In love with another man

[TwoWaters]

OP,

Some friends and I have a running joke about what we (and lots of others ) call " the cheaters handbook". We say that because an awful lot of people who cheat use the exact same lines to justify and rationalize it.

 

This is just what you are doing.

 

I am kind of flummoxed by the line "my kids deserve a mother who can be herself " ( I hope I quoted that correctly) . What does this mean? If you mean what I think you do, I really have to know if you seriously believe that? Kids deserve love, security, kindness, honesty, etc.. They don't really care if mom or dad is " true to themselves" - whatever that means.

 

You show them how to live a good and honest life by being that way yourself. Lead by example. If things are not right, then either fix it or be honest with yourself, your husband and your kids and walk away. It won't be the same, but your kids will have two parents who love them. Isn't that being true to yourself?

 

I know it's hard thing to understand unless you're in the situation yourself. I just feel more myself around the other man. And not just because he's a new person whom I don't have the daily routine with, but because there's something about HIM specifically. I've never felt this way before.

 

I'm being pulled in two directions, and I have some thinking to do. I don't want my children to go through what I went through, and I do love us very much as a family. It is just very hard to turn off those other feelings, and to think that I could let something pass by that I would regret for a long time.

[TwoWaters]

Probably your Husband also has women that are attracted to him, probably he's had plenty of opportunity to sleep with other women, he may even have met someone previously and thought briefly "Oh we would be so nice together etc etc", but he didn't put himself in dangerous situations like you have been doing. He stays away from women he thinks fancy him, he doesn't contact women he finds attractive, because he thinks this will hurt you so much, because he respects you too much, because he knows he is married and has kids! You need to either stop being such a narcissist and treat him with the respect he deserves or divorce him and stop wasting his f$#king time. He, just like you, only lives once and he definitely doesn't want to waste his life with someone so "me me me me, oh my soul mate!!!" like you!

 

I know it's selfish. It's also very painful to be in this situation. I'm not a narcissist.. I have a lot of guilt over this and would prefer to turn back the clock. I hate myself at times. Even my lover is getting nervous. He doesn't like the idea of breaking up a family or hurting is wife again. He doesn't like to hurt people and this is getting heavy for him.

 

You're right, my husband probably does have other women looking at him. He's let himself go a little bit, but he is an attractive man. He looks at other women sometimes, and I know he's been looking at nude girls online (just pictures). Is that respectful?

 

I think people either misread or I mistyped something about the sexual nature of our affair. We've been together a number of times, not just a few. The physical chemistry is amazing, but so is the spiritual chemistry. People mock the word "soulmates" but I think we have this word for a reason. If you're really open to love, then it will come to you. I sometimes even wonder if I knew him in a past life, but I know not everyone shares those kinds of beliefs.

Edited February 21, 2014 by TwoWaters

[miguelcervantes]

I know it's selfish. It's also very painful to be in this situation. I'm not a narcissist.. I have a lot of guilt over this and would prefer to turn back the clock. I hate myself at times. Even my lover is getting nervous. He doesn't like the idea of breaking up a family or hurting is wife again. He doesn't like to hurt people and this is getting heavy for him.

 

You're right, my husband probably does have other women looking at him. He's let himself go a little bit, but he is an attractive man. He looks at other women sometimes, and I know he's been looking at nude girls online (just pictures). Is that respectful?

 

I think people either misread or I mistyped something about the sexual nature of our affair. We've been together a number of times, not just a few. The physical chemistry is amazing, but so is the spiritual chemistry. People mock the word "soulmates" but I think we have this word for a reason. If you're really open to love, then it will come to you. I sometimes even wonder if I knew him in a past life, but I know not everyone shares those kinds of beliefs.

