Repairing Broken Trust

[moving2fast]

How does one go about mending things in a relationship where there's been a loss of trust due to cheating?

 

Today my bf and I got into an argument today because I received a late Valentine's day gift from someone I cheated on him with. I wasn't expecting the gifts and let him open the package. Once we learned who it was from, he got upset and asks if I was still seeing that guy. I haven't been, he knows I'm hardly ever away from him. He says he can't trust me, and I don't know what to do.

 

I'm trying to get myself in check. He's starting to disapprove of so many things going on and I understand that he has reasons to feel as he does but I want us to be how we were. He withholds physical affection which I need and I know I may sound selfish but I want to know if there's a way I can assure him I am not going to cheat.

Thanks

[tlegend]

How does one go about mending things in a relationship where there's been a loss of trust due to cheating?

 

Today my bf and I got into an argument today because I received a late Valentine's day gift from someone I cheated on him with. I wasn't expecting the gifts and let him open the package. Once we learned who it was from, he got upset and asks if I was still seeing that guy. I haven't been, he knows I'm hardly ever away from him. He says he can't trust me, and I don't know what to do.

 

I'm trying to get myself in check. He's starting to disapprove of so many things going on and I understand that he has reasons to feel as he does but I want us to be how we were. He withholds physical affection which I need and I know I may sound selfish but I want to know if there's a way I can assure him I am not going to cheat.

Thanks

 

I don't know what to tell you. As a man who wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on him, I simply do not know of a way you can tell him you won't cheat and actually have him believe it.

 

Once bitten, twice shy.

[harrybrown]

If you cheated in the past, he may have a hard time believing your words.

 

Your actions may speak more to him than your words. If you want to be with him, ask him what you can do to help him.

 

Getting a present from a former AP will trigger your bf.

 

If you are transparent and let him see your phone, your computer, your email, and your social sites that may help. Let him know how you feel about him in action and in words. Let him know that you want the physical touch.

 

What was the extent of the "cheating"?

 

You can not control his emotions and his triggers, but you can help him and show him your love.

 

You can show him by getting some IC and by reading relationship books about affairs and discuss what you read with him. (try "not just friends")

[moving2fast]

I agree, I can't just say I'm never going to do it again. We seemed to be working together and getting past it but tonight after seeing the gift( which I had no idea would be given) it just made everything an issue again. My bf already knows what I'm doing to rectify things but has been set off by the stupid package. I told him I'd call that guy and tell him not to contact me, but he was so upset he was not open to anything I suggested.

[moving2fast]

If you cheated in the past, he may have a hard time believing your words.

 

Your actions may speak more to him than your words. If you want to be with him, ask him what you can do to help him.

 

Getting a present from a former AP will trigger your bf.

 

If you are transparent and let him see your phone, your computer, your email, and your social sites that may help. Let him know how you feel about him in action and in words. Let him know that you want the physical touch.

 

What was the extent of the "cheating"?

 

You can not control his emotions and his triggers, but you can help him and show him your love.

 

You can show him by getting some IC and by reading relationship books about affairs and discuss what you read with him. (try "not just friends")

 

I am willing to let him see anything, I really haven't spent much time away from him, I work with him, we always spend the night together ( either his place or mine ). I am seeing a therapist and he's been super supportive. I have an unhealthy relationship with sex. It may be part of the reason he isn't as affectionate as I want, maybe also due to the cheating.

 

I cheated( had sex) with several people over a short period of time. The man that sent the gifts was the only one of the several I knew on a good personal level ( we knew each other about two yrs and I was hooking up with him before I met my bf) and I had sex with him more a few times during that period in time I was cheating on my bf.

 

I could try the books, I want him to really know I'm putting in the effort. I really am sorry about the gift too.

Edited February 21, 2014 by moving2fast

[ThatMan]

I agree, I can't just say I'm never going to do it again.

Are you trying to say that you can't promise to never have another affair?

[moving2fast]

No, it's just that I know my words don't carry much weight. Me saying I'm never going to do it again won't mean much to him.

 

I do not want to ever cheat. I am working on it( my behavior) and he knows I have issues with sex.

Edited February 21, 2014 by moving2fast

[Trep]

I don't get it, you said in your old thread that you were a porn star while the two of you were dating and he knew about it. So he was cool with you having sex with other men as long as it was getting filmed?

[ThatMan]

I don't get it, you said in your old thread that you were a porn star while the two of you were dating and he knew about it. So he was cool with you having sex with other men as long as it was getting filmed?

Oh yeah. I forgot about that... I cannot see anything constructive to possibly add other than maybe find a different guy who is more comfortable with this sort of job.

[moving2fast]

I don't get it, you said in your old thread that you were a porn star while the two of you were dating and he knew about it. So he was cool with you having sex with other men as long as it was getting filmed?

