In love with another man

[TwoWaters]

I agree with you when you say your husband is worthless and his happiness is irrelevant.

 

That's not very fair and it doesn't capture what's going on in my heart.

 

I want my husband to be happy. He deserves to be happy, as do I. As do my children. As does my AP. This is the human condition.. we all want to be happy but we're also guided by what's in our hearts. If I stay, I would want to make up for everything but what if I break things off with my AP and then am resentful at myself or my husband? Then everyone suffers. If I stay, should he know the truth of what happened? Does that help him or hurt him?

[atreides]

And that part scares me. I definitely want a stable life, but at the same time I do love this man. Everyone says you can't just be friends with someone you are having an affair with and I believe that. But cutting him out of my life seems almost impossible at this point.

 

As I stated in my other post, i know you "love" your AP and it feels genuine but I am happy to see the direction even if for a moment you considering to walk on your AP.

 

SO as i said before, it will be one of the more harder things to do in life beyond berating you over this, you will have all kinds of emotion and resentment that will fade I assure you; moreover, at the least you owe it to yourself to walk, be true to yourself first and that is the start of the new road to setting things right.

[miguelcervantes]

I think what you should focus on is the falling out of love part of your (and his) character.

 

We all know what it feels like to fall and then be in love. We ignore "small" faults, we up with uncomfortable situations, we idolise our partner.

 

Then after a little (and sometimes longer) time, we start to not have the same feelings and start to fall out of love and that is why, when we are single, we move on.

 

Now, if anything, you should know about this feeling of falling out of love. It usually happens when either there was never anything there in the first place to be in love with and/or, worse, someone new ("better") comes along.

 

You are at a point where somebody new has come along and "you want your candy/fix/whatever..." But there was a substantial relationship already in place ... for you... but not for him (he had already cheated and was looking for fresh meat - I know you are going to say he is not like that yada yada).

 

So think about the time when you and/or him fall out of love - your husband (who is substantial relationship material i.e. worthy of being in love with) will hopefully have moved on (unless you are keeping him around as Plan B) and found somebody (as you say) worthy of him and who makes him happy. And you might (if you are honest with yourself) regret it.

 

You definitely need to tell your husband and cut him loose if there is an ounce of decency left in you. And then ... you're on your own with your OM ... living in your "easily falling in love" worlds ... and I hope you can find happiness there.

 

If your husband struggles after you tell him, please do send him here.

[TwoWaters]

I think what you should focus on is the falling out of love part of your (and his) character.

 

We all know what it feels like to fall and then be in love. We ignore "small" faults, we up with uncomfortable situations, we idolise our partner.

 

Then after a little (and sometimes longer) time, we start to not have the same feelings and start to fall out of love and that is why, when we are single, we move on.

 

Now, if anything, you should know about this feeling of falling out of love. It usually happens when either there was never anything there in the first place to be in love with and/or, worse, someone new ("better") comes along.

 

You are at a point where somebody new has come along and "you want your candy/fix/whatever..." But there was a substantial relationship already in place ... for you... but not for him (he had already cheated and was looking for fresh meat - I know you are going to say he is not like that yada yada).

 

So think about the time when you and/or him fall out of love - your husband (who is substantial relationship material i.e. worthy of being in love with) will hopefully have moved on (unless you are keeping him around as Plan B) and found somebody (as you say) worthy of him and who makes him happy. And you might (if you are honest with yourself) regret it.

 

You definitely need to tell your husband and cut him loose if there is an ounce of decency left in you. And then ... you're on your own with your OM ... living in your "easily falling in love" worlds ... and I hope you can find happiness there.

 

If your husband struggles after you tell him, please do send him here.

 

All of this makes sense .. we were very much in love for several years, despite some of the minor marital issues I mentioned earlier. We moved around a lot, so perhaps that has given me a sense of instability with him. My AP seems more stable, more established. He owns a home (with his wife) and my H and I are still renting. He owns his own car and my husband and I split one. I feel more secure in a future with my AP in that regard, if I'm honest with myself.

