Slow learner Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 Hi everyone, Probably like many others, I didn't stumble across this site until things were in a disastrous state--my marriage, my life, my outlook. The basics of my situation... I have been with my wife for 12 years, married for 4 of those years, and we have lived together for 8 years. We don't have kids and we are both in our early 40s. Money is not an issue, luckily. We are not in debt and both have good jobs. Throughout our relationship we have had some issues, like most couples. The issues, at least at the start, were fairly minor. But, even with minor issues, we had a bad habit of blowing stuff out of proportion, giving each other the silent treatment, and the awful practice of bringing up past fights, while in a fight, to do who knows what. We would have a tiff and it would last hours to a day or so before we would just kind of move on. And then we wouldn't address the issues/fight, we would kind of just whistle past the fight. When things were good, they were great. And that was the majority of the time--except, as I wrote, for when something small would be made into an issue much bigger than it should have. This was fine and all for about a decade. No, the marriage wasn't perfect, our sex life was never great (which she apologizes for, not 100% necessary though in my opinion), we maybe had sex once a month, or every 6 weeks. But we really loved (love) each other, and care for each other immensely. About 4 years ago our simple minor problems started to become serious, MASSIVE, problems. Not between us, but in life. Death of a parent, major health concern that is life-threatening, unemployment, a lawsuit and major home reconstruction causing us to move temporarily--all happened in the past 2 years. In hindsight, it should have been obvious that our communication problem that caused small fights to turn in to big fights was going to be disastrous once problems were already critical. Now, realizing this might sound contradictory, but... when we were actually in the moment of these big problems we pulled together so well, it was us against the world. My wife helped me through the absolutely difficult thing I have ever gone through. It was only afterwards, when dealing with the fallout/legacy/memory that things started to get askew. [sorry I know this is long] Part of the problem, a HUGE part, is me. I am not a bad person, I am not abusive in any way, I just have had some life sapped out of me. About 5 years ago, when I was 37, I was diagnosed with a medical condition that will most likely take my life. The one real prognosis is instant death. I had to deal with walking around thinking that any second, no matter where I am or what I am doing, I could just die. I would not be able to tell loved ones I love them, or anything. In the first couple of years I was positively haunted by the fear of dying and not being able to tell anyone bye, or the fear of how my wife or parents would find out that I died in an elevator, or waiting in traffic, or whatever. I coped with this for awhile, fairly well, or so I thought. As time went on I found it easier and easier to cope with my condition, and was able to openly accept what is wrong with me. But, I think my stress and anxiety, as well as my wife's, took its toll on us. I am not quite the guy I used to be. I used to have quite a spark that I lost somewhere along the way. This, along with unemployment took its toll. (Now, I am pretty ok with my condition, and have a great job) But then my wife's mother died in November. Her mother had been unwell most of her adult life, so it was not a surprise at all. And my wife didn't have a good relationship with her mother either, as her mother was on strong meds and under care for decades. But, after her mother died I started to notice changes in my wife's behavior. Little things that I didn't pick up on initially. She lost a lot of weight (she looks better today than ever before), she started to work on new hairstyles, etc. It was all good, healthy stuff. She had low self-esteem and for the first time in awhile she seemed to be feeling good about herself. If those changes we 'positive', the way we communicated went from problematic to positively rotten. On 3 different occasions since November when we were talking (not even fighting or even arguing) she got so upset at me, at what I was saying that she would completely shut me out. Once, when she complained that I showered to late, and I tried to tell her that I was on my normal schedule she started yelling, "la la la la la la." It was so effin weird. I quite smoking cigs 5 years ago, but I was so bothered by what happened that I went out and bought a pack. Then it happened 2 more times. The last time it happened was at the beginning of February, again in the morning before work. In about 2 minutes we went from saying our good mornings to each other to her slamming a door on me so I wouldn't talk to her. I was, again, shocked. That evening she told me she wanted to get separated. That she loves me, 'isn't ready to through in the towel', but we can't live together, at least for now. Generally when we fight we always take the same position: she is the one who questions everything and I am the one who tries to patch everything up. This time I didn't have it in me to be the one to say why we should stay together, I just agreed to the separation. That was about 2 weeks ago and I have gone through every emotion known to man and dolphin. I have read the 180, read about NC and all that. Still, I am unsure how to proceed. If anyone is still out there after reading this (believe it or not) summary, I would love to hear any suggestions. Today I am so-so, yesterday I was a mess, I fear what it is going to be like come this weekend when I am officially living by myself, wondering if we are getting a divorce, wondering how to move forward. Without sounding desperate: help Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts