sonofa Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I need help figuring out how to say it. Background: I'm 22 and she's a year younger than me. We go to the same college and have a lot of friends in common (but no one super close, really). We have been dating for just slightly over a year. Main reasons I want to break up with her: -I don't love her -She loves me and I don't want to lead her on any longer -I'm not emotionally/mentally attracted to her anymore -She's kinda clingy and she is actively making our relationship much more serious than I am comfortable with -Even though I care about her I know our relationship does not have any long-term potential to work -While dating her I have learned that I don't want a relationship, with anyone, at this point in my life. It would take something pretty special to change my mind on that. After I break up with her I really just want to be single for a long time... I just don't know what to say to her because I'm pretty sure if I told her "I don't love you and I'm not attracted to you anymore" she would be devastated. On Valentine's day she told me that I am the best thing that ever happened to her... yikes... how can I put this as gently as possible? I know it's going to hurt no matter what but still I want to save her feelings as much as possible. Should I tell her that I just don't want a relationship with anyone right now, or would that make it worse? Should I just emphasize that deep down I know our relationship doesn't have a future, and if we don't break up now it would just happen later on anyways? For the record we have talked about breaking up before. A few months ago I wanted to (but not really) because we both knew that she likes me way more than I like her, and I felt bad about it and felt like I was wasting her time, but I was still attracted to her and having fun at that point so we tried to "make it work". She also "jokes" about me breaking up with her to me and her friends. Like, I think she knows it's coming to some extent. It's just too weird for me. Help? I'm man enough to have the conversation I really am just wondering what words to use, which parts to emphasize, so she doesn't feel like its her fault or she's unlovable or something dumb like that Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Just do it and be honest. sit her down and say, "I'm sorry, but this is not working for me and I want to break up." Tell her you don't love her and you care enough to not want to string her along any longer.. that's the best gift you can give her because it will allow her to heal and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crackerjax9 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Yes, do it in person. Just say you're not in love with her anymore and don't want to waste her time or waste her time when she could be finding a guy that will love her like she loves him. Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Before I get into the nitty gritty of what you're asking, I'm going to toss some other stuff out there. You say you've been dating a year and you're not attracted to her any longer, and that you don't love her - but to me, this sounds like the end of the "honeymoon period". It's not that your feelings have changed, per se, but that the intensity of the attraction...the excitement from the beginning...has faded. A common misconception of the young is to associate this LUST and attraction with love, and then decide that their feelings have changed when it subsides. You also claim that she's clingy and making the relationship more serious than you're comfortable with. Have you talked with her about this? If you're man enough to breakup with her, you're man enough to tell her to give you space. You see, attraction and love can be easily interfered with - you know she's more into you, so you feel responsible for her happiness. She claims you're the best thing that's ever happened to her, so now you've got all this pressure on your shoulders. That stress can interfere BIG TIME with attraction and relationships. I'm not saying this to try and get you to reconsider, because you seem to have made up your mind, but even if you're the dumper...there are potential lessons to be learned here. Lessons about communication, independence, the evolution of relationships, etc. Take them while you can to improve your next relationship. As for breaking up with her - there's no harm in telling her that things are WAY too serious for your liking. You can easily tell her that you're just not as committed to the relationship as she is, and that it wouldn't be fair to either of you to continue. However, HONESTY is key...you need to be comfortable telling her that she was pushing the relationship to be more serious, and that her clinginess was a turn off. Also, about the "being single for a long time", keep that under your hat. No offense, but that's an excuse and nothing more. People pull that crap during breakups all the time, and it doesn't really mean anything. You're not opposed to relationships as a whole, you're opposed to THIS one, and your mind will change as soon as you get some distance from it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I totaly agree with what the others said. Tell her in person and be honest about your reasons to break up with her. Never do it by text or e mail etc. Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 How do you do it? Just like you did here. Say the exact same things Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 How do you do it? Just like you did here. Say the exact same things I don't think it's necessary to say to someone's face that you aren't attracted to them anymore. Everything else is probably okay, but don't say that to someone. Really, just tell her that you don't see a future, and that's that. You're 22, and it's understandable that you aren't ready to settle down. I wouldn't go in with a laundry list of reasons. It's sufficient to say that you aren't ready to settle down. Do it in person, but I would go to her house, so you can leave. If she comes over to your house, you might have to make her leave if she takes it badly and doesn't want to leave. Plan for the worst because she won't take this well if she told you that you are the best thing that ever happened to her. Short and sweet. Don't entertain a lot of questions, and be kind with her. Don't give any false hope of a reconciliation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I totaly agree with what the others said. Tell her in person and be honest about your reasons to break up with her. Never do it by text or e mail etc. Please don't do it by text or email. You have been together for a year, and she deserves a face to face. It's the decent thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Short and sweet. Don't entertain a lot of questions, and be kind with her. [bOLD]Don't give any false hope of a reconciliation[/bOLD]. Especially this. Link to post Share on other sites