 

He knew that was my job, said he accepted it, but after I actually went and filmed something while we were dating it didn't sit well with him. I was also involved with drugs and used after working.

 

The cheating is different from working, we weren't as physical but still were talking so I was being dishonest in all of that. Yes, he knew my job, but he didn't want me to carry on relationships with other men, he wasn't thrilled about my job ( told me I should consider other work but wasn't telling me to quit)but accepted it until after seeing its effects on me. And I stopped it.

[moving2fast]

Oh yeah. I forgot about that... I cannot see anything constructive to possibly add other than maybe find a different guy who is more comfortable with this sort of job.

 

I no longer do it. We talked, decided I should seek some IC, stop doing drugs, stop associating with certain people ( like this particular person who sent the package ), stop this job. There was a timeline for all of this to take place, but it was accelerated by me starting therapy. I work with my bf and have been for near a month.

 

He feels as though I'm still seeing this particular guy because of the gift. I don't know how to clear the air and it is making it harder to talk about things because he's automatically set to say he doesn't trust me to be here or there.

[twosadthings]

You can't change your past no matter how much you wish you could, you can only move forward the way you wished you had. Make sure the sleezy married guy clearly knows you have put him behind you and make that evident to your boyfriend.

 

As far as going forward, your boyfriend, I'm sorry I don't have anything better to call him, needs your working to assure him that you are committed to him. You say you don't know how to make sure he knows you won't cheat but the best way to do that is to be faithful.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

[moving2fast]

I haven't had any run-ins since I confessed to my bf and I've been doing everything I can to prevent any sexual contact with others. My bf should know I didn't do anything else with anyone else, that man included. I only have been apart for him for short periods of time.

 

I know its the gift that has him upset. It wasn't appropriate, I felt awful in making the suggestion he open it. I suggested contacting this man and letting him know that I want nothing more to do with him, but my bf just wasn't hearing it. He just kept on saying he cannot trust me, how can he know I am not still sleeping with the guy? I told him because we are always together. He then points out times I stayed in. He said why would this guy send me anything if i wasn't still seeing him and I really just don't know. I don't know how to prove I am being faithful.

 

He doesn't want to be near me right now, but I feel we should be together so he knows I'm not cheating. He and I did go to work together, he says he's staying here at the office later and I can leave. I don't want to leave and appear suspicious, and really if I did leave I'd have to call a cab because we rode in together.

Edited February 21, 2014 by moving2fast

[KatZee]

Honestly, from the experience of being cheated on and then staying in that relationship, I can tell you that the trust really doesn't come back.

 

I started to "move past" what my ex had done probably 9 months after d-day, but I didn't trust him at all.

 

If he was on his phone, I always tried to strain my eye without him seeing so I could see who he was texting. I'll admit I snooped through his phone a few times because I didn't trust he wasn't still talking to her.

 

It's not a situation I ever want to find myself in again, and the best advice I could give to any cheater/cheatee is that unless you are married and raising kids, break up and move on.

 

It's not a healthy dynamic that you need to be glued to his side 24/7 just so he can have his eye on you. It's not fair to him he's with someone who has so little regard for him or respect for him that she can't refrain from screwing someone else.

 

There is nothing you can really do to help him regain trust. He may tell you a list of things he needs you to do but at the end of the day, he's either going to trust you, or he won't.

 

I told my ex things he needed to do, and despite it all, I still never regained trust. It's something that, once you experience, is something you never forget.

[2sunny]

Call the dude on speaker phone in front of your BF and ask him what reason he thought his gift would be well received.

 

Tell him you're sending it back! Tell him you want nothing to do with him.

[moving2fast]

Honestly, from the experience of being cheated on and then staying in that relationship, I can tell you that the trust really doesn't come back.

 

I started to "move past" what my ex had done probably 9 months after d-day, but I didn't trust him at all.

 

If he was on his phone, I always tried to strain my eye without him seeing so I could see who he was texting. I'll admit I snooped through his phone a few times because I didn't trust he wasn't still talking to her.

 

It's not a situation I ever want to find myself in again, and the best advice I could give to any cheater/cheatee is that unless you are married and raising kids, break up and move on.

 

It's not a healthy dynamic that you need to be glued to his side 24/7 just so he can have his eye on you. It's not fair to him he's with someone who has so little regard for him or respect for him that she can't refrain from screwing someone else.

 

There is nothing you can really do to help him regain trust. He may tell you a list of things he needs you to do but at the end of the day, he's either going to trust you, or he won't.

 

I told my ex things he needed to do, and despite it all, I still never regained trust. It's something that, once you experience, is something you never forget.

 

 

I know that the relationship will not be a very good one if he doesn't trust me and I'm glued to his side. I do not want him feeling as though he has to check on me, but from being near him nearly all the time, I hope that he really knows that I haven't done anything since. I want things to get better. I know I shouldn't be really expecting anything but him to leave.

