In love with another man

[janedoe67]

I have sat here for awhile trying to figure out what to post. I am a FWW and so I SHOULD post.

 

But honestly, you remind me so much of myself when I was so full of it you could smell me a mile away I'm not sure what to say.

 

IF you felt real guilt you would end it.

 

IF you respected and loved your husband you would not cheat.

 

IF you were mature you would know "following feelings" is what 13 year olds do

 

This OM is not in love with you. He probably feels like he is. It's chemicals, infatuation, and thrill. That is what you feel also.

 

Love is choice, commitment, unselfishness, honesty. An affair is none of those things.

 

You are going to end up causing more destruction than you can imagine. But I know you do not believe that. Sadly, like me, you will likely have to hit bottom to see it.

 

It makes me sad.

[TwoWaters]

My AP does not have children.

 

He has met my children, just brief hellos when we walk by his studio on the way to somewhere else.

 

I guess I was just looking for general advice, to see if my situation was different than the ones I read about. I kind of wanted to put it all out there and see what I go in return from people who have been there and who have been betrayed as well. Part of me wanted a kick in the butt, to see if I am really being a fool. I wish there were people I could talk to in person.. I'm not really into forums or facebook or anything like that.

 

I was very depressed and sick at the beginning and lost weight and flared up and all sorts of things. I cried for a few days and then tried to arrange time and dates with my husband, but he's so unaware of what's going on it just feels so artificial to me.

 

So the trip seems like a turning point and that's what I need to think about. If I go through with it.

 

There's been some very good advice on here. Thank you. I guess I don't have any more questions..

[Fearful]

TWOWATER, Since you have Prioritize your feelings over the comfort of your children and soundness of your marriage, I think you should do your husband a favour by informing him of your affair. Possible, go for a divorce so you can freely be with your 'soulmate'. Or do You want to get pregnant for the OM and rope it on your H as did your dad? Pls be human for once and free your husband. In no time, He will find a better person who will love and respect him. I belief that person won't carry the scum you are carrying. Do you want to wait another 10-20years time after wasting most productive part of his life on a sham marriage with you? What a wicked world. Oh! Did you also said that the OM can't get his wife pregnant? Of course it is the wife's fault. The problem in your marriage is due to your husband's fault so also his to his wife's. So, quickly divorce your spouses so you two can have a faultless and blissfull life there after. You have been given useful suggestion here by all the posters but it seems you listing only to your own voice. No body will ever succeed in dissuade you from plying self-destructive path. But pls I am appealing to your right concience if you have 1, set free your husband and your innocent Children. God will always take care of his own. I wish you luck in your me! Me! Me life.

[Sub]

He's let himself go a little bit, but he is an attractive man.

 

Such a simple line, but it says so much. There's always a qualifier when it comes to your BH. It appears impossible for you to just accept him for who he is. You overanalyze everything about him to justify your feelings.

[TwoWaters]

I have sat here for awhile trying to figure out what to post. I am a FWW and so I SHOULD post.

 

But honestly, you remind me so much of myself when I was so full of it you could smell me a mile away I'm not sure what to say.

 

IF you felt real guilt you would end it.

 

IF you respected and loved your husband you would not cheat.

 

IF you were mature you would know "following feelings" is what 13 year olds do

 

This OM is not in love with you. He probably feels like he is. It's chemicals, infatuation, and thrill. That is what you feel also.

 

Love is choice, commitment, unselfishness, honesty. An affair is none of those things.

 

You are going to end up causing more destruction than you can imagine. But I know you do not believe that. Sadly, like me, you will likely have to hit bottom to see it.

 

It makes me sad.

 

I'm sorry.

 

I will read your story.

 

Yes, I kind of feel like a teenager right now. I've caught myself thinking that at times. I'm not completely unaware of it. Driving fast to see my friend, music blasting, I have even gotten a few speeding tickets. And yes, I'm doing all the girly dress-up things I did when I was younger. I'm acting like a true blonde right now.

