My wife does not feel the same about me anymore

[Brian Smith]

Three weeks ago I never would have believed that I would be in this position. I was confused be caused my wife seemed to be withdrawing from me and avoiding contact. She came out with "I do not feel the same way about you any more you are a very nice man and an excellent father to our three children but I don't just don't feel the same anymore".

 

I then spent the best part of two weeks making things much, much worse by pursuing her and trying to make her change her mind. I became very suspicious of her reasoning that there must be someone else involved. She had left her email logged in and when I checked it I found a lot of flirtatious emails between her and a colleague from her new job. She has also been spending a lot of time in work. Leaving before the kids are out of bed and often returning at or just after bedtime. There was no hard evidence of an affair but she was definitely very friendly with this person and I was not even aware of his existence so she had definitely been keeping it a secret from me. I confronted her about it and she went totally nuts accusing me of not trusting her because he was just a friends and telling me that she would never forgive me for checking her email ( I am ashamed that I did this but have never done anything like that before I found out that she does not think she loves me).

 

Things have improved a little in the past week. She is extremely busy and stressed with a work project that ends in three weeks after which she says she wants to try to save the marriage. There was a rider though that at the moment it seems hopeless but is not ready to give up. At the moment she does not want to talk about things because she has to focus on work as a lot of people are relying on her. She thinks that we have been drifting apart since she started her new job and that we now have almost separate lives (we used to work at the same place).

 

We currently sleep in separate rooms and do not spend much time together but since I stopped trying to change her mind communication has become easier. We do things together with the kids and we are taking them out for the day together tomorrow. I am finding the waiting difficult but am respecting her desire for space. I'm focussing on friends (but am not allowed to tell them about this) hobbies and the kids. I know that I cannot make her love me but really do hope that she wants to make a go of things - I didn't realise that I was making her so unhappy. Any advice.

[lvroflife]

This seems very hopeful to be fixed! Why? Because you both want to fix it!! With couples counseling and work you two should be fine.

 

I have never been married, but my parents have been married for 48 years and they both told me you have to be ready to fall in and out of love over and over with your marriage partner!! Take this time to think back of all the things you use to do that made her choose you and fall for you.. Make a list of those things. Then when you guys are mending bring them out.. Send your kids away for a few days and act like you two are dating again... You two lost the magic but the love is still there you can bring her back..

 

She flirted with this guy because he was fresh, new, exciing, and carefree... You can be those things too, but you just placed them to the back burner because you have a family to take care of and you are a dad, husband, and provider... Reach back and bring out that fun carefree man, and watch how she comes to you!!

[TaraMaiden]

This seems very hopeful to be fixed! Why? Because you both want to fix it!! With couples counseling and work you two should be fine.

 

I have never been married, but my parents have been married for 48 years and they both told me you have to be ready to fall in and out of love over and over with your marriage partner!! Take this time to think back of all the things you use to do that made her choose you and fall for you.. Make a list of those things. Then when you guys are mending bring them out.. Send your kids away for a few days and act like you two are dating again... You two lost the magic but the love is still there you can bring her back..

 

She flirted with this guy because he was fresh, new, exciing, and carefree... You can be those things too, but you just placed them to the back burner because you have a family to take care of and you are a dad, husband, and provider... Reach back and bring out that fun carefree man, and watch how she comes to you!!

sadly, in my experience, this is utterly inaccurate.

 

Things have improved because you've eased off.

She sees your easing off as accepting that you're no longer interested in saving this - which suits her fine.

 

She had an emotional affair - in other words, whatever died in your marriage - and it must have been somewhat stagnant, lumbering along for a while - she found, resurrected or discovered in this liaison with this work colleague.

Sure it was new exciting and fresh - but it was also different to you.

her turning the blame onto you for snooping is a much-used way by guiltly spouses of turning the 'blame-tables' onto the innocent partner.

 

She doesn't want you to talk about it, chiefly because she's the 'culpable' one.

 

Don't hang your hopes on her wanting to save the marriage.

She favours separate sleeping arrangements because that also relieves any possible obligation on her part for 'make-up sex'.

She wants her space?

Red flag....

Something within her died.

Things will never be the same again....

 

You think this is cynical and negative?

Have you any idea how many times I and my fellow long-term members have seen this scenario played, over, and over, and over again, by BOTH genders....?