 

It's not that I didn't respect my bf enough, I just really have a hard time controlling impulses and am doing what I can about getting my sexual compulsions under control. When I get the okay from my therapist, I will be joining a support group, but currently I am not ready for that stage. I would probably start up something, I am easily triggered. It was apparent to him at the very beginning of our relationship that I wasn't like other women he dated, he said he feels guilty for having really let the relationship start off as it did, because he felt like he was taking advantage of the situation. I do respect and care about him, I didn't ever set out to hurt him, and know that I shouldn't have kept secrets from him in the very least, that's what really upsets him, more so than the fact that I slept with those people. Of course that upsets him too, but for a few reasons, not just really for the sex part. I hope that makes sense.

 

 

I am resigned to believe there really isn't anything that I can do. I know I haven't done anything with anyone since, I know I do what I can to avoid temptation, and I have been seeking help. He has been great with it all, I really cannot thank him enough. If he wasn't in my life, I wouldn't be doing any of this, I could have faced early demise, but thanks to him I'm out of that environment and receiving assistance. I really wish there was more that I could do besides what I currently am. Saying sorry, and I'll never do it again don't suffice, he deserves more. He knows I have a lot to work through, but I can't expect to him to pardon everything I've done either.

Edited February 23, 2014 by moving2fast

[moving2fast]

Call the dude on speaker phone in front of your BF and ask him what reason he thought his gift would be well received.

 

Tell him you're sending it back! Tell him you want nothing to do with him.

 

 

I've suggested doing this, and my bf was not wanting to deal with either one of us, though he was around me he just didn't want to talk about that or hardly anything and when I would say something he would be upset and so I just let it go Thursday night and Friday.

 

 

Today, he told me he wanted me to call the guy and that did not go well, it just caused another argument after all of that was done. I called the guy and had it on speaker with my bf standing beside me and asked why the gift was sent. The guy said he sent it because he figured I would enjoy the card and knew I liked doing certain things with him and so it(the gift) would be a good substitute until I can come and get the real thing again. I told him I wasn't going to be doing that, I would no longer be having anything to do with him and that I hadn't been in a while so he should have known better than to send it. I said forget about me and focus on your family. He said he missed me, I told him I have a bf(he already knew this) and that I seriously wanted nothing more to do with him, the gift is in the garbage. He said, oh you'll be back, no one understands me and such like he does, that didn't stop me before, and I said again not to contact me ever again. I had to hang up on him. After all of it my bf was mad at me again.

 

 

I feel like the call made it worse. I hope it was clear to my bf that I hadn't seen that other guy since the last I told him about. The guy was very vulgar on the phone(the gift itself was very inappropriate) which sadly messed up my mood and made it hard to concentrate on talking with my bf after hanging up. My bf is just disgusted with me

 

 

Thursday night, right after opening and seeing everything, I made sure I threw it away. I didn't want to get sucked back into anything and I wanted my bf to know that I didn't want any of that stuff. Nothing I am doing right now seems to matter ;-(

[aliveagain]

Hang in there girl, remember, "It's always darkest before the dawn." You have come a long way, don't give up your worth it.

[moving2fast]

Thank you Aliveagain, it is looking mighty dark right now.

[harrybrown]

Sit down with your bf and tell him how you really feel about him and ask him for some time to show him by your actions.

 

You know you hurt him, you are sorry, and it will take some time, but please ask him to let you try.

 

I hope that you will find some peace soon.

[Damaged217]

As someone who has been on the receiving end of being cheated on, I will tell you that you never fully regain the trust you once had. My ex never physically cheated on me but he was in love with his ex and I found a myspace message where he told her that. I view emotional cheating as worse so maybe I can't compare situations, but I never got over that. I continued to date him for 2.5 years after the incident and I wish I hadn't. It was a complete waste of time to me because I never got over that pain and things were never the same again. I agree with something someone else said on here...something along the lines of if you're not married, then it's best to just break up and move on. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it will probably be the best thing for the both of you.

[moving2fast]

@harrybrown, I did take your advice and we talked while riding home from therapy about what I could do to gain back trust, how I could assure him that I don't want to be unfaithful and haven't been. I told him how I felt about him, how much I love him and appreciate all he has done for me.

 

 

He told me that I cannot really say I love him and mean it because I don't really love myself and still don't respect myself so how can I really respect him? He knows I'm trying, I told him I was and he says he understands that but the last few days have really caused him to question so much. I understand that and suggested breaking up. I told him not to feel obligated in providing employment. I can take care of myself, I don't like us being this way. He says he doesn't want us to break up, breaking up would just be an excuse for me to go backwards.

