Cannot believe what I have done. Should of listened! [updates]

[Michael 93]

Will be 2 weeks of NC with ex tomorrow.

 

 

I really thought I was improving. Feeling much better, and generally not as bad.

 

 

How wrong could I be. Over the last three days I have dreamt about her and woke up feeling like SH**!.

 

 

I have taken everyone's advice on board and have made positive changes in my life joined gym, out 5 nights a week with friends, joined pool club general things like that.

 

 

I'm starting to feel as though I need to retrain my thought processes as this is what is starting to hold me back maybe? My mind tends to drift from time to time and focus on her and what has happened which is quite upsetting and I struggle to focus when this happens. Hence why I posted the thread yesterday on CBT therapy.

 

 

Also scrolling through FB yesterday I came across my ex's new boyfriend through a mutual friends status. Really ruined my night actually I instantly feel like crap as soon as anything to do with either of them can be seen, whether that is at work or through social media. I rarely see anything of my ex but occasionally see stuff from him, pictures of upcoming bodybuilder shows, Ibiza etc. Really crap . (mutual friend, used to train at the same gym)

 

 

I should be past this by now and I'm really starting to get disheartened as I don't believe I have made any progress which is upsetting. I really want to go out and explore meet new people and get myself out there to find the person I could develop with.

 

 

 

 

I haven't been to the gym now in a week purely because my motivation is at a low. My mind constantly wanders to thoughts of her, us and them and I hate it. I thought I was past all of this. Seems like such a major setback, I guess the main thing that hurts me is I thought I was worth a lot more to her than this.

 

 

Its annoying that I am still hurting like this, yet she couldn't give a cahoot about me, there wasn't anything set in stone for NC the last time I spoke to her we was actually fine and she made a point of saying we wont stop speaking, the fact she hasn't tried to initiate contact should clearly spell it out for me and I guess that's where the rejection comes in.

 

 

My apologies for you people who have helped me so far I know it seems as though I'm not listening but I am. Just feeling really down today.

 

 

Thank you

[David87]

Block your ex's new boyfriend on FB. Why are you at day 10 of NC and why did you break it in the first place?

 

 

edit:I read what happened on the other thread. You feel this way because you keep breaking NC. Avoid all places that you know your ex will be there, like that party for example, block her and keep her blocked on everything( 2 years minimum in you case).

Edited June 20, 2014 by David87

[Smarty Pants]

2 weeks is nothing. It feels worse because you keep having set backs. Stay off social media so you don't have these "accidental" encounters.

 

My advice? Going out 5 nights a week won't make you feel better. It's empty, like having a one night stand. Do something more meaningful and it will make you feel better.

[ProcessingThisBU]

Nobody said it was easy. Just keep moving forward. I would say you should deactivate your FB account NOW, for a while. You must learn that the first weeks and months of NC are the toughest. You're going through hell. Keep going. One day at a time. If you break NC (in any form, if you get info about your ex, that's breaking NC) you make steps backwards. So make the commitment with yourself, you are in NC. See this as an important stage on your life. You are in NC. You're strong and you can do this. I know you can do this. You will be stronger and confident when you get through this.

 

I'm in NC too. Struggling every day. We can do this man. Let's stay strong, and remember, take one day at a time. Let's do this!

[Griesfootball]

I'm going through the same thing. I saw my ex a lot recently (unavoidable) and it really revved up my emotions

[Chi townD]

Dude, you have been broken up from her for a while now. But here's the thing. You are in the first two weeks of true and strict NC. That's nothing and people have been telling you that it gets worse before it gets better. This shouldn't come as a surprise to you.

 

 

Before, when you were in LC, she would tell you things like, her new man isn't treating her right and she thinks she might have made a mistake. And you bought into that crap. And it is crap because, guess what? She's still with him. She was just keeping you on the hook.

 

 

So, now you are in NC and no word from her. Yeah, you're going to feel sad and depressed. But, YOU are the only one that can change that. You stated that you have no motivation to go to the gym? You have to tell yourself, FORCE yourself up off of that couch and go. Tell yourself that it's only 30,45 minutes or an hour. And when you get there, push yourself hard! Trust me, when you are done, you're going to be tired, but feeling good because of the release of endorphins. Doesn't last forever, but don't you think you deserve a break from feeling bad?

