In love with another man

[AlwaysGrowing]

Yes, we've talked about it. We share similar dreams, styles, tastes, interests. We're very very compatible.. maybe it's a case of "right person, wrong time".

 

I don't know what a happy ending would look like. I would like to remain friends with my husband. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes I even imagine our kids playing together with children I may have with the "OM" and the children my husband could have with another woman that he deserves. I think he deserves better than me. A wife who could love him and be faithful.

 

 

Those are nice things to have in a relationship.

 

However, how do they stack up against honesty, integrity and fidelity?

[TwoWaters]

No it sounds absolutely ridiculous, you really think your kids are going to be ok with this??? I think they'll be hurt, broken and traumatised all because their mother is selfish, dishonest and immoral.

 

I know, I shouldn't have said that. That does make me sound like a ridiculous person.

 

My parent's divorce did have an effect on me. I don't want my children to have to go through that, but in the end I turned out all right. So did my siblings. Obviously I have this flaw, but I do really care and it is tormenting for me, though I know that's offensive for people to hear. I didn't seek out either of these affairs. There are a lot of lows with the highs.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Those are nice things to have in a relationship.

 

However, how do they stack up against honesty, integrity and fidelity?

 

No offense meant to you AlwaysGrowing, I know you mean how do honesty, integrity and fidelity stack up against dreams, styles, tastes, interests, but it does occur to me that TwoWaters and the OtherMan also seem to share similar views on honesty, integrity and fidelity. So maybe they do belong together.

 

TwoWaters, if you leave your husband, how do you plan to do it? Will you tell him you met someone else, or will use another pretense, like you just grew apart, or is there some other way?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

One other piece of advice for you TwoWaters: Pick up a few books on infidelity and read the sections on things cheaters say to justify their affairs, how it will affect the kids, and some of the petty complaints (not handy enough, gets on my nerves) and contradictory statements ("I feel like a prisoner" in one post, "I wish he was more jealous, I wish he would ask more questions" in another). All of that stuff is cliche. It's really amazing how you've hit just about every one of those cliches, that's why one poster joked about this not seeming real, it's rare to see one person hit every cliche like you have.

[TwoWaters]

He's not handy enough? As one of the reasons you're cheating? Really?

 

What is it, he was handy when you met him and when you married him, but now he's changed and he's not handy enough anymore?

 

He "is a good man, smart, principled, charming, fun, humorous, attentive in bed" and "He's an amazing dad and our children adore him," but he's not handy enough?

 

Sorry, but that struck me as a really, really strange statement to throw in with all of the other stuff.

 

How else has he disappointed you?

 

And have you ever just considered being honest with him? Are you lying to him, cheating on him, and keeping the affair from him for his own good?

 

Do you want to know what the most hurtful thing was? It wasn't the cheating, it was the lying and the deceit.

 

My only advice: Just tell him the truth.

 

I don't want to talk about my husband negatively too much. He's a good man and he's very present around the house. We share chores, we're a good team. I don't know, I just hate having to ask him to do the "guy stuff". I know all couples deal with that. But I'm also doing the accounting right now, and having to work longer hours.

 

That's the thing. I'm not ready yet to say anything. I don't know what I want and that's why I am here. My friend wants to take me away on a trip for a couple of days, so I feel it getting more and more serious. I don't know what is real at this point and what's not. I'm just "in it".

[TwoWaters]

No offense meant to you AlwaysGrowing, I know you mean how do honesty, integrity and fidelity stack up against dreams, styles, tastes, interests, but it does occur to me that TwoWaters and the OtherMan also seem to share similar views on honesty, integrity and fidelity. So maybe they do belong together.

 

This is how I am starting to think. Maybe this is who I really am and I shouldn't try to be something I am not.

 

TwoWaters, if you leave your husband, how do you plan to do it? Will you tell him you met someone else, or will use another pretense, like you just grew apart, or is there some other way?

 

I would tell him the truth. He deserves that.

[Buckeye2]

Try an experiment. Tell the OM that you are divorcing your husband to be with him. See how the OM reacts.

