How do I avoid being emotionally needy and making someone the center of my life?

[katiebour]

Well-

My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years is in the process of breaking up with me (I think.) He and I have not had much of a physical relationship for a long time, and he became irritated at my presence and my efforts to find things to do together or to share his activities. He's been depressed for a while; I suggested we/he go see a counselor, which he will be doing sometime in the next week or so. He kept bringing up seeing a counselor, which led last night to a discussion of what he wants to discuss with them- leading up to a long talk and a long list of his resentments against me. He then said "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" (read some posts on that topic already) and talking about breaking up. He says he isn't sure what he wants, and so is going to talk to the counselor before making a decision. I am destroyed by all of this. In any case, whether we stay together or break up is all up to him right now- I feel like a prisoner on death row, praying for a reprieve. I saw a counselor in person today and will continue to go over the next couple weeks, maybe longer as needed. I'm working through this and trying to function. My main purpose in writing this is to look for some advice on how I can avoid the pitfalls that have led me to this point. Specifically:

 

One- I have been, in both this relationship and my one prior relationship, emotionally needy. I like to spend time with my significant other, talking, cuddling, playing computer games, and I have a hard time being by myself. I am constantly seeking the affection and attention of my partner- nothing would make me happier than when he was with me. I recognized this trait at the end of my last relationship, but despite my efforts I haven't been able to make it better. I try reading books, doing housework; whatever I can to give him space. But it's hard to tell myself not to seek his company and affection. I don't have and have never had a driver's license, which can make getting around town to try and pick up interests of my own difficult. And usually if I am craving his company, going out only makes me miss it more, and I don't enjoy myself. In the case of my current boyfriend (ex?) I tried to become interested in his hobbies, so that we could share them. Bowling, martial arts, an online computer game- I tried to share it with him. Last night, during our talk, he said that he felt like he had no activities of his own any more. So my questions are:

 

Anyone have any tips on how to learn to be content with one's own company even if a partner is around?

 

Is it unrealistic to expect a partner to want to spend the bulk of their free time with you?

 

Two- I built my life around this man. Whenever I daydreamed, it would be about how we were going to get married, buy a house, have children, get old together. My day-to-day goal was to please him, which I tried to do by cleaning/cooking and so on. Now that we're on the verge of breaking up, I feel like I've lost my center and purpose in life. I'm in a graduate program but at the moment I feel like I could care less about it (although before all this happened I was enjoying it- but then again it was all part of my "Life Plan," which was going so well...) I don't want to do anything at all. I don't feel like eating, I can't sleep, one minute I'm thinking about how I want him to stay, the next I'm crying, the next I'm trying to establish a new "Life Plan," hoping to meet a new man who will want me the way that this one doesn't, the next minute I'm thinking I never want to be with another man again, the next minute I'm thinking how nice it would be to jump off a tall building and end it all, and then I cycle back to praying for that reprieve. This kind of relates to being emotionally needy- my question here is:

 

How can I figure out what it is I want to do with my life?

 

Any tips on how to avoid making another person the center of my life?

 

Thanks for any comments/suggestions/tips.

[Devildog]

If I may ask a question, how long did you wait in between relationships? Did you spend any time after the first relationship ended to find yourself? That is a big thing you need to do. You can not rely on someone else to entertain, amuse or make you happy. That needs to come from within you. If this relationship does end, I seriously suggest you take several months to possibly a year off from rrelationships and find yourself. Get your own interests and hobbies and things you enjoy doing. That way when you do get into another relationship you won't have to rely on the guy to entertain you.

[scariiee]

I know how you are feeling because I am having this trouble too, only I am the one who is thinking of bagging the relationship. I even waited over a year after my last relationship, planning to never be emotionally attached to this point ever again, but here I am. All I can say is it does get easier if you work on it.

 

If you have other friends you can do things with, start getting out a bit. Even if you go hang out at the coffee shop with a girlfriend for a couple hours, or like I do sometimes I'll grab my camera and drive off somewhere to take some photos, my favorite are local cemeteries with nice statues. I'll stay away for a couple or sometimes more hours at a time when we would normally be doing things together. In my case, he just expects to do everything together too, so it's not easy detaching without hurting his feelings but I'm putting myself first for a change.

 

I know how hard it is, but don't give up. Once you start breaking away for your own fun once in a while it becomes easier and easier to not worry about what they're doing or thinking or anything else. A little girltalk goes a long way, so hopefully you have someone you can hang out with and talk to. I have a close friend who always happens to be in a relationship crisis at the same time I am so we always joke with each other when we start calling a lot because we know one of us is in trouble. We're going to an Irish pub later this week to drink pints and listen to live music...something he would have always gone along with before but now I'm glad he's not going and I probably won't miss him either.

 

Good luck

 

scariiee

[moimeme]

Anyone have any tips on how to learn to be content with one's own company even if a partner is around?

 

If you can't enjoy anything unless you have company, that's a problem. The trick might be to allow yourself to become immersed in what you're doing - whether it's a hobby or some form of entertainment - rather than remaining withdrawn and buried in your thoughts about how you wish someone else were there. In short, forget about you.

 

Is it unrealistic to expect a partner to want to spend the bulk of their free time with you?

 

Depends on the partner. People have different companionship needs. I suspect that if a couple's needs are very different, that may spell disaster for the relationship. However, there are few humans who can bear being someone's sole source of entertainment. That's too much pressure on anybody. If this relationship ends, you might find someone who likes more companionship, but you still need to learn to enjoy life by yourself.

 

Don't jump into another relationship. Go out (take the bus!). Participate in events. Join groups. Make friends and learn to do things on your own and enjoy them for a year or so before you go hunting again. You'll be glad you did.

[Isabella82]

I would just like to say that when I was reading your post I feel exactly the sameway. I centered my whole life around my exes, I too did not drive, and he would take me where ever I needed to go. It wasn't like he had to....it was just us spending time together. After we broke up I felt like I lost everything.

 

This has been a big problem of mine, my ex before him I was the sameway, very needy. I tried changing this by being single for a little bit over a year. I am just like you, I hate being by myself. Especially now at night because I miss my ex. When I was single for the whole year I got comfortable with just being by myself for the most part, but as soon as I got another boyfriend it started all up again.

 

I am trying to think of ways to not be like this again. Everyone always says to go find yourself. I just don't really know what they mean sometimes. My brother said to me I need to cope better with situations, so thats what I am trying to do. I am trying to cope better. I'm trying to realize that in love noting is a guarantee, and in life everything always changes.

 

At times I feel like I will never open my heart up ever again, but that is the risk we all take when we fall in love. I just have to keep reminding myself that I had a life before him and I can have a life after him, and I try to go out with my friends as much as possible, and I try to stay focued on getting my undergrad.....even though I failed classes because of the break up. Kind of ruined my concentration for a little while.

 

About your question about wheher it was unrealistic to spend your whole time with your significant other. I don't think its unrealistic my ex and I spent all our free time with eachother. I think that for most people if you are in love you want to spend a lot of time with eachother. But its bad to do that because you no longer have your own life. I gave up all my friends to be with my ex, after we broke up, there I was calling all my friends.

 

You have to be able to go out and have fun with your friends, and him do the samething. What I would do is I would go out with my friends, but the whole time I would wish he was there, or I couldn't wait until we were done so I could go home and see him....

 

Now when I go out with my friends I realize how fun and in some cases howmuch more fun I have with just my friends.

[len586]

"I'm in a graduate program but at the moment I feel like I could care less about it (although before all this happened I was enjoying it- but then again it was all part of my "Life Plan," which was going so well...) I don't want to do anything at all. I don't feel like eating, I can't sleep, one minute I'm thinking about how I want him to stay, the next I'm crying, the next I'm trying to establish a new "Life Plan," hoping to meet a new man who will want me the way that this one doesn't, the next minute I'm thinking I never want to be with another man again, the next minute I'm thinking how nice it would be to jump off a tall building and end it all, and then I cycle back to praying for that reprieve."

 

Hey , I honestly don't even know what this website is all about. I just did some search today on yahoo looking for something that could maybe help with me with dealing with what's going on in my life. I read this part of your message and it was just striking how well it describes my exact feelings with just reversing the gender situation. It was about a week ago when my girlfriend of 3 years decided to say that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me anymore. She admits that she still loves me, but isn't sure she's "in love with me." We're both graduating college within a year so there's a lot of upcoming stressful changes in our lives. She justs says she's really confused about everything right now and need times to figure things out by herself which I respect. I recommended her seeing a psychologist; she has an appointment next week. I've gone through break ups with other girls before but because of them cheating or it was just obvious things couldn't work out and I've managed to deal with it relatively easily and move on. In this case, the relationship seemed to still be going good after 3 years. We both were often busy with school and work and would only see each other once a week on average, so we spent a lot of time on our own, but we would still talk on the phone everyday.

