Pre-Marriage concerns

[cokeonshoulder]

I have been dating my Fiance for 10 years and have been living together for about 3 years. I just proposed recently even though I knew we still have some relationship issues to work on. She basically is a very guarded person, which leads me to be suspicious. I tend to get mad and communicate all my feeling maybe a bit harshly and she usually shuts down instead of dealing with an argument. To improve communications and address our relationship issues we are doing pre-marital counseling. She has kept a few things about her life from me but has revealed a lot recently, due to counselor telling her she need to be more transparent. I definelty see improvement in our relationship since she is becoming more transparent. My suspicious behavior does cause her to feel very uncomfortable when someone of the opposite sex is around her as she feels I get jealous. She also stated she feels she has grown apart from her male friends because of me. I am working on being less suspicious but it is all tied to how much she is willing to let her guard down.

 

Counselor recently asked what we could do on our individual parts to make relationship better. I stated I would need to trust her more. I would say my trust is at 80% overall. Some of my trust issues may be baseless, some not so much. I brought up an example of something that causes me to still have trust issues to this day. She has a long time male friend that she continue to keep in contact with. I know for a fact she had feelings for this guy in the past, but whenever I ask her about having feelings for this guy in the past she always denies it. She recently had afterwork drinks with this guys and did not tell me beforehand and I happened to find out after she came home late and asked her where she had been. She probably was not going to say anything thinking I was going to be out later than her. I have no issue with her having a male friend, but why does she keep denying she had feeling for this guys. If she had feelings for this guy I think it is slippery slope to continue to stay in contact with him however.

 

My question is if I am to build trust how can I tolerate her continuing to lie to me or leaving me in the dark about her life. 10 years is a long time for me to just be findng out about key aspect of her life. I feel as if we proceed with marriage she will just fall back into her guarded ways causing me to continue to be suspicious. With that said I feel as if we are headed for disaster.

Edited February 22, 2014 by cokeonshoulder

[TaraMaiden]

I think you could both also do with individual counselling, and yes: having personally worked in Relationships Counselling, you definitely need to at best. postpone and at worst, cancel this wedding.

 

You both have quite a bit of baggage dragging around behind you.

 

It's abundantly clear these will become major issues if you don't deal with them now.

[cokeonshoulder]

TaraMaiden,

 

Thanks for your response. Would the individual counseling have to be for the relationship only or are you stating individual general counseling.

 

I think you could both also do with individual counselling, and yes: having personally worked in Relationships Counselling, you definitely need to at best. postpone and at worst, cancel this wedding.

 

You both have quite a bit of baggage dragging around behind you.

 

It's abundantly clear these will become major issues if you don't deal with them now.

[TaraMaiden]

I think it would probably turn and develop into a mix of the two... personal issues and how they can affect your relationship.

 

ANY relationship, be it this one, or future ones.

[Downtown]

She basically is a very guarded person, which leads me to be suspicious.

Coke, what woman on the planet wouldn't be "very guarded" around you? If what you describe is accurate, any woman would have to walk on eggshells around you to avoid triggering your jealousy and lack of trust. To avoid triggering your anger whenever she has an encounter with a male acquaintance, any woman is going to be forced to withhold information from you -- thus being later accused of "lying" when you later find out.

My question is if I am to build trust how can I tolerate her continuing to lie to me or leaving me in the dark about her life.

I agree with Tara that, because you have no evidence of your fiancee cheating in ten years, you would benefit from IC. You seem to be describing a strong fear of abandonment and inability to trust. If so, it likely originated in early childhood, not with the woman you've been dating for ten years. Did you experience abuse or abandonment from a parent in childhood?

[d0nnivain]

Oh boy.

 

 

This guy may have been her friend for a long time but you have been her BF for a decade. If she wanted him, she would have broken up with you a long time ago. Give the amount of time you two have been together some credence here.

 

 

If she had told you before hand that she was having drinks with her friend, would you have reacted with anything other than "have fun. Call me if you need a ride home or can I meet you guys later?" If so, that is exactly why she didn't tell you. It's not that she wanted to cheat with him. It's that she didn't want to deal with your insecure drama.

 

 

You have to get over this because guess what? If they have been friends for that long, she's going to want to invite him to the wedding & if you do anything other than say great, you will look like the bad guy.

 

 

Try befriending this guy yourself. Some of my long time male friends are not some of my husband's best buddies. He actually spends more time with them than I do

[cokeonshoulder]

Coke, what woman on the planet wouldn't be "very guarded" around you?

I agree to some extend but she caused this suspion due to her actions. You know I just found out she had sibling less than a year ago.

 

Did you experience abuse or abandonment from a parent in childhood?

 

There was a bit of abandonment due to my parent living to pursue business intererest in another country for a few years.

 

This guy may have been her friend for a long time but you have been her BF for a decade. If she wanted him, she would have broken up with you a long time ago. Give the amount of time you two have been together some credence here.

 

I never thought about that, but he there is still the possibility that they might not want to take it to the next step. I found a correspondence she had with him before we started dating. She asked him if he would want to take it to the next level and become her BF. He responded with a no.

 

If she had told you before hand that she was having drinks with her friend, would you have reacted with anything other than "have fun. Call me if you need a ride home or can I meet you guys later?" If so, that is exactly why she didn't tell you. It's not that she wanted to cheat with him. It's that she didn't want to deal with your insecure drama.

 

You may be right with this but she needs to be transparent. I would have felt bad about it but I would have had to deal with it.