 

Oh my God! This is much worse than I thought. Of course your POSOM helps you with your art or whatever. Of course he is "interested" in you becoming a "better" person. These are standard tools in an armoury for a cheat/predator/player. And of course you "know" that he cares for you - its called the FOG. And who wouldn't "care" for someone he is bedding - regularly. He has an unfair aphrodisiac working for him - the taboo nature of cheating and the affair itself! Else your "bonding" wouldn't seem anywhere near as special or spiritual as it does now. And by the way, you can insert "any predator/player" instead of "this predator/player" when it comes to your feelings for him. You do not have feelings for him - you have them for the persona.

[atreides]

Thank you Sofie and I'm sorry for what happened to you. I hope you are able to work it out with your husband. I started to tear up thinking about my family.

 

I do know other couples whose relationships started as affairs and they are in love with one another. I don't think it's always doomed to fail. I'm trying to be real about this, but also true to my feelings.

 

I have the utmost respect for what Sofie wrote and you should take it as the most valuable if i were you.

 

I will only say the following because you feel guilt which means somewhere deep beyond the biological stimulative power horse of a reaction you are feeling from the "new" is your core and part of the reason you wrote your post.

 

I am usually one of the members here who tend to berate but I know you will get enough of that so I will only say this. What you are feeling is real and it is this "new love and discovery" you feel which i know in someway helps you cope because it is "genuine" to you vs say a one night stand or fling in your mind. In other words while you have guilt and acknowledge you are "cheating" it feels right as it is "for love."

So this is a story of "new love" for you, i get that and I am sure there are some successful relationships from affairs... not that i know of one.

 

However, just about you and not your H or anyone else, your MM is not genuine and the sad thing is that he was upfront about it and when the time comes and your number is up, he will use "i told you this already." I know he is pushing all the right buttons, but one thing i have learned is that our standards are different when we are single vs married in the context of an "affair" as we let go of our usual barriers and requirements because we start with the glass "half full" vs when we are single. Meaning your married relationship is still supplanting the more serious aspects we look for in a relationship... to just leaving the fun part for your AP.

So if your M is for not, and i know you love these "new feelings" you have now and will likely be one of the more harder things in life to overcome.... do more for yourself, treat yourself to a fair relationship, one you don't have to hide or feel guilt over. You deserve that at the least.

Edited February 21, 2014 by atreides

[experiencethedevine]

I am not sure where to start. I've read a few other posts on this forum, and it kind of makes me nervous to write. I know people will attack me, and I suppose rightfully so, but I can't help what I feel. I don't even know why I am writing this. I've been to a counselor on my own to talk about my issues and she pointed out that I am in the 'power struggle' phase, and that's part of my frustration right now.

 

The thing is I am falling very hard for someone other than my husband. He's someone helping me with an art project and he's married as well. He's told me that he has not been happy in his marriage for a while. He had a two year affair several years ago but ended it at his wife's discovery and request. He hurt the other woman, but he wanted to be honorable to his wife. He scrapped his Facebook page and everything. No contact with the OW. He travels a lot for work (doing exhibits) and I suppose that has led again to the distance between he and his wife. I think he loves her but is not in love with her. That and they have not been able to conceive a child. I have to be honest, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a child with him. I think he'd be a very good dad.

 

I'm not one to judge his past affair because when I met my husband, I was with someone else. But that relationship had really run its course. We had met young and I stayed too long in it. He was a good man too but he wasn't going to be the man I spent the rest of my life with. It was a painful ending, and it hurts to think I could be doing that again.

 

My married friend and I connect in a way that I don't with my husband. My husband is a good man, smart, principled, charming, fun, humorous, attentive in bed, but he has disappointed me a lot over the past year. And I just don't desire him like I used to. We're only intimate once or twice a week, but I know that has a lot do with us raising young children. We're very good as parents together, though I feel like I'm pulling the weight there sometimes.

 

I just feel like my husband gets on my case, he's not handy enough, he's not as motivated as I am. He's an amazing dad and our children adore him, and I fear I could be sabotaging their lives and it's killing me. But I can't not be with this other man. He gives me so much. I'm just pulled into him. We'd been emailing, chatting online, meeting for coffee, and so on. I sensed it getting heavy, and thought about breaking contact off altogether, but I didn't. Or couldn't, I don't know. I know what I am doing is wrong, but I've already crossed the line. Painfully so. We've had sex several times since talking to him about what our relationship should be. Neither of us has figured that out yet.

