In love with another man

[TwoWaters]

Just go and do what you want. Break your husband's heart and destroy your family. You won't be happy until you do. I'm not sure what you're doing on this site, but if you're looking for a sympathetic ear, you're NOT going to find it here. Go on. I'm sure your POSOM is waiting for you.

 

I understand there are a lot of people on this site who have been hurt. I don't want to hurt my husband, but lately things have been so tense between us I just feel like it's going to fall apart. We've been fighting more, when we didn't in the past. He's either too particular about things, managing my time, or he's too relaxed when I want him to take charge. Overall, he's a good person, I don't want to say he's a monster because he's not. But he makes me feel a bit like a prisoner. I want to spend more time on my art, I feel like I need that for myself. He's content to just do family stuff. I told him to make some friends, get something going for himself.

 

I know it sounds harsh. But I do adore my husband. He can be very loving, kind, wise, he makes me laugh, and do have a lot in common. We were working on a project together but he doesn't seem to want to make time for it. I know he's working hard, too, .. we both are.. but I'm supporting us more and that's been grating on my nerves. I was deeply in love with him when we first met, I still love him, he may not be meeting all my expectations but I do love him. There's just this mix of our recurring issues plus.. well, the other man. I know it sounds hokey, but I feel like I met him for a reason. That's why I used the name TwoWaters. It's related to a project I am doing, but it's also as if I am choosing between two waters to sail on.

[MuddyFootprints]

Why does everyone assume my friend is a "player"? I haven't even heard that term in a long time.

 

He's a good man, you don't know him. He tried to work things out with his wife. I think he met me and has realized what is missing. I sort of feel the same way.

 

I can't go up to my husband and tell him I'm having an affair. He'd be outraged. He might even be violent.

 

I admit I am not good about telling my husband what my needs are. I just feel like when I do, he doesn't "get it". I'm not direct, and that's part of the issue. But I don't want to tell him everything.. I want him to tell me, too, to ask me. The problem now is I feel a little smothered by him. He wants more family time and I just want my breathing space. I need him to start doing more things on his own and not be so dependent on me.

 

 

I recommend that you do extensive reading here (on both this forum and the other man/woman forum) and on a few other infidelity boards.

 

And when you get angry and deny what people are saying...read more. Keep reading. Follow links. Do more reading.

 

What is happening is that you are disconnecting further from your marriage and your husband does not understand why. It is natural for him to cling, and when you are more emotionally involved with someone else you are definitely going to want to push him away.

 

Communication is key. As uncomfortable and scary it may be, honesty is crucial. If you need to schedule an appointment with someone to have a safe place to put it all on the table, then do it.

 

Even if your marriage is over, and as much as you want to believe it, your happily ever after is probably not going to be with this other man.

 

I don't have to look into a crystal ball to foresee all the heartbreak that is in your future if you continue on this path.

[TwoWaters]

I'm going to dissent a bit here.

 

There's a bit of a pattern going on here.

 

You were with someone else when you started cheating WITH your husband.

 

You're not cheating ON your husband...with someone else who has ALSO cheated in the past.

 

Your husband cheated with you, and on you.

 

From my perspective, there isn't a healthy relationship anywhere in this mix. They all need to end.

 

Then you need to get some counseling on why you've cheated with your husband and on your husband, and why you're attracted to men who cheat.

 

Get your own relationship skills fixed and figured out...THEN see where things are at as far as a relationship with someone.

 

Right now...none of you are good relationship material.

 

My husband did not cheat on me when we were together. He was committed once we came together. I don't think he would cheat on me. I even told him recently that if in ten years he has a mid-life crisis and cheats on me, not to tell me. He just laughed in disbelief and said I would never cheat on you. Yeah, that made me feel low and pretty bad about myself. Some nights I can't even sleep. I'm very depressed, I don't want to hurt him.

 

I know it all sounds dysfunctional but both of these were/are long relationships. On the order of 8 or 9 years each.

 

I know I am someone who can't be alone, and to be honest I really thought my husband and I would be together for the long long haul. We were a tight family unit. There's lots of love there. I just don't know if I am feeling fulfilled in my wife, mom and work roles. I just feel like there's more to me that needs to come out, and I find myself torn between two men.

[MuddyFootprints]

This man isn't going to do it for you in the long run either. Not like this, anyway. You have to learn to fill the void another way.

[TwoWaters]

Are you using something that happened so long ago to justify what you're doing now?

 

Well, it did hurt me.