[MuddyFootprints]

That's the thing. I'm not ready yet to say anything. I don't know what I want and that's why I am here. My friend wants to take me away on a trip for a couple of days, so I feel it getting more and more serious. I don't know what is real at this point and what's not. I'm just "in it".

 

The trip will make everything less real until the truth comes out. Don't think it won't. It will. That's when reality will strike. It won't look like anything you are imagining.

[harrybrown]

You should tell your H that you want a divorce if you go on this trip.

 

He is trying to get you to do more family things. You have pulled away and he can sense it.

 

You want him to go away. Why? The guilt with Mr. Perfect and Mr. Perfect is less of a man than your H. Your H is not having affair after affair after affair, like Mr Perfect player.

 

You will regret this mess you have created someday. This will not end well.

 

Would you be hurt if your H has an affair? And she was younger and prettier than you?

 

Mr. perfect is playing you like a fiddle. He does not love you. Mr perfect likes himself only and likes getting sex on the side.

 

Tell your H before you go on this trip.

[Furious]

I am not sure where to start. I've read a few other posts on this forum, and it kind of makes me nervous to write. I know people will attack me, and I suppose rightfully so, but I can't help what I feel. I don't even know why I am writing this. I've been to a counselor on my own to talk about my issues and she pointed out that I am in the 'power struggle' phase, and that's part of my frustration right now.

 

The thing is I am falling very hard for someone other than my husband. He's someone helping me with an art project and he's married as well. He's told me that he has not been happy in his marriage for a while. He had a two year affair several years ago but ended it at his wife's discovery and request. He hurt the other woman, but he wanted to be honorable to his wife. He scrapped his Facebook page and everything. No contact with the OW. He travels a lot for work (doing exhibits) and I suppose that has led again to the distance between he and his wife. I think he loves her but is not in love with her. That and they have not been able to conceive a child. I have to be honest, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a child with him. I think he'd be a very good dad.

 

I'm not one to judge his past affair because when I met my husband, I was with someone else. But that relationship had really run its course. We had met young and I stayed too long in it. He was a good man too but he wasn't going to be the man I spent the rest of my life with. It was a painful ending, and it hurts to think I could be doing that again.

 

My married friend and I connect in a way that I don't with my husband. My husband is a good man, smart, principled, charming, fun, humorous, attentive in bed, but he has disappointed me a lot over the past year. And I just don't desire him like I used to. We're only intimate once or twice a week, but I know that has a lot do with us raising young children. We're very good as parents together, though I feel like I'm pulling the weight there sometimes.

 

I just feel like my husband gets on my case, he's not handy enough, he's not as motivated as I am. He's an amazing dad and our children adore him, and I fear I could be sabotaging their lives and it's killing me. But I can't not be with this other man. He gives me so much. I'm just pulled into him. We'd been emailing, chatting online, meeting for coffee, and so on. I sensed it getting heavy, and thought about breaking contact off altogether, but I didn't. Or couldn't, I don't know. I know what I am doing is wrong, but I've already crossed the line. Painfully so. We've had sex several times since talking to him about what our relationship should be. Neither of us has figured that out yet.

 

I don't know where this headed and I can't really talk to anyone about it. I have one friend who had a brief affair and never told her husband. So she's the only one who can relate. My sister would never condone what I am doing, but she doesn't know what goes on behind closed doors or what it's like to live with my husband.

 

I get angry at myself. I'm a flirt and I know this started because I liked the attention But now I am in it. Is this just a fling like my friend had? It doesn't feel that way.

 

 

It's unclear as to what advice you're looking for. You seem fine with your choice to cheat and despite the red flags about your OM, are in too deep with getting the attention you crave outside of your marriage.

 

Overall, your affair is cliche and not unique. It's your choice to risk it all for attention.

 

I feel sorry for your husband and kids as you're willing to risk it all for an OM who has admitted to cheating on his wife in the past.

 

Chances are you're both too alike to ever trust each other in a real relationship if you were to end up together.

 

Be careful what you wish for.