 

There is maturity to it, too, I feel. When we talk, it's about very real, very deep things. I am honest with him. It's not just flirty texts and "when can I see you next?". It's about what we both want in life.

 

The guilt kills me at times, it really does. I tried to walk away a couple of times, but couldn't. It's like walking away from home. I feel more at home with him than I do in my own home now. I hadn't heard the word addiction applied to an affair until I came on here, but that is what it feels like. I suppose. I don't drink or do drugs.

[BHsigh]

Yes. I have. I'm assuming that you must have experienced this firsthand.

 

I wrote before husband was inside me once when I had already been with my lover the night before. I had washed the night before, but it still felt very strange. It felt vulgar so I have avoided doing that again. But I had been rejecting my husband all week so I felt obliged.

 

My period has been the most reliable excuse. My husband has been tracking it and getting suspicious about why they seem to be closer together and last longer. He knows my body and I know he senses something is amiss, but he knows that I am depressed.

 

You must think I'm evil.

 

Yes I have, and it was a huge red flag and one of the biggest reasons that I caught my wife in her affair, I started to track her periods and found that she lied about them numerous times.

 

You say your husbands tracking your periods? He's already on to you, believe me. I got the early menopause excuse backed up with a family history of early menopause, she told me that early in our relationship too, and I believed her outwardly, but inside? Nope, not one bit. Your husband already has very strong suspicions and you are a fool if you think he doesn't suspect.

 

You're on very limited time here, it's time for you to go confess to your husband and show a little decency towards him, although it's the slightest bit. It is the only way for you to somewhat save your family at this point.

 

He will find out, it's only a matter of time, and the period excuse is a huge red flag. It won't be long now before he catches you and you see true devastation, along with the loss of your fantasy about being friends with him after divorce and keeping the respect of your children.

[BHsigh]

My AP does not have children.

 

He has met my children, just brief hellos when we walk by his studio on the way to somewhere else.

 

I guess I was just looking for general advice, to see if my situation was different than the ones I read about. I kind of wanted to put it all out there and see what I go in return from people who have been there and who have been betrayed as well. Part of me wanted a kick in the butt, to see if I am really being a fool. I wish there were people I could talk to in person.. I'm not really into forums or facebook or anything like that.

 

I was very depressed and sick at the beginning and lost weight and flared up and all sorts of things. I cried for a few days and then tried to arrange time and dates with my husband, but he's so unaware of what's going on it just feels so artificial to me.

 

So the trip seems like a turning point and that's what I need to think about. If I go through with it.

 

There's been some very good advice on here. Thank you. I guess I don't have any more questions..

 

As I always tell any WS, your situation is no different than any other WS's. You feel like POSOM is special as a way of making everything ok, that is all. It's all a fantasy that you are perpetuating.

 

Confess to your hsuband, file for divorce, call and tell POSOM's wife that her husband is having an affair with you and then you'll see how real it is.

[BHsigh]

My AP does not have children.

 

He has met my children, just brief hellos when we walk by his studio on the way to somewhere else.

 

I guess I was just looking for general advice, to see if my situation was different than the ones I read about. I kind of wanted to put it all out there and see what I go in return from people who have been there and who have been betrayed as well. Part of me wanted a kick in the butt, to see if I am really being a fool. I wish there were people I could talk to in person.. I'm not really into forums or facebook or anything like that.

 

I was very depressed and sick at the beginning and lost weight and flared up and all sorts of things. I cried for a few days and then tried to arrange time and dates with my husband, but he's so unaware of what's going on it just feels so artificial to me.

 

So the trip seems like a turning point and that's what I need to think about. If I go through with it.

 

There's been some very good advice on here. Thank you. I guess I don't have any more questions..

 

Of course your husbands acting unaware of what's going on, you're not telling him anything at all.

 

But I can guarantee that he's more aware than you know. Hopefully at this point he is saving up evidence.

