Steadfast Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 I don't think that "any police officer" would tell you that most domestic disturbances/abuse is motivated by infidelity. Relationships are more complex than that. What about money problems, alcohol, etc.? Yes, of course you're right. It is I who needs to clarify. Infidelity and the backlash are the motivation behind most lethal (or attempted) crimes involving married couples...and the people entering that small circle. It isn't commonplace, yet it is unpredictable and happens with shocking regularity. I was in error not making that point. I happen to be in a position that allows me knowledge of these things, by virtue of professional and personal relationships. The most common crime is theft. The government/university studies are a compilation of police reports. In away they asked EVERY police officer and reported the data. Fact. Dream on. I'd wager they're a compilation of budget reports. Link to post Share on other sites
Trep Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 Why are you talking about domestic violence anyway? I don't believe the OP has said anywhere that her husband has physically assaulted her in anyway (If I missed it, my mistake and I apologise), seems to be getting a little off topic. Anyways, to the OP, you've been told repeatedly on here by people who have gone through the exact same situation you're going though how this is going to turn out and what you should do to try solve your problem. The only question that's left is if you're going to listen to them or keep living your deluded fantasy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 Go see a professional psychologist who can help you OP is all I can say regarding your situation... Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 No one has justified abuse. All steadfast said was that there are times when people react violently to finding out about infidelity. Steadfast did not excuse it; just stated a fact. And yes, the OP has not expressed any fear of abuse, so it isn't the time for an after-school special. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 Yes, agreed. Back on topic This is the statement I directed my original post to: My husband will flip out if he finds out, and I don't blame him. I just don't want him to explode in front of the children; they shouldn't see that. He may even go after the AP, and that concerns me too. So yes, I am afraid of all these consequences. Did she mention fearing him directly if discovered? Did I? The problem here is people automatically assume 'domestic violence' means men attacking women. Typical, short-sided, liberal thinking. There's more than just a husband and wife here, there's another married couple involved too. Please forgive this hijack OP. We're here to comment on your problems and issues, not argue among ourselves. That was my original intent. Link to post Share on other sites
Timmos Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 Yes, agreed. Back on topic This is the statement I directed my original post to: Did she mention fearing him directly if discovered? Did I? The problem here is people automatically assume 'domestic violence' means men attacking women. Typical, short-sided, liberal thinking. There's more than just a husband and wife here, there's another married couple involved too. Please forgive this hijack OP. We're here to comment on your problems and issues, not argue among ourselves. That was my original intent. Of course this could simply be another justification of why not to disclose her activities to her husband. For all we know, he may despise violence. Then again, so do I. But I'll make an exception if I ever see the POSOM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 When things started heating up emotionally with the other man, I did see the risks. I asked my husband once to go to counseling, but he kind of brushed me off. He was working on something on the computer, and just kind of said "oh we don't need that.. we're just stressed and this is a rough patch". Then tell your husband honestly - the M is about to end - that you are attracted to another man - and that you two aren't connected within the marriage. That may help a decision to be made - or change to start happening. Be honest with your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 Yes, he must be told. My advice is to do so carefully, to protect the innocent. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 This was recent. My husband will flip out if he finds out, and I don't blame him. I just don't want him to explode in front of the children; they shouldn't see that. He may even go after the AP, and that concerns me too. So yes, I am afraid of all these consequences. It was steadfast who raised the DV issue. Would be appreciated if you read the posts, and in the order that they occur. Explode could mean yell or slam a door, and yes I read that post "in order." She has NOT alluded to a pattern of abuse or violence, so her speculation does not equal a need for DV education. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 The OP seems to have left the building. But I'm going to have my say anyway. First, the AP. Our OP has said various things about him. One is that he is still having sex with his wife. Another is that he's reluctant to move out and leave his wife. Conclusion: he's NOT going to leave his wife for the OP. Indeed, if she were to become available, he'd run for it. Second, the Husband. Our OP has said various things about him too. None of which add up to a really bad husband. His main problem seems to be that he's a husband with a family. He also seems not to be able to read her mind, especially in the area of sex. He doesn't treat the OP with the passion and ardor that the OM does. Silly man, he doesn't even realize that (according to what she's said) she likes her sex a bit more rough than her H does. Everything else about the H seems to be pure after the fact justification. Third, the OP. There's too much here. She seems to be immature, obsessed with fantasy romance, and out of touch with reality. Has she ever had a strong stomach virus when with her AP so that he's had to take care of her? I'll bet her husband has done that. Have she and her AP ever stayed up all night caring for a sick child and then wondered why they didn't feel like mind-blowing sex? And on and on and on. Conclusion: This entire situation is a bomb waiting to go off. Even if she confesses and breaks off the affair, she'll resent us for "forcing" her to do it and she'll be really disgusted with her husband who wouldn't insist she do the romantic feeling and run off with the AP. My guess is that the AP remains married to his present wife, but will continue to cheat in the future, the husband will be devastated and no matter what, will ultimately divorce his present wife. After that he will take a few years to recover, remarry, and live happily ever after. The OP will bounce from affair to affair, age and lose her looks, and end up as the night manager of her neighborhood fast food outlet. The children will stay with their father and depending on how he handles things, will have a more or less disturbed childhood. They will recover and grow to live useful lives. They will see their mother less and less as time passes and she will finally fade from their lives. I am writing as the Ghost of Affairs Past under the pseudonym of Stanley2718. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SugarHibiscus Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Yes, agreed. Back on topic This is the statement I directed my original post to: Did she mention fearing him directly if discovered? Did I? The problem here is people automatically assume 'domestic violence' means men attacking women. Typical, short-sided, liberal thinking. There's more than just a husband and wife here, there's another married couple involved too. Please forgive this hijack OP. We're here to comment on your problems and issues, not argue among ourselves. That was my original intent. Aha! I was waiting for you to play the L card. It's OK. I'm American and so are you. I can be Liberal and you can not be. How liberal of me! When it comes down to it, we're both red, white and blue! Well...red and blue anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatGirl213 Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 I just feel he's really got it together, about who he is, and that we somehow 'match'. But I love and cherish my family, and in a way I just want to want my husband more. So it's like I wish I never met this man, but I have. No, this other man doesn't have it all together. If he did, he would have already divorced his wife and let her free and not cheat on her and then use sympathy to sleep with someone else. All I want to say is that if you do end up throwing away what you have at home and be with this man, you will end up just like his wife. I hope you are having protected sex because you said he "travels" a lot and who knows what he does while he travels. What you are feeling right now is lust. You are not getting the sex you want and you are just looking for an excuse to justify your actions. Take care, this flame might not even last that long. And he would treat you just the way he treats his wife. Who knows what he is capable of. I don't know him but this is the second time he is cheating on his wife. That says a lot about him and the kind of person he is. Think of what this can do to your future and you will have your answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 I trust the OP has gotten what they needed from this thread, if ythey would like it re-opened then alert on my post and ask, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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