[mr_dave]

*Loses faith in humanity*

[DasPope]

I feel so terribly sorry for your children, you are selfishly breaking up their family for an illusion.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I do hope that a lot of folks read this post, because there is a lot to learn here. The fact is your boy is a playa and he is playing you like a Stradivarius, however you are so mesmerized by this harlequin romance that you can't see it at all. If this relationship is so good, so perfect, then tell the world. Tell your husband tell his wife, tell your friends and family. What you don't want to do it because it will hurt your husband? That has already happened, he just don't know it and the longer you hide the truth you are playing him.

 

Affairs exist well in the dark recesses of life, but when they come to the light of day they tend to die pretty fast. Your boy is no bargain, as he is a proven serial cheater and if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. The relationship is a fantasy that exists only in your mind. When you add real life of raising kids, paying bills and good time Charlie will no where to be found. Unfortunately, by then you will have destroyed the real relationship with your loyal husband.

 

I hate to tell you this but your marriage is a shame as long as this affair exists, it is a cancer to your marriage. Bad news never gets better with age, time to put on your big girl pants and confess to your husband.

[Timmos]

This all sounds so familiar.

[thummper]

This is how I am starting to think. Maybe this is who I really am and I shouldn't try to be something I am not.

 

 

 

I would tell him the truth. He deserves that.

He deserves a loyal and loving wife, which, apparently, you are NOT.

[Timmos]

There is nothing in her post that I didn't hear from my own fWW. Even the "not handy enough" nonsense.

 

OP: Your head is in a fog. This is all a fantasy. One day you will come to your senses and have nothing but the ashes of your life/marriage left to cry into.

[Steadfast]

I cheated on my long term boyfriend with someone else and that was just because of the sexual chemistry. This is different. There's something much more mature to it, something I wasn't expecting. He just makes me feel like I can truly be myself. My husband does not. And I need that in my life. My children need a mom who can truly be herself.

 

Physician, heal thyself. You have asked the question and answered it.

 

Tell your husband the truth, divorce and move on. Your marriage is over anyway. No matter what he says, do not give in. You'll betray yourself.

 

See, deep down, you know what you're doing is horrific. You probably also understand and accept that you'll one day be riddled with guilt and regret. Still, you must personally experience the pain and force the heartbreak of others to have any real chance of becoming a person with integrity. You have the sleeping faces of your children there...and you expect to discover awareness from a bunch of anonymous strangers? Really?

 

You'll either soften your heart with understanding, or force it to grow cold. Either way, you'll have to deal.

 

Don't drag it out. End it now. Let the rest go so they can begin to heal. The irony? You are doing your soon-to-be-ex husband a tremendous favor; women everywhere are seeking a genuine, faithful man who understands life's struggles. He'll have his pick of many fine females and be fine. Promise.

Edited February 21, 2014 by Steadfast

[MrsTimmos]

TwoWaters, I have never posted on this forum before, but I have to air my two cents on this one. I am a former WS, and though I know it will probably not make a difference to you, I wish I could shake you awake from this fantasy you have lulled your way into. You sound so much like what I used to, it is scary. I used to think I was unique, that my situation was unique and that my OM was the only guy who could make me happy. We worked together, we chatted, send emails, went to lunch. We shared hopes and dreams, expectations for the future, and everything else, and for a few brief moments, yes, I did wonder if perhaps he was right for me. BUT trust me, this fantasy, this illusion, CANNOT hold up over time. As much as i believed in my OM, he was a liar, a player and so wrong for me in so many ways, thinking of the affair now makes me sick.

 

The affair had so many red flags that are so apparent now that I never saw then - he married his girlfriend DURING the affair, for crying out loud. How blind do you have to be not too see that there is something very wrong about this person? Your OM is married, has kids .... place your husband in his stead: Would you want this man for your children's father? A man who does not even respect his wife enough to keep out from under other women's skirts? It is all about the sex, whether you like the truth or not. Give him about three months, and he will start making excuses, find reason to avoid you or put you off. That is normally how long it takes.

And if he lies, which he is and will be, read through those chats and emails again ...... there are bound to be inconsistencies.