[Buckeye2]

I know it's hard thing to understand unless you're in the situation yourself. I just feel more myself around the other man. And not just because he's a new person whom I don't have the daily routine with, but because there's something about HIM specifically. I've never felt this way before. It is just very hard to turn off those other feelings, and to think that I could let something pass by that I would regret for a long time.

 

 

We've been together a number of times, not just a few. The physical chemistry is amazing, but so is the spiritual chemistry. People mock the word "soulmates" but I think we have this word for a reason. If you're really open to love, then it will come to you. I sometimes even wonder if I knew him in a past life, but I know not everyone shares those kinds of beliefs.

 

WOW!! If the above is true you have no choice at all. You and the OM were meant to be together and you would never be complete unless you were.

 

Like the song says: “Like a river flows surely to the sea darling so it goes some things are meant to be. Take my hand, take my whole life too for I can't help falling in love with you.”

 

If your husband and children keep that apart, you will begin to resent them. God might too.

 

On one occasion I had sex with my husband the day after I was with my lover. It made me feel used in a way, and that I had to be there for both men. It was also physically painful, and my husband seems to have noticed that physically things are different during sex.

 

You love the OM so much that your husband is essentially raping you when you have sex. You need to divorce him for his sake. You aren’t doing him any favors by staying with him. Maybe his soul mate is out there or a woman he doesn’t have to rape.

[Charlie Harper]

Your case rings with me, because I has train wreck written all over it.

 

My advice, break it with the Other man for exactly 100 days of nothing no messages, no contact, nada nothing.

 

Then make a decision on it. 100 days is nothing compared to a lifetime of joy for making a right decision ...its a small sacrifice for a person who wants to be happy forever.

 

DO it.

 

You will ring out in less than 100 days the real dimensions of your A and your Marriage.

 

Hope you have the balls to do it, you will thank me later.

[Bryanp]

Does it not bother you that you are putting your husband at risk for STD's and playing him for a complete fool? How would you feel if your husband was having sex with another woman behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's and playing you for a fool? From what you have written I guess your husband would never do that to you because he has too much respect for you. It is very sad that clearly you cannot say the same.

 

This is so obviously a slow train wreck waiting to happen. As the saying goes:

There is nobody as blind as a person who refuses to see. Prepare for you and your husband to be spending a great deal of money on your respective attorney's.

[BHsigh]

Your case rings with me, because I has train wreck written all over it.

 

My advice, break it with the Other man for exactly 100 days of nothing no messages, no contact, nada nothing.

 

Then make a decision on it. 100 days is nothing compared to a lifetime of joy for making a right decision ...its a small sacrifice for a person who wants to be happy forever.

 

DO it.

 

You will ring out in less than 100 days the real dimensions of your A and your Marriage.

 

Hope you have the balls to do it, you will thank me later.

 

I have to add this, in order to truly make a correct decision, you have to be fair to both parties involved before you do this. Living with your husband while doing this will of course skew the results.

 

You need to confess the affair to your husband first, and then live on your own in order to truly make an honest decision. Continuing to hide this from your husband, living with him and trying to separate him from your life at the same time will only make you resent your husband for "trying to be a family" when you're not sure that you want a family with him anymore.

And it won't be his fault, it will be yours for not giving him the truth.

[stillafool]

Try an experiment. Tell the OM that you are divorcing your husband to be with him. See how the OM reacts.

 

Yes, tell the OM the above and tell him you want him to divorce his wife and then sit back and wait for the next bus to drive by so he can throw you under it. Afterall he can't use the "I have to stay for the kids" excuse. Try it and let us know how it pans out. You will get the wake up call, I guarantee it!

[Timmos]

How do you intend on making a fair, unbiased decision on whether to leave your husband for another man, when you're out partying with the other man??

 

My wife has posted twice now. She honestly wishes she could shake it out of you. An older female friend, who had been through the pain of infidelity herself, helped Mrs start to clear her fog. Is there anyone like this who you could speak to?

