Tikund Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 What a disappointment. I had not heard from her for twenty years. At that time she was a secretary in a commodities firm living in Toronto. I was on the west coast in Victoria. I won't say our time together was ideal. We had grown-up together in Montreal, and she was my first but I was not hers. She was two years older than me and I got to know her through my sister who she was high school class mates with. I remember her being real smart, got honors in all her courses, competed on "reach for the top" and liked to laugh. I felt her "joi d vivre" (joy in living) and we had a few good times together. Ten years passed and she came to visit me in Victoria, I had moved there to get away from a city that was exacting a toll on me both culturally and morally. I think I appealed to her sympathy because we spent an hour sitting on the couch looking at each other and making light conversation when i said," we never had it this bad did we?" meaning the tension between us was intolerable. We made love then and there. We made love several more times over the next few days before stopping to change the subject She left to go back to Toronto later that week, and I hadn't heard from her since. Recently I learned that she is an author and a professor at a respected university in Toronto. I tried to contact her but she was too busy. That hurts, and worse is that I can look back on my life till now and see how I have let women put me and my needs on hold, over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 Sorry.. I couldn't understand at this point in time, how long has it actually been since the 2 of you last saw each other? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 Originally posted by Tikund She left to go back to Toronto later that week, and I hadn't heard from her since. Recently I learned that she is an author and a professor at a respected university in Toronto. I tried to contact her but she was too busy. That hurts, and worse is that I can look back on my life till now and see how I have let women put me and my needs on hold, over and over. I'm not sure what you mean when you say "she was too busy." Did she respond to say in effect that she doesn't have the time to correspond with you? Or is it that she hasn't responded to your email as quickly or effusively as you were hoping? Ten years have gone by after all. And some people truly are too busy to get back right away to someone they're a) not close to and b) haven't heard from in a long time. I emailed a long-lost friend a few weeks ago, and haven't heard back from her yet. Maybe I won't ever hear from her. We never had a falling out, but on the other hand it's been at least ten years since we communicated. I've had friends from high school get in touch with me, but it's been so long, and my life is so different from theirs, and I'm pretty busy... so after a "hey how are you, I'll write sometime soon" response, I must admit that I haven't followed up. It's nothing personal, but they're not very relevant to my life now, and I have limited time. It sounds like you had great expectations for renewing a connection with this woman. Why is it so important to you? I also don't quite understand what you mean when you say that women have put you and your needs on hold -- are the women you're referring to women with whom you had relationships that would lead you to reasonably expect them to take your needs into account? From what you described about your romantic interlude with this woman when she came to visit you ten years ago, it sounds like you had a brief sexual affair, but there was no promise, at least from her, that it would ever become more than that. Unrequited love/infatuation is usually painful. One thing that might help you to figure things out for yourself is to explore why you've held onto the idea of this woman being a significant figure in your life, when the two of you haven't seen each other in a decade. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tikund Posted January 20, 2005 Author Share Posted January 20, 2005 It has been twenty years. She replied to two messages, with a hi, back at you type and then a I'm really too busy, getting sick from a reoccuring condition, have a new boy friend, yada yada. I think that is great. I didn't stick around waiting for her, I got married. But people are worth more than that. I just wanted to exchange e-mails. I feel used. I feel like I'm trying to talk to the prime minister or something. I understand her new love is demanding but what is it about women that they have to love exclusivly. Is that what men are looking for? I know I'm on to something that can't be handled in anything less than an objective manner. I am too emotional right now. I would cry but it just takes too much energy. I feel so deflated. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 Originally posted by Tikund It has been twenty years. She replied to two messages, with a hi, back at you type and then a I'm really too busy, getting sick from a reoccuring condition, have a new boy friend, yada yada. I think that is great. I didn't stick around waiting for her, I got married. But people are worth more than that. I just wanted to exchange e-mails. I feel used. I feel like I'm trying to talk to the prime minister or something. I understand her new love is demanding but what is it about women that they have to love exclusivly. Is that what men are looking for? I know I'm on to something that can't be handled in anything less than an objective manner. I am too emotional right now. I would cry but it just takes too much energy. I feel so deflated. You feel used? I just don't get this. There was never a real relationship between the two of you, it sounds like you had a fling. I don't understand why you think that a woman you haven't seen for twenty years owes you anything. If you're going through a rough patch right now, it's perfectly fine to reach out to people from your past to see if they can cheer you up, help you gain new perspective, open new doors, whatever -- but you have to expect that they might not be situated to help you. If they can great, but if not, you can't hold it against them. So you once knew/slept with someone who has since achieved a measure of success and possibly fame in her field. Why does that oblige her to correspond with you? Is this woman obliged to communicate with everyone she ever knew in the past? Should her best friend from kindergarten expect her to want to get together for drinks? It sounds to me like you've got an agenda for wanting to interact with this woman. She's not responding as you'd like, so you're accusing her of being too absorbed in her life, too involved with her new love, etc. I've already asked why you feel the need to communicate with her. Ask yourself this as well: what would she get out of communicating with you? How do you intersect with her life right now? It sounds like you don't at all. So is your wish to communicate with her really about her, the person she is (you don't know her!), her needs and interests... or is it about needs that you have? You've already kind of acknowledged that it's about your needs. The question is why you think she has any obligation to you. It sounds like you're in a place right now in your own life where you need to expand your social circle, enact some change, etc. And maybe reaching out to this woman is your way of doing so; but it looks like nothing is going to come of that. Fine, you tried one route, it was a dead end. Don't take it personally. Instead try to figure out what you're trying to accomplish. What parts of your life do you seek to transform? What were you hoping might result from a renewed connection with her? Were you hoping she could give you a career boost somehow? Were you hoping she would become romantically involved with you? Etc. Whatever you were hoping would come out of interacting with her, you can still pursue on your own. If you've found yourself without friends or confidants right now, you can cultivate new connections, preferably with people who are more relevant to your life right now, and you to theirs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tikund Posted January 20, 2005 Author Share Posted January 20, 2005 She would not want to go for drinks now. I caught her at a bad time, I persisted to get replies, I feel like a jerk but I have to learn, after twenty years, to let go. My problem is I won't accept that it was only a fling. To her it was significant enough to stay with me for a week while we were thousands of mile apart. But lest i read more into that than was really there, I will just let it drop. Thanks for being objective with me. I hope I can return the favour (favor) soon. Link to post Share on other sites
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