 

In the meantime while she's "figuring things out" I don't know what to do with myself. I'm sure everything's over and she tells to try and get on with my life, but I just can't seem to. I normally eat about 5 or 6 times a day because of my weight training, but now I can't eat at all, and if I try it just seems to make my stomach feel worse. It's like a have constant headache, my eyes are sore, and my heart often pounds. It seems my whole body's falling apart. It's too hard fall asleep since I can't go 2 seconds without thinking about her. All I want to do is pick up the phone and call. I try so hard to force myself not too, and she hardly ever answers or she'll just say "i'm sorry." General advice is that "healing takes time" or "go out and do stuff with friends." I do things but only wanting to just end up going back home and wanting to call her and see her again. I just seem to have lost all interest in everything. I was always content by myself. Just knowing that I was so lucky to have such a special person and that I'd be able to see her on the weekend or talk to her before bed was a great feeling. I just dont know what to do with myself.

 

I haven't given any advice but my answers to some of your questions is that there is no easy way of discovering what exactly you want with your life, and when you do think one day u have it figured out, it's likely to change. We're all in a constant state of change in some way or another. The answers to most of the questions you seek are more philosophical and less definitive.

 

Anyways I don't know even know what i'm talking about I hope you feel better Katie and.

[Isabella82]

I was exactly the sameway, I couldn't eat, I went down to 95lbs.....im only 5'2. I couldn't concentrate I wanted to drop out of college...and I'm a senior. I was going crazy. I would often hypervenilate, and I just couldn't enjoy myself. He was on my mind 24/7. Couldn't sleep because all my dreams were about us getting back together, and I would wake up feeling like crap.

 

Its been about 9 months since the break up and I am doing better. I am back at my normal wieght, and I am graduating in May, but the pain is still there. I too have this "life plan" that I thought I was doing such a good job at. I was in college and in my 2nd serious relationship that I thought would last forever. We had all these plans about what we were going to do after college, which wasn't far away. Now I feel like I do not know what I am going to do. I have totally lost my life plan.

 

I am glad I am not the only one that feels this way. I have always thought that you know around 23....24 was a good age to marry, which was my plan......26-27 good age to have children. But like my mom always says to me it all happens on its own times tables, not ours.

 

All this that I had planned out was just thrown out the door. I don't think people really have to power to plan their life out when it comes to some situations.

 

It does get better as time goes on, and some heal quicker then others. I am still not over my ex at all, but I know that we will never be together ever again, because I can not trust him anymore. So even though I love him, I love him for the person he was not the person he became. I love this person that doesn't even exist. And I am trying my best to move on.

 

I know this doesn't help but lets just say that your ex came back to you and said to you that he made a mistake, would you actually want to be with someone that changes their mind about how much they love you. The whole time you would be wondering when they would leave again. I think that once someone says its over, no matter how much you try it could never be the same ever again. Love does not hurt.

[katiebour]

First of all, thanks all so much for your caring responses.

 

He did break up with me when he came back from counseling. He said this was the only way for him to be happy.

 

God that hurts.

 

The man I love, have cherished, adored, woken up every morning next to and thanked my lucky stars that he was with me can never be happy with me.

 

He says I'm a loving and caring person, and that he cares for me.

 

I don't understand why he doesn't love me anymore.

 

But I am trying to be strong- I'm going apartment hunting this weekend and will hopefully move by the following weekend.

 

He doesn't seem to be affected or care about any of this- that hurts a lot too. I guess it shows that he doesn't love me anymore.

 

I waver between thoughts of trying to pick up a relationship right away, just to have someone to love me again, and never seeing anyone again, because sooner or later they will stop loving me too.

 

I know that a new relationship is no good for a long, long time until I learn to love myself.

 

But I don't love myself. I couldn't hang on to the love of my life- I wasn't a good enough person to keep his love. How can I love myself?