 

The past few weeks have not been good around the home. My husband seems more and more sarcastic and annoying to me, and I've been giving off the same vibes I suppose. Lately it seems like he's given up a bit on trying to keep me trapped in the home, so I don't really know what he's thinking at this point. We had a fight and he said he feels like we are living as two single parents in the same household. He blurted out something about separation, and the only time that has ever come before was several years ago after a fight where neither of us was willing to compromise it seems. In truth, we don't fight that much but when we do, it doesn't seem like we find common ground. He wants us to kiss and make up easily, to talk through it and put it behind us, and if I don't cool off he tends to go off on a walk or give me the silent treatment. I feel when we fight, he has to have his way.

 

I think perhaps I should make another counseling appointment for myself.

[Iguanna]

But she is having an A. This isn't just a crush. Am I missing something?

 

Before I give myself a huge bruise on my chin because my jaw dropped open and hit the desk here, can I confirm just to be very clear: are you suggesting that she tell him only that she has a crush on the OM, but not to reveal that she's having an affair?

 

And if that's the case, I'm sure it must have been a mistake on your part that you started out by saying "Tell him the truth. " You must have been starting another, different thought and then switched ideas mid-paragraph, right?

 

Because you can't possibly have said "Tell him the truth," and then go on in the next breath to advise that she fabricate a lie to conceal the truth, unless that had been some kind of an accidental mis-type, mis-print, brain-fart, right?

 

I'm sorry, I thought she was only starting to fall in love with another man and she was only fantasizing about them being together. I didn't realize she has already an affair with him. Then my comment is irrelevant, sorry.

[TwoWaters]

You need to be in A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP with a person that makes YOU HAPPY to BE THERE. Not because of what they do for you, but how you feel being in that relationship WITH THEM.

 

What is it you really WANT to know?

 

I'm happy with my AP but everyone here tells me it's because I am in some fog.

 

I just want to know which I am going to regret worse. And if *I* can be a person who can be relied upon, in either case.

 

I came across this expression (I think it's a book title) on the web:

"Not bad enough to leave, not good enough to stay"

 

That would describe my marriage.

[harrybrown]

Give your H a choice. Tell him the truth and let him decide.

 

When you cheat, you change the relationship at home.

 

You have not realized that you have put up a wall between you and your spouse. The wall was built with the lies, the cheating, the deception and your feelings for the fantasy of the AP.

 

If you told your H that you did want to separate, because you are not in the marriage, then it would be easier for you to continue to cheat on your H.

 

Do you really think that your AP loves you? Find out, and run away with him.

[Trep]

All of this makes sense .. we were very much in love for several years, despite some of the minor marital issues I mentioned earlier. We moved around a lot, so perhaps that has given me a sense of instability with him. My AP seems more stable, more established. He owns a home (with his wife) and my H and I are still renting. He owns his own car and my husband and I split one. I feel more secure in a future with my AP in that regard, if I'm honest with myself.

 

LOL if you're AP leaves his wife for you he wont own his own home and car anymore, his wife will own both after she takes everything from his cheating ass. So there goes your lame excuse of stability with your AP.

 

How many times do you need to be told by numerous people in this thread who have been through the same exact feelings you're going through only to discover what a huge mistake it all was before you wake up to yourself?

[janedoe67]

we're also guided by what's in our hearts

 

THIS is your problem. This is what 13 year olds do.

 

Our emotions are ever-changing. They just ARE. If you are going to make a new life decision every time your feelings change, you are going to have ca life of chaos.

[MuddyFootprints]

This came across my computer screen recently:

 

Follow your brain. Your heart is stupid as sh*t.

 

Certainly true in my case.

[TwoWaters]

This came across my computer screen recently:

 

Follow your brain. Your heart is stupid as sh*t.

 

Certainly true in my case.

 

Ha! Thank you, I needed that.

[Bryanp]

Why should you be the puppet master and your husband the puppet? Why is it that only you should have all of the relevant information and only you decide what you want to do in your marriage? Tell your husband the truth and let him also decide if he wishes to work on the marriage or not. What you are doing is very cruel. It is not only all about you.

[Friskyone4u]

The problem that it will be impossible to escape from is that at some point your husband IS going to find out, and the more deceived and lied to he feels the worse it is going to be. You will make it much harder to R the longer you continue this and lie and deceive him. If you totally cut this affair off, and could live with the guilt, you might get away with it (doubtful but possible), but each time you sneak off the have sex with AP you get deeper and deeper.

