Cannot believe what I have done. Should of listened! [updates]

[BC1980]

Unfortunately, your emotions are going to be up and down for awhile. You'll have days when you think it's all over, and, then, depression just hits you the next day. You really need to stick with NC at all costs if you hope to move on. Don't let the bad days bait you into breaking NC because it resets your progress. You stay in a holding pattern of denial.

 

Word of warning. It usually gets harder before it gets easier. Be prepared for that.

[Chi townD]

Hell, you know you can't post and me not say anything.

 

Welcome to the first week of withdrawls! You've never been in TRUE NC before and this is just the first step.

 

If you've read my posts to others then you pretty much know why I'm calling you a crackhead, speed freak, alcoholic junkie. Because you are when it comes to your Ex.

 

You tried NC and when things got to be too much you sought out the drug (your Ex) or it sought you out. You talk to her and you got your hit! She told you things to make you feel better and she acknowledged your existence. And you felt better for a short period of time. Until that pull for the drug hits you again. Then, the cycle starts all over again.

 

Well, this is your first week of being drug free. And you are going to go through withdrawls that are EXACTLY the same as an alcoholic or a junkie. You just need to ride it out and take it one day at a time. I've given you the tools to help you along. Tools to make it easier on you with positive changes. Use them.

 

If you stay in true NC, you are going to go through a gambit of emotions for a while. You might feel sad and depressed this week; but next week, you might be angry as hell saying, "SCREW THAT BITCH!!!" it's going to happen, so just ride it out.

[Michael 93]

Chi I was wondering why you wasn't here sooner! Hope your well man I appreciate your input again, along with everyone elses.

 

Thank you man.

 

Yeah I've saw you use that analogy a few times. I think you used it on me previously actually? I didn't think about the fact I have only been in NC for a week. I seem to think if I have broke NC for a measly phone call then I haven't really broken it. Turns out I have and I totally get the "hit" example.

 

How long do you say it takes for the depression stage to dwindle off whilst committing to NC?

 

I really appreciate the fact people still spend time to talk to me about this and don't get fed up when they could quite clearly say "hey man get over it already," Thought I was way past this stage. Turns out im not! Whoa. Going into shock

 

Not going to contact believe me. It will only destroy me to hear her voice. I get all hot and shaky when I think about the times I've broke NC before and heard her/saw her etc..

 

Rough man.

[Elle1975]

Hi all,

 

Hope you are all doing a little bit better than me this week.

 

Been in FULL NC for just over a week now after the contact on my 21st etc.

 

All of you who follow my threads will know I have been doing OK recently and starting to make improvements.

But this week.!!! I just don't know what has gotten into me..

 

Feel real low, and unmotivated when getting up, a lot of stress at work at the moment I'm guessing is contributing, but I feel like I'm still longing for my ex a little. I have been seeing a new girl recently however I have been quite distant with her due to the mood that I am in this week, I don't really want to drag her into my negativity so haven't really arranged much with her which I know isn't fair.

 

My previous relationship is still going through my mind.. and I'm finding it difficult to block out the memories we shared together. I failed two exams yesterday for my NVQ L3. I know this is because in the exam my mind kept drifting. To be honest this has been the case since the break up, my mind just tends to drift.

 

Sometimes this can be around the good times we shared. sometimes it can be about the breakup. sometimes it can be about her being with her new guy.

 

I guess there are constant reminders been as though we work for the same company. I am tired of torturing myself now. I'm tired of annoying you great people as well as my family.

 

I want this to be over. I just want to be happy again.

 

I sometimes sit there and think, what if i reach out to her? Will she ever reach out to me?

 

Time is getting further and further on and that hurts. It still seems like yesterday to me..

 

I thought I had done enough to keep her it hurts me so much to know that is not the case and now she is enjoying a new fruitful relationship as if I never existed.

 

Really thought I was past this. Sorry for the VENT.

 

Thank you. Michael

 

 

Hey Michael..

 

I'm in the same boat, at 5 weeks. I want to email him SO bad.

 

Just wanted to share my experience of grieving. Me and my niece went through the same thing. When my sister passed, we were in shock. Following that, I got better, I wasn't depressed, and even wondered what was wrong with me. A month later, it hit me in the face, very depressed, etc.. even sent a letter to her at the cemetery. My niece, i found out afterward, went through the exact same thing.

