Hurtful words

[Honeybee]

When my boyfriend and I split up, I felt I had no closure. It was totally unexpected. I knew he had things on his mind that were bothering him, but I didn't think he'd split up with me because of it. I never did anything wrong to him, nor him to me, and we really had a great relationship. He just couldn't handle things.

 

I rang him a week or so later because I wanted to be able to move on with my life. I stupidly wanted answers. I certainly was not calling to get back together with him.

 

During this phone call, he managed to say quite a few things that really hurt my feelings. He was basically a real ars*hole about it. We spoke to each other for 3.5 hours. He listened to everything I said, I listened to him, but not once during the whole time I have known him, as he ever disregarded my feelings like he did by the way he some things to me.

 

2 days later, I received an apology. He thought it would be easier for me to move on if I could hate him. Well, sorry sunshine, but it doesn't work like that for me. I know people who it works for, but not me.

 

Why do people behave like this? Is it emotional immaturity on his behalf? He's 4 years younger than me. Damn, it really hurt me though.

[Tony T]

Funny you should bring this up. I have found that many ladies, once they want to conclude a relationship, go into autobxtch pilot. They start saying and doing hurtful things to somehow drive the other person away. I think it may very well be because there is no particular reason for them to want to conclude the relationship...each has been nice and kind to the other up to that point...they just don't feel fulfilled and they want to move on.

 

Sometimes they have someone else coming into their lives and they don't want any interference with that.

 

I think that's what you guy was doing in this last conversation. He was being quite honest when he said he was being nasty to try to make it easier for you. I'm sure he still loves and cares for you but for any one of a billion human reasons he just doesn't want to carry the relationship forward. He may not be able to put his finger directly on the reason himself. He would have probably told you if he had an interest in someone else...but that really makes no difference at this point.

 

Very often people are in great, wonderful relationships but there is just one little something missing, they can't put their hands on it, and it just seems pretty stupid to end the relationship but they feel they must. That's when they bring the bxtch or the arshole out...to alienate the other...to drive them away.

 

So it doesn't work for you. What's a guy to do? I think he would prefer not to shoot you or burn your house down. Most people really don't like it when someone is nasty to them...so you aren't that way. Let him know what he has to do for you to forget him...because that's what he wants and needs at this particular time.

 

I think you need to get the message here and march on. This has nothing to do with you at all, NOTHING. There are just some things in life we'll never understand.

[David]

I've been there too. Although I was the one who broke up with her. Then a few months later, I wanted her back. I called her and she didn't even sound like the same person. Insulted me soooooo bad. It really hurt.

 

Who knows, in women this may be some type of instinctual response. It really works too!

 

For me, what this did, was shatter all my illusions of love. The reality of the situation smacks you right in the face. Her insults did help me get over her though. Made me realize she changed. Imagine that, my hardest heartache ever, and I'm the one who ended it! Isn't that irony or something?

[sparkle]

Re:

During this phone call, he managed to say quite a few things that really hurt my feelings. He was basically a real ars*hole about it. We spoke to each other for 3.5 hours. He listened

You can't really blame him completely for the hurtful things he said. After all, you were fully capable of ending the conversation at any point you wanted, before it dragged on for 3.5 hours. Usually a good time to end it is before you "allow" your feelings to be hurt by what he's saying.

 

I've always had a problem understanding why it's after you break up with someone that they'll really actually try to start communicating with you. And why people tend to drag on the breakup process.

 

Whenever I've broken up with someone, I've almost always made up my mind that's what I want to do. And at that point, the last thing I wanted to hear was him telling me his feelings and asking 'what went wrong' etc etc or even talking about the relationship after the fact.

 

Unfortunately, that's what happened and a couple times I felt that the only way I could get this person to back off was for him to dislike me as much as I did. So I tried to behave like a b*tch (and that's a difficult thing for me to do).

 

Anyhow, it does not matter WHY he broke up with you, only that it's happened, and even though it's difficult, you just have to make yourself accept this fact and move on.

[Tryst]

I've always had a problem understanding why

it's after you break up with someone that they'll really actually try to start communicating with you. And why people tend to drag on the breakup process.

Tell me about it

 

I agree with you and Tony on this. I have just broken up with a divorcee after 8 weeks of seeing her every day and it's been an uphill struggle all the way. She was the one who felt nothing for me but wouldn't let me go, phone calls and SMS texts on my mobile. I wanted to break as friends since I still love her but I've had to forget that idea by being a complete a**h*** to stop her dragging it out.

 

Most people like myself need time to get over it. Some can do it quickly and others take a bit longer. Either way they need the time away from the other person to begin to heal the wounds that are caused by a breakup. Nobody can break up with someone and not feel sorry for them in some way, we all know how it feels to be on the receiving end.

 

If they are going to give you reasons, they will in time. If not, it's often reasons that would hurt you if they told you. It's not a good idea to start digging, you might find something you didn't want. Let it go, move on and chalk it up to experience.