mishka329 Posted February 22, 2014 Posted February 22, 2014 So, the short of it is: I broke up with my bf of 2 years around Christmas time. But we still live together. Right now it's amicable, and I want us to try to be able to work it out, but I'm not sure how he feels. We met and hit it off right away. We moved in together and said I love you very early- around 6 months in we were living together. He then bought us a house we both love and we've been in it for 1.5 years almost. Around nine or ten months in to the relationship his twin sister passed away unexpectedly. This is now over a year ago, and while I know he tried to remain strong at first, there were ups and downs that wore down on him. This past summer, I noticed he was staying out later at night, going out more, drinking more, and generally more on edge. He was also less affectionate with me, physically and emotionally. Further, I noticed his ex (whom he has said is untrustworthy and "crazy") was texting him more and more. I approached him in September. He admitted that he is depressed and has shut out all the world and all emotions- the pain, the loss, and even the love and affection. He assured me his ex is not an issue and I believe him. We resolved to stay together at that time. But since then, I think I never dealt with him going through such a hard time. That stress added to the stress of work and financial pressures, finally broke me. I told him in December (out of the blue, which I'm not proud of) that I needed to gather my thoughts and have some space. We talked again and this time I told him I'm confused and deserve better. He agreed and said he is emotionally unavailable. I tried to tell him the next day that I don't want to break up, I don't want to leave. I want the good times along with the bad. I know he is struggling, and that's ok. To which he said: I don't want to be in any relationship, I want to be alone. Well, I'm still figuring out my finances (long story, car troubles) and working on moving out. He has not given me a deadline nor is he pushing me out the door. He will leave the porch light on when he knows I'm out late, I of course still have use of the common areas and all, we are just in separate bedrooms. At first, he still invited me out with his family. One night soon after the break up we flirted hardcore and he brushed the hair out of my face and kissed my forehead. After an argument a couple weeks ago, I asked him if we could be friendly. I told him he's one of my best friends, I care for him, and I love him as a person. I said I knew he forcing a smile to make me happy and I don't want him to do that. I know he's coping with a loss and he's isn't available. Furthermore, I've been so stressed and worried about the future, and right now I can't be in a serious relationship like we were in. But I still want to be there for him and even though we both need independence, it doesn't change how I feel about him. To this he agreed and said he wants to remain friendly. He said that for whatever reason, he can't "care for someone in a romantic way right now". And that he's afraid he will never be the man I deserve. He'd rather I go through the pain of a break up now, than later after we're married or have kids or whatever. Since that discussion, we have stayed friendly. He will actually come in to my bedroom to say good morning on the weekend. He'll say good night some nights, or come in just to say hi and chat. He checks up on me- where I'm going, be safe, etc. and how was work, etc. He shares his work stress and his success stories or talks about the day at home usually...basically he fills me in on what's going on in his life and asks about mine. We've had a couple of flirty moments- he'll tease me or hip check me out of the way in the morning. I meant what I said to him- that I care about and love him as a person. The past few weeks I have been focusing on myself- exercising, trying to meet new people and make new friends, going to therapy sessions, journaling. I realize that I was expecting him to be the man I first met, when in reality he is going through something that has changed him. I understand that, I also understand that it was my insecurities and outside stress that led me to freak out on him- for which I have apologized. Breaking up was never my intention, trying to communicate with each other, be honest and not force anything, and each of us take our space and focus on ourselves without pressure WAS my intention. I can tell by his actions that he cares about me and my feelings, and maybe does love me on some level. I want him to talk with me, hang out with me, or be with me because he WANTS to- not because he feels like he should or he's afraid to hurt me. Clearly, he enjoys my friendship, otherwise he would kick me out and ignore me...right? Should I just continue to do this friendly, respectful roommate/friend thing? Should I apply NC when I move out? Should I talk to him and try to work it out? I know if we did get back together, we would need to go very, very, very slow. We would both need a mutual understanding that we each need our space and we each need to work on our own issues. We would need to start over, from scratch- a new relationship. We couldn't jump right back in to the "I love you" "we're gonna get married and have kids one day" thing. Advice...thoughts?
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