Staying in a mundane marriage or starting at the beginning with my Notebook first lov

[Notebook]

This is so hard for me to wrap my head around... I have recently been speaking to a former boyfriend of 2 years who we both feel we were the love of each others lives in many ways. We broke up because we were young and working in different cities. Since then - in 6 years - he has a daughter and recently split with his fiancé.. And I have been in a mediocre marriage for the past 3.5 years.

 

3 Main reasons why it's not working:

1. Money - he spends more than he makes on take out, gas, just bad spending habits.

2. His sheer laziness around the house - too many examples to name, but essentially lacking pride in ownership.

3. Lack of communication - never being open to wanting a real conversation, most big talks are over text.. Wtf?!

 

Main reasons I feel I should leave...

1. I can move back home to be closer to my family (2 hour drive)

2. I can potentially re-start a life with a man who I have literally been dreaming about for 6 years since we broke up

3. As hard as it would be to find a new job and place to live, at least all I have to do is worry about my own money and financial picture and not feel stressed out about trying to mother and take care of my husband in turn having him resent me for "nagging" at him for always over spending.

 

There are a few things hindering me, but mainly;

1. We have a 16 month old daughter - I worry about the transition for her and the custody issue..

2. We have 2 dogs

3. We own a house and all good and bad debts are in both of our names

4. I am able to work part time and spend a lot of time with my daughter (that was a decision we both wanted so I would be raising our daughter as much as possible)

5. I want to expand my family with more kids, but am afraid that I would feel this way in 5 yrs and have more kids and make it even harder to leave.

 

Any advice, words of wisdom?? I am literally going insane.

 

I told my husband I want a separation yesterday and he got really upset and then I said I was sorry. Today he's acting like we aren't really going forward with this because he loves me too much. I guess in a way if my "notebook love" wasn't in the picture it would be a lot easier to stay... But at the same time, I have been dreaming and thinking about him for years and kind of feel like I should go back to him. I say "notebook" because if you have seen that movie when Rachel mcAdams ultimately leaves her husband to go back to Ryan Gosling, because they were always meant to be.. I literally feel like that is my life right now. The only difference.. I have a child to consider, that always is and always will be my top priority and need to keep her future in my best interest.

[Notebook]

I should also mention that we have gone to marriage counselling a few times over the past year, almost called it quits at Christmas this year and last... And I went to therapy in my own just 5 months after we were married due to the beginning of financial stress and just not connecting well...

[RightThere]

You're not "connecting well" because you're not actually committed to your marriage. You've got your other guy on the side, so it's impossible for you to actually work 100% on your marriage.

 

Go and be with your other guy. There is no point in working half on your marriage. Get all in or all out.

 

You are imagining all the good things about being in a relationship with your other guy, so you won't be able to kick them unless you actually do it and get a dose of reality from it. Otherwise you'll just keep living the fantasy in your head.

 

And none of your reasons for staying have anything to do with loving your husband. So get out of the relationship. Go and live out the movie that is playing in your head. That is the only way you are going to understand.

Edited February 21, 2014 by RightThere

[Yarrow]

Ask yourself if you would leave if you didn't think you had this old flame waiting in the wings. If things are so bad that you know you would be happier alone that with your husband, then you may be at a point where you have to do what you have to do. If you think that you can jump from your husband to your ex-boyfriend, you are living in fantasyland and you should just go read some more romance novels and live vicariously through those instead. This will not end with happily ever after.

[health]

Ask yourself if you would leave if you didn't think you had this old flame waiting in the wings. If things are so bad that you know you would be happier alone that with your husband, then you may be at a point where you have to do what you have to do. If you think that you can jump from your husband to your ex-boyfriend, you are living in fantasyland and you should just go read some more romance novels and live vicariously through those instead. This will not end with happily ever after.

 

 

Very well said.

 

Notebook - I was thinking the same thing. You're basing your plan on a Hollywood story that has no basis in reality at all. I would say exactly what Yarrow said.

[trippi1432]

Notebook - Just to let you know, I'm a woman posting on your thread so you don't feel the opinions here are just male based on your thread.

 

The Notebook - It was a beautiful movie...those intimate little moments where she remembered him and his dedication to her and waiting for those intimate moments that became even more fleeting over time. My grandmother had AZ, I think people forget what the actual message of that movie was and over romanticize it. I'll never forget how she looked at me and smiled and laughed when I sang to her to get her to walk across the floor to her chair. I also remember how she thought I was some country singer she liked..how she would clapped and hum along..until her mind went completely. She died in my mom's arms...she never knew a "Home"..she died at home where she wanted to be.

 

There were just those few fleeting moments when they remembered you...so now this guy from your past comes along (and it didn't work out for one reason or another) in the midst of his divorce, needy and wanting some validation.............and you make a list. You should have been making that list before you got married and had a child with your husband to be honest.

 

I may need to see this other movie to input more, Ryan Gossling is a cutie....and I'm sure the guys sway over Rachel McAdams because she is a hottie..oh the on-screen romance, it's such an endorphin. Real life could be like that if we ever appreciated what was in our lives...but that takes two people and, in love, it seems one person or the other has to sacrifice...well, that's Hollywood.

 

Perhaps you should make an alter list: Why I fell in love with my husband and got married. If the marriage is "mundane" that's on BOTH of you...you both have the power to shake things up a bit, enjoy life and each other.

 

Such a logical list devoid of emotion....shame. And you like romantic movies....maybe it's because you have sold into Hollywood to write your own scripts for you.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Don't confuse the fantasy of the movies with the reality of real life. This relationship with ex is the fantasy of what could have been. The character in the movie didn't have a child that would have to be shuttled between houses 2 hours away for the next 17 years. This marriage seems to have been in trouble from the get go and needs work from both of you.

 

My advice is this finish one relationship before you start another. You need to sit down with husband and have a real heart to heart conversation. You need to say what needs are not being met and he needs to do the same. Then you two need a plan for how you are going to fix this problem. He needs to know you are serious and if he doesn't want to work to fix it then you will do what you have to do. I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both of you work at this. Your husband needs to get off the couch, you don't want to be his mother and tell him what to do, you want to be his partner in life. You need to put ex out of your head until this marriage is over. Finish one relationship before starting another.

Edited February 23, 2014 by Oberfeldwebel