 

My point is, be mindful of the grieving process. You'll feel better, then you'll get hit by a couple bad, bad days. Don't give up, it will get better.

 

Feel free to message me, or keep posting here. And no, you aren't wasting anybody's time here. Do not feel that way.

[Michael 93]

Hey Michael..

 

I'm in the same boat, at 5 weeks. I want to email him SO bad.

 

Just wanted to share my experience of grieving. Me and my niece went through the same thing. When my sister passed, we were in shock. Following that, I got better, I wasn't depressed, and even wondered what was wrong with me. A month later, it hit me in the face, very depressed, etc.. even sent a letter to her at the cemetery. My niece, i found out afterward, went through the exact same thing.

 

My point is, be mindful of the grieving process. You'll feel better, then you'll get hit by a couple bad, bad days. Don't give up, it will get better.

 

Feel free to message me, or keep posting here. And no, you aren't wasting anybody's time here. Do not feel that way.

 

 

@Elle1975

 

Thank you for your reply Elle. I'm glad you see my point of view.

 

By this post are you trying to say you never know how somebody else is feeling?

 

My ex made a point of saying I always envision and expect the worst. When its not usually like that.

 

Since the split shes said I've always over thought things and things are never really as they seem. Things aren't that great with her.

 

I think because I haven't had contact now for a while my mind starts to wonder off again to the negative thinking.

 

I automatically think shes living in a fairy tale with the man of her dreams. I don't know why I do that but this is what gives me the urge to break contact. As Chi explains it taking another hit (knowing she has not forgotten about me)

[Michael 93]

Do you all believe that by initiating NC, Focusing on yourself and moving on

 

If they never reply or try to contact you it was never meant to be?

[BC1980]

Do you all believe that by initiating NC, Focusing on yourself and moving on

 

If they never reply or try to contact you it was never meant to be?

 

Well, I don't buy the concept of things being meant to be or not. It's just a weird way to explain what we don't understand in this life.

[Chi townD]

 

I really appreciate the fact people still spend time to talk to me about this and don't get fed up when they could quite clearly say "hey man get over it already," Thought I was way past this stage. Turns out im not! Whoa. Going into shock

 

 

Dude, no one is going to get fed up with you as long as they see you're trying to make an effort.

 

There are tons of success stories that didn't happen over night. It takes time, but it's awesome to see how well and how far they've come!

 

A few examples. There was a guy on here that was from Poland and his girlfriend left him. He was in his twenties and living with his parents, he didn't have a job, he didn't have a car or a driver's license. His girlfriend started dating someone that he knew and the kicker was, she lived across the street from him. So, he was constantly seeing them together and he was devastated. His first thread on here was that he was considering suicide. Stated that he had nothing going for him and he lost everything. So, we were working with him and he finally decided that he needed a job AND to get away from the situation. He looked on the internet and found a company that would allow him to work in Australia for a year. Paycheck, room and board included. I looked into the company and it seemed a legit work abroad program. He contacted the company and they sent him the paperwork. He finish the paperwork and took it to the Australian Embassy. The company sponsored his work visa and he was set.

 

Before he left, he asked me if he should inform his Ex that he was leaving. You know me, I said, "What for! You're nothing to her. Not boyfriend, not friend....you owe her nothing!" So, he left. A few months later he PM'd me and told me he was living in Queensland and he LOVES Australia! He said the work isn't that demanding. The pay wasn't great but he got free room and board; plus, with the pay he was getting, it was enough to put a little away and still have some left over to kick around with. He said even though he loves Australia, he misses home sometimes. His parents are proud that he's at least doing SOMETHING with his life. He also found out that his Ex was devastated to learn that he moved to Australia. He said he scratched his head at that one. Then told me, I guess she always thought I was going to be her back up plan! And that's the last I heard from him.

 

Another dude was dating a girl and she broke up with him because she thought that they are acting like a married couple and she was too young to be tied down in a relationship that way. So, she broke up with him to enjoy life. Her idea of enjoying life was going to house parties, getting drunk, getting high and sleeping with random people. So much for a 3 year relationship! He heard my story and decided that he wanted to get away and explore. He saved his money and backpacked through Thailand for a month. He said he absolutely loved it! He said he partied with Canadian girls and Irish girls in his travels and had a blast. When he got back, he said he was going to do it again, but maybe India the next time. When he got back, his Ex ran into him and she knew he went to Thailand and asked him about it, he was nice to her and told her. He was ending the conversation and she asked him, "Why couldn't you be this interesting when we were dating?" He said he shrugged and said, "I learned to live a life without you." and that was the last I heard from him.

