In love with another man

[JohnReagan10]

Here,

 

Let me quote you.

 

"I don't want to be in a "grind" my whole marriage. I want someone who just lets me be myself, without me fearing how he's going to react to everything."

If that is the truth, stop wasting your time and his, and go get what you think you "deserve".

 

As stated before, He'll get over you. People do it all the time all over the world. We hurt, we deal with it, we move on. Period end of story. So stop with your moral justifications that are colored by confirmation bias, and just move on.

[TwoWaters]

I just don't want to make a hasty decision. It's a lot of pressure. I almost feel as if timing is everything. And the time doesn't seem "right" yet.

[harrybrown]

You should make the decision before going on this few days trip with the OM.

 

What were you thinking by even thinking about going on this trip with the OM, while you are still married?

 

Were you going to leave your kids for the OM? Who will watch your kids, your H? You would do that to him? Stab in the eye with a knife instead, it would do less damage.

 

So make up your mind before the trip. You can have it your way. Tell your OM that you told his wife, your husband and your kids that you two are running away together. Your OM will really like that you helped everyone out.

 

You will have fixed the problem and you will be with the OM. That is what you want? So tell now before the trip.

[janedoe67]

See, I could see my husband becoming like you and saying something like this to me.

 

My AP? Never.

 

Why are men so brutal? I am SORRY if someone hurt you in your life, but it wasn't me. You don't know me or know my story. I have given a lot of love and patience to my husband. And he just wants to coast in this relationship. I don't want to be in a "grind" my whole marriage. I want someone who just lets me be myself, without me fearing how he's going to react to everything. Maybe YOU are in the position you are in because you took your wife for granted. Men and women aren't the same, you know. I don't see women coming on here and crucifying me. They at least have some empathy. Maybe I don't have as much "character" as you but I was never trying to be Mother Theresa or anything.

 

...

 

I'm sorry, but you were kind of harsh. It's not helpful.

 

I understand EXACTLY why you feel this way, but consider this....

 

What kind of person is really a friend, what kind of parent really cares, what kind of loved one really cares about YOUR well-being?

 

One that will tell it like it is, call you out when you are destroying yourself and your life, push you to be the best you can be and urge to avoid lessening yourself...

 

Or one who "lets you be yourself" by cheering you own while you destroy your character, your family, and toss aside you conscience?

 

I hated comments like the one you called harsh when I was wayward because I didn't want to hear the truth. I wanted to hear that heart and flowers could abound within my bad choices.

 

They can't.

 

The most loving thing is the truth, even when the truth is painful.

[MuddyFootprints]

Cold feet or you still believe you are in control of the timing.

 

Today you may have the control. Tomorrow you might not. Eventually, you will not.

 

Don't try to manipulate this situation even more. It is going to bite you in the ass. Hard.

[A.Moscote]

Yes you shouldn't be hasty, but remember that you've been in this A life for a while now. Please don't prolong it and let it shuts off all the good chances that you have.

 

Since you said timing is very important, then you should work on it, not just wait for it. Plan on how you want to disclose the truth and run every hypothetical reactions in your head. Build up your courage and don't let your fears go all the way cluttering your mind.

 

Both men seems okay to me (from what can be gathered from your posts), so toss a coin, make a decision, even roughly for now. As long as it's based on the truth, you'll be on the right starting block either way.

[CarrieT]

I just don't want to make a hasty decision. It's a lot of pressure. I almost feel as if timing is everything. And the time doesn't seem "right" yet.

 

Of course it doesn't feel "right." It never will. There will always be excuses for not doing it because you are comfortable in your complacency.

 

There is no "hasty decision" to be made. You know what has to be done the question is: Why aren't you doing it?

 

A lot of pressure? Sheesh... Time to put on your Big Girl Pants and do what you know is right. That is why you are sick to your stomach; you are coming out of Affair Fog and realizing just what a horrible thing you've been doing to your husband.

 

That whole line you fed us about the spiritual connection? Piffle. A ton of us have been there and you know what? It doesn't last! It is Affair Fog and you have a rude awakening when/if you have your Affair Partner 100% of the time. Reality will set in and you'll probably regret what you have done to your husband.

[stillafool]

See, I could see my husband becoming like you and saying something like this to me.

 

My AP? Never.