 

Even when it comes to your justifications and the faults you find with your husband, sweetheart - we are so much alike, it's like reading a diary. Your husband IS good enough, more then good enough, and all he needs is some serious and honest conversation. I have big issues with emotions, especially my own, and to communicate them to others, is almost impossible for me. Part of the reason why me and my H had trouble, was because we simply did not know how to talk to each other. Sit down, take a deep breath and confess all - all at once! No TT. Under no circumstance resort to TT. I did, and it almost got my sorry a** thrown out on two occasions. Do not resort to "protecting him and his feelings". You have already abused them to or beyond his breaking point, but you cannot take that back now. If I were you, I would simply hope and pray that your husband is as loving and patient and forgiving as mine has been. Watching my husband hurt and suffer because of what I did, has given me a whole new perspective on how much he loves me, and how much you can destroy with a few inconsiderate actions and decisions. My affair was brief - due in part to the fact that douche got himself fired from our workplace (for unrelated offences), but trust me, I wish to God it had never happened.

 

Cherish your husband, you did at one point - break all contact with this OM, and dedicate the amount of time you spend on him, to your husband. I understand all of your feelings on "me time" and space and privacy and all the other bull***t we now demand as a means to an end, but it is not worth it. All the additional stress, hurt, confusion and misery you are creating for yourself and everyone around you, is not going to be a happy memory you look back on when the s**t hits the fan, and it will! No matter how much you try to hide it, sooner or later it will be found out. I wish now that my husband would have been more jealous, more suspicious, and more forceful - that he would have stopped me from doing what i had not the willpower or backbone to get myself out of, but it's too late now. Now all I can do is to try my best to prove to him that he is my first choice, but do you have any idea how tough a job that is? Once a husband has been place second, even once, there will be resentment there. Love your husband, invest in your husband, and TALK to him. If for no other reason, then for your child. As you make time for your family time, you will no doubt discover to your surprise, that family time fosters love, comfort and contentment on a whole other level then being selfish.

 

I know I probably sound like I am begging, and I most likely am. I hate for you to throw away your family on someone who does not give a hoot about his.

[Trep]

He doesn't know.

 

I'm not saying he is a clueless person. He just thinks I am depressed. He even tracks my periods (good grief) because he thinks my mood swings are due to this.

 

My husband trusts me. In a way I wish he was more jealous.. I even asked him once, "Why aren't you more jealous?". He just laughed and gave me a quizzical look and asked "Well, what do I need to be jealous about?". Sometimes I wish he would ask more questions.

 

Are you freaking kidding me?! You're complaining because your husband trusts you too much?!

 

I know, I shouldn't have said that. That does make me sound like a ridiculous person.

 

My parent's divorce did have an effect on me. I don't want my children to have to go through that, but in the end I turned out all right. So did my siblings. Obviously I have this flaw, but I do really care and it is tormenting for me, though I know that's offensive for people to hear. I didn't seek out either of these affairs. There are a lot of lows with the highs.

 

Yea, who cares if your kids have to suffer for years, so long as "in the end they turn out all right". No, you don't care about them or anyone other then your own selfish needs because if you did, you wouldn't be doing what you're doing.

 

Finally, you've stated that you've cheated on 3 LTR's now. This crap doesn't just happen, you don't just trip and fall into an affair. Clearly there is something wrong with you that causes you to constantly seek male attention else where and until you get this sorted out through therapy, it will just continue to happen. Hell, you'll probably do the same to the OM at some point down the line should you leave your husband for him.

[miguelcervantes]

Okay having read through this thread, here are my observations that you may or may not find useful:

 

• You are very comfortable with having affairs. This is not good for ANY relationship you get into. You use "falling in love" and other romantic notions to justify them, but the truth is you are weak when it comes to pursuing (selfishly I might add) your own wants. You really need to work on yourself with regard to this before anything else.
  
• Your current AP is a POS (player is too good a term for him). No decent person would have sex with a married woman who has kids and is trying to work on her marriage. Sleeping with you when (a) you are vulnerable with respect to affairs, and (b) you (like everyone else) are having problems in your marriage is not good behaviour. It is pretty scummy. One day (when you get over yourself and your cheating ways) you may see this.
  
• Being alone will not hurt your POSOM. It will hurt your husband because he is the one who is committed to you, has taken vows with you, has children with you. The POSOM on the other hand has justified his behaviour by attacking his marriage and wife, attacking your marriage and husband and has got his reward for this - bedding you several times. He can easily move on to his next "soulmate/love of his life" target or prey.
  