[TwoWaters]

He thinks things are overall okay because you've not spoken up about how YOU feel and why you're not happy much in your marriage anymore. Stop putting this on your husband. This isn't his fault. How he is to know how you feel inside if you don't speak up?

 

Yes, I agree. I just don't know how to do that. I don't even know what I want at this point. I should have done that before but now I am falling for the other man.

 

I took a two week break to spend just with my husband. I did things I thought he would like or that we would both like. He's also been showing me attention. But I can't stop thinking about the other man. I WANT him in a way that I just don't want my husband. I wish I didn't feel this way. I honestly do not want to feel this way. I wish I had never met the other man, it's sort of like a Pandora's box.

 

I never wanted to have another affair. I thought I had put that behind me. I suppose I put a lot of energy into the having two children (still both very young) but now I feel more independent or something. I know some other moms wrestle with this.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Hmm.. I had not thought about the part of him seeing me more as the mother than a lover. In a way, I guess I see him more as the father than a lover, too. He is a good lover, but my head is not in it so much anymore. I know he has noticed me freezing up a bit, and I just told him I am depressed and tired from work. He's supportive of me, which makes me feel worse inside.

 

Yes, there is that understanding between my friend and I. But also, my husband had a couple of liaisons when I was considering breaking up with my boyfriend, and it really hurt me. He hid that from me, and said it was just because he had needs and he didn't know if I was leaving for him or what. We're from different areas of the country so it was complicated, but in a way I thought he was saving himself for me.

 

I'm no angel, but when I love I do give a lot. I'm just not courageous when things are not going well for me. I've loved two men in my life and now there is a third who may be "the one".

 

 

How do you get hurt by your then AP now H seeing other people when you yourself have a BF? Were you offering commitment? Why do you feel that he should be held to a standard you didn't hold yourself to?

 

How do you think someone should respond to a spouse who does not communicate their feelings? How do you think someone would respond to a spouse who asks to work on the relationship with no clear idea of what the other spouse thinks is lacking? Would spending more family time might be something that they would do? What if the complaining spouse then complains about the family time? Do you think that is sending mixed messages and setting the other spouse up for failure?

 

I find it interesting, that you state your husband is a good father yet think OM would be a great father as well....and he is childless. What do you base that on?

 

Do you notice a partner pattern in yourself? Do you see a pattern in the OM? Do you think it is okay to start a relationship when you are already in a committed one? Do you believe "because I love the new OM" is a good enough reason to hurt your current partner?

 

Do you really think it is good to have a mother who follows her own heart? Or is it better to have a mother who thinks of her children's well being FIRST?

 

These are just a few of the questions that you need to ask yourself. You are going to have to live with your choices for the rest of your life....it might be prudent to ask more than one or two of yourself.

[TwoWaters]

I'm going to dissent a bit here.

 

Then you need to get some counseling on why you've cheated with your husband and on your husband, and why you're attracted to men who cheat.

 

Get your own relationship skills fixed and figured out...THEN see where things are at as far as a relationship with someone.

 

Right now...none of you are good relationship material.

 

I can't be alone. I haven't been alone I lived at home, and that was a long time ago. My parents divorced because of infidelity, and it was hard on my mom, and I know I have some issues there.

 

My husband is a good man. He's never cheated on anyone else before, and I guess I understand why he did what he did. I wasn't sure at the time if I wanted to separate from my boyfriend, and my husband had reservations about being together with someone who was involved.

 

I get hit on by men a lot. I know when a guy is making a target "pass" at me. The man I have become involved with is different. He's very supportive, he's giving, he's fun to be with, very natural. I guess sort of how my husband used to make me feel.

[mrs rubble]

Listen to the wise Owl above, and all the other posters who've tried to warn you of the rocky path you've chosen to embark on.

 

Cheaters are gutless, spineless, selfish people. Don't dare try telling us that you're not confessing to this affair because you don't want to "hurt your husband"- You already have by choosing to have the affair, by lying to him about it and by trying to blame him for it!

 

I've watched friends and workmates go through the fallout.

 

One workmate (I have no respect for anymore) has had to deal with her teenager attempting suicide because his POS mother wrecked their family by screwing around.

 

Think beyond your own sexual gratification for 5 mins and sort this mess out, before it all comes down on you like a pile of bricks!!!

[stillafool]

Why does everyone assume my friend is a "player"? I haven't even heard that term in a long time.

 

He's a good man, you don't know him. He tried to work things out with his wife. I think he met me and has realized what is missing. I sort of feel the same way.