 

Why are men so brutal? I am SORRY if someone hurt you in your life, but it wasn't me. You don't know me or know my story. I have given a lot of love and patience to my husband. And he just wants to coast in this relationship. I don't want to be in a "grind" my whole marriage. I want someone who just lets me be myself, without me fearing how he's going to react to everything. Maybe YOU are in the position you are in because you took your wife for granted. Men and women aren't the same, you know. I don't see women coming on here and crucifying me. They at least have some empathy. Maybe I don't have as much "character" as you but I was never trying to be Mother Theresa or anything.

 

...

 

I'm sorry, but you were kind of harsh. It's not helpful.

 

All he has done is told you the truth. Women here are just as hard on cheaters as the men. It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman. You being a woman doesn't make you any less of a selfish cheater than it would a man. Your husband will be hurt but he will get over it and someday be thankful that he found out who he was really married to. He will heal and move on to someone better. Stop being a coward and confess to him what you are doing. Since OM has no kids it should be a breeze for him to leave his wife and be with you. Go to him because you two need to be together. BTW, I am a Libra too but would never treat my husband the way you do yours.

[stillafool]

I just don't want to make a hasty decision. It's a lot of pressure. I almost feel as if timing is everything. And the time doesn't seem "right" yet.

 

Yet, the timing seems right to go away with the OM and leave your husband and kids behind so you can screw around. No, you are a coward and that's why the timing doesn't seem right. You are a real piece of work.

[JohnReagan10]

TwoWaters,

 

Do you have any idea how cold blooded it is to go away on a "trip", offer an excuse, and leave your husband to watch your kids?

 

I think we all deserve to know what kind of individual does something like that. Seriously? You don't realize just how messed up that is?

[Friskyone4u]

Two Waters

You are taking a lot of abuse on this forum, not without some merit. You may be confused, but you are asking for advice and opinions on an infidelity forum where there are a lot of people with very strong feelings about what you are doing. Many were victims if this exact behavior you are asking about. You cannot expect too much appreciation of your self induced predicament. You can keep asking for understanding but there will be none. If you are starting to feel sick and slutty as your respond to me said. I suggest you cancel your plans to go away with AP, stop dropping your pants for him, and face the music. But understand it is going to be a bumpy ride no matter what you do

[peruano99]

If you love the OM, then tell your husband and make your decision.

[peruano99]

See, I could see my husband becoming like you and saying something like this to me.

 

My AP? Never.

 

Why are men so brutal? I am SORRY if someone hurt you in your life, but it wasn't me. You don't know me or know my story. I have given a lot of love and patience to my husband. And he just wants to coast in this relationship. I don't want to be in a "grind" my whole marriage. I want someone who just lets me be myself, without me fearing how he's going to react to everything. Maybe YOU are in the position you are in because you took your wife for granted. Men and women aren't the same, you know. I don't see women coming on here and crucifying me. They at least have some empathy. Maybe I don't have as much "character" as you but I was never trying to be Mother Theresa or anything.

 

...

 

I'm sorry, but you were kind of harsh. It's not helpful.

 

Okay you love and care about the OM more than your husband, do him a favor and let him go. After that you can live your life with the OM however you'd like.

[semicharmedlife]

To the OP...what a fool you are...mark my words...you WILL be sorry...

[TwoWaters]

Thank you Seaview for your post. That was helpful.

 

To the others... I am a serial cheater, I can see that. And impulsive. And a bit of a coward. You're right.

 

I've been getting so much out of this affair I have lost my grip. And I have done things I don't want anyone to find out if the affair comes to light. I have been to my AP's house .. in their bed. And he has been to my apartment .. in our bed. This was recent. My husband will flip out if he finds out, and I don't blame him. I just don't want him to explode in front of the children; they shouldn't see that. He may even go after the AP, and that concerns me too. So yes, I am afraid of all these consequences.

[A.Moscote]

It's okay to be worried about all that consequences, indeed it shows that you have hope that this situation settles in a good way, it's not like you don't care at all for others.

 

But don't let the worries and fears halt your move, because right now you still have the chance to work and walk on either way. But this time frame is not forever. Anything can happen. Your R with the AP may become too strenuous, or mundane and unsatisfying. Your H may discover the affair himself and catch you off guard.

 

Plan and prepare on how you want to disclose this. Find a time alone with your H, but not in bed, not in a moment of weakness and without your kids around. Then tell him your situation briefly and politely. You can do this.

 

Spare the whole truth into the next time, few days or a week after. In fact you can use the truth as the bargaining chip. Tell him that you're ready to tell all if he promise not to retaliate towards the children and others.

 

Again, the truth is always the right starting block for either way.

Ignore the personal jibes, sometimes we get too carried away.

Be brave and good luck.

[experiencethedevine]

Thank you Seaview for your post. That was helpful.