 

 

And smarty pants is right. Sure, it's okay to go out with friends 5 days a week. But, anyone can go to the pub and shoot pool. Not too interesting. Do something meaningful or a "WOW" moment. Like, taking that trip to Paris. People will be like, "You hear Mike went to Paris for a few days?" Sounds like someone would say, WOW! to that rather than if someone said, "Mike went to the bar and shot pool." Folks wouldn't say wow to that, they would say, "So?".

[Simon Phoenix]

What you are feeling is completely normal for two weeks of NC. And honestly, everytime you caved on NC, you reset your recovery clock to zero and started over. So while it's been months since you broke up, it might as well have happened two weeks ago because of you keeping in contact for so long. So as far as you are concerned, you are two weeks removed from the breakup.

 

The only solution here is to keep NC and trudging ahead. It's not going to be easy and it's not going to happen overnight, but if you actually stick to it instead of caving, you'll make it to the other side.

[Michael 93]

Thank you for your comments.

[somecamel]

Michael, We both found this forum around the same time after both experiencing breakups.

 

I had my fair share of LC as well and it drove me mad and I was not able to move on.

 

I'm happy to say that I've been proper NC for around 4 weeks now I think, in fact I lose track, the contact was a few emails about nothing in particular and was really just unfinished business.

 

You will not be able to move on unless you let yourself and you're the only one that can do that.

 

Please wake up and don't waste your life moping about a girl that doesnt want you, go find one that does:)

[Michael 93]

Michael, We both found this forum around the same time after both experiencing breakups.

 

I had my fair share of LC as well and it drove me mad and I was not able to move on.

 

I'm happy to say that I've been proper NC for around 4 weeks now I think, in fact I lose track, the contact was a few emails about nothing in particular and was really just unfinished business.

 

You will not be able to move on unless you let yourself and you're the only one that can do that.

 

Please wake up and don't waste your life moping about a girl that doesnt want you, go find one that does:)

 

@somecamel

 

Hey!

 

Your right. We did indeed. Remember it like it was yesterday.. don't you?

 

You seem to be doing much better. I know. I'm on 17 days NC today. Weird. I just got to the point where I couldn't do any more for her I guess.

I quite literally did everything to try and make it work but move a mountain haha.

 

Not sure how long this is going to last, or even where to turn next. Im just trying to be the best I can each day.

 

Hows things with you?

[somecamel]

@somecamel

 

Hey!

 

Your right. We did indeed. Remember it like it was yesterday.. don't you?

 

You seem to be doing much better. I know. I'm on 17 days NC today. Weird. I just got to the point where I couldn't do any more for her I guess.

I quite literally did everything to try and make it work but move a mountain haha.

 

Not sure how long this is going to last, or even where to turn next. Im just trying to be the best I can each day.

 

Hows things with you?

 

I'd be lying if I said I still don't hurt because I do but the pangs are less frequent.

 

I've made a massive effort to learn from this and be the best person I can be.

 

I've had my falls but got back up again and carried on.

 

I tell you what I do when I'm in a bad place, I read my main thread from the beginning and remind myself of what I went through and the hurt I felt.

 

It's a good reminder when the anger subsides a bit to re-invigorate the hate.

 

I'd never go back to her

[Michael 93]

I'd be lying if I said I still don't hurt because I do but the pangs are less frequent.

 

I've made a massive effort to learn from this and be the best person I can be.

 

I've had my falls but got back up again and carried on.

 

I tell you what I do when I'm in a bad place, I read my main thread from the beginning and remind myself of what I went through and the hurt I felt.

 

It's a good reminder when the anger subsides a bit to re-invigorate the hate.

 

I'd never go back to her

 

 

Yeah kind of similar thing here.

 

Main issue at the moment is the frequent dreams I'm having. Seem to be dreaming about her a lot recently but I can definitely agree and say the pangs are different.

 

Not as painful any more.

 

Really upsetting that a once so happy time in my life is now getting further and further away. Such a shame.