 

And finally, the best success story was the biggest pain in my ass! He was Headashed on here. And he always asked for advice on his cheating girlfriend who left him but kept stringing him along. We would give him advice and he would NEVER listen to it! He's from England too (what is it with you Brits being so damned hardheaded!) I mean, I was about ready to kill him and I ripped him up one end and down the other. He always promised that he was starting NC only to come back on here and tell us that she came over and they made out for a while and now she hasn't contacted him in three days. *facepalm*

 

Then, one time he came on here and informed us that they decided to work things out. Okay, whatever. Two months later he comes back and says, "She cheated on me again." NO SH*T! REALLY?!?!?

 

And FINALLY! One day he woke up and started to apply NC, and make positive chances in his life. And I got to give him credit, his Ex was ruthless and wasn't letting go without a fight. But he stuck to it. He started making positive changes in his life. He was living in some place and his Ex lived down the road from him. He was working a nothing job, not making great money. But, he decided to go back to school and got into a program for web design. Headashed started his own web design company. He told me it was slow going at first, but he started to pick up some clients and get some steady work. The newspapers got wind of his story through the program he went to and they ran his story in a London paper (he sent me the article). It was sorta an inspirational piece about a guy starting with nothing and building his own company. Getting over addiction and getting off benefits and making something of himself. He was even given an award from some Lord over there. Maybe from the House of Commons or something. I can't remember.

 

But, he PM'd me and said that his business was doing great now. (I guess the newspaper piece got him a lot of business) I asked him if he knew what happened to his Ex. Do you know what was wonderful to hear? He said he didn't know! The last he heard was she burnt through about three boyfriends after him. He told me that if I'm ever back in England and anywhere around Manchester, I'm to look him up because he owes me a beer. He comes on here every now and again to update us. But, I haven't heard from him in a while. I hope he's doing well.

 

But, that's the goal for us here. To get you guys well and on your feet again so you don't need to be on this site. Do I need to be here? Nope! I'm good. I'm only on here to help folks, but I don't need to be here. SAme with a bunch of other veterans. Simon Phoenix, Leigh83, Tara Madien, Owl, Zaraha, Art Critic......I venture to say that none of us need to be here. But, we stayed to help others with their healing and get folks off this site and living a better life. However, it's nice for you all to come back and tell us your success stories! Makes everything we do worthwhile. Hell, you might come back after a while and help out too! Never know!

[km19]

Do you all believe that by initiating NC, Focusing on yourself and moving on

 

If they never reply or try to contact you it was never meant to be?

 

Yes x 1000000000

 

If my ex doesn't even attempt to contact me after what transpired, it further justifies maintaining NC.

 

I read something on here I think and it really resonated with me. "Every breakup pushes you towards the love of your life".

 

That's how you have to think. Who gives a sh*t if she comes back begging for you? You know deep down you deserve better than what you received. And as crappy as the BU makes you feel, it truly is pushing you towards the person you're suppose to be with. And that person won't f*ck with you and take you for granted.

 

That right there is my thought process and is keeping me going through my own BU

Edited May 22, 2014 by km19

[Elle1975]

@Elle1975

 

Thank you for your reply Elle. I'm glad you see my point of view.

 

By this post are you trying to say you never know how somebody else is feeling?

 

My ex made a point of saying I always envision and expect the worst. When its not usually like that.

 

Since the split shes said I've always over thought things and things are never really as they seem. Things aren't that great with her.

 

I think because I haven't had contact now for a while my mind starts to wonder off again to the negative thinking.

 

I automatically think shes living in a fairy tale with the man of her dreams. I don't know why I do that but this is what gives me the urge to break contact. As Chi explains it taking another hit (knowing she has not forgotten about me)

 

What I meant is.. don't let yourself get discouraged because it's hard. You'll be fine in NC, then you'll be dying to contact her, or you'll spend the evening crying like a loser (you're not a loser, that's the way I FEEL when I'm doing it.. bleah!). Eventually thought, it gets better.