 

To the others... I am a serial cheater, I can see that. And impulsive. And a bit of a coward. You're right.

 

I've been getting so much out of this affair I have lost my grip. And I have done things I don't want anyone to find out if the affair comes to light. I have been to my AP's house .. in their bed. And he has been to my apartment .. in our bed. This was recent. My husband will flip out if he finds out, and I don't blame him. I just don't want him to explode in front of the children; they shouldn't see that. He may even go after the AP, and that concerns me too. So yes, I am afraid of all these consequences.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When the proverbial really does hit the fan, and it will, quite soon I would say, THIS is what will make the betrayed spouse vomit violently.

 

 

The ultimate disrespect .............................

[gettingstronger]

When the proverbial really does hit the fan, and it will, quite soon I would say, THIS is what will make the betrayed spouse vomit violently.

 

 

Not only will the betrayed vomit, but the OP as well. As I have stated, my husband has had quite a few vomits as he comes to grips with who he was and what he did- I think that knowing what you are doing is wrong while still doing it, is completely different than actually facing up to it after the fact- I think in a way you acknowledge its wrong but never full understand its impact until you come face to face-

OP you are in really deep-now is the time for action-I doubt you will do anything until you are caught because my husband had people he respected find out about the A before I did and tried to tell him what was coming but he ignored them-its part of the fog you read so much about-but none the less I would be remiss if I did not warn you-its going to be so much worse than you could ever imagine-

You feel badly about the beating you are taking on here- from strangers- imagine what its going to be like in real life-brutal does not even begin to describe it- do something now- and good luck-

[stillafool]

Thank you Seaview for your post. That was helpful.

 

To the others... I am a serial cheater, I can see that. And impulsive. And a bit of a coward. You're right.

 

I've been getting so much out of this affair I have lost my grip. And I have done things I don't want anyone to find out if the affair comes to light. I have been to my AP's house .. in their bed. And he has been to my apartment .. in our bed. This was recent. My husband will flip out if he finds out, and I don't blame him. I just don't want him to explode in front of the children; they shouldn't see that. He may even go after the AP, and that concerns me too. So yes, I am afraid of all these consequences.

 

I hope the kids weren't around to witness this. It really does take a special type of person to have sex in another spouses bed and you two can do it without one ounce of guilt. You two really do belong together. Please tell your spouses, suffer the pain and move on with each other. If you confess now it will be bad but not nearly as bad as if you are caught. Someone could end up dead if you get caught.

[BHsigh]

Thank you Seaview for your post. That was helpful.

 

To the others... I am a serial cheater, I can see that. And impulsive. And a bit of a coward. You're right.

 

I've been getting so much out of this affair I have lost my grip. And I have done things I don't want anyone to find out if the affair comes to light. I have been to my AP's house .. in their bed. And he has been to my apartment .. in our bed. This was recent. My husband will flip out if he finds out, and I don't blame him. I just don't want him to explode in front of the children; they shouldn't see that. He may even go after the AP, and that concerns me too. So yes, I am afraid of all these consequences.

 

Are you afraid of these consequences for anyone other than you and your POSOM?You're not protecting anyone but yourself and POSOM by continuing to hide the affair.

 

OP, you seriously need to be alone for awhile and learn to be happy with yourself. You will never be happy in a relationship if you're not happy with yourself first.

 

It may be the hardest option, to disclose the affair, divorce your husband and then drop POSOM, but the best path is often the hardest. I'm not telling you that you need to be alone forever, not by at all, but you are an admitted serial cheater, you're not ready for any relationship.

[Steadfast]

A heaping of drama here, as expected. If you're lucky the drama will fade, only leaving you with the reality of poor choices and shortsightedness. You and your affair are not the exception. Again, the blind are leading the blind.

 

Domestic violence is the most common type, infidelity and the backlash being the most common motivation. Should you worry? Yes. I'd suggest making plans to tell your husband in the company of trusted, level-headed family members or friends; those who can thwart reactions and prevent the kind of vengeful plans and ideas your husband will no doubt entertain.

 

Your husband must be reminded that he can make a bad situation worse. Your children already face the loss of their family unit, don't add to the burden by taking their father away. He must be protected from himself until his mind is clear and his reasoning returns.

 

You will see the seriousness of your actions very soon OP. Pray they do not get out of hand. Innocent lives have been lost for less. Do you hear?

 

I pray that strong, loving people come to the aid of your family.

