My wife does not feel the same about me anymore

[ZMM]

No - she's having an affair, albeit (as far as we know) an Emotional one only.

 

so far.

 

How do you know, because there were a few flirtatious emails? How do you know what he means by flirtatious? Flirty does not make an affair.

 

Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. Maybe he chooses to believe her at this point.

[ZMM]

Thanks for your blunt assessment of the state of my marriage.

 

I am fully aware that my wife may be having a full blown affair and is possibly preparing to leave for another man and it is going to hurt a lot.

 

However it might be that there is no affair and she does want to sort our marriage out. Maybe she is totally confused and it was just an infatuation.

 

Maybe she had an affair and is justifying it by pretending to herself that the marriage was worse than it actually was.

 

Maybe there is no affair but she us not happy with how our marriage has turned out and is fed up of trying to make it work and she will leave me.

 

Perhaps she will choose to talk me through what has happened and together we can try to improve our marriage.

 

Until I know what exactly the issue is I do not know how to act.

 

I do accept that the most likely outcome at the moment is divorce. I am the only one who is trying to save the relationship at the moment. I hope she decides to join me in 3 weeks time. At the moment though I am not ready to give up all hope and believe that there is something worth fighting for.

 

Yeah, all those are possibilities.

[oldshirt]

Tara Maiden, Zimber et al are all on the money.

 

 

 

 

I'll address some other things on a point by point basis here in a moment.

[oldshirt]

I was confused be caused my wife seemed to be withdrawing from me and avoiding contact. She came out with "I do not feel the same way about you any more you are a very nice man and an excellent father to our three children but I don't just don't feel the same anymore".

 

 

 

THIS CAN BE SUMMED UP AS "I LOVE YOU BUT NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU." (ILYBNILWY) AND ALMOST MEANS, "I HAVE FOUND SOMEONE ELSE THAT IS TURNING ME ON MORE THAN YOU."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I then spent the best part of two weeks making things much, much worse by pursuing her and trying to make her change her mind.

 

 

 

 

YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER MIND BECAUSE SHE IS RESPONDING TO HER BIOLOGY. STOP PURSUING HER. START TAKING ACTION TO PROTECT YOUR OWN HOME, FINANCES, RESOURCES AND RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILDREN. SMACK DOWN HER AFFAIR. STATE YOUR DEMANDS TO SAVE YOUR MARRAIGE.

 

 

SHE WILL EITHER FOLLOW YOU OR NOT.

 

 

 

 

She had left her email logged in and when I checked it I found a lot of flirtatious emails between her and a colleague from her new job. She has also been spending a lot of time in work. Leaving before the kids are out of bed and often returning at or just after bedtime.

 

 

THAT MEANS SHE IS NUTURING AND CULTIVATING THE AFFAIR.

 

 

 

 

There was no hard evidence of an affair

 

 

THAT ABOVE IS HARD EVIDENCE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

but she was definitely very friendly with this person and I was not even aware of his existence so she had definitely been keeping it a secret from me.

 

 

RELATIONSHIPS KEPT SECRET ARE AFFAIRS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I confronted her about it and she went totally nuts accusing me of not trusting her because he was just a friends

 

 

"JUST FRIENDS' IS THE BATTLE CRY OF ECERY SINGLE CHEATER ON THE PLANET IN THE OPENING SALVO. NO AFFAIR STARTS OUT WITH THE PLAYERS SAYING, 'HELLO, MY NAME IS______, AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and telling me that she would never forgive me for checking her email

 

 

THAT IS ALSO THE CLASSIC FIRST COUNTERATTACK OF A CHEATER. SO FAR THIS IS TEXTBOOK.

 

 

 

 

( I am ashamed that I did this

 

 

FCK SHAME. YOU SENSED SOMETHING WAS WRONG IN YOUR MARRAIGE AND YOU INVESTIGATED IT. THAT IS YOUR RIGHT AND YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AS A HUSBAND AND A FATHER. OWN THAT! MAKE NO BONES ABOUT THAT YOU'LL DO IT AGAIN IF MEANS SAVING YOUR MARRAIGE AND PRESERVING YOUR CHILDRENS HOME.

 

 

GROW SOME BALLS. SHE WANTS AND NEEDS BALLS RIGHT NOW. CURRENTLY THE OM HAS THE BALLS AND SHE IS BEING DRAWN TO HIM.

 

 

EITHER YOU KICK THE BITCH OUT AND MOVE ON OR YOU GROW BALLS AND KEEP HER DRAWN TO YOU. SHE'LL BE DRAWN TO WHERE THE BALLS ARE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things have improved a little in the past week.