• Have you ever considered what you are doing to his wife and family? You are behaving like him from their viewpoint (scummy!).
  
• Cheating and taboo sex is always more exciting to start with until it is cheating and taboo no more. That is when you typically want to move on to the "next love of your life" or "soulmate" or what ever term you choose at the time.
  
• You are pretty good at using a combination of romantic narrative and explanations to justify your cheating. You need to better yourself and stop doing this. Also it comes across as extremely selfish - me, me, me! I am worried that "me" will lose out on the love of my life. I am worried that "me" will not be happy etc.
  

 

So my question is whether you really want to go through life like this ? If not, then fix yourself! Better yourself! Start by getting rid of the POSOM and coming clean with your husband. He probably will need our help more than you. Next, get therapy/counselling to understand how to stop yourself from doing what you do and to help you snap out of this (if that is all it takes). If you do want to make a go of your marriage after this, let it be your husband's decision as to whether he chooses to stay with you. If not, get divorced asap and make it easy on him and the kids.

 

I believe this is the best advice I can give you. Wake up and heal yourself!

[Bugz Bunny]

Yes, we've talked about it. We share similar dreams, styles, tastes, interests. We're very very compatible.. maybe it's a case of "right person, wrong time".

 

I don't know what a happy ending would look like. I would like to remain friends with my husband. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes I even imagine our kids playing together with children I may have with the "OM" and the children my husband could have with another woman that he deserves. I think he deserves better than me. A wife who could love him and be faithful.

 

Oh man what a load of BS...

 

I know, I shouldn't have said that. That does make me sound like a ridiculous person.

 

My parent's divorce did have an effect on me. I don't want my children to have to go through that, but in the end I turned out all right. So did my siblings. Obviously I have this flaw, but I do really care and it is tormenting for me, though I know that's offensive for people to hear. I didn't seek out either of these affairs. There are a lot of lows with the highs.

 

Did you turn all right ? Are you sure of that,maybe you should look and evaluate your whole life and then answer yourself on this question,because you have become a serial cheater...

 

Have you ever properly dealt as a kid with your parents divorce and cheating or have you just rug swept it because it sure seems like that...

 

Good Luck...

[rumbleseat]

OP,

Some friends and I have a running joke about what we (and lots of others ) call " the cheaters handbook". We say that because an awful lot of people who cheat use the exact same lines to justify and rationalize it.

 

This is just what you are doing.

 

I am kind of flummoxed by the line "my kids deserve a mother who can be herself " ( I hope I quoted that correctly) . What does this mean? If you mean what I think you do, I really have to know if you seriously believe that? Kids deserve love, security, kindness, honesty, etc.. They don't really care if mom or dad is " true to themselves" - whatever that means.

 

You show them how to live a good and honest life by being that way yourself. Lead by example. If things are not right, then either fix it or be honest with yourself, your husband and your kids and walk away. It won't be the same, but your kids will have two parents who love them. Isn't that being true to yourself?

[BeholdtheMan]

I get angry at myself. I'm a flirt and I know this started because I liked the attention But now I am in it. Is this just a fling like my friend had? It doesn't feel that way.

 

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Would you want your husband to be doing the same to you?

 

If you're unsatisfied with your husband, you have two morally conscionable options:

 

1. Try to fix the problems

 

2. Abandon ship, divorce

 

Creeping/cheating/sh*tting all over your marriage vows is the most cowardly and immoral path to take

[TwoWaters]

TwoWaters, I have never posted on this forum before, but I have to air my two cents on this one. I am a former WS, and though I know it will probably not make a difference to you, I wish I could shake you awake from this fantasy you have lulled your way into. You sound so much like what I used to, it is scary. I used to think I was unique, that my situation was unique and that my OM was the only guy who could make me happy. We worked together, we chatted, send emails, went to lunch. We shared hopes and dreams, expectations for the future, and everything else, and for a few brief moments, yes, I did wonder if perhaps he was right for me. BUT trust me, this fantasy, this illusion, CANNOT hold up over time. As much as i believed in my OM, he was a liar, a player and so wrong for me in so many ways, thinking of the affair now makes me sick.