 

I can't go up to my husband and tell him I'm having an affair. He'd be outraged. He might even be violent.

 

I admit I am not good about telling my husband what my needs are. I just feel like when I do, he doesn't "get it". I'm not direct, and that's part of the issue. But I don't want to tell him everything.. I want him to tell me, too, to ask me. The problem now is I feel a little smothered by him. He wants more family time and I just want my breathing space. I need him to start doing more things on his own and not be so dependent on me.

 

You want your husband to back away and be more independent so you will have time to think and respond to the OM.

 

Okay we have heard how you feel about your husband, marriage and this OM. What are you planning to do and what do you want? Are you and this man planning to leave your spouses for each other?

[TobyBoy]

I'm pretty sure you'll get what you want soon enough. You've raised enough redflags for your husband to investigate your faithfulness. Hell, he might know already and is just waiting on you to do more damage so he can use it in court!!

 

We men are not as clueless as you think! Good luck....your going to need it!!

[whichwayisup]

Well, it did hurt me.

 

I'm sure it did but years later it shouldn't be such an issue, enough that it seems it's part of why you're doing what you're doing now.

 

Yes, I agree. I just don't know how to do that. I don't even know what I want at this point. I should have done that before but now I am falling for the other man.

 

What's done is done but you DO have the power to stop it... IF you really want to. You've made things much more complicated and harder by cheating.

 

I took a two week break to spend just with my husband. I did things I thought he would like or that we would both like. He's also been showing me attention. But I can't stop thinking about the other man. I WANT him in a way that I just don't want my husband. I wish I didn't feel this way. I honestly do not want to feel this way. I wish I had never met the other man, it's sort of like a Pandora's box.

 

End it. I'll hurt you but as time goes on and with the help of therapy, you can work through the pain of losing your MM. This is a no win situation, and to continue on because you just love the MM isn't right nor fair to your husband and kids. I'm sure if you could have a do-over, you'd choose completely differently - But that is impossible. What IS possible is you taking control, doing counseling again to help you get strong enough so you can make some major decisions in your life. Work on yourself, stop being so afraid of being alone.

 

I never wanted to have another affair. I thought I had put that behind me. I suppose I put a lot of energy into the having two children (still both very young) but now I feel more independent or something. I know some other moms wrestle with this.

 

You have a lot to lose, so be wise and please do counseling to fix this.

 

I can't be alone. I haven't been alone I lived at home, and that was a long time ago. My parents divorced because of infidelity, and it was hard on my mom, and I know I have some issues there.

Counseling. And wanting to become someone who won't cheat again. Being broken and making bad choices that will now affect your kids, your family unit is a pattern being repeated. You can break it by (again) working hard on fixing yourself and repairing your marriage with your husband. Or if it ends in divorce, learn to co parent together as mom and dad in a healthy way.

My husband is a good man. He's never cheated on anyone else before, and I guess I understand why he did what he did. I wasn't sure at the time if I wanted to separate from my boyfriend, and my husband had reservations about being together with someone who was involved.

Maybe you do need to be on your own with NO man to rely on? Just a thought.

 

I get hit on by men a lot. I know when a guy is making a target "pass" at me. The man I have become involved with is different. He's very supportive, he's giving, he's fun to be with, very natural. I guess sort of how my husband used to make me feel.

 

Again, this is stuff broken inside of you to want to reach out to other guys to fill in gaps and holes within yourself. You disconnected from your H and relied on other guys aka now the MM to make you feel complete.

 

This is painful situation for you all, I hope soon you find peace and some insightful answers to help you work through this.

[MuddyFootprints]

Well, it did hurt me.

 

You need to prepare yourself for a whole new world of hurt.

[TwoWaters]

You want your husband to back away and be more independent so you will have time to think and respond to the OM.

 

Okay we have heard how you feel about your husband, marriage and this OM. What are you planning to do and what do you want? Are you and this man planning to leave your spouses for each other?

 

 

Yes, we've talked about it. We share similar dreams, styles, tastes, interests. We're very very compatible.. maybe it's a case of "right person, wrong time".

 

I don't know what a happy ending would look like. I would like to remain friends with my husband. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes I even imagine our kids playing together with children I may have with the "OM" and the children my husband could have with another woman that he deserves. I think he deserves better than me. A wife who could love him and be faithful.

[TwoWaters]

I'm pretty sure you'll get what you want soon enough. You've raised enough redflags for your husband to investigate your faithfulness. Hell, he might know already and is just waiting on you to do more damage so he can use it in court!!