 

You might as well make the decision now on which one you want to be with because it is not going to get easier. Your betrayal of H by keeping him totally in the dark makes me think this will not end well for you.

 

Good luck

[TwoWaters]

The problem that it will be impossible to escape from is that at some point your husband IS going to find out, and the more deceived and lied to he feels the worse it is going to be. You will make it much harder to R the longer you continue this and lie and deceive him. If you totally cut this affair off, and could live with the guilt, you might get away with it (doubtful but possible), but each time you sneak off the have sex with AP you get deeper and deeper.

 

You might as well make the decision now on which one you want to be with because it is not going to get easier. Your betrayal of H by keeping him totally in the dark makes me think this will not end well for you.

 

Good luck

 

I think you are correct. I think it's much better for a person to confess than to be discovered. I'm starting to wonder now if he's checking up on me. If he is, he's very good at hiding it. I don't know.. I think my husband is the type that if he discovered a clue, he would confront me immediately. I think the shock of it would compel him to. He believes in me and that's weighing on my conscience.

 

The more I read in this forum, the more I start to feel like a traitor and a sl*t. I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach today.

[SoulStorm]

I think you are correct. I think it's much better for a person to confess than to be discovered. I'm starting to wonder now if he's checking up on me. If he is, he's very good at hiding it. I don't know.. I think my husband is the type that if he discovered a clue, he would confront me immediately. I think the shock of it would compel him to. He believes in me and that's weighing on my conscience.

 

The more I read in this forum, the more I start to feel like a traitor and a sl*t. I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach today.

 

Yep...You're peeking out of the fog. But it's just a peek. What's really outside of the fog is called remorse. You still can't quite see that yet. When you do, a sick stomach is the least of your problems

[whichwayisup]

Then confess and let the chips fall where they fall.

 

It's obvious you don't believe in your own marriage and want out. So, confess and let your husband be free so he can grieve and move on with his life. You don't love him the way a wife should love her husband. You can't continue on with one foot out the door and live life this way. It's cruel, selfish and damaging.

[JohnReagan10]

I’m going to be frank with you Two Waters, and you aren’t going to like what you hear in the least. Blunt truth however “might” wake you up.

 

First item – I saw you state that you feel you “deserve” to be happy. Let’s go with that for a moment and talk about “deserve”. Your husband deserves better, period, end of story, not even debatable. He deserves to know the truth, and deserves an opportunity to move on and find someone who is worthy of his loyalty. You aren’t it honey.

 

Sorry if that is offensive, but that is my honest heartfelt opinion.

 

Second item – It disgusts me to no end that you would sleep with another man and then sleep with your husband, even two day’s later, or three. It makes you no better than a two dollar whore.

 

Again, sorry if that’s offensive, but that’s how I “feel” about it.

 

Third item – You have a lot of growing up to do. You are selfish, self centered, and undeserving of your husband’s loyalty. This is all about how you feel, and what you think you want. When you grow up, you’ll realize that we often don’t really know what we really want until after the fact.

 

Fourth item – Your marriage likely isn’t going to make it. You have damaged it beyond repair already unless you are willing to live with this secret until the day you die. And know this, even should you choose to carry it with you forever, it will forever haunt your destiny, period, end of story, not even debatable, unless you are some kind of sociopath who has no moral compass.

 

Fifth item – Beauty is a depreciating commodity, and if you still have that, know it becomes worth less and less with every year that passes. Loyalty and a willingness to work through the “hard times”, however is an appreciating asset. Marriage is an investment, and thus far, you are a bad investment for your husband.

 

Sixth item – In my state, the divorce laws have changed, and Fathers are no longer treated as second class citizens. Custody starts with a 50/50 split, and if your husband is guiltless, and not working, you will be paying child support or alimony, possibly both.

 

Seventh item – If you had a shred of decency, you would leave. As stated before, your husband deserves a fresh start with a decent person who won’t backstab him because she feels she “deserves” better. I see no evidence in any of your posts that he has done anything so heinous as to deserve this kind of abject and objective betrayal from the person who vowed to love, honor, and cherish until death do you part. The value of your promise is worth maggot crap.

 

Again, sorry if that’s offensive, but that’s my honest opinion. I pull no punches.

 

Eight item – This other man is a scumbag who is betraying his spouse for the second time if I read your post correctly, and here’s where I agree with you. You certainly “deserve” to be with him, and he “deserves” to be with you. Let me know how he feels in ten or twenty years when your beauty fades and he realized he didn’t make an investment in and individual who had qualities that appreciate as well as depreciate.

 

Ninth item – Kids “deserve” to have parents with integrity, and you don’t have it honey.

 

Last item – Unfortunately “deserve” has nothing to do with anything, however “opportunity” does, and you should give your husband an “opportunity” for a better life than you have provided or ever can after this kind of objective abject betrayal.

 

Good luck to you, I hope you get all you “deserve”.

[TwoWaters]

Then confess and let the chips fall where they fall.

 

It's obvious you don't believe in your own marriage and want out. So, confess and let your husband be free so he can grieve and move on with his life. You don't love him the way a wife should love her husband. You can't continue on with one foot out the door and live life this way. It's cruel, selfish and damaging.

 

I don't think my husband could move on easily. He's dependent on me here - socially, somewhat financially, and his heart would be broken.

 

Is there any way the affair will just "burn out" on its own? Someone mentioned me being the puppet master. I don't feel that way. I feel like someone else is pulling MY strings. I guess it falls under the "if it feels so right, how could it be wrong?"category. Why did I have to meet this man? There MUST be a reason, right? I search for meaning in things. My dreams at night are very explicit.

 

I'm a Libra and I know it's the nurturing love sign. It supposed to be the sign of balance, so sometimes people accuse me of not loving my husband but it's not true. I'm trying to keep these "loves" in balance but it feels like the scale is going to break. I almost wish someone else could make the decision for me.

[janedoe67]

You said a few posts up that you were starting to feel sick to your stomach. I will tell you what I heard on a TV show recently:

 

Embrace the suck.

 

No, really. What you were feeling is you conscience screaming for your attention. Let it be heard. Let it break down your defenses. Then with that humility, go to your husband and tell him what YOU have done. Don't qualify it with something you thought you needed but weren't getting. Just tell him the truth and own it.

 

Then send a message to this OM and tell him that what the two of you are doing is WRONG, and that you are going to reclaim your character, and to please never contact you again.

 

It WILL suck, but underneath will be this weight lifted that you didn't even realize was ther, and you can stop avoiding mirrors.

[JohnReagan10]

Two Waters,

 

If you think your husband won't or can't get over a broken heart, you'd be surprised. He'll get over it, and eventually forget about you. Happens every day all over the world, he's not the exception to the rule.

 

You are also under the "illusion" that he's dependent on you. Given your situation, you'll be paying his rent anyway, so he can take some of that money and swim the dating waters for someone better.

 

He'll move on. Stop lying to yourself and others by stating you won't tell him because of how bad you'll hurt him. You are protecting yourself, that's the truth.

[janedoe67]

Two Waters,

 

If you think your husband won't or can't get over a broken heart, you'd be surprised. He'll get over it, and eventually forget about you. Happens every day all over the world, he's not the exception to the rule.

 

You are also under the "illusion" that he's dependent on you. Given your situation, you'll be paying his rent anyway, so he can take some of that money and swim the dating waters for someone better.

 

He'll move on. Stop lying to yourself and others by stating you won't tell him because of how bad you'll hurt him. You are protecting yourself, that's the truth.

 

This might be blunt, but it is true. The reason we want to keep the secret is not for the BS; it's for US. I tried to tell myself the same thing. But if you have a conscience the secret will eat at you.

 

I also used the "he needs my income and such" excuse as well. I actually convinced myself I was being unselfish?? by staying with him while I was heating instead of divorcing him (my fog knew no bounds).

[TwoWaters]

I’m going to be frank with you Two Waters, and you aren’t going to like what you hear in the least. Blunt truth however “might” wake you up.

 

First item – I saw you state that you feel you “deserve” to be happy. Let’s go with that for a moment and talk about “deserve”. Your husband deserves better, period, end of story, not even debatable. He deserves to know the truth, and deserves an opportunity to move on and find someone who is worthy of his loyalty. You aren’t it honey.

 

Sorry if that is offensive, but that is my honest heartfelt opinion.

 

Second item – It disgusts me to no end that you would sleep with another man and then sleep with your husband, even two day’s later, or three. It makes you no better than a two dollar whore.

 

Again, sorry if that’s offensive, but that’s how I “feel” about it.

 

Third item – You have a lot of growing up to do. You are selfish, self centered, and undeserving of your husband’s loyalty. This is all about how you feel, and what you think you want. When you grow up, you’ll realize that we often don’t really know what we really want until after the fact.

 

Fourth item – Your marriage likely isn’t going to make it. You have damaged it beyond repair already unless you are willing to live with this secret until the day you die. And know this, even should you choose to carry it with you forever, it will forever haunt your destiny, period, end of story, not even debatable, unless you are some kind of sociopath who has no moral compass.

 

Fifth item – Beauty is a depreciating commodity, and if you still have that, know it becomes worth less and less with every year that passes. Loyalty and a willingness to work through the “hard times”, however is an appreciating asset. Marriage is an investment, and thus far, you are a bad investment for your husband.

 

Sixth item – In my state, the divorce laws have changed, and Fathers are no longer treated as second class citizens. Custody starts with a 50/50 split, and if your husband is guiltless, and not working, you will be paying child support or alimony, possibly both.

 

Seventh item – If you had a shred of decency, you would leave. As stated before, your husband deserves a fresh start with a decent person who won’t backstab him because she feels she “deserves” better. I see no evidence in any of your posts that he has done anything so heinous as to deserve this kind of abject and objective betrayal from the person who vowed to love, honor, and cherish until death do you part. The value of your promise is worth maggot crap.

 

Again, sorry if that’s offensive, but that’s my honest opinion. I pull no punches.

 

Eight item – This other man is a scumbag who is betraying his spouse for the second time if I read your post correctly, and here’s where I agree with you. You certainly “deserve” to be with him, and he “deserves” to be with you. Let me know how he feels in ten or twenty years when your beauty fades and he realized he didn’t make an investment in and individual who had qualities that appreciate as well as depreciate.

 

Ninth item – Kids “deserve” to have parents with integrity, and you don’t have it honey.

 

Last item – Unfortunately “deserve” has nothing to do with anything, however “opportunity” does, and you should give your husband an “opportunity” for a better life than you have provided or ever can after this kind of objective abject betrayal.

 

Good luck to you, I hope you get all you “deserve”.

 

 

See, I could see my husband becoming like you and saying something like this to me.

 

My AP? Never.

 

Why are men so brutal? I am SORRY if someone hurt you in your life, but it wasn't me. You don't know me or know my story. I have given a lot of love and patience to my husband. And he just wants to coast in this relationship. I don't want to be in a "grind" my whole marriage. I want someone who just lets me be myself, without me fearing how he's going to react to everything. Maybe YOU are in the position you are in because you took your wife for granted. Men and women aren't the same, you know. I don't see women coming on here and crucifying me. They at least have some empathy. Maybe I don't have as much "character" as you but I was never trying to be Mother Theresa or anything.

 

...

 

I'm sorry, but you were kind of harsh. It's not helpful.

[SoulStorm]

See, I could see my husband becoming like you and saying something like this to me.

 

My AP? Never.

 

Why are men so brutal? I am SORRY if someone hurt you in your life, but it wasn't me. You don't know me or know my story. I have given a lot of love and patience to my husband. And he just wants to coast in this relationship. I don't want to be in a "grind" my whole marriage. I want someone who just lets me be myself, without me fearing how he's going to react to everything. Maybe YOU are in the position you are in because you took your wife for granted. Men and women aren't the same, you know. I don't see women coming on here and crucifying me. They at least have some empathy. Maybe I don't have as much "character" as you but I was never trying to be Mother Theresa or anything.

 

...

 

I'm sorry, but you were kind of harsh. It's not helpful.

 

The point is;

 

What good is your love and patience now? Whatever your husband has done to you, It will dwarfed by the magnitude of your betrayal.

Why are men so brutal?

Men are brutal because that is what we are by nature...we are just taught to curtail it in front of women. Yes, even your AP can be brutal. Look what he is doing to his wife with you. Yes..he is being brutal to her.

I don't see women coming on here and crucifying me

Women tend to be more nurturing by nature.

 

They are crucifying you..it's just subtle.

[JohnReagan10]

Two Waters,

 

I see nothing brutal about my posts. Nowhere did I state anyone should physically assault you.

 

But let’s play this game and go point by point shall we?