[experiencethedevine]

Three to four million women in the United States are beaten in their homes each year by their husbands, ex-husbands, or male lovers. ("Women and Violence," Hearings before the U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee, August 29 and December 11, 1990, Senate Hearing 101-939, pt. 1, p. 12.)

 

One woman is beaten by her husband or partner every 15 seconds in the United States. (Uniform Crime Reports, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1991).

 

85% of domestic violence victims are women. (Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003)

 

25% - 45% of all women who are battered are battered during pregnancy.

 

Nearly 7.8 million women have been raped by an intimate partner at some point in their lives. (Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States. 2003. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Centers for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA.)

 

Domestic violence does not end immediately with separation. Over 70% of the women injured in domestic violence cases are injured after separation.

No where, but no where do we see in those facts anything about infidelity being the MOTIVATION to domestic violoence. Please show some respect for one of the most important and tragic social problems women will face in their lives and make your arguments valid based on the facts, not inventions just to make your opinion seem stronger than it is.

 

That domestic violence could occur on disclosure is surely a possibility, but what you claim goes way too far.

 

 

 

 

It would be highly unlikely, although a possibility none the less that violence would occur in the poster's situation, as you suggest seaviews.

 

 

I have two women's refuges that are a daily reminder of the capacity human beings have to seriously harm one another, be it physically, psychologically. Usually both.

[Steadfast]

That domestic violence could occur on disclosure is surely a possibility, but what you claim goes way too far.

 

You assume much, but clarify little. This makes your rambling irrelevant. For example, when was violence against women singled out as a topic?

 

A quick conversation with any local police officer is better quality research. I trust those findings much more than any government/university study.

[SugarHibiscus]

You assume much, but clarify little. This makes your rambling irrelevant. For example, when was violence against women singled out as a topic?

 

A quick conversation with any local police officer is better quality research. I trust those findings much more than any government/university study.

 

Clarity? You're looking for clarity? Let me try to break it down for you...

 

Yes, it is a possibility that her husband could lash out physically. Maybe he would punch a wall instead of her? Maybe he would cry? Who knows. Maybe the Cubs will win the World Series.

 

One thing is for sure. There is no MOTIVATION that excuses domestic violence. I'm not saying that you are excusing it. Just pointing it out.

 

I don't think that "any police officer" would tell you that most domestic disturbances/abuse is motivated by infidelity. Relationships are more complex than that. What about money problems, alcohol, etc.? I think that you would have a stronger argument if you said that the "motivation" behind the majority of domestic abuse is Jack Daniels. KWIM?

 

The government/university studies are a compilation of police reports. In away they asked EVERY police officer and reported the data. Fact.

[Leelou]

I'm not ready yet to say anything. I don't know what I want and that's why I am here. My friend wants to take me away on a trip for a couple of days, so I feel it getting more and more serious. I don't know what is real at this point and what's not. I'm just "in it".

 

So... you are not ready to say anything yet. Because if you DO, then you will have to 'give up' something. And you don't want to give up anything, do you?

Well -- not until you 'don't want it anymore...!'... so yes, your plan, I guess, is to carry on not liking your husband, secretly judging him every day when he does not have a CLUE that he is competing with some mystery man for his own wife and children's lives! Your husband will be silently judged by you on a daily basis, and be found Lacking, until you no longer love him... and THEN -- Yes, Then you will 'be ready' to TELL him, and dump him and run off with your lover. Right?

 

First off... how do you know your lover will want you forever? You don't, right? He's happy stringing you along and having you think he's Mr. Wonderful, while his poor wife puts up with all his bad habits at home. You are keeping him happy and fulfilled - for now... but I highly highly doubt he wants to dump his wife for you.

 

And you -- with your family's history... your Mom divorced your Dad because of his infidelity? Well, I am sure you looked at that and swore that YOU would never be 'weak' like your Mom and be in HER position, right? No, not you -- if anyone was going to be the one having infidelities, it would be YOU... right? Control, much?

 

Swinging from one relationship to another - always leaving your loved one in the Dark and switching them out for a new love. You get bored much?

 

Do your husband a favor and tell him NOW about the TRUTH of his marriage... don't wait two years until your heart has turned cold to him, to tell him THEN -- when it's convenient for you! Tell him now! Let him deal with this.

 

Why should YOU be the one in control? The one playing with a full deck of cards, and everything in your favor? What is so special about you that YOU get to cheat and know the truth, and hold men to a high standard and switch them out when you wish?

 

Tell him. Tell him.

If you don't, you not only don't know about your love with the mm, but you want to use your husband, and will not accord him the respect to tell him the reality of HIS OWN LIFE!!!!!