 

Try befriending this guy yourself. Some of my long time male friends are not some of my husband's best buddies. He actually spends more time with them than I do

 

I did but the guy seem to act funny when I am around. So i just left it alone.

 

I will talk to my counselor about getting IC and hopefully this will help my situation. You guys have opened up a few good points. I should not be worried about the guy but be more worried on why I act the way I do. I still put some blame her way for not being the most forthcoming person, but my reaction my not be the best way to handle.

[Radu]

Tbh, from what you said of this guy ... i would probably also be suspicious.

The question is though, to what extent you have caused this situation.

 

For your future relationships, you need to find this out through IC, because the goal of marriage [or pre-marriage] C is to help the relationship, not the individual.

In fact, between the two [iC and MC] there can be a conflict of interests at some point.

[CC12]

She recently had afterwork drinks with this guys and did not tell me beforehand and I happened to find out after she came home late and asked her where she had been. She probably was not going to say anything thinking I was going to be out later than her.

 

You make it sound like you found out by accident. You didn't "happen to" find out. You found out because you asked and she told you. I don't know if she would have ever told you if you hadn't asked, but you are assuming the worst of her by thinking that she would have hidden it forever.

 

I know for a fact she had feelings for this guy in the past, but whenever I ask her about having feelings for this guy in the past she always denies it.

 

I found a correspondence she had with him before we started dating. She asked him if he would want to take it to the next level and become her BF. He responded with a no.

Is this how you know for a fact that she had feelings for him in the past? Because you snooped through correspondence that took place before you got together and that had absolutely nothing to do with you? Have you told her how you know this? Does she even know that you know this? Based on your wording, I'm guessing she doesn't. Your big complaint with your fiancee is that she's not transparent enough, but I bet there are some things she doesn't know about. You have to hold yourself to the same standards you're expecting from her.

 

Also, look at how many times you blamed your issue on her:

 

She basically is a very guarded person, which leads me to be suspicious.

I am working on being less suspicious but it is all tied to how much she is willing to let her guard down.

I feel as if we proceed with marriage she will just fall back into her guarded ways causing me to continue to be suspicious.

I agree to some extend but she caused this suspion due to her actions

I still put some blame her way for not being the most forthcoming person, but my reaction my not be the best way to handle.

If you two wanted to point fingers at each other, I'm sure she could quite honestly say, "He is a very suspicious person, which leads me to not want to tell him some things." You both have contributed to this issue, but you kept saying, "Yes, but it's because of HER that I'm like this." I think you need to stop blaming it all on her and take accountability for your part. She didn't make you react in anger and harsh words. That was all you. And it certainly contributed to the problems you're facing now.

 

 

 

 

You know I just found out she had sibling less than a year ago.

 

I'm interested in this story. Why didn't she tell you before that she had a sibling? Were they ever close, at all?

[cokeonshoulder]

Is this how you know for a fact that she had feelings for him in the past? Because you snooped through correspondence that took place before you got together and that had absolutely nothing to do with you? Have you told her how you know this? Does she even know that you know this? Based on your wording, I'm guessing she doesn't. Your big complaint with your fiancee is that she's not transparent enough, but I bet there are some things she doesn't know about. You have to hold yourself to the same standards you're expecting from her.

 

My answer to these question is yes this is how I found out. I should have stated I found the correspondence when we first stated dating. I know it does not change things but wanted to clear that up. I have vaguely told her about finding the correspondence. I told her when I found it I have proof she had feeling for this guy, but was not specific on how. She has actually deleted it since then. I am battling with if I should tell her because it will cause more issues. What is the end game with telling her, letting her know she continues to lie to me. This point is loud and clear in MC. I feel I have a better understanding of what is causing issue in our relationship and it is caused by both of us not just by her, as made clear by everyone in this forum. We need to work on fixing our personal issues if we must proceed.

 

I'm interested in this story. Why didn't she tell you before that she had a sibling? Were they ever close, at all?

 

She was ashamed of many aspect of her family. Father had kids with a few women and brother ran away due to issue at home. This is her step brother. Her father is very overprotective, basically he want things done his way or no way. They were close up until he ran away. Brother recently resurfaced in her life and they are building their relationship back up. I understand why but my thing is that we are supposed to know things like this about it each other, no matter if ware are ashamed of it.

[TaraMaiden]

4 words:

 

Read

 

My

 

Post

 

Again.

[newmoon]

10 years in... you shouldn't have any problems left and should know the person very well. if you've still got problems to iron out this isn't going to be a happy marriage.

[TaraMaiden]

...hell...it's not even a happy relationship NOW!

[cokeonshoulder]

Okay it may not be 100% Happy relationship but I am not miserable to the point to end our relationship right now. We have a decent relationship now with some issues. We are willing to give it our all and make a decision after all this counseling is complete on how to proceed. We just moved in together from having a long distance relationship, I feel you don't really get to know someone until you live with them.

 

@TaraMaiden

I read your post again. We have not made plans for when the wedding will take place. We wanted to do the MC before planning our wedding. I did state earlier I will talk to my counselor about IC, I do see the benefit in doing so.

[CC12]

We just moved in together from having a long distance relationship, I feel you don't really get to know someone until you live with them.

 

In your OP you said you moved in together 3 years ago. Why are you saying you "just" moved in together?

 

Are you being honest here?

[ExpatInItaly]

In your OP you said you moved in together 3 years ago. Why are you saying you "just" moved in together?

 

Are you being honest here?

 

I was just about to ask the same thing. Can you clarify, OP?