 

You said: “Why are men so brutal? I am SORRY if someone hurt you in your life, but it wasn't me. You don't know me or know my story.”

 

Again – nowhere did I state you should be brutalized in any what what-so-ever. However I have an open mind, point me to where I said you should be hurt in any way and I’ll apologize, say you are right for what you’re doing, and move on.

 

Second: I do know your story, I know exactly what you wrote right here, on this board, and described in detail. I go with the facts I have, and those are the facts YOU provided. Anything else I can clear up for you?

 

 

You said” “I have given a lot of love and patience to my husband. And he just wants to coast in this relationship. I don't want to be in a "grind" my whole marriage.”

 

Two points. You’re first sentence is justification for your abject immoral and heinous act. That’s not even debated, but hey, tell yourself whatever you want so that you can sleep at night. Who am I to judge given I don’t “know you”, even though you took the time to explain your situation in some detail.

 

Second point: Not wanting to be in a “grind” this whole marriage is a selfish, self centered statement that is about you, and you alone, no one else. Who said marriage is all peaches and cream all day every day? Again, evidence you need to grow up and mature a bit.

 

You said: “I want someone who just lets me be myself, without me fearing how he's going to react to everything. Maybe YOU are in the position you are in because you took your wife for granted.”

 

Again, this about your own issues and things you need to change about yourself. Fear of how someone is going to react is your own fear issue, not his.

 

Second point: Your comment about my position is a proof surrogate fallacy for which you have no factual basis. Do you know what a logical fallacy is?

 

You said: “Men and women aren't the same, you know. I don't see women coming on here and crucifying me. They at least have some empathy. Maybe I don't have as much "character" as you but I was never trying to be Mother Theresa or anything.”

 

I am well aware of the fact that men and women are different. However those differences do not justify wrong behavior. Wrong behavior is wrong behavior regardless of your sex.

 

Second point: Maybe if you tried emulating “Mother Theresa” you wouldn’t be in the mess you are in today.

 

Last point: There are right things and wrong things in life. You are engaging in a wrong thing, for which I see zero, and I mean zero evidence in any of your posts describing how your husband in any way “deserves” to be subject to this kind of betrayal.

 

Yes I am harsh, the truth often hurts. If I said something untrue, simply point me to it, and I’ll recant it. Simple as that.

 

Don't get mad at me for binging you behavior into the light of day so it's ugliness can be examined for what it is. That's not my issue, it's yours. You own this.

[BHsigh]

See, I could see my husband becoming like you and saying something like this to me.

 

My AP? Never.

 

Why are men so brutal? I am SORRY if someone hurt you in your life, but it wasn't me. You don't know me or know my story. I have given a lot of love and patience to my husband. And he just wants to coast in this relationship. I don't want to be in a "grind" my whole marriage. I want someone who just lets me be myself, without me fearing how he's going to react to everything. Maybe YOU are in the position you are in because you took your wife for granted. Men and women aren't the same, you know. I don't see women coming on here and crucifying me. They at least have some empathy. Maybe I don't have as much "character" as you but I was never trying to be Mother Theresa or anything.

 

...

 

I'm sorry, but you were kind of harsh. It's not helpful.

 

Your AP would never say anything like this to you because he's no better than you, plus he doesn't have to deal with your problems or live with you, he also knows all of the ends and outs about you while your husband doesn't. POSOM can also have his fun with you and send you home.

 

I also find it funny that you expect empathy when you're not willing to show any either. What you are doing to your husband is far worse than anything that anyone on an anonymous forum can do to you.

 

This is endless, you already know what you need to do, there's only three paths for you.

 

(1) Take the cowards path and continue as you are now until it all blows up on it's own.

 

(2) Believe the fantasy of your POSOM, leave your husband to be with POSOM.

 

(3) Take the most honorable path and admit your affair to your husband.

(3a) Finally realize what you've destroyed and hope your husband is willing to reconcile.

(3b) Ask your husband for a divorce, contact POSOM's BS, and openly pursue a true relationship with him.

(3c) Take a break from all relationships and try to find your true self, and a real means to happiness, from within.

 

The third option is what a good person would do, someone that has some empathy. That is really the only true path. And if you truly aren't happy in your marriage, then option (3) and then (3c) is the best path altogether.