 

Haven't heard from her at all actually. Not even through work which is weird. Not even heard her name.

 

Ahh that feeling in my chest is back again even as I type this haha

[Michael 93]

As you are all aware it has been an everlasting battle for me to try and get over this and move forward.

 

It has now been nearly 8 months since me and my ex broke up. Approx 3 weeks NC. (was longer than this but she initiated contact after around 1 1/2 months)

 

I've found it very very difficult to get over her as most of you know, If you look back over my previous threads I know this is because I've never really stuck out no contact in the past and that has always caused me problems trying to move forward.

 

I have implemented many changes in my life and literally tried a lot to move on from this. I am now regularly using the gym again, due to travel to Venice next Monday, spending a lot of time with friends and playing sports in the week after work. Many of you are aware that I have improved a lot from when I first joined.

 

One thing I have to say I'm extremely scared as I feel I'm not as far as I actually believe I am. I still think about her almost every day and these thoughts still affect me.

 

I went back over my most recent thread and saw a comment from Simon Phoenix it said something like "my head still isn't in the place that it needs to be" I've thought about this since then and I actually don't think it is at all. When I am alone or at home with my Mom it seems to strike me the worst and I do replay a lot of it over my mind. I had improved majorly and I'm sure there were days where I didn't think of her at all, that was until she re-initiated contact.

 

Don't get me wrong, when I'm out or doing things, with friends etc my mind is clear and I'm happy. It will only wander occasionally. But im still not strong, I still feel funny when I hear her name or see things regarding her with work etc.

 

This isn't good and it is starting to worry me. I had a bad day the other week and I just sat there with my mom and said "you know what I'm not any further at all am i" She explained I was but I should be past this by now.

 

I'm sick of feeling sad and missing her, I'm sick of thinking she will be wandering about me and I'm sick of thinking how she is and what she's up to and how our relationship was. I want to be past this and its this and Simon's comment that's made me realise.

 

You know what I'm not.

 

I am determined to get my mind into the correct place to get over this. I thought that with the activities and time I've been spending doing other things and improving myself I would be nearly there by now.

 

But if truth be told I still miss her incredibly. I don't want too.

 

I'm starting to feel very concerned that I haven't progressed at all.

 

Hope you are all well.

 

Mike

[Michael 93]

There I was working my nuts off.

 

Hear an internal call on my colleagues line over the other side of the office. She had left the office so I took the call for her, usually it is our colleague who works from that branch.

 

NOPE. not this time.

 

Was her. I saw the caller ID come up and I just thought "S***"

 

I said hello.

 

She said "Oh, sorry wrong number"

 

I just said O.k and that was that.

 

My anxiety is back and I had to take a trip to the bathroom to cool down because my emotion was high. Hadn't heard her voice for maybe 2 and a half months.

 

This just totally backed up what I was saying in my last post.

 

This is scaring me. I don't want this any more.

 

I am angry. Angry at myself for not being past this by now. I'm starting to seriously give up I have been trying so hard.

[David87]

Last time I checked you were a man, not a little boy. What do you mean you want to give up?? Dont make come over there to slap in the face 2 times.

[Simon Phoenix]

Don't give up dude. One of the reasons you are stuck is that you've given up and caved so many times in the past. You don't get points for recovering quickly, and you aren't deducted points for taking a while. You just need to stick with it dude. Honestly, stop putting so much damn pressure on yourself to be over this by a certain time. Just do the work and no more cutting corners with No Contact. It takes as long as it takes.

 

Think of this as weight loss or paying off debt. If you try to starve yourself and lose the weight quicker than your body is supposed to, you're going to end up binge-eating and killing all your progress (which you've done a lot with NC). If you try to pay off all your debt right away instead of paying at a reasonable rate, you are not going to be able to pay your bills and you'll end up going into even more debt to cover those (which you've done).

 

It's not going to happen overnight. It's not going to be easy. But it will happen. And what's the alternative to not seeing No Contact through? Are you going to beg and plead like a weakling? Are you going to yell at her and get all emotional? Are you going to forsake all women and become bitter and jaded? I mean, what you are going through sucks, but if you continue it instead of succumbing to the urges like you have, you will get there. Trust me.