[Brian Smith]

I do have more hope now but feel like I am stuck in limbo. I am trying my best to act normal and happy when she is home - I think I've been doing thus really well for the past week. I did bring up the idea of counselling, but she will not hear of it. She became quite angry at the suggestion of talking to a stranger about our problems an felt that as an intelligent person she would be able to sort things out herself.

 

She has explained that a lot of this is to do with her. She has drifted along but has not really been growing as a person. She has few friends outside of work and thinks that we both unhealthily rely upon each other too much. She also said that she cannot look at me at the moment without feeling guilty. I'm upset that she has been unhappy for months but did not discuss things with me.

 

I am maybe a little paranoid that she is keeping me at bay until after her project is finished but does not really want to sort things out. I worry that there is more to her friendship. I know I must stop thinking like this and try to trust my wife again.

[lvroflife]

My tune has changed now! She feels guilty when she looks at you because more likely than not something with this fling happened! And the fact she does not want to seek counseling is another red flag... If she was in for saving this marriage she would pull out all stops too... The only way to figure out what happened when you two started to drift is to talk and you would need a mediator or counselor to guide you two through this...

 

I am sorry man, but it sounds like she maybe gone..

[Brian Smith]

I thought this too. However when I said that "if the situation really is hopeless an you don't love me then I agree we should split up whilst trying to stay civil and co-parent". She told me that this was not what she wanted and that she really did want the marriage to work but did not want to give me false hope that things would be easily fixed.

 

She is adamant that there is no affair.

[TaraMaiden]

I do have more hope now but feel like I am stuck in limbo. I am trying my best to act normal and happy when she is home

Don't. This is as good as lying to her, and worse, lying to yourself.

Things are NOT ok.

This does not - and should not - all go her way. Appeasing her and complying with her wishes does nothing to remedy your situation.

 

- I think I've been doing thus really well for the past week. I did bring up the idea of counselling, but she will not hear of it. She became quite angry at the suggestion of talking to a stranger about our problems an felt that as an intelligent person she would be able to sort things out herself.

Unacceptable. Either she agrees to counselling or you would like her to move out as soon as possible.

Say it, mean it and follow through.

Some of the most intelligent people I know are the ones most in need of outside assitance. They think they can think their way out of a situation, but all they do is succeed in tying themselves in knots.

Start laying down some ground-rules, or come to terms with the fact that you have lost her for good.

I think she actually needs you to grow a pair and show her what you're made of. She's walking all over you, and you're letting her.

 

She has explained that a lot of this is to do with her. She has drifted along but has not really been growing as a person. She has few friends outside of work and thinks that we both unhealthily rely upon each other too much.

It's important for couples within a relationship to realise they're not joined at the hip. each person deserves a life of their own. So I can see her point. The problem is, she's hit this at a gallop and left you reeling in her afterburn....

 

She also said that she cannot look at me at the moment without feeling guilty. I'm upset that she has been unhappy for months but did not discuss things with me.

Damn right she feels guilty, and damn right you are, to be upset.

 

I am maybe a little paranoid that she is keeping me at bay until after her project is finished but does not really want to sort things out.

You're catching on....

 

I worry that there is more to her friendship. I know I must stop thinking like this and try to trust my wife again

She doesn't deserve your trust.

She has to re-earn it. She has to understand that as the person looking outside her marriage for the frisson of a new venture, however slight or intense it might be, she betrayed the sanctity of the trust you agreed to place in one another at the altar.

You don't have to trust her until she demonstrates to you that she can be.

[TaraMaiden]

I thought this too. However when I said that "if the situation really is hopeless an you don't love me then I agree we should split up whilst trying to stay civil and co-parent". She told me that this was not what she wanted and that she really did want the marriage to work but did not want to give me false hope that things would be easily fixed.

In other words -

"I'd be happy continuing to live under the same roof as you and give the world the impression that everything is hunky-dory between us, and carry on with the facade - but you and I are essentially finished, and as such we're very good friends/room-mates co-habitees. I love you but am sure as hell no longer IN love with you."

 

She is adamant that there is no affair.

She can be as adamant as she likes.

Simply because nothing carnal took place, the fact that she even ventured to speak with this man at all is questionable to say the least.

"Never do away from your spouse, what you wouldn't do IN FRONT of your spouse."