 

Once I get my own place I'm gonna try and get involved in some of my hobbies- taking singing lessons again, do some ballroom dancing. My mother's going to help me get my driver's license by the end of February and hopefully in a few months I'll be able to get a car. I was able to go and student-teach today and have a fairly normal schoolday.

 

But all of this feels so pointless right now. I feel like these are all things I SHOULD have done earlier so that he would still love me. I find myself wondering if I become more independent, if I get a license, if I get my degree and job, maybe he'll love me again. But to hell with him. I'm going to try and do this for myself.

 

But you made a great point, Isabella. "lets just say that your ex came back to you and said to you that he made a mistake, would you actually want to be with someone that changes their mind about how much they love you. The whole time you would be wondering when they would leave again."

 

I don't think I could ever trust him again. I don't feel like I can trust anyone ever right now. I'm sure that feeling will pass- but the thought of the long, long years ahead, alone, make me so sad. It's kind of a catch-22. If I love someone again, they will probably end up leaving me again. But I can't be alone for the rest of my life- if that's my fate I'd rather just end my life now and be done with it.

 

I was talking to my mom yesterday- she's been very supportive. She told me, "there's someone out there who will love you just the way you are. You don't have to earn it." But my mother is also 3 times married and divorced- not a model of successful relationships. I don't know if I believe that statement- I mean, isn't a part of loving someone trying to be the best person you can?

 

And what about committment? What is love except committment? I've heard that after 2 or 3 years the "honeymoon" feeling wears off, and it's then that you have to exchange romantic love for companionate love. And I think you have to be willing to work at it. My now-ex just gave up. I would have done anything at all- couples counseling, some time apart, anything. But he doesn't want to try. He just wants to give up on 3 1/2 years together. We went through so much- 9/11, me working overseas for a year, having an unexpected pregnancy and making the decision not to go through with it, of being extremely poor- we made it through all of this and he's giving up now? Why wouldn't he want to try? He says that he cares for me- if you care for someone you have to do everything you can before you give up, right? Those are just my thoughts anyway.

 

God I miss him so bad. I wish I could wake up, next to him, put my arm around him and snuggle- give him a kiss and cherish the joy of just being with him. It's like he died and I never got the chance to say goodbye, except that he's still here. I can see him, hear him, even talk to him- but I can't ever experience being loved by him again. I wish I could ask him to snuggle me one last time, but I think he'd be uncomfortable with it and it's probably not healthy anyway.

 

Anyway, that's what's going on. I bought some moving boxes and am going to start packing this weekend. I've got some new books to read, just read "The Da Vinci Code" and got totally lost in it- wasn't hurting about him for a change. Gonna definitely read some more books.

 

Hugs to you all and I hope that by sharing all our pain we lessen it. I look forward to talking more with all of you. Please continue to write- it helps to know that I'm not the only person who's ever been through this.

[Isabella82]

"If I love someone again, they will probably end up leaving me again. But I can't be alone for the rest of my life- if that's my fate I'd rather just end my life now and be done with it."

 

I feel the same exact way.

[len586]

I know what you mean Katie. They're there physically, but you look into their eyes and it's not them or you hear their voice on the phone but it's like a dream and it's not the voice you know. Your mom seems to have good advice. Relationships require a lot of hard work at times but true love for someone should not need work at all.

 

Think about it for a second, if you got a license maybe he'd love you again? If you had some plastic card with your name on it that said you could drive a car, does that change who you are? Should that have any impact on whether a person loves someone or not?

 

You are who you are, not what a piece of paper says or what job you have; it obvious to me just from reading what you've written shows that you are a very nice and caring person and there is someone out there that will love u for everything you are.

 

I can relate how to everything feels hopeless and just think about all of the things I could've tried to do leading up to the point that could've changed the situation. I can't imagine ever loving someone like I do her. I seems so hopeless, like I'll be alone for a long time if not for the rest of my life. But realistically it's not your fault for what happened. I know you'll find happiness again as things change. It's just so hard. I don't even know how I can get out of bed in the morning and go through the entire day in helpless pain, but there is hope in all of us. There's a reason we wake up in the morning, get dressed, face the day and go on, we just may not know it yet until one day it'll surprise us and we'll understand why we did.

[poister]

I know that a new relationship is no good for a long, long time until I learn to love myself.

 

But I don't love myself. I couldn't hang on to the love of my life- I wasn't a good enough person to keep his love. How can I love myself?

