OpheliaSong Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 From a lot of the threads on here, it seems like a lot of men check out emotionally from their relationships after their gfs or wives have children? Why is this? Curious to read this so much here lately. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Interesting question. I found that the time around our first child's birth was incredibly bonding, for all 3 of us, but I will grant that this was the development of a different kind of a relationship - as parents. In fact, I think it was the birth of our second child and the years after that which maybe represented a bit of a drift apart. In retrospect, it was about working, taking care of two young kids (which we both did, with gusto) and making the family run, so while we probably drifted farther out of our "spouse" relationship, it was mostly a simple lack of time and energy. And I'm trying not to take the thread topic too personally in that it keys more on the man, and suggesting that he "checks out", as if he just drifts away unilaterally on his own - but I would say in my own experience, we both stayed equally involved with the family and the kids, and both equally let the spousal relationship move to the back burner. I wouldn't be surprised to find that this, in some form, is a fairly common phenomenon, across both genders. And likely when one person feels particularly aggrieved, it gets blamed more uniquely on the other gender - in that case. But I bet you will find both husbands and wives making a similar complaint in different cases. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 From what I see in real life in many cases the woman seems to want nothing to do with the man once she has kids. When a man is constantly rejected on every level you can't expect him to stay engaged emotionally. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 It probably goes both ways, from observation. Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Right after the baby, so much of the attention and energy is put towards the child that it's possible for couples to drift apart if they don't make their relationship a priority at times, separate from the child. I've never heard the stereotype that men randomly check out after the baby is born. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 For the first year after each birth, the baby came between us physically. Meaning, baby came before sex, by a long shot. I can see how that could translate to coming between a couple emotionally, if both parents are not mature enough to handle it well. Luckily, that wasn't our personal experience. Sharing the responsibility of children, and a playful "us against them" attitude that developed as they grew older, Has only brought us closer. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OpheliaSong Posted February 22, 2014 Author Share Posted February 22, 2014 I never thought men checked out after baby either until I started reading here. I don't have kids nor do I want them so this is more of a curiosity thing. I am not a using all you nice great fathers of doing this....just seems like some say kids kill sex life, make them want to start over, women pay too much attention to child and ignore their needs,etc. I get that the relationships must change because you have this tiny little helpless being who depends on his or her mom for everything and the nurturing bond must be crazy for a new mom...do guys not have a bond with baby? Not trying to make anyone feel bad, not saying it is wrong to have these feelings, just wondering if this is something men consider when they decide with their SO to have a baby in the first place? Do guys know what being a mother entails? Being a father? Do they expect the relationship not to change? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OpheliaSong Posted February 22, 2014 Author Share Posted February 22, 2014 From what I see in real life in many cases the woman seems to want nothing to do with the man once she has kids. When a man is constantly rejected on every level you can't expect him to stay engaged emotionally. This is exactly what I have read. Thanks Woggle for clarifying what I have read. Seems like men see this but women don't see it as much. Big disconnect on men's and women's views on this,issue. Do men not feel a part of the experience? Do men actually feel they have a choice on having kids when in a relationship? Do men just go along with having a a baby because it is what their woman wants? Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 This is exactly what I have read. Thanks Woggle for clarifying what I have read. Seems like men see this but women don't see it as much. Big disconnect on men's and women's views on this,issue. Do men not feel a part of the experience? Do men actually feel they have a choice on having kids when in a relationship? Do men just go along with having a a baby because it is what their woman wants? I know many MANY men who do want to be fathers and love being fathers. However, I do think that women tend to become so focused on caring for the new baby (and exhausted as a result) that they assume it is okay to forget about hubby and that he will understand. And I think that in some cases a man might want to be more involved, but his wife has an idea of how everything "should" be done. Add to that that if she is nursing (which I did) then the man cant really do the feedings, etc. and it takes a concerted effort to stay connected as a married couple. I do NOT think women stop loving their husbands after kids (really???). I DO think many of them make the mistake of putting the kids before the marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OpheliaSong Posted February 22, 2014 Author Share Posted February 22, 2014 I know many MANY men who do want to be fathers and love being fathers. However, I do think that women tend to become so focused on caring for the new baby (and exhausted as a result) that they assume it is okay to forget about hubby and that he will understand. And I think that in some cases a man might want to be more involved, but his wife has an idea of how everything "should" be done. Add to that that if she is nursing (which I did) then the man cant really do the feedings, etc. and it takes a concerted effort to stay connected as a married couple. I do NOT think women stop loving their husbands after kids (really???). I DO think many of them make the mistake of putting the kids before the marriage. In case of misunderstanding, I didn't read women stopped loving men, just stop making them their focus in some cases. I know many men love being a father and are understanding of a mothers priority changes. This question is really for the rest of the men who feel ignored and pull back emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 My husband also put the baby first. As did my father. The problems may stem from the father competing with the baby for the mother's attention, which seems immature to me. Babies grow, and mothers have a very strong drive to be baby focused for the first few months. It's a passing phase--unless it becomes a power struggle. Then it can cause a lasting rift. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Unfortunately this does happen often. Between the drive to be baby focused, the fact that women tend to be more attached to the baby after birth [because of the 9 months they have on men when it comes to interaction], breastfeeding can remove part the opportunity of actually feeding the baby, but also because women [like all ppl] are limited to 24hs / day and they have to sacrifice something [marriage time usually] for the baby while she is still recovering from childbirth so sex is out ... all of these can drive a wedge between the couple. If this phase takes too long, and sex does not come back [and affection] to normal levels can make a guy weary of asking, and that becomes the new normal situation in terms sex. But when she recovers her drive, she will not like this situation, and if a renegociation of the relationship does not happen, then resentment starts to pop up. This lack of drive to ask for a renegociation on the part of the woman, is something that i have seen both in this scenario and in another scenario presented in that book Women's Infidelity. All of it can be solved by communication imho, and by being aware of each other's needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 For some maybe, not for all thought! I've known I wanted to be a dad one day since I was like 12! I was totally thrilled when my gf had our twins, im still totally thrilled by it! I love my boys like crazy...and my gf - after all the years of waiting for her, when people thought I should walk away, but I didn't because I thought I loved her with everything I had then! Only apparently I didn't because raising kids with her, that's another dimension! We have these two tiny tiny boys and they rely totally on me and her, the men they become, the lives they lead will be shaped from the start by me and her....that's just crazy! We're not just we friends or boyfriend & girlfriend anymore, we're someone's Mum & Dad, our whole future is forever intertwined. I guess, we're not a couple anymore - we're a family and I love that! And if anything I feel more strongly that I wont let anything hurt that! Personally, I think one of the best ways of looking after your kids is by keeping your relationship super strong. That said... - We have twins so there's plenty of time for me and her to bond to the boys - My gf's super easy going, she doesn't tell me what to do with regards to the kids...I probably had more baby experience than her I was trying to get my girlfriend to consider baby names the other night she was all like "Woah solider, lets have the boys on solids first!" ....... I like 'Angus' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 From a lot of the threads on here, it seems like a lot of men check out emotionally from their relationships after their gfs or wives have children? Why is this? Curious to read this so much here lately. I am one of those men....checked out of my 9yrs marriage, although it was long coming and am to blame for ignoring the red flags initially. The person you thought you married, turns into a MONSTER and a And you just can't ..... Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Many women place a lot of pressure in themselves. They feel like they have to be the perfect mom, the best employee, a great wife, keep the house spotless,, etc., etc., etc. , and if they can't then it's their fault and they've failed somehow. It's got nothing to do with not loving their spouses. I once read that a woman has a drop in libido after having children (especially if she nurses them) as a way to keep her from having children too close together, as that would take a great physical toll on her. That makes a lot of sense. Many women also need and chance to wind down from the day and physical intimacy ( cuddling, snuggling together, a conversation) before sex. It was probably always like that. Now with the new baby, there is a lot less time for those things, and it's hard to be in the mood when you feel like you have to squeeze in intimacy with your spouse between tending to a crying baby. It doesn't really get any easier, and that's why I always feel that it's best to deal with the problem when the kids are babies, as waiting just lets the resentments fester. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 .....It's got nothing to do with not loving their spouses. I once read that a woman has a drop in libido after having children (especially if she nurses them) as a way to keep her from having children too close together, as that would take a great physical toll on her. That makes a lot of sense. Many women also need and chance to wind down from the day and physical intimacy ( cuddling, snuggling together, a conversation) before sex. .... It's important to remember also, that the actual physical act of carrying a developing child is a tremendous strain on a woman's body; major organs, joints and muscles are all put under extraordinary strain, in accommodating the growing foetus.... it therefore takes a woman at least a year, conservatively, for her body to return to its previous normal state. Couple that with the emotional upheaval of hormonal fluctuations, and the stress and exhaustion of nursing and caring for a demanding child, (incapable certainly in the first 6 months of doing anything independently for itself) and you have a recipe for temporary celibacy if ever there was one! Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 I date divorced men, most of whom had kids, and they've told me that they felt like nothing more than a checkbook once the kids were born. They were more or less shoved out of their own family. Once the women get what they want -- children and someone to pay for them -- they don't need the man in their lives. One reason that single women without kids and who don't want them are highly sought after by divorced men with kids. They won't make the same mistake twice. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 From a lot of the threads on here, it seems like a lot of men check out emotionally from their relationships after their gfs or wives have children? Why is this? Some do, some don't. Some were never engaged emotionally and it perhaps appears more 'checked out' after a baby. Some respond inappropriately, or appropriately, to marital changes which may occur with the birth of a child. IMO, it comes down to two dynamics we discussed in MC, communication and listening, presuming the partners do love and care for each other. Life changes and challenges, like pregnancy and children, are change; change which can bring a couple together or tear them apart. In each dynamic, the man and woman bear responsibility for their own words and actions. If the man chooses to 'check out' emotionally, that's on him, 'reasons' notwithstanding. He has choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Men usually don't marry expecting to become glorified sperm donors and walking wallets and when that happens they say WTF. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Parenthood was discussed extensively beforehand. How would we make it work? What was our beliefs about how we would raise them? We decided a strong marriage was our best way of giving them a stable, loving home and so we learned how to work harder at communicating and forgiving and I made the decision to fully participate. When I wasn't out to sea, I was completely hands on. There was no helping my wife....we were a team. I love fatherhood. My son makes me proud everyday, and my oldest daughter is just like me, but better, while my youngest challenges me to be more open minded and open hearted. I really checked into being a family then and loved my wife even more watching her become this amazing mother. My wife and I never regretted adopting our kids. They also claim to never regretting adopting us either. Best, Grumps Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 In my experience, it's the opposite. You'll never have a bond with a person the same way you have a bond with the person you have a child with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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