[Lei Ping]

Three weeks ago I never would have believed that I would be in this position. I was confused be caused my wife seemed to be withdrawing from me and avoiding contact. She came out with "I do not feel the same way about you any more you are a very nice man and an excellent father to our three children but I don't just don't feel the same anymore".

 

I then spent the best part of two weeks making things much, much worse by pursuing her and trying to make her change her mind. I became very suspicious of her reasoning that there must be someone else involved. She had left her email logged in and when I checked it I found a lot of flirtatious emails between her and a colleague from her new job. She has also been spending a lot of time in work. Leaving before the kids are out of bed and often returning at or just after bedtime. There was no hard evidence of an affair but she was definitely very friendly with this person and I was not even aware of his existence so she had definitely been keeping it a secret from me. I confronted her about it and she went totally nuts accusing me of not trusting her because he was just a friends and telling me that she would never forgive me for checking her email ( I am ashamed that I did this but have never done anything like that before I found out that she does not think she loves me).

 

Things have improved a little in the past week. She is extremely busy and stressed with a work project that ends in three weeks after which she says she wants to try to save the marriage. There was a rider though that at the moment it seems hopeless but is not ready to give up. At the moment she does not want to talk about things because she has to focus on work as a lot of people are relying on her. She thinks that we have been drifting apart since she started her new job and that we now have almost separate lives (we used to work at the same place).

 

We currently sleep in separate rooms and do not spend much time together but since I stopped trying to change her mind communication has become easier. We do things together with the kids and we are taking them out for the day together tomorrow. I am finding the waiting difficult but am respecting her desire for space. I'm focussing on friends (but am not allowed to tell them about this) hobbies and the kids. I know that I cannot make her love me but really do hope that she wants to make a go of things - I didn't realise that I was making her so unhappy. Any advice.

This scenario happened to two friends of mine. They were both in similar situations wherein their Wives expressed dissatisfaction with the marriage.

 

 

One of the Guys, a very successful attorney around 50, in great shape and young for his age tried everything in the book to change her mind but she simply wasn't interested and she took the Kids and left him right around Christmas. This Guy could not accept that this could happen to him. His Family was his life and he took the failure of his marriage as a personal failure. Long story short, it took him less than a year to literally drink himself to death and it wasn't pretty.

 

 

Another Guy, same age, equally successful in his career was having the same problem at home. His Wife hadn't left but she was totally disconnected both physically and emotionally. I talked him into going to the Caribbean which I'd planned with a few other mutual acquaintances and he needed the time away from his situation so he came along. On the last night of his long weekend 'Mancation' we had a small party to celebrate one of the Guys' 60th birthday. There was an adjacent party celebrating a wedding and the two parties intermingled and became one. There he met a Woman who was 40ish, a local who was well...gorgeous. They ended up talking together and dancing into the wee hours under the warn Caribbean breeze and when the party broke up they exchanged contact and he left the next day for home.

 

 

I saw him the following week and he'd booked a vacation for him and his Wife to the same Island and when they got back he'd completely reconnected with her, moreso than at any time in their marriage. That was 5 years ago, their youngest is off to college and they're the happiest pair of "empty nesters" I know. He'd learned the most important lesson of all. She wasn't the keeper of his "mojo". He was.

[Brian Smith]

I don't think I am lying to myself. I am trying to act normal until she is ready to address the problem. Which she has promised to do in a few weeks time.

 

Pushing her to deal with things now was not working and the atmosphere in the house was toxic. Now things are calmer. The children need me around because she is focused or obsessed with her job. My little girl is three and the boys are 4 and 9. I think that I need to make sure that I give this a chance and trust that she means what she says.

 

I will find out for sure if she is genuine in a few weeks which isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things. Also I have nowhere to go right now and cannot afford this house on my own. We have discussed how it might work if we split for the kids and we both agree that we would have to live together for a while until we could afford a deposit for one of us to get another property. But again during this discussion she again told me that this was not what she wants and she really does want to sort things out.

[harrybrown]

She is having an affair.

 

She is guilty when she looks at you.

 

I am sorry, but you can't nice her out of this affair.

 

You have to get to the point where you are fine with her of without her.

 

How would she feel if you were having an affair?

 

Help her out. File for divorce. Tell her you will take care of the kids, she can go pack her bags and go live with the OM.