 

Whoa! Katie - I know it's super easy to feel this way right now, but you have to try to realize that the end of your relationship does not indicate that you are not a good person. Even the most amazingly good ppl in the world get dumped sometimes.

 

You seem like a great person, so don't give that thought credence.

 

I was recently in a similar situation, and had a lot of difficulty finding a way to "find myself." Can I suggest taking up a sporting activity? You'll be distracted, learn skills, meet ppl with whom you have something in common, plus get the natural "high" of physical activity. Though it might be difficult to motivate yourself to attend the activity originally, you might find it becomes a high point of your day. Plus, my VB team, for example, always goes to the pub after a game, so there's a built in social activity that also helps.

 

Best of luck, keep up your courage.

[Tony]

KATIE WRITES: "I don't understand why he doesn't love me anymore."

 

That's pretty easy. A lot of men don't want to be smothered by somebody who wants them around all the time and offers them sincere love. They would be happier with a bitxh. This happens all the time with some people who are too kind, too sweet, too dedicated and too available.

 

If you find someone who is sane and who is used to a healthy relationship, you will fare a lot better. If you want this particular guy, go to Hogwarts School of Bitches and Bitchery and he'll be yours forevermore.

 

If you really think about it, you may be the type of lady who would reject a guy who was totally attentive. Sometimes we want what we think we want but we reject it when we get it. You seemed quite happy when he was around, even though he wasn't into the relationship nearly as much as yourself. What makes you think you would be happy if he changed into what you think you want?

[katiebour]

"If you really think about it, you may be the type of lady who would reject a guy who was totally attentive. Sometimes we want what we think we want but we reject it when we get it."

 

I appreciate your input Tony. Neither of my two boyfriends was very attentive once the first few months passed, so I don't know whether I'd reject an attentive guy. I honestly think I'd be bowled over if I was with someone who wanted to pay as much attention to me as I did to him.

 

"You seemed quite happy when he was around, even though he wasn't into the relationship nearly as much as yourself. What makes you think you would be happy if he changed into what you think you want?"

 

I wasn't happy in the relationship- I felt alone and neglected emotionally and physically. I guess that should be a heads-up for me that I am not losing as much as I thought I was with the end of this relationship. But I guess I can qualify it by saying that I was happy with his personality- outgoing, charming, very funny, and when he was with me and paying attention to me I felt like I was on cloud 9. When he wasn't paying attention to me (he would go play the computer for hours at a time to escape my company) I felt very sad and alone. I think there's probably some addiction going on with me- I craved his company and how happy it made me feel, and when he wasn't around, I spent all my time missing him and trying to get his attention and love. I think I wanted to believe that he was into our relationship, because the alternative was to leave him and be totally alone and without him, which is where I'm at now.

 

Gah I sound sick. I really need to learn how to be alone.

 

But thanks for your input- I really appreciate it. It helps me to think through this whole thing.

 

OK all, off to pack my stuff.

[confused in cloud 9]

hi im 25 and my girl is 46(21 yrs difference), we live togetherand i am a very emotionally needy person, we have been together for close to 2 years(my longest yet) and after about a year the heat of things started dwindling down and i tried ot hang on to it for the life of me, and for the past year, i have occasionally brought it up and we would talk about it but not until last night did i realise that i am an emotionally needy person(or should i say did i acknowledge that i am) i would tell her how i wished she would come up to me and hold me more often, kiss me more often and after sex, cuddle with me instead of just jumping right back into the swing of life, well it bothers her that i am trying ot hang on to these things that have died out. i understand that because i know it cant stay like that forever, but my mind wants it to, i figured i am an emotionally needy person because my parents werent anywhere near what qualifies as "good parents" i was not allowed to go outside and have fun as a kid, i was kept indoors while my sister was allowed ot do what ever she wanted to do and their reason was they were afraid something would happen to me, i was disciplined for just being a kid, i was kept indoors all the time and was bored off my as*( when i say disciplined i mean spanked bare-as*ed whipped with belts, sent to bed without a meal when i was "being bad" and forced ot eat my food when i wasnt hungry) i was rarely told that i was loved by them, never held and cuddled or kissed on the forehead, (well up to the age of 4 they did stuff like that and then it suddenly quit), as i got older my mother became disabled and my dad took care of her, and then suddenly it became my responsibility, my dad lost his job and fell into a rut and we became homeless cuz he wouldnt go out and get a job well i hold him solely responsible for that, well by the age of 22 i had met my girlfriend (i was trying really hard ot find my identity i was goth, always chaning my hair color or shaving my head or growing it long, i was going through a serious identity crisis, and she helped me with that, i now dress "normal", and i appreciate it soo much that she took the time ot help me find myself and through the course of the 2 yrs we have been together she has progressively helped me with all that comes with finding who i am, but right now we have hit a brick wall, because i am needing something that i should have gotten as a child, and the burden has fallen on her and it has began to wear on her too, i dont want to lose her and i want ot learn how to cope with my emotional nediness, any suggestions?