 

The affair had so many red flags that are so apparent now that I never saw then - he married his girlfriend DURING the affair, for crying out loud. How blind do you have to be not too see that there is something very wrong about this person? Your OM is married, has kids .... place your husband in his stead: Would you want this man for your children's father? A man who does not even respect his wife enough to keep out from under other women's skirts? It is all about the sex, whether you like the truth or not. Give him about three months, and he will start making excuses, find reason to avoid you or put you off. That is normally how long it takes.

And if he lies, which he is and will be, read through those chats and emails again ...... there are bound to be inconsistencies.

 

Even when it comes to your justifications and the faults you find with your husband, sweetheart - we are so much alike, it's like reading a diary. Your husband IS good enough, more then good enough, and all he needs is some serious and honest conversation. I have big issues with emotions, especially my own, and to communicate them to others, is almost impossible for me. Part of the reason why me and my H had trouble, was because we simply did not know how to talk to each other. Sit down, take a deep breath and confess all - all at once! No TT. Under no circumstance resort to TT. I did, and it almost got my sorry a** thrown out on two occasions. Do not resort to "protecting him and his feelings". You have already abused them to or beyond his breaking point, but you cannot take that back now. If I were you, I would simply hope and pray that your husband is as loving and patient and forgiving as mine has been. Watching my husband hurt and suffer because of what I did, has given me a whole new perspective on how much he loves me, and how much you can destroy with a few inconsiderate actions and decisions. My affair was brief - due in part to the fact that douche got himself fired from our workplace (for unrelated offences), but trust me, I wish to God it had never happened.

 

Cherish your husband, you did at one point - break all contact with this OM, and dedicate the amount of time you spend on him, to your husband. I understand all of your feelings on "me time" and space and privacy and all the other bull***t we now demand as a means to an end, but it is not worth it. All the additional stress, hurt, confusion and misery you are creating for yourself and everyone around you, is not going to be a happy memory you look back on when the s**t hits the fan, and it will! No matter how much you try to hide it, sooner or later it will be found out. I wish now that my husband would have been more jealous, more suspicious, and more forceful - that he would have stopped me from doing what i had not the willpower or backbone to get myself out of, but it's too late now. Now all I can do is to try my best to prove to him that he is my first choice, but do you have any idea how tough a job that is? Once a husband has been place second, even once, there will be resentment there. Love your husband, invest in your husband, and TALK to him. If for no other reason, then for your child. As you make time for your family time, you will no doubt discover to your surprise, that family time fosters love, comfort and contentment on a whole other level then being selfish.

 

I know I probably sound like I am begging, and I most likely am. I hate for you to throw away your family on someone who does not give a hoot about his.

 

Thank you for sharing that. I can feel the pain of what you must have gone through, and the fact your husband stands by you is a testament to him. It appears that the man you were with had his true colors revealed. Perhaps the universe was looking out for you.. sometimes I wish I had a sign.

 

I do *know* this other man deeply cares for me. He pushes me to do my best with my art, and I'm impressed by what he knows and who he is on the inside. That's why it is getting deeper and deeper. He does lack qualities my husband has, and I'm not completely unaware that his background is an issue. But so is mine, right? I just feel like we offer each other something that neither of us has found elsewhere yet. He does not have any children. I don't think that they can have them (due to her).

 

You are all right. I am not giving my husband a fair shake and I have some thinking to do. I don't think I could tell my husband now about the affair. It would crush him and I'm afraid of what he might do to in response.

[goumao]

Probably your Husband also has women that are attracted to him, probably he's had plenty of opportunity to sleep with other women, he may even have met someone previously and thought briefly "Oh we would be so nice together etc etc", but he didn't put himself in dangerous situations like you have been doing. He stays away from women he thinks fancy him, he doesn't contact women he finds attractive, because he thinks this will hurt you so much, because he respects you too much, because he knows he is married and has kids! You need to either stop being such a narcissist and treat him with the respect he deserves or divorce him and stop wasting his f$#king time. He, just like you, only lives once and he definitely doesn't want to waste his life with someone so "me me me me, oh my soul mate!!!" like you!