talk to him but be careful- sorry I don't have any better advice.

[jmargel]

I don't think it's so much the ring, as it is that you feel he didn't put much thought into how he proposed, and then fell asleep. For you it was suppose to be a special time, and perhaps you think he doesn't think that way.

 

I would tell him since it's bothering you, but not in a whiney way. Instead of coming right out & saying the way he proposed sucked, I would ask him some questions. Such as 'Was there a particular way you wanted to propose to me?'. 'Did you have anything specially planned that night for us?'. And see what he reaction is. If he says 'No' to any of those, your best thing to do then is to give the silent treatment to him. He'll probably get mad and defensive after that, but after he cools off and his feelings aren't hurt anymore then he 'should' focus on you. Men have a tendency to react on emotion first, and then when we smarten up we look at what 'we' did wrong and try to fix it.

 

Personally he should have put some more thought into it. I asked my wife to marry me on my birthday, I really threw her off. I also made a poem for her, which actually rhymed (go me!) and with the last line being 'Will you marry me?'. I did it on a bridge that we both like to walk across. It was very cold out, but it was still special.

 

Hope this helps some..

[LucreziaBorgia]

I've also stated to him several times that I don't need a ring or even a slip of paper (marriage licence) stating that our love is official to know that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him (if you're going to, you're going to, no matter who says it is official). I'd rather he saved the money.

 

but after 7 years of him saying how special and unique we are, shouldn't our engagement reflect that too?

 

This sounds very conflicted to me - almost like a test or a trap. He can't read your mind.

 

He heard "all that stuff isn't that important to me, and I don't need proof of our love or commitment".

 

He doesn't hear what you are really saying: "This stuff is important to me. I do care about the ring. I do care about romantic and extravagant proposal evening. I want you to prove how much you love me and want to marry me by giving me a grand romantic proposal with a ring that reflects what you think of me - not a generic flawed diamond. Your limp proposal, lame evening, and flawed generic diamond ring show me that you think of our relationship in those terms."

 

You are going to want to be completely clear with him about what you expected from him and why.

[moimeme]

I agree with opaleye and Lucrezia. You took great pains at the beginning of your post to describe how *not* a big deal marriage is to you so why ever did you expect him to think you wanted something different after all? He might have had some big plan about having a romantic engagement, but after seven years of you saying you don't really care for all that stuff, he abandoned them and made it very simple.

 

At this point, he'll be very disappointed and unhappy to find out that you're upset with him for not doing something he had no idea you wanted him to do. As for his taste in rings, some fellows never do twig to their gals' likes and dislikes. It's male obliviousness - not malice, not lack of caring. They just don't think of that stuff the same way women do. I bet he went to a jeweller's and asked what sort of ring really impressed women and the jeweller sold him that ring - clearly it's popular so he thought he was doing a good thing.

 

If you absolutely must have him concoct a fancy engagement for you, begin by apologizing profusely for not having been honest with him about your true desires; that despite your claims that none of the trappings matter, in fact secretly you've been harbouring this dream about a magic engagement and that when he said that he had something special in mind, rather than asserting that you didn't need anything fancy, you should have showed great enthusiasm and told him you'd be very excited to get a romantic proposal from him.

 

You've sent him the wrong message and therefore, while you may feel hurt, it's not fair to do so. He did what he thought you wanted.

 

Always remember that no human can read minds - even one you've lived with for seven years.

[HokeyReligions]

I did the whole "it doesn't matter" routine too because I honestly didn't think it mattered to me. Turns out I was wrong about myself!

 

I don't remember everything about my proposal (I had a small stroke and lost some memories) but my husband has told me about it. The first time he proposed I basically told him the proposal wasn't good enough and told him to ask me again sometime. That's when we both realized that I didn't know what I wanted, but obviously wanted more than I first thought. Hey, it happens . He did propose to me again and I accepted. I wish I could remember the proposals! Sucks losing memories I *think* the first proposal was in a mall when he met me after work, or was walking me to work.

 

A lot of young women (and men) don't recognize their own dreams. The important thing is to recognize them now and talk to your guy about them. Like Moimeme said, apologize to him and be open and honest about what you would like. If he has decent self-esteem and really loves you and wants you to have what you want, he will be OK with returning the ring and selecting rings together.

 

Its never too late to improve your communication with each other.

[savethedrama4allama]

What kind of proposal did you desire?

 

Did you want him to take you up in a hot air balloon? Have it displayed on the scoreboard at a sporting event? Have a banner pulled by an airplane? At a fancy restaurant over dinner?

 

I think that contemplating the difference between your expectations/desires and the reality of the event can be valuable.

 

The bottom line is this: if your relationship with this man is special and unique as you say, your engagment will be equally special and unique. Its not about exactly how he popped the question. If you love each other as much as you say you do, its in your best interest to focus on what you do have in him, rather than what you don't have (a clever proposal story.)

[tiki]

konphusedANDinluv3, I think you need to step out of the box, re-read what you typed and try to figure out what you're upset about. Look at it from an outsider.

 

I truly don't understand what you're griping about? Really?

 

Does the proposal matter THAT much? Or maybe is it the relationship that's supposed to matter so much?

 

Please, re-evaluate what's going on in your head, at least for sanity's sake.

[Stone]

I know how you feel my proposal STUNK bad and my ex feel asleep directly after propsoing as well, I stayed up crying and adventually talked about it he told me that propsing was so stressful for him and he was waiting for the right time all night ect. and stressed about it that once it was over he needed a nap.. I thought that was funny... maby your guy felt the same way

[mymojo]

After 7 yrs you expected him to do the Prince Charming thing? why ?

 

And how much effort have you put into making the post engagement period special ? What did you go out and buy him as

a token of your eternal love? What plans have you made and paid for to show him how special he is to you?