 

 

I told him he would be happier without me though and he disagreed. He is upset about the relationship I had with that man. After a bit of talking he says he believes it really did stop as I said but fears I could easily get sucked back into it again because of the way I am. Not that he's solely angry with me for my actions, he knows I am trying to get it addressed, but the fact that I didn't tell him right away about any of those people I was sleeping with as soon as it happened and that I had meet up with this man a few times really bothers him. He says that guy has no respect for me, sending what he did talking to me the way he did and that I didn't have much respect either in that I allowed it.

 

 

He says he doesn't trust me like he wants to, but I understand the factors in it. He wants to, and wants to give me a shot in regaining trust, he just hasn't explained how I will be able to do it. I don't associate with many people anymore, I am almost always with him. I was talking about when I get the okay to join a particular support group how he would feel about that, he wasn't happy. I can't join now, but if I could, he wouldn't trust me. I hope when I am able to, he is better able to trust me. I do not want to cheat on him.

[tlegend]

@harrybrown, I did take your advice and we talked while riding home from therapy about what I could do to gain back trust, how I could assure him that I don't want to be unfaithful and haven't been. I told him how I felt about him, how much I love him and appreciate all he has done for me.

 

 

He told me that I cannot really say I love him and mean it because I don't really love myself and still don't respect myself so how can I really respect him? He knows I'm trying, I told him I was and he says he understands that but the last few days have really caused him to question so much. I understand that and suggested breaking up. I told him not to feel obligated in providing employment. I can take care of myself, I don't like us being this way. He says he doesn't want us to break up, breaking up would just be an excuse for me to go backwards.

 

 

I told him he would be happier without me though and he disagreed. He is upset about the relationship I had with that man. After a bit of talking he says he believes it really did stop as I said but fears I could easily get sucked back into it again because of the way I am. Not that he's solely angry with me for my actions, he knows I am trying to get it addressed, but the fact that I didn't tell him right away about any of those people I was sleeping with as soon as it happened and that I had meet up with this man a few times really bothers him. He says that guy has no respect for me, sending what he did talking to me the way he did and that I didn't have much respect either in that I allowed it.

 

 

He says he doesn't trust me like he wants to, but I understand the factors in it. He wants to, and wants to give me a shot in regaining trust, he just hasn't explained how I will be able to do it. I don't associate with many people anymore, I am almost always with him. I was talking about when I get the okay to join a particular support group how he would feel about that, he wasn't happy. I can't join now, but if I could, he wouldn't trust me. I hope when I am able to, he is better able to trust me. I do not want to cheat on him.

 

Seriously though. Is it worth it?

 

I mean, he sounds like a great friend. However, if this is what you envision when you say the word "relationship" out loud to yourself, then continue.

 

I think he should cut you some slack. He chose to stay with you and he chose to help you work through your issues. By constantly hanging this over your head, neither of you will move forward to the solution.

 

Regaining trust is most certainly hard. You do have to live your life as an open book. However, he must make the leap of faith to trust you again, or this is just going to be a long drawn out breakup.

 

My 2 cents.

[moving2fast]

I feel as though this relationship is worth it. I don't have much experience in serious relationships though so I may be mistaken. I think he is wonderful, he treats me better than anyone else ever has. There is so much good between us, I hate how my actions are tarnishing everything.

 

I don't mind being an open book, I want him to know I'm being true. I hope that he's able to get past this quickly, I don't want us to break up. I don't want him to always have this guard up around me.

 

We used to be very affectionate, very active but now not as much and I feel guilty for always requesting it. I know shouldn't be asking, that's the selfishness I have.

 

I guess I want to say even if we never get back to the way our relationship was, and he never fully trusts me, I wouldn't want us to end. If he wants to leave me, I would understand, and not fight it. I want him to be happy, I don't feel as though I really make him happy, but he says I do so I won't leave. Maybe he'll change his mind.

[Kate9292]

I feel as though this relationship is worth it. I don't have much experience in serious relationships though so I may be mistaken. I think he is wonderful, he treats me better than anyone else ever has. There is so much good between us, I hate how my actions are tarnishing everything.

 

I don't mind being an open book, I want him to know I'm being true. I hope that he's able to get past this quickly, I don't want us to break up. I don't want him to always have this guard up around me.

 

We used to be very affectionate, very active but now not as much and I feel guilty for always requesting it. I know shouldn't be asking, that's the selfishness I have.

 

I guess I want to say even if we never get back to the way our relationship was, and he never fully trusts me, I wouldn't want us to end. If he wants to leave me, I would understand, and not fight it. I want him to be happy, I don't feel as though I really make him happy, but he says I do so I won't leave. Maybe he'll change his mind.

 

It is very worth it. He motivates you to improve. Stick by his side.

 

Do you want to be where you were before? Would you rather be instead with him? If so, just stick to it. It may not be easy but it is worth it. He knows your problems and still wants you, he sounds like a great guy.