 

Most things worth doing in life are hard. That's why they have rewards and prizes at the end. Just chill out, relax, stick with the plan and keep it up as long as you need to. Don't f--k up the progress you have made out of impetuousness and impatience. For as much as it sucks now, you don't want to go back to ground zero do you?

Edited July 31, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[Michael 93]

Don't give up dude. One of the reasons you are stuck is that you've given up and caved so many times in the past. You don't get points for recovering quickly, and you aren't deducted points for taking a while. You just need to stick with it dude. Honestly, stop putting so much damn pressure on yourself to be over this by a certain time. Just do the work and no more cutting corners with No Contact. It takes as long as it takes.

 

Think of this as weight loss or paying off debt. If you try to starve yourself and lose the weight quicker than your body is supposed to, you're going to end up binge-eating and killing all your progress (which you've done a lot with NC). If you try to pay off all your debt right away instead of paying at a reasonable rate, you are not going to be able to pay your bills and you'll end up going into even more debt to cover those (which you've done).

 

It's not going to happen overnight. It's not going to be easy. But it will happen. And what's the alternative to not seeing No Contact through? Are you going to beg and plead like a weakling? Are you going to yell at her and get all emotional? Are you going to forsake all women and become bitter and jaded? I mean, what you are going through sucks, but if you continue it instead of succumbing to the urges like you have, you will get there. Trust me.

 

Most things worth doing in life are hard. That's why they have rewards and prizes at the end. Just chill out, relax, stick with the plan and keep it up as long as you need to. Don't f--k up the progress you have made out of impetuousness and impatience. For as much as it sucks now, you don't want to go back to ground zero do you?

 

 

Thank you man. I know it takes time. It's just really starting to get me down now. I mean c'mon I just don't want this anymore.

 

I am working my nuts off to become a better person and really get to know myself but truth be told there is never a day that I haven't thought about her yet and that's annoying. You were right previously when you said I am still focusing a lot of energy on her and I'm not in the right mindset at all.

 

Why is hearing her voice still affecting me like this? As soon as I put the phone down I had an urge to text and just say "how did it get to this?" or "I miss you so much" By answering that call does it mean my progress will be reset?

 

If this was 5 months ago I probably would of done that. I haven't and I'm not going to. But the urge was huge and that again shows sign of weakness.

 

I want to be at a point where I am happy and the thought of her means nothing to me at all. Your right I do need to chill out, that's my nature, panic and worry about everything.

 

And David.....Believe me man, please don't rub it in anymore. If you actually saw me you wouldn't think I was as sensitive as I am. I seem to have lost my nuts in transition, I feel more like a Fuc*** woman at the moment (no disrespect to you kind ladies who have assisted me on here) but its disgraceful as a male to be as emotional as I am right now.

 

I will say this... And I'll say it to the day I die. If you can get over someone you are deeply in love with you can do anything.

[David87]

Take it one step at a time, dont rush things.

[Michael 93]

Feel like I'm battling.

 

I'm getting exhausted. I hope to God I can just go to Venice and enjoy myself.

 

Don't feel anxious over the call now. Relaxed. Just bitterly disappointed.

[Michael 93]

Omg... Please seek counseling. One stupid call and you almost had a panic attack...

She has moved on and here you are after almost 1 year, still stuck in grief.

 

Bitterly disappointed??? Of what??

I guess disappointed at yourself. I'd be too if I were you.

 

Please, I do not have time for your negativity around me. Have I not previously stated that I am annoyed with myself?? I don't need you to clarify that for me as well.

 

I'm guessing you didn't suffer with anxiety or grief. I'm also guessing I'm the only one on this board still suffering after 7 months post B/U.

 

So for that please forgive me.

 

Thanks for your input. It was great.

[BC1980]

Don't be frustrated with yourself, and don't shame yourself for feeling certain emotions. That is the absolute worst thing you can do. Right now, you need to support yourself because it's going to get rough. I was reading back, and I realized out stories of NC are similar. I didn't go full NC until 8 months after the breakup, and the following 3 months were the worst by far. Moving on takes as long as it takes, and you aren't going to be able to go back to "normal." I used to wonder when I would feel the way I used to, but it's pretty impossible I've realized. That's not a bad thing because you grow and learn.