Lei Ping Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Just do it and be honest. sit her down and say, "I'm sorry, but this is not working for me and I want to break up." Tell her you don't love her and you care enough to not want to string her along any longer.. that's the best gift you can give her because it will allow her to heal and move on. If that doesn't work there's always the surefire method. Text her a nude pic of her best friend. Meeting cancelled. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy99 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I'd go have a talk with her without an intention of breaking up. Tell her she's being too clingy. Tell her you need some space. Tell her you feel smothered and like you want more independence in your life to see friends, etc. See what she says. Tell her you could work on things, but that you're not really that happy in the relationship as it stands because of the reasons you listed. See what she says. Proceed from there. When you have problems in a relationship you should be conveying those things to the other person. If you just keep everything to yourself and then break up with them out of the blue, you'll most likely just find the same faults in the next person. And the cycle continues. I'd tell her first what is bothering you. See what she says. Then go from there. See if the relationship is salvageable. You obviously have some love for her or you wouldn't be so worried that she would feel "unlovable" as a result of your actions. You're probably just not feeling those "in love" feelings anymore and so you'd rather be single. But probably once you're single you'll miss her smothering. That's the way life goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sonofa Posted February 22, 2014 Author Share Posted February 22, 2014 Thanks for the replies. The only thing I want to respond to... yes, I have asked for space and communicated some of my other concerns to an extent. I don't want to get into it all but it hasn't been a solution. We're just not right for each other Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Thanks for the replies. The only thing I want to respond to... yes, I have asked for space and communicated some of my other concerns to an extent. I don't want to get into it all but it hasn't been a solution. We're just not right for each other My only concern is the bolded part. Not for this relationship, but for any you have. There is no "to an extent", just like there's no being "just a little pregnant". You either laid all your concerns and problems on the table, or you didn't. If you did not lay down how severe, important or damaging they were, then you took the wussy way out and are now suffering the consequences...and those consequences will only be worse now because she's been plodding happily along, getting more attached and thinking her behavior was okay. Again, be honest and swift when you dump her, but take the lessons you can here. There aren't many people who're really "right" for each other...being "right" for someone else means being willing to communicate and compromise. Learning experiences are good, so don't brush this off as "we're just not a good fit". You BOTH contributed to this relationship falling apart, so learn your part and be better for your next girlfriend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest572 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I have been in her situation recently and I think regardless of what you say or do, she will be devastated. My only advice is to be kind but firm in your decision. Avoid listing her faults and too many reasons for your decision. Keep it simple and be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Kopite Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I'd go have a talk with her without an intention of breaking up. Tell her she's being too clingy. Tell her you need some space. Tell her you feel smothered and like you want more independence in your life to see friends, etc. See what she says. Tell her you could work on things, but that you're not really that happy in the relationship as it stands because of the reasons you listed. See what she says. Proceed from there. When you have problems in a relationship you should be conveying those things to the other person. If you just keep everything to yourself and then break up with them out of the blue, you'll most likely just find the same faults in the next person. And the cycle continues. I'd tell her first what is bothering you. See what she says. Then go from there. See if the relationship is salvageable. You obviously have some love for her or you wouldn't be so worried that she would feel "unlovable" as a result of your actions. You're probably just not feeling those "in love" feelings anymore and so you'd rather be single. But probably once you're single you'll miss her smothering. That's the way life goes. He's made it clear that he doesn't love her anymore. He needs to break it off now rather than come out with the usuall BS of wanting space, etc. It's just going to give her false hopes. OP- Be honest and end it quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 I don't think it's necessary to say to someone's face that you aren't attracted to them anymore. Everything else is probably okay, but don't say that to someone. Really, just tell her that you don't see a future, and that's that. You're 22, and it's understandable that you aren't ready to settle down. I wouldn't go in with a laundry list of reasons. It's sufficient to say that you aren't ready to settle down. Do it in person, but I would go to her house, so you can leave. If she comes over to your house, you might have to make her leave if she takes it badly and doesn't want to leave. Plan for the worst because she won't take this well if she told you that you are the best thing that ever happened to her. Short and sweet. Don't entertain a lot of questions, and be kind with her. Don't give any false hope of a reconciliation. I didn't read that. But yeah, you're right. At the end of the day, honesty is the best policy. Link to post Share on other sites
KevinC Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 I think also after its all said and done go NC, for her sake, maybe she will not understand why but it is the best thing you can do if you care about her as you said! Link to post Share on other sites
brokenheart12345 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 The last thing the girl wants to hear is that you're breaking up because you think it's best for her. If that's something you're planning on saying, do not do it. She will get super angry at you and think, "Who the eff are you to tell me what's best for me?" You need to be honest and genuine and say that your needs in life at this point are not being met. Link to post Share on other sites
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