Stranger516 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I've been with my boyfriend since I was 17, I am now 24. He is 26. We've always talked about getting married and having kids. We just recently finally moved in together. I have no idea on when he will propose and I get depressed thinking of when. I will be done with nursing school in 1 year. He is already working full time. I have no idea on when and he refuses to give me an answer. He says he "does not want to come up with some arbitrary date." This has caused some serious fights and has made me go off on him numerous times. Eventually I cool off and just forget about it. My friend from nursing school just got engaged and it made me so jealous and angry that I told my BF that he must not love me enough after 7 years to want to be with me, and that meanwhile my friend from nursing school is getting married to someone she doesn't even live with yet and to someone she has been with for half the time we have been together. I was telling him that if he doesn't want to get married by next year I will leave him blah bla blah (Saying things purely out of anger, I didn't mean any of it). Anyway - the next day after things cooled off and I apologized for saying mean things to him, we went out to dinner. At dinner he said "we will get married as I have told you a million times, but you getting crazy and angry every other day about it will only hurt our relationship." My thing is- why should I have to endlessly wait? Why is it okay for him not to give me a date on when? Am I asking for too much? Is it because of the fact that I've asked him 1,000,000 times that I am sounding too desperate now? Do I push back the clock every time we argue about it? It's my life too, not just his. I try so hard to keep my bitterness inside. It is very hard when something wedding/engagement related comes up in conversation/TV/movies or ANYTHING. It just reminds me that I feel like I am with someone who is stringing me along and will never marry me. He has asked me what type of ring I like, he has always said he wants a big family (4-5 kids), he has talked to his co-worker about getting married..... but when? Why is it so hard to tell me? For all I know it wont happen until I'm 30+. I love him no matter what, but the fact that he is taking his time to propose makes me feel worthless. The only reason why I want to get married at this point is because I feel like it will show me he really truly does want to be with me forever. What is he waiting for????? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Is marriage something you think you should do? Have you ever dated anyone else? Did you do anything on your own or accomplish anything like education or career satisfaction? Travel or goals? Why are you in a hurry to settle down with a man who doesn't want too ettle down with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stranger516 Posted February 22, 2014 Author Share Posted February 22, 2014 Is marriage something you think you should do? Have you ever dated anyone else? Did you do anything on your own or accomplish anything like education or career satisfaction? Travel or goals? Why are you in a hurry to settle down with a man who doesn't want too ettle down with you? He is the only one I've been with. As I said I am currently in nursing school, we travel two times a year as it is. As of now my only goal is to be an RN. I don't see what this has to do with me expecting my BF of 7 years to propose...... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I've been with my boyfriend since I was 17, I am now 24. He is 26. We've always talked about getting married and having kids. We just recently finally moved in together. I have no idea on when he will propose and I get depressed thinking of when. I will be done with nursing school in 1 year. He is already working full time. I have no idea on when and he refuses to give me an answer. He says he "does not want to come up with some arbitrary date." This has caused some serious fights and has made me go off on him numerous times. Eventually I cool off and just forget about it. My friend from nursing school just got engaged and it made me so jealous and angry that I told my BF that he must not love me enough after 7 years to want to be with me, and that meanwhile my friend from nursing school is getting married to someone she doesn't even live with yet and to someone she has been with for half the time we have been together. I was telling him that if he doesn't want to get married by next year I will leave him blah bla blah (Saying things purely out of anger, I didn't mean any of it). Anyway - the next day after things cooled off and I apologized for saying mean things to him, we went out to dinner. At dinner he said "we will get married as I have told you a million times, but you getting crazy and angry every other day about it will only hurt our relationship." My thing is- why should I have to endlessly wait? Why is it okay for him not to give me a date on when? Am I asking for too much? Is it because of the fact that I've asked him 1,000,000 times that I am sounding too desperate now? Do I push back the clock every time we argue about it? It's my life too, not just his. I try so hard to keep my bitterness inside. It is very hard when something wedding/engagement related comes up in conversation/TV/movies or ANYTHING. It just reminds me that I feel like I am with someone who is stringing me along and will never marry me. He has asked me what type of ring I like, he has always said he wants a big family (4-5 kids), he has talked to his co-worker about getting married..... but when? Why is it so hard to tell me? For all I know it wont happen until I'm 30+. I love him no matter what, but the fact that he is taking his time to propose makes me feel worthless. The only reason why I want to get married at this point is because I feel like it will show me he really truly does want to be with me forever. What is he waiting for????? Have you come out and asked him this question? How does he respond? I understand your frustration because I've been in a similar position. It's not easy, I know. But I can promise you that coming at him aggressively or in anger will not get the response you want or the answers you are seeking. He will react defensively and it will only breed resentment. You and your boyfriend need to have a calm and very honest discussion about your future. After 7 years, you have a right to know if you're both still on the same page. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 The reason I asked is because maybe you are just wanting that proposal because it seems like the logical next step to your marriage, two kids, a picket fence and a dog dream you have...and maybe you don't know what you want because this is all you know. OTOH, if he hasn't proposed by now, it is because he doesn't want to. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 It really doesn't sound promising at all, esp if you felt forced to use an ultimatum on him. I think if I had to do then the relationship would be over. It sounds like he would never propose nor even mention the topic without you reminding him . Unfortunately, you're proposing to yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 not. gonna. happen. when you look back you'll be pretty upset you wasted so much time on one guy. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 (edited) not. gonna. happen. when you look back you'll be pretty upset you wasted so much time on one guy.Yeah. If the OP wants kids, then she's wasting time waiting for that proposal with a man that's a waffler. There is no need for a man to get all defensive if he wanted to propose. More than likely men that want to, would have done it already with a woman reminding them nor giving ultimatums. OP, don't waste your 20's on someone that has to keeping promising and don't tell you a specific date. Someone who isn't afraid of that topic would be straight foward without getting upset. Edited February 22, 2014 by samsungxoxo 4 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 The reason I asked is because maybe you are just wanting that proposal because it seems like the logical next step to your marriage, two kids, a picket fence and a dog dream you have...and maybe you don't know what you want because this is all you know. OTOH, if he hasn't proposed by now, it is because he doesn't want to. After 7-years(!?!?!?!!)....he has doubts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissMonicaC Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 It is possible. I've been with my guy for almost 10 years, I am 27. We got together at 17 and became teen parents. We've been non traditional for sure.. But he just popped the question a couple of months ago. But just in my opinion.. Do you want to get married, to be married, for the wedding, or do you feel the pressure because of the amount of time you guys have been together without the marriage certification? Link to post Share on other sites
EverLastluv Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Why live together if he did not proposed yet ?? Thats the bigest mistake you made. Now that you live together he would care less about marriage cause he thinks he got you under his wings. From what you saying, you ask him so many times and still he did not come up with what you want to hear then its better you start looking for a way out ..... move out! keep dating him until he figure out what he wants. My fiance wants to live together but I refused! Because of him never planning a wedding date. I dont even think he wants to marry ever. He just want to live together 4 ever without marriage. He proposed with a ring thinking that would lead him to move together. Trust me I would never ever live with him If he dont marry me. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 (edited) Sounds like he POSSIBLY doesn't want to get married right now. Or maybe........ he just needs to realize he is about to truly LOSE YOU because marriage is FUNDAMENTALLY IMPORTANT to you........ Have a calm talk very soon, tell him that engagement and marriage are extremely important to you, and that, after 7 years of this, you have realized that you are no longer willing to wait for his 'mysterious time frame' of when he plans to pop the question, because it isn't good for you mental health, and you are putting yourself at risk of serious anxiety and depression due to this continual state of limbo he seems to enjoy. Tell him you want to be engaged in the next month (no extremely expensive ring required, you can upgrade the ring later) with a firm marriage date in the next 6 months (same deal, if money is tight, have a small wedding), or else you are ending the relationship and moving on. Period, end of story. And then do so (move on) if he isn't willing to follow through. You will find out where his head is at, by the actions he takes. If he doesn't follow through, he is not the one for you, is what the Universe is telling you. All the best to you dear. Edited April 13, 2014 by Forever Learning 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cynicalme Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 7 years? ugh. Just tell him since you two have different visions of marriage, it was a mistake to move in together. If he ever decided to change his mind, to let you know. And leave him your forwarding address. And no, this is not an ultimatum. It's you taking responsibility for your own life decisions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 7 years? ugh. Just tell him since you two have different visions of marriage, it was a mistake to move in together. If he ever decided to change his mind, to let you know. And leave him your forwarding address. And no, this is not an ultimatum. It's you taking responsibility for your own life decisions. Freaking AWESOME advice Love it! Link to post Share on other sites
atlg8r Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 I would be a little concerned if you even know for sure he's the type of man you want to marry. It sounds like you started dating so young and now it's been so long that you just expect that to be the next step. Maybe he is having thoughts about whether he wanted to experience other things and people, too. Be careful you are not more in love with the idea of getting married than you are with him as a person. Link to post Share on other sites
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