 

Everything - EVERYTHING - you have said about your husband and your marriage is the same crap I heard for months. He doesn't make enough money. He isn't handy enough. He let himself go. He is too clingy. He won't let me have any privacy/me time/space. I was told that she had been unhappy for years. That she had been thinking of leaving me for seven of the ten years we had been married. After the fog cleared? We had rough spots, but nothing to leave over.

 

This is what will happen: Your husband is going to become suspicious. He will start looking. When this happens, you, out of self preservation, will push back. You will complain about your privacy. You'll change passwords. You'll hide phone calls and delete messages. Your husband will keep pushing. You'll begin to resent him. You will become angry at him for threatening to ruin everything. Arguments will become more and more common. Due to all the added stress, guilt, and fighting, you'll fall even more "in love" with your "soul mate" and your attitude towards your husband will become one of outright (perhaps even admitting it directly to his face) disrespect, detachment, and eventually apathy. Sex will (apparently already has) stop with your husband - you'll tell your POSOM that your husband's touch 'makes you want to shrivel up and be sick.' In the end, he'll figure it out.

 

And when he does, you might just be surprised. "Not approve?" Some of us BHs have reacted far outside of our typical character. One of us on this forum dragged a couch into the yard and set it afire. I imagine most of us resort to picking fights with walls. I ransacked our bedroom and cut a mattress in two. It is such an terrible, gnawing pain, that you will NEVER understand it.

 

Seriously consider what it is you're willing to throw away for a man who is ALREADY cheating on his wife - for the SECOND time. And if your husband doesn't find out first, the OM's wife just might. After all, she has experience.

[Bittersweetie]

I have sat here for awhile trying to figure out what to post. I am a FWW and so I SHOULD post.

 

But honestly, you remind me so much of myself when I was so full of it you could smell me a mile away I'm not sure what to say.

 

IF you felt real guilt you would end it.

 

IF you respected and loved your husband you would not cheat.

 

IF you were mature you would know "following feelings" is what 13 year olds do

 

This OM is not in love with you. He probably feels like he is. It's chemicals, infatuation, and thrill. That is what you feel also.

 

Love is choice, commitment, unselfishness, honesty. An affair is none of those things.

 

You are going to end up causing more destruction than you can imagine. But I know you do not believe that. Sadly, like me, you will likely have to hit bottom to see it.

 

It makes me sad.

 

I just want to second Jane's post. I am a fWW too.

 

Unfortunately unless Waters wants to see the truth and consequences of her actions, wants to live authentically, there is nothing one can say or do to help her. There was a time when someone close to me tried to tell me what I was doing was wrong and hurtful and I blew them off...because I wasn't ready to hear.

 

I wish had listened then though.

 

Good luck Two Waters.

[BHsigh]

Or not. I was completely fooled during 8 months. It didnt matter that there were small changes in the behaviour of my WS, nor that we late in the A stopped having sex. I didnt put 1 + 1 together to make 3. I did not imagine there was a third. My blind trust prevented me from seeing it. Even when I came across a webpage on her iPad about the psychology of infidelity I thought it was about something related to a FRIEND. I only HALF kidding asked about it 2 weeks later. Which is when she decided to sit down and tell me.

 

Well, since you would have been correct, don't you mean "I didnt put 1 + 1 together to make 2" not 3, since that would have been false, but anyways.

 

I am trying to tell her that there is a very good chance that her husband will find out, and am showing her one possible ways based on how I caught my WW. I feel that it is only a matter of time before her husband finds out, and if she truly wants a life with OM and continue to have her childrens respect, then she needs to come clean and make a clean break with her husband before he finds out himself. And based on the sound of it, I'm fairly sure that he will find out, sooner or later. There is another BS after all, and she caught POSOM once before.

 

If you want her to think that she can get away with it then just come right out and say it, maybe you can give her some hints on how to do that, since you're a bs you should know some ways huh.