 

We men are not as clueless as you think! Good luck....your going to need it!!

 

He doesn't know.

 

I'm not saying he is a clueless person. He just thinks I am depressed. He even tracks my periods (good grief) because he thinks my mood swings are due to this.

 

My husband trusts me. In a way I wish he was more jealous.. I even asked him once, "Why aren't you more jealous?". He just laughed and gave me a quizzical look and asked "Well, what do I need to be jealous about?". Sometimes I wish he would ask more questions.

[TwoWaters]

I am listening. I am receiving.

 

But who wants to be alone? No one really wants to be alone.

 

Most people are not alone because of choice.

 

It's depressing to be alone.

[mrs rubble]

Yes, we've talked about it. We share similar dreams, styles, tastes, interests. We're very very compatible.. maybe it's a case of "right person, wrong time".

 

I don't know what a happy ending would look like. I would like to remain friends with my husband. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes I even imagine our kids playing together with children I may have with the "OM" and the children my husband could have with another woman that he deserves. I think he deserves better than me. A wife who could love him and be faithful.

No it sounds absolutely ridiculous, you really think your kids are going to be ok with this??? I think they'll be hurt, broken and traumatised all because their mother is selfish, dishonest and immoral.

[MuddyFootprints]

Everything seems clear and easy when you are viewing the blue skies above the cloud line.

 

It's a completely different view once you've grounded.

[not-so-sure]

Yes, we've talked about it. We share similar dreams, styles, tastes, interests. We're very very compatible.. maybe it's a case of "right person, wrong time".

 

I don't know what a happy ending would look like. I would like to remain friends with my husband. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes I even imagine our kids playing together with children I may have with the "OM" and the children my husband could have with another woman that he deserves. I think he deserves better than me. A wife who could love him and be faithful.

 

Heh. These are the thoughts I had when my affair ended. Now I'm somewhat back to earth, post confession, and life is slowly getting better in my marriage.

 

Now, I realise, despite the things we had in common, cheating and selfishness among them, the AP was not the right person at the wrong time. She was the wrong person at the right time. I saw a reflection of myself in her and I didn't like what I saw. It was all take, take, take, me, me, me, except for when we were mucking around with each other behind people's backs.

[bestplayer]

You need to prepare yourself for a whole new world of hurt.

 

Yes because Op is a troll . She/He is saying exactly what she knows will stir up this forum & lot of them did take the bait .

[mrs rubble]

I am listening. I am receiving.

 

But who wants to be alone? No one really wants to be alone.

 

Most people are not alone because of choice.

 

It's depressing to be alone.

Sometimes you need to be alone to learn who the real you is.

I know I did.

[MuddyFootprints]

Yes because Op is a troll . She/He is saying exactly what she knows will stir up this forum & lot of them did take the bait .

 

If that is true or not, hopefully someone benefits from the discussion at some point.

[TwoWaters]

Sometimes you need to be alone to learn who the real you is.

I know I did.

 

I don't think that would help me and it would almost be even more selfish because I would be hurting both men, not just one.

[TwoWaters]

Yes because Op is a troll . She/He is saying exactly what she knows will stir up this forum & lot of them did take the bait .

 

I'm not a mean person. I knew that I would get some flak but I'm not afraid of getting criticized. I've beat myself up enough over this so sorry if I was defensive. Some of these things are hard to hear.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

My husband is a good man, smart, principled, charming, fun, humorous, attentive in bed, but he has disappointed me a lot over the past year. And I just don't desire him like I used to. We're only intimate once or twice a week, but I know that has a lot do with us raising young children. We're very good as parents together, though I feel like I'm pulling the weight there sometimes.

 

I just feel like my husband gets on my case, he's not handy enough, he's not as motivated as I am. He's an amazing dad and our children adore him.

 

He's not handy enough? As one of the reasons you're cheating? Really?

 

What is it, he was handy when you met him and when you married him, but now he's changed and he's not handy enough anymore?

 

He "is a good man, smart, principled, charming, fun, humorous, attentive in bed" and "He's an amazing dad and our children adore him," but he's not handy enough?

 

Sorry, but that struck me as a really, really strange statement to throw in with all of the other stuff.

 

How else has he disappointed you?

 

And have you ever just considered being honest with him? Are you lying to him, cheating on him, and keeping the affair from him for his own good?

 

Do you want to know what the most hurtful thing was? It wasn't the cheating, it was the lying and the deceit.

 

My only advice: Just tell him the truth.