 

I don't know where this headed and I can't really talk to anyone about it. I have one friend who had a brief affair and never told her husband. So she's the only one who can relate. My sister would never condone what I am doing, but she doesn't know what goes on behind closed doors or what it's like to live with my husband.

 

I get angry at myself. I'm a flirt and I know this started because I liked the attention But now I am in it. Is this just a fling like my friend had? It doesn't feel that way.

 

 

Oh my goodness, you and your married man are simply a match made in heaven???................................................................

[TwoWaters]

I have the utmost respect for what sophie wrote and you should take it as the most valuable if i were you.

 

I will only say the following because you feel guilt which means somewhere deep beyond the biological stimulative power horse of a reaction you are feeling from the "new" is your core and part of the reason you wrote this post.

 

I am usually one of the members here who tend to berate but I know you will get enough of that so I will only say this. What you are feeling is real and it is this "new love and discovery" you feel which i know in someway helps you cope because it is "genuine" to you vs say a one night stand or fling in your mind. In other words while you have guilt and acknowledge you are "cheating" it feels right as it is "for love."

So this is a story of "new love" for you, i get that and I am sure there are some successful relationships from affairs... not that i know of one.

However, just about you and not your H or anyone else, your MM is not genuine and the sad thing is that he was upfront about it and when the time comes and your number is up, he will use "i told you this already."

So if your M is for not, and i know you love these "new feelings" you have now and will likely be one of the more harder things in life to overcome.... do more for yourself, treat yourself to a fair relationship, one you don't have to hide or feel guilt over.

 

 

Well put, and thank you for being fair.

 

I'm not sure what you meant by my MM was upfront about it. I think he would leave her, he is just very concerned about hurting her again. I think he has also fallen for me and would prefer to be with me than his wife. I do wonder what it must be like for her, and if she's happy with him but he's not happy with her. Their relationship was already damaged by his previous affair. He tried to reconcile because he felt it was the right thing to do, so I respect him for trying. I think they are more like brother and sister to each other now. She's a little younger than I am, probably less experienced world-wise and doesn't share his passion for art like I do. It's a big part of who he is, and who I am.

 

He says that he thinks about me while having sex with her, and that it's just not the same anymore now that he's met me. I know that sounds conceited on my part, but I just mean in the sense of our connection. He understands that I still have sex with my husband, but he is jealous about it. I am a bit oversexed recently, and on one occasion I had sex with my husband the day after I was with my lover. It made me feel used in a way, and that I had to be there for both men. It was also physically painful, and my husband seems to have noticed that physically things are different during sex.

[MrsTimmos]

TwoWaters, I "knew" at one time too, that he cared for me, loved me even. He spoke of marrying me and divorcing his wife the same day he married her. And why? Because it got him laid, plain and simple. He had no intention what so ever of leaving his wife, or making good on the promises he made me. How on earth do you think he got his first AP to choose him over her husband and/or other options, and he dropped her for his wife, did he not? Sweetheart, you are not unique to him, but telling you you are, is what is getting him bedded, and that is all that matters to him. Making it appear as if sex isn't all there is to it, is what matters to you, so he lies.

 

He will find any chink in your armor, any problem in the marriage, any issue you have with your husband, and give you what you want, what your husband isn't giving you, and fill the gap or void in your life. He does not have to back talk your husband to achieve anything, but simply follow the instructions you are giving him every time you confide in him, and he will get his prize.

 

I wish i could find the right words to make you understand that this will not end well. More then likely you will loose both men - one because he never cared, and your husband because he cared too much, and you hurt him beyond what he can deal with and live with.

 

I wish you luck, but i don't think any amount of luck or well wishing can prepare you for how your husband will ultimately react when he finds out. That being said - DO NOT hide this from him any longer. You are not giving him a fair deal, and he needs to know what is going on so he can make his choices as freely as you are making yours.

[Trimmer]

I do know other couples whose relationships started as affairs and they are in love with one another. I don't think it's always doomed to fail. I'm trying to be real about this, but also true to my feelings.

How about the couple who is currently living in your house? Didn't their marriage grow from an affair? Where does it look like their marriage is headed now?

There is nothing in her post that I didn't hear from my own fWW. Even the "not handy enough" nonsense.

I agree - I can't even select a few passages to post because so many of her statements are just such cliches. So much of this came out of my fWW/ex's mouth, too. (Although she would never argue that I wasn't handy - them's fightin' words! ! ! )

 

I know it's hard thing to understand unless you're in the situation yourself.

Ironically, you don't understand most of it, because you're in the situation yourself.

 

One final note: you are going to do what you're going to do, I understand that. The adults around you will be some mixture of devastated, angry, hurt, dazed, etc. Your children will be hurt, of course, but if they are lucky, they will receive proper support for their grief. Then they can grow up and be just like you - after all, you turned out OK, right?

 

But please, please, don't bring any more children into this. Don't you see that you are just in a repeating cycle, over and over again? You witnessed your parents' marriage end with infidelity; your current marriage started from infidelity, and your kids will watch it end with infidelity.... I am pessimistic, and I feel like you are so convinced, and you have armored yourself so thoroughly with all the cliche's from the infidelity handbook, that you are going to fly this airplane into the ground. But if by some small chance you can see through all your own deceptions - of others and of yourself - for just a tiny bit, I hope you'll see that starting another new cycle of bringing children into this dynamic is not fair to them.

[experiencethedevine]

Although I am a BS myself, I will tell you something very clear.

 

My WS was like you, but listen: she chose a single AP. She chose a man who fell in love with her immediately. They did everything together. She was all set to leave me for this man. They were well into the sex when I discovered.

On DDay she woke up. When she told me she was seeing another man, she wasn't telling me like a confession, she was telling me like, Im on my way out the door, how do you want to handle this, or worse. Im in two relationships and I don't want or know how to choose, so Ill just let you decide.

 

So I asked her: are you ready to end this A? The answer was NOT yes.

So I left her 2 hours while I went to discuss this with our close friends.

 

When I came back she agreed to end - and I only mean END her A, go NC and begin to discuss if we were even going to get back together. Within days she realised she was "that close" to giving up everything, and not long after began to see him as a simple man. Nothing special, nothing worth losing your marriage over.

 

So wake up, and wake up fast. It doesn't even MATTER IF this guy wants to leave his wife for you, it will end BADLY FOR YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE.

 

It took my WS 9 months to finally see that it wasnt that I wasnt giving her what she NEEDED it is that SHE DID NOT WANT THOSE NEEDS MET by ME, only by her AP. This is exactly where you are. You cannot assess your relationship with this guy because its based on fantasy. Have you spent a night with him? Have you woken up in the morning with him and rushed to get the kids off to school? Have you cleaned the toilets with him yet? Have you taken out the garbage, sorted and folded the laundry with him? It's a fantasy as real as it feels. Of course you want to be with him, your H is at home fending and maintaining the Castle while you are out with Prince charming in bed of roses making love.

One day you will realise that Prince charming farts just like everyone else.[/QUOTE]

 

 

 

 

Simply and eloquently put seaviews, this is priceless, and the fundamental reality of it all without any trimming.

 

 

I love it, and will commit it to memory for personal use in my workshops if you don't mind!

[TwoWaters]

TwoWaters, I "knew" at one time too, that he cared for me, loved me even. He spoke of marrying me and divorcing his wife the same day he married her. And why? Because it got him laid, plain and simple. He had no intention what so ever of leaving his wife, or making good on the promises he made me. How on earth do you think he got his first AP to choose him over her husband and/or other options, and he dropped her for his wife, did he not? Sweetheart, you are not unique to him, but telling you you are, is what is getting him bedded, and that is all that matters to him. Making it appear as if sex isn't all there is to it, is what matters to you, so he lies.