[DepressedinDenver]

Yes, tell the OM the above and tell him you want him to divorce his wife and then sit back and wait for the next bus to drive by so he can throw you under it. Afterall he can't use the "I have to stay for the kids" excuse. Try it and let us know how it pans out. You will get the wake up call, I guarantee it!

 

I honestly think this is the best advice for the OP to do. She won't do it because deep down she knows OM will probably freak, but its still the best advice.

[Sofie2013]

Thank you Sofie and I'm sorry for what happened to you. I hope you are able to work it out with your husband. I started to tear up thinking about my family.

 

I do know other couples whose relationships started as affairs and they are in love with one another. I don't think it's always doomed to fail. I'm trying to be real about this, but also true to my feelings.

 

In my case I wasn’t so lucky and I most likely won’t be given a chance to save my marriage or family.

 

Could you make it work with your OM maybe you could but at what price. Do you really value a man you only known for a few months more then you children, your marriage? I have read almost every post on this thread and its clear to me and everyone else that you are making the biggest mistake of your life and you don’t even realize it yet. The amount pain you are going to bring the people you love will be unimaginable. The guilty you feel now will pale in comparison to what you feel after everything comes to light. I really don’t know what else I can say to make realize this you are so deep in this affair fog nothing we say will change your mind. It hurts me to see you put yourself through this because I know what’s waiting for you in the end.

[Silveron]

TwoWaters.. just answer me this question. How are you going to feel after your husband finds out and when you see your young child leave with your husband. Make sure you look your child in their eyes and tell them that this was your fault, the reason why he/she cannot see mom half of the time.

 

 

I don't know what else you want from us, we gave you our advice and most of us have been through what you or your husband is going through. We know what works and what doesn't.

[SoulStorm]

I know, I shouldn't have said that. That does make me sound like a ridiculous person.

 

My parent's divorce did have an effect on me. I don't want my children to have to go through that, but in the end I turned out all right. So did my siblings. Obviously I have this flaw, but I do really care and it is tormenting for me, though I know that's offensive for people to hear. I didn't seek out either of these affairs. There are a lot of lows with the highs.

Yes you did. You have to be honest with yourself. If you weren't seeking them, you wouldn't have them. You are seeking them consciously and subconsciously because of your fear of being alone.

Do you not think that your "friend" knows how to spot co-dependent women and fill their heads with how they can depend on him?

You only know of affairs he may have told you about or you found out about, there could be many more. You have just become one of his statistics. How can a married man offer you anything long term?

 

If his wife finds out about you, he may throw you under the bus so fast that lightning will be jealous of the speed of it

[Iguanna]

You know what I'd do? Talk to my husband. Tell him the truth. I'd tell him that I feel I'm having a crash on another man and I don't want to feel this way. I'd tell him I want him (my H) to help me get over it by coming closer to me, by becoming more intimate again like we used to be when we first met. I'd tell him I need his help to regain focus on what is really worth it: my family, him and the kids. This way you are being honest with your H, you are getting a great motive to stop meeting this OM and you are expressing to your H that he has to make some effort as well for this to work. It's a win - win - win situation. Having a crash on someone other than your husband is bad but not as bad as creating an affair and lying. Show your H your weaknesses and I expect him to appreciate the honesty and work with you to save your marriage. I wish you that this story will be well forgotten after 6 months or so. I assure you that after 6 months you will be wondering "what the hell was I thinking, being ready to sacrifice my precious family for another man?". You will see it as we see it now: totally insane idea. Good luck.

[Sub]

You know what I'd do? Talk to my husband. Tell him the truth. I'd tell him that I feel I'm having a crash on another man and I don't want to feel this way. I'd tell him I want him (my H) to help me get over it by coming closer to me, by becoming more intimate again like we used to be when we first met. I'd tell him I need his help to regain focus on what is really worth it: my family, him and the kids. This way you are being honest with your H, you are getting a great motive to stop meeting this OM and you are expressing to your H that he has to make some effort as well for this to work. It's a win - win - win situation. Having a crash on someone other than your husband is bad but not as bad as creating an affair and lying. Show your H your weaknesses and I expect him to appreciate the honesty and work with you to save your marriage. I wish you that this story will be well forgotten after 6 months or so. I assure you that after 6 months you will be wondering "what the hell was I thinking, being ready to sacrifice my precious family for another man?". You will see it as we see it now: totally insane idea. Good luck.