 

It's just a process of two steps up, one steps down, and so on.. so eventually, we get there. It's just retarded how long it takes

 

There is no meant to be. I don't believe in it. I do believe if someone wants you in their life, they will make the effort to contact you. It really isn't that hard to contact someone nowadays. I mean, I had this girl from twenty years ago in high school contacting me.. how the hell did she even remember my last name?.. but she found me.

[FredJones80]

There is no meant to be. I don't believe in it. I do believe if someone wants you in their life, they will make the effort to contact you.

 

Great statement, fully agreed. "meant to be" is just b/s. People make an effort to keep people they want in their lives... if they don't then you have your answer.

[Michael 93]

As an update I am just going to have a feel and see what you guys think.

 

I have seen a couple of posts where people have said they are due to run into there ex.

 

Well this is the same for me... I am currently on NC and have been for a little while. Last contact we had she again filled me with the breadcrumb hope crap.

 

Shes still with her boyfriend so you know, that's exactly what it was.... crap.

 

Its a work friends birthday party coming on Friday night. She is close to both myself and ex. She has asked if I am going to be attending and would like me to show up. It will be at her house so not as if its in a huge venue.

 

Not sure what to do here or how to handle this? Advice needed....

[Chi townD]

Has she informed you if your Ex is going to be there or not?

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I wouldn't usually use caps but ... DO NOT GO x

[Michael 93]

Yes Chi.

 

She actually called me the other day at a weird hour asking if I would be ok with her going. I hesitated and said I wouldn't be too keen on the idea.

 

When I spoke to my ex after that she said she was there for the conversation and the thought of me not wanting to go because she will be there hurt her.

 

Difficult one. I definately won't be talking to her just enjoying a friend's/colleagues occasion.

 

My friends have suggested I go as it will show her I'm not that bothered anymore and she will see me looking my healthiest..

 

Hmm weird one.

 

Hope all is well with you and you received my PM.

 

Mike

 

@Chi townD

[Simon Phoenix]

You aren't in No Contact if you are talking to her on the phone. Why don't you have her number blocked?

[Chi townD]

Well, you're not going to like what I have to say on it then. Personally, I wouldn't go. Even though your friends said go to show her that you aren't bothered. Your friends aren't in your shoes. Your friends haven't experienced even HALF of the BS this girl has put you through. You don't have anything to prove to her or your friends. If you're uncomfortable with the situation, then don't go.

 

I've had people on here go to similar situations and they THOUGHT they could handle it, only to find out they couldn't and had to leave.

 

What if you go and she brings the douche rocket with her? That's gonna hurt. Even if he's not with her, chances are he's going to know you'll be there and he's going to text the hell out of her. How's it going to feel when you look over at her and she's playing with her phone. You know damn well who's she's texting. That's gonna hurt too.

 

Look what happened at the times where you and her were at a social event together. I think it's happened a couple of times and each time ended badly! Big argument. So, this is a birthday party. It's someone's special day. I think that it would be best to let them have their day without any drama in it. I would be the bigger person and bow out of it. The day before the party I would give them a birthday card with a gift card in it and tell them that you're sorry but something has come up and you will be unable to attend. Wish them a happy birthday and go do something else. Take model girl out to dinner and a movie! I think you'll have a more enjoyable time doing that.

[BC1980]

I wouldn't go at this point. Heck, I don't even know if I would go to a place my ex was, and I'm 6 months NC. Seeing a person affects you in ways you may not anticipate until you are actually there. It brings up memories and emotions you may not be able to contain because your state is so volatile right now.

[somecamel]

As much as you may want to go, perhaps one of the overriding reasons is to see her and see if you can rekindle the relationship.

 

Do you want to get hurt again? Are you in a position to be able to talk to her amicably?

 

I don't think you are dude.

 

Don't open up the wounds just as they are starting to heal, you're making good progress, don't **** it up now.

 

As chi said, take the new girl out, this will keep your mind off the ex.

 

Don't self flagellate!

[Michael 93]

Its really difficult to be honest. I have taken all of your advice on board. As well as the advice from friends and family.

 

All of the advice varies..

 

Somecamel I think you hit it on the head. Its that underlying sense of hope I guess. I'm not saying I'm going to plead and be following her round all night.

 

I feel as though why should I have to hide? Why should I have to run away from something because of whats gone on. I'm not healed.. No. But I'm nowhere near as weak as I was previously.

 

After what she has done to me why should I let her control how I live my life.

