With women, the "spark" needs to be there, with men...not so much?

[iris219]

Spark for me isn't just about sexual attraction. I can feel sexual attraction without the spark.

 

Years ago, I dated a guy for a couple months (my only short term relationship) who I was sexually attracted to and enjoyed having sex with, but I didn't enjoy having to talk to him. It got to the point where I would make sure it was possible that we could have sex before I'd agree to the date, and eventually I just couldn't do it anymore. We had no chemistry and that's essential to me.

 

For some men, a cute girl they enjoy having sex with would be enough for them to want to continue the dating.

[Woggle]

It's not that men don't need a spark but I think on average we have a little bit more realistic mentality towards relationships. We don't expect something out of a romantic movie to happen in real life.

[irc333]

It's not that men don't need a spark but I think on average we have a little bit more realistic mentality towards relationships. We don't expect something out of a romantic movie to happen in real life.

 

Very good point. This reminds me of a profile that I had seen where a woman actually said "I want a romance the way it happens in the movies"...sadly, it was from a 42 year old woman. I would expect it from a 20-something...but....no, even older women can have illusions of grandeur. lol

[Woggle]

Very good point. This reminds me of a profile that I had seen where a woman actually said "I want a romance the way it happens in the movies"...sadly, it was from a 42 year old woman. I would expect it from a 20-something...but....no, even older women can have illusions of grandeur. lol

 

I want to fly like superman as well but nobody calls it settling when I accept that I never will.

[Taramere]

The answer may be this question, asked at the end of the first date: "could you see yourself having sex with this person?"

 

The man probably would answer yes to that question far more often than the woman, this he is willing to try a second date.

 

Absolutely. Also, there's the old "is bad sex better than no sex?" question.

 

Most men I've heard give any sort of answer to that question seem of the view that yes, bad sex is better than no sex. I don't recall any woman I've ever discussed this with not expressing the view that bad sex is a great deal worse than no sex. So why would a woman invite bad sex into her life by persevering with somebody who she knows full well she doesn't fancy and never will fancy?

[pickflicker]

Absolutely. Also, there's the old "is bad sex better than no sex?" question.

 

Most men I've heard give any sort of answer to that question seem of the view that yes, bad sex is better than no sex. I don't recall any woman I've ever discussed this with not expressing the view that bad sex is a great deal worse than no sex. So why would a woman invite bad sex into her life by persevering with somebody who she knows full well she doesn't fancy and never will fancy?

 

Yeah, I'd pick no sex over bad sex.

 

It's harder for men to have bad sex, simply because the orgasm is not as elusive as it is for women.

[somedude81]

What would one consider to be bad sex?

 

In my opinion, bad sex would be when the girl is just lying on the bed and doesn't do anything the entire time. To me, that is still better than no sex.

 

I guess another way sex could be bad if the woman doesn't let me touch her at all. As much as that would suck, it's still better than jerking off.

[xxoo]

What would one consider to be bad sex?

 

In my opinion, bad sex would be when the girl is just lying on the bed and doesn't do anything the entire time. To me, that is still better than no sex.

 

I guess another way sex could be bad if the woman doesn't let me touch her at all. As much as that would suck, it's still better than jerking off.

 

 

The act of sex can feel unpleasant if a woman isn't attracted to the guy. It can be psychologically uncomfortable, and also physically uncomfortable. Or just tedious/boring...lacking any real pleasure or sexual excitement.

 

Women physiologically can have sex (and even lubricate) without being aroused at all.

[iris219]

What would one consider to be bad sex?

 

The worst sex would be sex with someone you don't want to have sex with.

[somedude81]

The worst sex would be sex with someone you don't want to have sex with.

Yeah, that goes without saying. I wouldn't enjoy having sex with somebody I didn't want to have sex with either.

The act of sex can feel unpleasant if a woman isn't attracted to the guy. It can be psychologically uncomfortable, and also physically uncomfortable. Or just tedious/boring...lacking any real pleasure or sexual excitement.

 

Women physiologically can have sex (and even lubricate) without being aroused at all.

Why even have sex with somebody you aren't attracted to?

 

It almost seems like both you and iris are talking about rape. And rape isn't sex, it's violence.

[iris219]

Yeah, that goes without saying. I wouldn't enjoy having sex with somebody I didn't want to have sex with either.

 

Why even have sex with somebody you aren't attracted to?

 

It almost seems like both you and iris are talking about rape. And rape isn't sex, it's violence.

 

That's how men and women are different. Men could find something attractive enough about many women, at least enough to be able to sleep with her. And if a woman was attractive, a man will probably not object to sleeping with her.

 

Women aren't like that.

[xxoo]

Yeah, that goes without saying. I wouldn't enjoy having sex with somebody I didn't want to have sex with either.

 

Why even have sex with somebody you aren't attracted to?

 

It almost seems like both you and iris are talking about rape. And rape isn't sex, it's violence.

 

Because he's a great guy, so you try to get into it. But the brain won't cooperate.

[somedude81]

Because he's a great guy, so you try to get into it. But the brain won't cooperate.