[confusedoncloud9]

hi im 25 and my girl is 46(21 yrs difference), we live togetherand i am a very emotionally needy person, we have been together for close to 2 years(my longest yet) and after about a year the heat of things started dwindling down and i tried ot hang on to it for the life of me, and for the past year, i have occasionally brought it up and we would talk about it but not until last night did i realise that i am an emotionally needy person(or should i say did i acknowledge that i am) i would tell her how i wished she would come up to me and hold me more often, kiss me more often and after sex, cuddle with me instead of just jumping right back into the swing of life, well it bothers her that i am trying ot hang on to these things that have died out. i understand that because i know it cant stay like that forever, but my mind wants it to, i figured i am an emotionally needy person because my parents werent anywhere near what qualifies as "good parents" i was not allowed to go outside and have fun as a kid, i was kept indoors while my sister was allowed ot do what ever she wanted to do and their reason was they were afraid something would happen to me, i was disciplined for just being a kid, i was kept indoors all the time and was bored off my as*( when i say disciplined i mean spanked bare-as*ed whipped with belts, sent to bed without a meal when i was "being bad" and forced ot eat my food when i wasnt hungry) i was rarely told that i was loved by them, never held and cuddled or kissed on the forehead, (well up to the age of 4 they did stuff like that and then it suddenly quit), as i got older my mother became disabled and my dad took care of her, and then suddenly it became my responsibility, my dad lost his job and fell into a rut and we became homeless cuz he wouldnt go out and get a job well i hold him solely responsible for that, well by the age of 22 i had met my girlfriend (i was trying really hard ot find my identity i was goth, always chaning my hair color or shaving my head or growing it long, i was going through a serious identity crisis, and she helped me with that, i now dress "normal", and i appreciate it soo much that she took the time ot help me find myself and through the course of the 2 yrs we have been together she has progressively helped me with all that comes with finding who i am, but right now we have hit a brick wall, because i am needing something that i should have gotten as a child, and the burden has fallen on her and it has began to wear on her too, i dont want to lose her and i want ot learn how to cope with my emotional nediness, any suggestions?

[katiebour]

Haven't seen this for 8 months- wow. Well, confused, here's what I have to say-

 

After the breakup with my ex, everything basically fell apart, and I ended up moving to South Dakota in June. Luckily for me, a wonderful person was waiting for me here, and we've been together for about 2 months.

 

I was lonely and bitter for about 4 months following the breakup; it took me another 2 to regain even a semblance of normalcy. I did learn how to be by myself; I can handle that now, even though my preference is to be with my dear person.

 

Being able to drive and having a full-time job have helped; my boyfriend and I don't see each other a lot due to work etc, so when we do we make it count.

 

My conclusion as of right now is that people have different emotional requirements in a relationship, and being with someone who is more independent and needs more alone time than you do is simply a recipe for heartbreak.

 

My father and my stepmother have been married for almost 20 years, and they still act as though they're in that "newlywed" stage; hugging, kissing, holding hands, saying embarrassingly sweet things to each other, etc. When I asked my father how they maintain that feeling, he said that when my mother divorced him, he looked specifically for someone who was as "needy" as he was.

 

My current boyfriend has always been labeled "needy" by the girls he dates- meaning that he loves snuggling, croodling, kissing, calling each other pet names, blowing kisses back and forth, and spending almost every free moment together as much as I do. When we first started dating, we established that both of us are that way, which is part of why we are so happy together.

 

I can't say for sure if it will last- after all, 2 months is still early on in the relationship. But my last ex was already pushing me away at this point. I have high hopes with my current sweetie.

 

You can't make a person be affectionate or loving with you, or spend time with you, if they don't want to. It's my guess that this is something that has to come naturally, otherwise it creates resentment.

 

I know that doesn't help much with your current situation; I've been there, though, and there really isn't much you can do. Trying not to want someone's attention and affection is like trying to tell yourself "don't think of pink elephants- don't think of pink elephants." Of course you're going to think of them. In the past hobbies and activities taking me away from my significant other have been at best a distraction. But it's hard to feel whole-heartedly consumed by a hobby when you will drop it in an instant to be with your loved one.

 

Unfortunately I don't have anything to offer except my sympathy- I hope that you manage to work things out somehow.

[confusedoncloud9]

you are so right katie, i for the last year like i said have been trying ot hang on to what wasnt there, and in doing that, i smothered the love out of her, last night she told me the same your ex told you(after i flat out asked her in my most serious tone without sounding like a di*k), i love you but arent in love with you, but you see, i seen that already, but would ignore it, and would question that to her, saying i think you are falling out of love with me, what caused it? finances, i didnt work like you didnt, us being in eachothers mugs 24/7, the fact i had nowhere to go without a car and no friends being i am from out of state(we met online) and my smothering her with my love and my discontentment with my love not being well recieved, she wanted me to be content, but wasnt willing ot change a part of her that would have made me content, which i was, until the mood changed, and i noticed it right off the bat, well like i said i flat out asked her lastnight, why dont you show me any affection anymore? Have you fallen out of love with me? and for some stupid reason the answer devistated me. we didnt argue, we talked from 1120 to about 230am i think it devistated me cuz i didnt want to accept it, and when it was finaly was in the open the reality struck me. im going back home as soon as i possibly can and we will remain friends, but the part of me that isnt willing ot let it go is hoping that her feelings will come flooding back ot her, and it may, i feel like a puppet but its hard not to when u love someone as much as i do. she has put more money into me than anyone she ever has anyone else, and that was a recipe for destruction since she didnt want me working and me not having any friends around here, and how important money was ot her, she also couldnt ignore my faults like i could her, the only faults i couldnt ignore were my emotional needs not being met, my recreational activities i wanted ot do with her not being met (playing pool and goin ot the movies) i did everything with her she wanted ot do, and nothing i wanted to, it all boils down to this, it was more her relationship that it was mine, and i resented her for that, and resentments are another relationship killer, but i knew that already, i just ignored about her what i didnt like and she couldnt do the same, because her love was not unconditional like mine was, oh another thing she thought was enough for me, was material objects, she fed me clothed me, supported my addictions(cigs and pot)::blushes:: but that wasnt i would have rather been shown affection than be fed or have cigs to smoke or a bowl to smoke, and she was too independent. another thing, when we first got together i was showered with her love and i became very contented with that cuz no one had ever shown me the affection she had, ::sobs:: oh yeah and another thing, she had an ex that i reminded her of, and around thanksgiving of last year, he called her and i went home for about a week because she couldnt tel him im in a relationship now thats goin good, she still loves him i know she does and i loathe her for that...

 

i love her and hope she realizes that she can love me again,

 

things just havent been the same for a while and i need to get over it

 

wel i am at a loss for word now so i geuss ill leave this where its at for now

[katiebour]

Sorry to hear about the discussion you had confused, I've been there and I remember how much it hurts. It's hard to hear the most painful truth in the world- that someone you love doesn't love you. Not much I can offer you; here, have a bunny.

 

Moving back to where my folks are, getting a job and a car have been some of the most positive changes for me. I hope that moving turns out to be a positive experience for you too.

 

Get yourself squared away so that you can support yourself- get a job and a car. Depending on another person for financial support or transportation can, as you and I well know, lead to resentment.

 

The biggest plus in the relationship I'm currently in is that my boyfriend is as "needy" as I am; spending time with each other comes first on our preferred list of things to do. Keep that in mind when you eventually hit the dating pool again. Don't go by the honeymoon feeling of the first days/weeks/months; go by what they tell you when you have those "past relationship" discussions.

 

But right now just focus on taking care of yourself; things for the next few months are going to be rough emotionally for you. I highly recommend this book, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love":

 

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0931580439/qid=1127421178/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-0444140-3364925?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

 

It's kind of a post-break-up survival manual.

 

Take care.