 

How about I go there, have the time of my life mingle with my REAL friends from work and have a good night. Show her that life does go on and she doesn't scare me anymore. Don't get me wrong deep down I shall probably be a shaking mess but I will never ever let that reflect in my body language.

 

These are all things that are going through the back of my mind..

Then I have another voice on my other shoulder saying.... Don't go, you just don't need this....

 

Never in my life have I experienced overwhelming amount of feelings like this. It is absolutely remarkable what a break up with someone you truly loved can do to you. I never once believed I could even imagine things that have gone through my mind since the split. For all of you battling and for those that have won the war you should be proud, you are some of the strongest people I have come across and its commendable the courage and fight you have shown.

 

I realize I may have done a lot of peoples heads in over the time I have been a member (Cough Cough Simon) but I would just like to say thank you.

 

You have helped me through my darkest times and to know I have you people to fall back on is quite touching.

 

Thanks All, I continue to look forward to your advice.

 

Michael

[Survivor12]

Two things--

 

First of all, I disagree with your friends' advice that you should go to prove something. You need to learn to make decisions based on what is best for YOU without worrying about what the ex or anyone else may think.

 

Secondly, if you choose not to go, it will be YOUR decision, not hers. She can't control your life unless you give her the power. Sure, it may seem as though going would prove that you are in control but in this case, the opposite is true. Because you are still vulnerable and struggling with false hope, the best thing you can do for yourself is be around her. By going, you will be subjecting yourself to more reasons for emotional turmoil....She looked at me, she was nice to me, she spent a lot of time flirting, whatever!...you're going to relive it over and over and be trying to analyze every moment for weeks to come. If she's nice, you're going to convince yourself that she wants you back; if she avoids you, you'll be hurt...It's a no-win situation.

 

You are right when you say you don't need this. It's a freaking party. Find something to do that will make you feel GOOD, not anxious. You may not be as weak as you were (which is a GOOD thing!) so why the hell would you want to set yourself back?

 

Oh, and btw, don't think for a moment that you will be able to hide that you're a shaky mess...she'll know, believe me.

 

So again, stop making excuses and trying to prove anything to her. There's plenty of time for that when you aren't faking it (of course, by then it won't be worth your effort).

[Michael 93]

MAN O MAN.

 

Where did all of this come from. JEEZ...

 

I was happy!!?? WTF :(

[Michael 93]

I'm taking all opinions and advice on board seriously.

 

I'm going over this day after day..

 

Thank you for all your inputs

[Simon Phoenix]

Yep, the fact that you want to go to "prove something to her" shows how ridiculous it would be for you to go. Your mindset is still not where it needs to be. It's still all about her, her, her, and that's not going to get you where you need to go.

 

Part of being a mature adult is knowing when you are ill-equipped to go into battle. You aren't there dude. You haven't been able to do No Contact correctly, how the heck are you going to put your best foot forward in a situation like this? Answer: you aren't. It's not an admission of weakness to skip out on this party -- it's an admission of weakness to go through with it. All you keep talking about is putting out an image for her. Well dude, not only is that the wrong mindset, but the image you are looking to project is not the image you are actually projecting.

 

I'm sure you won't listen and you'll go to the party and again, you'll come back in here wondering why everything sucks and why you're back at square one, but it doesn't have to be that way. You just need to show some personal discipline.

[Michael 93]

Hi All..

 

 

Woahhh man. Heart is aching this morning LOL.

 

 

Currently 10 days into NC now. Feeling a bit rough this morning at work..

 

 

Haven't felt this bad for quite a while actually which is weird. Still seem to think when I wake up I will see a message from her. A bit optimistic I think .. Hmmm. Woke up last night in a cold sweat which is totally out of character for me!! Rarely ever been like that.

 

 

I immediately related this to Chi's analogy of "speed freak, addiction, junkie"

 

 

Crazy how its just like a drug. Unbelievable.

 

 

Anyway made plans for the rest of the week. Also working on my qualification at work which is taking up a lot of time, I feel much much better now when I'm around people. Whereas immediately after the break up my thoughts were focused on her throughout the whole day, with people or not..

 

 

It now only tends to be when I'm on my own that the painful thoughts occur. You know the ones that make your heart burn a little (hope I'm not the only one here, else I may need to see a doctor -_-) I have passing thoughts throughout the day but they aren't really painful ones, you know?

 

 

Anyway, just kind of waffling to vent a little. How's everyone else doing?