 

But she is having an A. This isn't just a crush. Am I missing something?

[janedoe67]

You know what I'd do? Talk to my husband. Tell him the truth. I'd tell him that I feel I'm having a crash on another man and I don't want to feel this way. I'd tell him I want him (my H) to help me get over it by coming closer to me, by becoming more intimate again like we used to be when we first met. I'd tell him I need his help to regain focus on what is really worth it: my family, him and the kids. This way you are being honest with your H, you are getting a great motive to stop meeting this OM and you are expressing to your H that he has to make some effort as well for this to work. It's a win - win - win situation. Having a crash on someone other than your husband is bad but not as bad as creating an affair and lying. Show your H your weaknesses and I expect him to appreciate the honesty and work with you to save your marriage. I wish you that this story will be well forgotten after 6 months or so. I assure you that after 6 months you will be wondering "what the hell was I thinking, being ready to sacrifice my precious family for another man?". You will see it as we see it now: totally insane idea. Good luck.

 

"Hey, hubby, I gotta be honest here. I'm having an affair. I need you to step up and make it worth my while to stop."

 

Um....no

[Trimmer]

My current relationship has lasted 8 years, and I thought it would be forever. I just don't know if I believe in until death do we part. That we have to be with the same person for the rest of our lives because of honoring commitment as opposed to actually wanting to be with that person.

Ding ding ding! Oh, if this were the "Affair Cliche Drinking Game", we'd all take a shot right now.

 

My husband was not married when we met. He was single.

My apologies to your husband - I got your story confused. Clearly he deserves better than what I implied about him. Yes, he deserves better.

 

You know what I'd do? Talk to my husband. Tell him the truth. I'd tell him that I feel I'm having a crash on another man and I don't want to feel this way..... Having a crash on someone other than your husband is bad but not as bad as creating an affair and lying. Show your H your weaknesses and I expect him to appreciate the honesty and work with you to save your marriage.

Before I give myself a huge bruise on my chin because my jaw dropped open and hit the desk here, can I confirm just to be very clear: are you suggesting that she tell him only that she has a crush on the OM, but not to reveal that she's having an affair?

 

And if that's the case, I'm sure it must have been a mistake on your part that you started out by saying "Tell him the truth. " You must have been starting another, different thought and then switched ideas mid-paragraph, right?

 

Because you can't possibly have said "Tell him the truth," and then go on in the next breath to advise that she fabricate a lie to conceal the truth, unless that had been some kind of an accidental mis-type, mis-print, brain-fart, right?

[TwoWaters]

Based upon everything everyone has written, I am starting to have more doubts than before. I see a lot of hurt people on this board, and I don't want my husband to suffer like that. And he moved to my state to be with me. I have family and friends here, he does not. It would be tough for him.

 

The other reason is from other things I've read, a shadow is cast on the future. I'm not much of a forward thinking gal, and I know that the life I envision with my AP may not meet reality. It's not all the stuff about paying bills, messy house, picking our noses and stuff like that. We are pretty real with each other, that's part of the attraction. In a way, I would look forward to having those moments with him because I think life could go smoother with him.

 

The thing that gnaws at me now is what happens in five to ten years time. Because I look at my history, and I look at his history, and objectively I say to myself, "Will history repeat itself?". I don't think either of us are "players", but perhaps we are the type of people who easily fall in love. And that part scares me. I definitely want a stable life, but at the same time I do love this man. Everyone says you can't just be friends with someone you are having an affair with and I believe that. But cutting him out of my life seems almost impossible at this point.