[Brian Smith]

I did invite her to move out back in week 1. She said no. I have no evidence that there is anything other than a friendship in work. If I accuse her again and she is actually innocent I will be making my situation worse. I will not just be nice if she does not give us a chance in 3 weeks time. I will then tell her to move out and will file for divorce although without evidence I have no grounds and she has said that she foes not want a divorce.

[TaraMaiden]

The atmosphere was toxic because you were fighting something you couldn't see, and she was resisting the challenge.

Separation doesn't have to be conflicting.

You put the kids to bed, and you have a quiet, calm, logical, sensible talk with her.

ask her to just listen, and to not interrupt.

You tell her you intend to book counselling sessions but if she refuses, you will consider the separation - albeit under one roof - 'official' and you have no intention of hiding it from others.

Your (Joint) priority is the welfare and well-being of your children.

But you cannot continue with this farce and pretend everything is hunky dory when it isn't.

 

You need her to meet you half-way with this: you are equal partners in this marriage, and while you accept responsibility for anything you might have been negligent about, you BOTH owe it to each other to speak in front of an arbiter and sort this mess out one way or another.

if she complains that you're painting her into a corner, ask her - then what the hell does she think she's doing to you - ?

No.

You both need to face uncomfortable truths. it's going to be painful at times, but it's essential, if only to put you both on level pegging, because right now you feel you're drowning in jello.

[Brian Smith]

I intend to do as you say in 3 weeks time. I agree with what you are saying but also know that she is totally stressed out with her workload ( she is putting in 15 - 16 hours a day). She works for hours after getting home from work as well as when she is there. I believe that she genuinely cannot deal with the situation in our marriage until this period if stress ends.

[TaraMaiden]

Hang in there. This thread will still be here when you need it.

[chelsea2011]

Brian, you need a reality check. Go post this in the "Infidelity" forum and the posters thre will set you straight. You are being gaslighted by your wife and she's handing you a bunch of hogwash.

[Brian Smith]

Thanks for your blunt assessment of the state of my marriage.

 

I am fully aware that my wife may be having a full blown affair and is possibly preparing to leave for another man and it is going to hurt a lot.

 

However it might be that there is no affair and she does want to sort our marriage out. Maybe she is totally confused and it was just an infatuation.

 

Maybe she had an affair and is justifying it by pretending to herself that the marriage was worse than it actually was.

 

Maybe there is no affair but she us not happy with how our marriage has turned out and is fed up of trying to make it work and she will leave me.

 

Perhaps she will choose to talk me through what has happened and together we can try to improve our marriage.

 

Until I know what exactly the issue is I do not know how to act.

 

I do accept that the most likely outcome at the moment is divorce. I am the only one who is trying to save the relationship at the moment. I hope she decides to join me in 3 weeks time. At the moment though I am not ready to give up all hope and believe that there is something worth fighting for.

[loversquarrel]

I have been there, handled it similarly at FIRST, but changed drastically over time. I morphed into one resentful avenging SOB and I can tell you there will be quite a difference in your wife's behavior if you ever decide to man up and lower the "boom".

 

You need therapy for you. You can't and shouldn't keep it bottled up - why should you carry the burden of your wife's indiscretions? I wouldn't bother worrying about inconveniencing her, she certainly didn't take your feeling's into account. Her reaction is typical of cheaters, get used to this behavior until you decide to take a stand. There are many, many of us here who will offer our support and kick your arse in if you fail to take charge of your life.

[CarrieT]

Here is something you can do:

 

IF her work relationship really, truly is nothing other than a friendship, ask her to invite the "friend" home to meet you. Real friendships are ones that can be open to scrutiny between spouses.

 

I am a married woman with LOTS of male friends - and my husband has met every single one of them and knows the extent of the friendships.

 

If your wife is reticent about sharing her "friendship" with you, then it is undoubtedly an affair; maybe not yet physical, but at least emotional and one you should demand be ended, if she wants the marriage to continue.

 

Don't give her the space and satisfaction to "figure it out" herself. Put her on the hot seat and demand resolution.

[chelsea2011]

Thanks for your blunt assessment of the state of my marriage.

 

I am fully aware that my wife may be having a full blown affair and is possibly preparing to leave for another man and it is going to hurt a lot.

 

However it might be that there is no affair and she does want to sort our marriage out. Maybe she is totally confused and it was just an infatuation.

 

Maybe she had an affair and is justifying it by pretending to herself that the marriage was worse than it actually was.