 

He will find any chink in your armor, any problem in the marriage, any issue you have with your husband, and give you what you want, what your husband isn't giving you, and fill the gap or void in your life. He does not have to back talk your husband to achieve anything, but simply follow the instructions you are giving him every time you confide in him, and he will get his prize.

 

I wish i could find the right words to make you understand that this will not end well. More then likely you will loose both men - one because he never cared, and your husband because he cared too much, and you hurt him beyond what he can deal with and live with.

 

I wish you luck, but i don't think any amount of luck or well wishing can prepare you for how your husband will ultimately react when he finds out. That being said - DO NOT hide this from him any longer. You are not giving him a fair deal, and he needs to know what is going on so he can make his choices as freely as you are making yours.

 

I know it sounds cliched, and you may be right but it doesn't feel that way in my gut. I feel like I have a good judge of character, and I suppose I do have that "you only live once" philosophy. The MM and I have sort of set Carpe Diem as our motto, and yet at some point everything will come to light. I do tremble at that, because I know others will not approve.

 

You're right, I do need to make a decision. I want to use the trip with MM to make that decision, in all fairness to him and my husband. I want to know what it is like to spend whole days with him, not just stolen moments. We have made a lot of promises to each other, and I feel I need to see if it "feels right" enough to make the decision. He says he will be there for me if I tell my husband. Like me, he's nervous and ashamed about the pain it will cause everyone.

 

I don't think he is manipulating me. I think he loves me and wants to give me what I need because he's in love. It's a natural thing, right? If I'm upset, he wants to soothe me. There is some courting going on, but I take that as the exact opposite: it's an illustration that he wants to prove his love.

 

I suppose my history is an influence. My father is still with the woman he was seeing when he left my mother. They have a child together. I was not a fan of my stepmom (she was too strict and denigrated my mom in the beginning) but this man is not like her. He's calm, not controlling like my stepmother is. I think that over time my family would accept him, if they got to know him.

 

The question now is would I be leaving for him, or be because of the way things are with my husband? The two seem so intertwined at this point I don't know what to do.

 

Thanks for all the advice. I should probably take a break for a bit.

[TwoWaters]

Regarding "cliches", maybe it's called that because that's how common the experiences are?

 

I'm not saying my situation is unique, but that this man is unique to me. We are both unhappy in our marriages and falling in love. It DOES happen. Who's to blame for it isn't the right question for me. I could say my husband was to "blame" because he didn't meet my needs, and I can say I am to "blame" because I was not more assertive in telling him what I needed. And because I let someone else get to close.

 

Seaviews, what happened to your wife's AP?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

The physical chemistry is amazing, but so is the spiritual chemistry. People mock the word "soulmates" but I think we have this word for a reason. If you're really open to love, then it will come to you. I sometimes even wonder if I knew him in a past life, but I know not everyone shares those kinds of beliefs.

 

Now you have everyone thinking that you've got their houses bugged and you've been listening in, just repeating back the same stuff they've already heard.

 

On this small forum, how many people have already told you they heard the exact same stuff from a cheating spouse?

[Trimmer]

Regarding "cliches", maybe it's called that because that's how common the experiences are?

Well, they are called "cliches" because the ideas are tired, overused, and betray an astonishing lack of individual character or originality. So, common, yes I suppose - in the roll-your-eyes, least-common-denominator sense.

 

I know it sounds cliched, and you may be right but it doesn't feel that way in my gut. I feel like I have a good judge of character...

Really? How did things work out with that last married man you started a relationship with?

 

...and I suppose I do have that "you only live once" philosophy. The MM and I have sort of set Carpe Diem as our motto...

Ah, Carpe Diem and it's younger sibling, YOLO - the battle cries of those unwilling to consider the consequences.

 

...and yet at some point everything will come to light. I do tremble at that, because I know others will not approve.

"Not approve"? Do you really think "not approve" comes anywhere close to describing how your families are going to react?

 

You're right, I do need to make a decision. I want to use the trip with MM to make that decision, in all fairness to him and my husband.