Does that actually happen?

 

I really can't imagine a woman having sex with me because she thinks I'm a great guy, while she's not attracted to me at all.

 

If she's not attracted to me, why the heck did she keep going on dates with me to reach the sex point?

[Taramere]

Does that actually happen?

 

I really can't imagine a woman having sex with me because she thinks I'm a great guy, while she's not attracted to me at all.

 

If she's not attracted to me, why the heck did she keep going on dates with me to reach the sex point?

 

 

A great deal of the rants on here about women - about women being too fussy, too entitled etc - a lot of them will stem from situations where a woman just wasn't feeling it for a guy, regardless of whether he was good partner material on paper.

 

She didn't feel sexually attracted, so she decided not to put them both through the scenario of having several dates (with the guy's expectation that they'd be having sex increasing with every date) only to have an "I don't want to see you again" situation after date 5 that's far more awkward and unpleasant than it would have been after date 1.

 

So of course. Why, if a woman werent attracted to you, would she keep going on dates until she reached the sex point? It's a good question. Should a woman who isn't attracted to you keep going on dates until she reaches the sex point? Should she do that simply in order to be part of a couple? To avoid the state of being a Single Woman? To perhaps get married and be perceived by the world as a respectable woman who's done the right thing in becoming somebody's wife (even if that somebody is a person she doesn't enjoy being intimate with)?

 

Your posts here suggest that you, at least, think "no - God no. I wouldn't want that." I think most self respecting people would feel the same way.

[pickflicker]

Does that actually happen?

 

I really can't imagine a woman having sex with me because she thinks I'm a great guy, while she's not attracted to me at all.

 

If she's not attracted to me, why the heck did she keep going on dates with me to reach the sex point?

 

Because when you're inexperienced, you want to be one those women who doesn't dismiss guys too early, because all you hear is men whining about "I'm such a great guy, why didn't she give me a chance?"

 

Then, as we become more confident in our own skin, we realises that the guy might be nice, but you can't manufacture attraction. So you just do what is best for you.

[xxoo]

Does that actually happen?

 

I really can't imagine a woman having sex with me because she thinks I'm a great guy, while she's not attracted to me at all.

 

If she's not attracted to me, why the heck did she keep going on dates with me to reach the sex point?

 

It's not uncommon for women to be well past their first sex partner when they finally have sex where the attraction is strong enough to really enjoy sex. Often, they don't know what they're missing because they never experienced it.

[pickflicker]

It's not uncommon for women to be well past their first sex partner when they finally have sex where the attraction is strong enough to really enjoy sex. Often, they don't know what they're missing because they never experienced it.

 

*raises hand*

 

Had good sex. Had great sex. There's still something missing though...

[somedude81]

A great deal of the rants on here about women - about women being too fussy, too entitled etc - a lot of them will stem from situations where a woman just wasn't feeling it for a guy, regardless of whether he was good partner material on paper.

 

She didn't feel sexually attracted, so she decided not to put them both through the scenario of having several dates (with the guy's expectation that they'd be having sex increasing with every date) only to have an "I don't want to see you again" situation after date 5 that's far more awkward and unpleasant than it would have been after date 1.

 

So of course. Why, if a woman werent attracted to you, would she keep going on dates until she reached the sex point? It's a good question. Should a woman who isn't attracted to you keep going on dates until she reaches the sex point? Should she do that simply in order to be part of a couple? To avoid the state of being a Single Woman? To perhaps get married and be perceived by the world as a respectable woman who's done the right thing in becoming somebody's wife (even if that somebody is a person she doesn't enjoy being intimate with)?

 

Your posts here suggest that you, at least, think "no - God no. I wouldn't want that." I think most self respecting people would feel the same way.

Yup, exactly

Because when you're inexperienced, you want to be one those women who doesn't dismiss guys too early, because all you hear is men whining about "I'm such a great guy, why didn't she give me a chance?"

That sure as hell hasn't stopped anybody from rejecting me. And I've been rejected by quite a few inexperienced girls. Two of them at my college that I knew were virgins.

 

Then, as we become more confident in our own skin, we realises that the guy might be nice, but you can't manufacture attraction. So you just do what is best for you.

That still doesn't explain why a woman would reach the point of having sex with a man that she is not attracted to.

 

It's not uncommon for women to be well past their first sex partner when they finally have sex where the attraction is strong enough to really enjoy sex. Often, they don't know what they're missing because they never experienced it.

Hmm, I wasn't aware of that.

 

So you're saying that it's not uncommon for women to have sex with guys they aren't attracted to?

 

Women sure are weird.

 

Anyways, I barely understand what women find sexually attractive or just plain attractive in men.

 

Frankly, if a woman has sex with me, I'm just going to assume that she's attracted to me and not worry about everything going on in her head. That's just way too complicated.

[pickflicker]

Yup, exactly

 

That sure as hell hasn't stopped anybody from rejecting me. And I've been rejected by quite a few inexperienced girls. Two of them at my college that I knew were virgins.

 

 

That still doesn't explain why a woman would reach the point of having sex with a man that she is not attracted to.

 

 

Hmm, I wasn't aware of that.

 

So you're saying that it's not uncommon for women to have sex with guys they aren't attracted to?

 

Women sure are weird.

 

Anyways, I barely understand what women find sexually attractive or just plain attractive in men.

 

Frankly, if a woman has sex with me, I'm just going to assume that she's attracted to me and not worry about everything going on in her head. That's just way too complicated.

 

My previous statement explained it.

[xxoo]

Yup, exactly

 

That sure as hell hasn't stopped anybody from rejecting me. And I've been rejected by quite a few inexperienced girls. Two of them at my college that I knew were virgins.

 

 

That still doesn't explain why a woman would reach the point of having sex with a man that she is not attracted to.

 

 

Hmm, I wasn't aware of that.

 

So you're saying that it's not uncommon for women to have sex with guys they aren't attracted to?

 

Women sure are weird.

 

Anyways, I barely understand what women find sexually attractive or just plain attractive in men.

 

Frankly, if a woman has sex with me, I'm just going to assume that she's attracted to me and not worry about everything going on in her head. That's just way too complicated.

 

Women have sex for many reasons other than sexual need. For closeness, to show love, to feel loved, to feel desirable, etc. at young ages, many women ONLY experienced sex like that.

 

At some point, she experiences a connection that is so intense....so much "spark"....and she realizes what all the fuss is about. And then she'll be looking for that spark again. For sure. It's amazing.

Edited March 2, 2014 by xxoo

[Imajerk17]

This is something I've always wondered: How long does it take you to feel "spark"? Many a guy has walked away from a first date where the conversation really seemed to flow only to hear "no chemistry/spark" from the woman.

 

As a guy I feel attraction for a woman in a matter of moments. I know what I like well enough to make a list but even that isn't always predictive.

[somedude81]

Women have sex for many reasons other than sexual need. For closeness, to show love, to feel loved, to feel desirable, etc. at young ages, many women ONLY experienced sex like that.

 

At some point, she experiences a connection that is so intense....so much "spark"....and she realizes what all the fuss is about. And then she'll be looking for that spark again. For sure. It's amazing.

Very interesting post. Thanks for clarifying things xxoo.

 

So it is possible to have sex with a guy, to show and feel loved when she isn't attracted to him? I still think it's odd that she would even get to that stage with a guy she isn't attracted to unless she is that desperate for love.

 

I'm assuming that most healthy women only have sex with guys that are attracted to.

 

BTW, just in case it wasn't obvious, men have sex for all those reasons as well. It's basically the difference between having sex and making love.

 

Damn I miss that

[Khyla]

hmmm. there must be a huge difference between online dating and the real world.

 

When I met my hubby, i wasn't in the least attracted to him.

 

We simply became good friends (although he was after more from the beginning). He was a caring, considerate person and so sure about himself in other ways; his talents (awesome bass player and singer), and skills (mixing sound for other bands), etc.

 

He just gradually GREW on me, seeing him almost every day beacause i became a singer in his band, ... and one day about a month after we had met, we happened to be squished next to each other in a car packed with people, and that was when I felt it.....

omg the energy of his body pouring into mine and mine flowing into his where our legs were touching!

 

Now before that I had always gone with the guys I felt an immediate attraction to, and I went through quite a lot of them. Never in my wildest dreams when I met my husband to be did I think he was gonna be the one I would share my life with for several decades (not to mention an incredible sex-life and 3 children)...,

[irc333]

Kyhla,

 

Since it worked in the opposite for you.....which is how I'm wired to fall for women I suppose....was it more of a spiritual connection than just "chemistry"?

 

 

 

hmmm. there must be a huge difference between online dating and the real world.

 

When I met my hubby, i wasn't in the least attracted to him.

 

We simply became good friends (although he was after more from the beginning). He was a caring, considerate person and so sure about himself in other ways; his talents (awesome bass player and singer), and skills (mixing sound for other bands), etc.

 

He just gradually GREW on me, seeing him almost every day beacause i became a singer in his band, ... and one day about a month after we had met, we happened to be squished next to each other in a car packed with people, and that was when I felt it.....

omg the energy of his body pouring into mine and mine flowing into his where our legs were touching!

 

Now before that I had always gone with the guys I felt an immediate attraction to, and I went through quite a lot of them. Never in my wildest dreams when I met my husband to be did I think he was gonna be the one I would share my life with for several decades (not to mention an incredible sex-life and 3 children)...,

[xxoo]

This is something I've always wondered: How long does it take you to feel "spark"? Many a guy has walked away from a first date where the conversation really seemed to flow only to hear "no chemistry/spark" from the woman.

 

As a guy I feel attraction for a woman in a matter of moments. I know what I like well enough to make a list but even that isn't always predictive.

 

I've had spark develop weeks after I met a guy, but I wasn't dating him in the meantime. We worked together, or went to school together, or maybe he was my middle aged professor Dating to determine if the is attraction is probably inefficient.

 

But flowing conversation itself isn't enough. I really like a lot of people, and have great conversations, without sexual interest. That part really is complicated.