 

It worries me that you are shaming yourself for having all of these emotions and beating yourself up. That's not the way to go. Your feelings are completely normal and okay.

[BC1980]

Omg... Please seek counseling. One stupid call and you almost had a panic attack...

She has moved on and here you are after almost 1 year, still stuck in grief.

 

Bitterly disappointed??? Of what??

I guess disappointed at yourself. I'd be too if I were you.

 

You're not being helpful at all. There's really no need to rub in what he is feeling or persecute him for it. Don't minimize how he felt after the phone call. If you'd bothered to read his thread, you would see that he has been very open about his struggles and what he is feeling is completely normal.

 

It's uncalled for to come on here and minimize his feelings. We have all, you included, come here for support, so it's not helpful to judge where he is at in this process.

[irresolute]

You're not being helpful at all. There's really no need to rub in what he is feeling or persecute him for it. Don't minimize how he felt after the phone call. If you'd bothered to read his thread, you would see that he has been very open about his struggles and what he is feeling is completely normal.

 

It's uncalled for to come on here and minimize his feelings. We have all, you included, come here for support, so it's not helpful to judge where he is at in this process.

 

I'm not minimizing. I'm grieving myself.

maybe he needs a wake up call to realize it's over and that he needs to start living his life instead oh hoping what it's impossible to obtain.

 

either way, I still think he will benefit from counseling.

[Michael 93]

I just feel now as though I've not really moved forward at all.

 

And that's disappointing because I've been trying so hard.

 

The fact that it can still affect me in the way it does shows I have hardly moved forward. That's depressing.

 

I am determined to stay on the NC horse and just keep going. Why? Because it's all I have left. I don't wish to hurt anymore.

 

I may feel that a change of job could be in order. A fresh start. Away from memories, and internal phone lines and better pay!!

 

and Irresolute I don't mean to be rude but that's not the kind of words I need at the moment, I take your advice on board. If you re-read you will see I am trying to live my life. I don't plan trips to Venice or join badminton club or get a season ticket for my club for no reason. I am trying to keep as busy as possible and engaging with people. That's not the issue, The issue is I'm doing those things yet still cannot remove her from my thoughts and miss what we shared.

 

So please..

 

Before you comment on another thread where someone is feeling low please consider what you are writing, before you hurt someone more. I don't want this to come across rude just giving my point.

 

Counselling, after 7 months is pathetic. I am embarrassed by myself.

[BC1980]

I just feel now as though I've not really moved forward at all.

 

And that's disappointing because I've been trying so hard.

 

The fact that it can still affect me in the way it does shows I have hardly moved forward. That's depressing.

 

I am determined to stay on the NC horse and just keep going. Why? Because it's all I have left. I don't wish to hurt anymore.

 

I may feel that a change of job could be in order. A fresh start. Away from memories, and internal phone lines and better pay!!

 

and Irresolute I don't mean to be rude but that's not the kind of words I need at the moment, I take your advice on board. If you re-read you will see I am trying to live my life. I don't plan trips to Venice or join badminton club or get a season ticket for my club for no reason. I am trying to keep as busy as possible and engaging with people. That's not the issue, The issue is I'm doing those things yet still cannot remove her from my thoughts and miss what we shared.

 

So please..

 

Before you comment on another thread where someone is feeling low please consider what you are writing, before you hurt someone more. I don't want this to come across rude just giving my point.

 

Counselling, after 7 months is pathetic. I am embarrassed by myself.

 

The thing is that it's only been 3 weeks since you started NC. The finality of it is going to hit you now, and that's really hard. I found that staying in contact puts you into a denial state, so you don't ever make much progress. It may have been 7 months time wise, but, emotionally, you've been stagnant. When I stayed in contact with my ex, I kept reliving the same cycle for months, never believing it was truly over. The really hard part is actually when you go final NC because you are forced to accept it's over. People put it off because it's much worse but for a shorter time.