Hmmm, that's not in "all fairness", it's just a token amount of fairness. All fairness to your husband would be to make that decision before actively deceiving him and your children further so you can leave to go on a trip with your OM.

[TwoWaters]

Now you have everyone thinking that you've got their houses bugged and you've been listening in, just repeating back the same stuff they've already heard.

 

On this small forum, how many people have already told you they heard the exact same stuff from a cheating spouse?

 

Yes, it's quite clear I'm not the only one. That's sort of my point: The feelings are real. You feel them to your core. I see some people who decided to stay and some who decided to leave for the other person. I guess that some grieve over losing that chance at being with someone else, and some "wake up" to the fact that their family is more important and that perhaps the fantasy was just that. Or even that it wasn't a mutual fantasy but a manipulation. Those stories scare me a bit, but it usually seems that the person was psycho or devious.

 

However, I don't see anyone who is on this board who chose to build a life with someone else and then it collapsed six months or a year later. Or a few years later. My current relationship has lasted 8 years, and I thought it would be forever. I just don't know if I believe in until death do we part. That we have to be with the same person for the rest of our lives because of honoring commitment as opposed to actually wanting to be with that person. If my husband told me he was leaving for someone else, I would be devastated but perhaps I would understand since I've been there before myself.

[TwoWaters]

My husband was not married when we met. He was single.

[experiencethedevine]

Yes, it's quite clear I'm not the only one. That's sort of my point: The feelings are real. You feel them to your core. I see some people who decided to stay and some who decided to leave for the other person. I guess that some grieve over losing that chance at being with someone else, and some "wake up" to the fact that their family is more important and that perhaps the fantasy was just that. Or even that it wasn't a mutual fantasy but a manipulation. Those stories scare me a bit, but it usually seems that the person was psycho or devious.

 

However, I don't see anyone who is on this board who chose to build a life with someone else and then it collapsed six months or a year later. Or a few years later. My current relationship has lasted 8 years, and I thought it would be forever. I just don't know if I believe in until death do we part. That we have to be with the same person for the rest of our lives because of honoring commitment as opposed to actually wanting to be with that person. If my husband told me he was leaving for someone else, I would be devastated but perhaps I would understand since I've been there before myself.

 

 

And 'some' will never be satisfied with anyone because they are simply unrealistic in their expectations in a relationship and the constant search for the heady initial stages of 'love' (the chemical reaction to stimulus in the brain) and the need for its perpetual attention means that one is not grounded in any reality in any of their relationships.

[TwoWaters]

I do want to say that my husband made me a better person. Or at least tried to show me the errors of some of my ways.

 

I think his decision to be involved with me while I was in a relationship was one he was very uncertain about. Truth and honesty are very important to him, and I have failed him in that regard. But I also reached a point where I felt like I could not totally confide in him, and this was before I met this other person. So I have been journaling during this affair. I am not good at expressing all of those thoughts in any other way, not even to my AP.

[miguelcervantes]

Well put, and thank you for being fair.

 

I'm not sure what you meant by my MM was upfront about it. I think he would leave her, he is just very concerned about hurting her again. I think he has also fallen for me and would prefer to be with me than his wife. I do wonder what it must be like for her, and if she's happy with him but he's not happy with her. Their relationship was already damaged by his previous affair. He tried to reconcile because he felt it was the right thing to do, so I respect him for trying. I think they are more like brother and sister to each other now. She's a little younger than I am, probably less experienced world-wise and doesn't share his passion for art like I do. It's a big part of who he is, and who I am.

 

He says that he thinks about me while having sex with her, and that it's just not the same anymore now that he's met me. I know that sounds conceited on my part, but I just mean in the sense of our connection. He understands that I still have sex with my husband, but he is jealous about it. I am a bit oversexed recently, and on one occasion I had sex with my husband the day after I was with my lover. It made me feel used in a way, and that I had to be there for both men. It was also physically painful, and my husband seems to have noticed that physically things are different during sex.

 

Bolded parts above: standard cheaters script 101! Nothing different, nothing new!

 

I know it sounds cliched, IT IS and you may be right but it doesn't feel that way in my gut. I feel like I have a good judge of character, and I suppose I do have that "you only live once" philosophy. The MM and I have sort of set Carpe Diem as our motto, ALL HEDONISTIC SELFISHNESS NOTHING MORE and yet at some point everything will come to light. I do tremble at that, because I know others will not approve.

 

You're right, I do need to make a decision. I want to use the trip with MM to make that decision, in all fairness to him and my husband. I want to know what it is like to spend whole days with him, not just stolen moments. THESE WILL NOT BE TYPICAL DAYS BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE FINANCIAL AND EMOTIONAL SAFETY NET OF YOUR CURRENT HUSBAND/MARRIAGE - ASK THE POS TO TAKE YOU ON AFTER YOU HAVE DIVORCED AND WITH YOUR BAGGAGE AND THEN SEE WHAT TYPICAL DAYS WILL BE LIKE We have made a lot of promises to each other, and I feel I need to see if it "feels right" enough to make the decision. He says he will be there for me if I tell my husband. Like me, he's nervous and ashamed about the pain it will cause everyone.

 

I don't think he is manipulating me. I think he loves me and wants to give me what I need because he's in love. It's a natural thing, right? WRONG! YOU ARE NOT THINKING RIGHT AND NOT LISTENING EITHER! If I'm upset, he wants to soothe me. There is some courting going on, but I take that as the exact opposite: it's an illustration that he wants to prove his love.

 

I suppose my history is an influence. My father is still with the woman he was seeing when he left my mother. They have a child together. I was not a fan of my stepmom (she was too strict and denigrated my mom in the beginning) but this man is not like her. He's calm, not controlling like my stepmother is. I think that over time my family would accept him, if they got to know him.

 

The question now is would I be leaving for him, or be because of the way things are with my husband? The two seem so intertwined at this point I don't know what to do.

 

Thanks for all the advice. I should probably take a break for a bit.

 

You really need to get your head out of this hole in the sand and start really listening and taking some of the advice here. If not, then do the right thing and tell your husband and then send him here - I would much rather be advising him in that case!

[jnel921]

Perhaps you need to acknowledge this man as a friend and kept it at that. Sometimes when you spend too much time with someone of the opposite sex at work you wind up staring and looking at the person a little more than necessary.

 

Your H. Sounds like a wonderful person so not sure where you got to the point where you felt things were not as great. This is the part where you have a conversation with your H to get the fire going again and open up the lines of communication that should be happening between the both of you and not some other man.

 

I am surprised that you are "in love" with this person. I think you are in lust. It's sad that you crossed that line. How do you think your H will feel about that? If he left you, do you seriously believe this OM wants to be with you? Be a step father to your kids and you dream of more with HIM? Does he deserve that more than the man you are already with? He already told you in not so many words that he has done this before and has not left his wife. What makes you so special that you think he would? I doubt it very much. You flirted and he took the bait.

 

Now that you have had sex with this guy you need someone to make you feel like it's ok. You have confided in a friend who you want approval from because she did it and got away with it and to HER its no big deal? Had you told your sister of course she would have said otherwise. You will hear the truth on this forum.

 

You will not get an okay it's just a fling just keep it quiet from me. Give your H the respect he deserves and tell him about this. Let him decide how he feels about this, your M and you.

 

I have yet to figure out the thought process of WS who go off the deep end and make excuses for their actions.

 

You need to make some choices immediately because you cannot to continue living this lie as you are affecting more lives than you think.

 

Good luck to you.

[BHsigh]

I understand there are a lot of people on this site who have been hurt. I don't want to hurt my husband, but lately things have been so tense between us I just feel like it's going to fall apart. We've been fighting more, when we didn't in the past. He's either too particular about things, managing my time, or he's too relaxed when I want him to take charge. Overall, he's a good person, I don't want to say he's a monster because he's not. But he makes me feel a bit like a prisoner. I want to spend more time on my art, I feel like I need that for myself. He's content to just do family stuff. I told him to make some friends, get something going for himself.