 

Maybe there is no affair but she us not happy with how our marriage has turned out and is fed up of trying to make it work and she will leave me.

 

Perhaps she will choose to talk me through what has happened and together we can try to improve our marriage.

 

Until I know what exactly the issue is I do not know how to act.

 

I do accept that the most likely outcome at the moment is divorce. I am the only one who is trying to save the relationship at the moment. I hope she decides to join me in 3 weeks time. At the moment though I am not ready to give up all hope and believe that there is something worth fighting for.

 

I didn't mean to offend you. Was just seeing red flags in your story dude. That's all. I hope you're right and she can be taken at her word. I've been reading over in the "Infidelity" forums and your story seems to fit the profile at first glance. Anyhow, you know her better than me, so good luck.

[bubbaganoosh]

Perhaps she will choose to talk me through what has happened and together we can try to improve our marriage.

 

This tell me that very soon when you look at yourself in the mirror, you'll see tire tracks from her car when she ran you over.

 

"Perhaps she will choose to talk to me etc" Look she's not under as much strain as you think she is. She's getting her ducks in a row and your helping her by being the good boy and getting out of her road.

 

Pal you better take the bull by the horns and take charge of the situation. So far she's the ring master and your the clown. Your going to lose real bad if you let this continue.

 

What gives her the right to put you on hold for three weeks. If she's wants the marriage to work then putting her husband and the problems they have on the back burner tells me and everyone else that you just not that important. Make changes and make yourself the top priority with her.

[TaraMaiden]

In one way or another, in harsher or more gentle terms, everyone here has repeated what I have commented and advised.

 

Regarding your wife's friendship with this man, it's exactly as I put it: If she wouldn't do it in front of you, she shouldn't do it behind your back, so yeah - inviting this guy over for a beer, will pin her feelings down.

 

Everyone's right, VB

 

Brian;

and I get your reticence, reluctance or hesitancy to do anything right now; but you're simply bending over backwrds for a woman who would probably never do the same for you.

Let's ask:

Knowing her as you do, if she felt you were having an affair with someone, what would her reaction be?

My suspicion is that she'd hurl you out onto the sidewalk - THEN talk to you.

 

A lot of responses from guys here, too... so it's not bias - you have a good cross-section of members rooting for you....

[Zimber]

Brian, you're in denial and you're being terribly disrespected in your marriage. I've been through a similar experience and am divorced now. I got the same fights, excuses, push backs, her telling me I need help bla bla bla, but then I caught her cold - liar! I was the devoted husband working hard, practically raising our son by myself (yes, I'm primary parent now).

 

When I look back, the only way I could have saved that marriage was to slam the door in her face hard! You are being a doormat. Don't be too surprised when you find out that she's not only paying attention to this project and this other man, but has already been working on an exit strategy that will favor her and catch you completely off guard. You may be "invited to move out" and the law will be behind her "offering".

 

At the minimum, you need to seek legal counsel and find out your rights and how you can protect yourself (and your children frankly - if your wife seeks intimacy outside your relationship with you not knowing there is even a problem - sounds like hypergamy to me). Start protecting yourself so you don't find yourself homeless, only able to see your children every other weekend, broke because you're paying 3/4 of your salary for child and spousal support.

 

Act and act now. If she wants to work things out, she will attend counseling with you, open up her email to you, and stop playing with that guy.

 

If you're passive, you've already lost friend. You're dealing with a mind drunk on dopamine and serotonin. This woman needs a shock to snap her back to reality.

 

Regardless if you believe me or not, I do really encourage you to find out how / if you can protect yourself if your worst fear comes true. I'm certain you believe in insurance right?

 

Disclaimer: my opinions are based on my life experiences, knowledge and occasionally jaded perceptions of modern day relationships.

 

I truly hope this one turns around. I hate seeing breakups when there are young children.

 

Zimber.

[ZMM]

She is having an affair.

 

Maybe she is not having one. Maybe she realized she was no longer attracted to her husband in a romantic way. Maybe she could tell she was attracted to one or more people outside of her H. Maybe she decided she would talk to her H about it, because she didn't want to have an A, but wasn't happy being married to someone she is no longer in love with. People do grow apart. People do tire of each other.

[TaraMaiden]

No - she's having an affair, albeit (as far as we know) an Emotional one only.

 

so far.