 

I know it sounds harsh. But I do adore my husband. He can be very loving, kind, wise, he makes me laugh, and do have a lot in common. We were working on a project together but he doesn't seem to want to make time for it. I know he's working hard, too, .. we both are.. but I'm supporting us more and that's been grating on my nerves. I was deeply in love with him when we first met, I still love him, he may not be meeting all my expectations but I do love him. There's just this mix of our recurring issues plus.. well, the other man. I know it sounds hokey, but I feel like I met him for a reason. That's why I used the name TwoWaters. It's related to a project I am doing, but it's also as if I am choosing between two waters to sail on.

 

You know, my wife and I started fighting a lot, much more than ever before, and you know what I eventually found out? That it was during her affair, your husband will eventually find out the same thing.

 

You going outside of the marriage, having no respect for your husband, downgrading him in your mind and blaming him for all of your problems is what is causing these fights.

[BHsigh]

He doesn't know.

 

I'm not saying he is a clueless person. He just thinks I am depressed. He even tracks my periods (good grief) because he thinks my mood swings are due to this.

 

My husband trusts me. In a way I wish he was more jealous.. I even asked him once, "Why aren't you more jealous?". He just laughed and gave me a quizzical look and asked "Well, what do I need to be jealous about?". Sometimes I wish he would ask more questions.

 

By any chance, are you refusing sex to your husband at all by saying that you're on your period, or have you ever during your affair? Have you ever refused him sex because you're having a strange discharge or anything of the sort?

[TwoWaters]

By any chance, are you refusing sex to your husband at all by saying that you're on your period, or have you ever during your affair? Have you ever refused him sex because you're having a strange discharge or anything of the sort?

 

Yes. I have. I'm assuming that you must have experienced this firsthand.

 

I wrote before husband was inside me once when I had already been with my lover the night before. I had washed the night before, but it still felt very strange. It felt vulgar so I have avoided doing that again. But I had been rejecting my husband all week so I felt obliged.

 

My period has been the most reliable excuse. My husband has been tracking it and getting suspicious about why they seem to be closer together and last longer. He knows my body and I know he senses something is amiss, but he knows that I am depressed.

 

You must think I'm evil.

[TwoWaters]

You know, my wife and I started fighting a lot, much more than ever before, and you know what I eventually found out? That it was during her affair, your husband will eventually find out the same thing.

 

You going outside of the marriage, having no respect for your husband, downgrading him in your mind and blaming him for all of your problems is what is causing these fights.

 

I'm aware it's causing more issues but we did have issues before.

 

My husband is not earning money right now on his project and this is a sore spot for me. He keeps saying he's getting closer, getting closer. I'm just losing faith in him overall. But he is working hard, I grant him that.

 

He does stuff around the house. He makes dinner and often lunch for us since he is at home a lot. But he's just weirdly anal about stuff. He likes things to be clean, he's always organizing the shoes, he even cleans out my purse (because it's a mess and he says I can never find anything in it). He says he is sick of being the only one to clean the car. We're different.. I like to be abel to kick my shoes off in the hall and throw wrappers on the car floor. We've always had this issue. I clean at my own pace, he always wants to "maintain" a certain level of cleanliness. This has always been an issue for us. Not a deal breaker, of course, but it leads to petty fights and not much making up. I feel he always wants to have things his way.

[stillafool]

You said your parents divorced and you don't want your children to go through that experience. Tell us why you are hurting them by having this affair. If you really cared for them you would do everything possible to prevent yourself from hurting them. That means not having a seedy affair on their father. You are bragging about the OM taking you away for a couple of days? You are not some single and free woman! You would leave your kids for a couple of days to go away and screw some other man who has a wife and family of his own? My goodness, take a long hard look at yourself and what you've become.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It is clear you are fine with being in an affair. You don't appear to have an internal issue or distress over this.

 

What exactly are you seeking advice for?