 

 

 

 

NO THEY HAVE GOTTEN WORSE FOR YOU. IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S IMPROVED BECAUSE SHE'S GETTING HER WAY AND ISN'T BEING PISSY WITH YOU.

 

 

 

 

She is extremely busy and stressed with a work project that ends in three weeks after which she says she wants to try to save the marriage.

 

 

CORRECTION, SHE WANTS A FEW WEEKS TO SEE IF THIS OM IS GOING TO WORK OUT OR NOT AND WANTS TO KEEP YOU OUT OF THE WAY BUT STILL ON THE SHELF AS A BACK UP PLAN IN CASE THINGS DON'T WORK OUT WITH HIM.

 

 

There was a rider though that at the moment it seems hopeless but is not ready to give up.

 

 

THERE ARE NO "RIDERS" EITHER SHE IS IN OR SHE IS OUT. SHE IS EITHER GOING TO WORK ON THE MARRIAGE AND KICK OM TO THE CURB RIGHT HERE AND NOW OR SHE IS THE ONE ON THE CURB.

 

 

 

 

At the moment she does not want to talk about things because she has to focus on work as a lot of people are relying on her.

 

 

 

 

SHE CAN DO IT FROM THE CURB THEN.

 

 

She thinks that we have been drifting apart since she started her new job and that we now have almost separate lives

 

 

 

 

THIS IS BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN GETTING HER HORMONE RUSHES FROM THE OM.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We currently sleep in separate rooms and do not spend much time together but since I stopped trying to change her mind communication has become easier.

 

 

NO HER AFFAIR HAS BECOME EASIER BECAUSE SHE HASN'T HAD TO MAKE A CHOICE AND CONTEND WITH DECIDING WHETHER TO STAY AND WORK ON MARRIAGE OR LEAVE.

 

 

YOU ARE MAKING THIS EASY ON HER AND SHE IS REWARDING YOU BY GIVING YOU PEACE AND QUIET.

 

 

GET USED TO PEACE AND QUIET WHEN YOU ARE IN YOUR ONE-ROOM APARTMENT WHILE SHE IS OUT LIVING IT UP WITH THIS OM.

 

 

THIS IS THE TIME FOR ROCKETS RED GLARE AND BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR. NOT FOR PEACE AND TRANGUILITY.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am finding the waiting difficult but am respecting her desire for space.

 

 

AND HANDING HER OVER TO THE OM ON A SILVER PLATTER IN THE PROCESS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm focussing on friends (but am not allowed to tell them about this)

 

 

 

 

YOU ARE HANDING HER THIS AFFAIR ON A SILVER PLATTER WITH A ROLLED OUT RED CARPET. THIS IS THE TIME FOR WAR AND BLOODSHED AND SCORCHED EARTH. NOT COMPLIANCE AND CAPITULATION.

 

 

SHE CHOOSES MARRIAGE OR DIVORCE OR YOU TAKE THE EMAILS AND DETAILS OF HER AFFAIR TO HER PARENTS AND SIBLINGS, THE OM'S WIFE AND TO HER EMPLOYERS SINCE THIS IS TAKING PLACE ON COMPANY TIME. YOU MUST BE READY TO NUKE THIS LITTLE OFFICE GRAB-ASSING FROM ORBIT IF YOU WANT TO STAND THE LEAST CHANCE OF COMING OUT ON TOP IN THE END.

 

 

SHE WANTS TO PLAY GRAB-ASS AT THE OFFICE, HER PARENTS, SIBLINGS, OTHER MAN'S WIFE AND EMPLOYER HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW THE REAL REASON SHE HAS TO TAKE TIME OFF TO SEE THE LAWYER.

 

 

SHE'S THE BAD GUY. DON'T LET HER SWEEP THIS UNDER THE RUG AND LET HER TURN THIS AROUND AND SAY THAT THINGS JUST WEREN'T WORKING OUT WITH YOU.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

. I know that I cannot make her love me but really do hope that she wants to make a go of things

 

 

YOU CAN'T MAKE HER LOVE YOU BUT YOU CAN DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND AND NOT LET HER MANIPULATE YOU, MAKE A FOOL OF YOU OR WALK ALL OVER YOU.

 

 

GROW SOME BALLS AND STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR RIGHTS AS A HUSBAND AND FATHER.

 

 

 

 

- I didn't realise that I was making her so unhappy.

 

 

YOU WEREN'T MAKING HER UNHAPPY. YOU JUST WEREN'T GIVING HER THE HORMONE RUSH OF EXCITEMENT AND SEXUALITY THAT THIS OM HAS. HE HAS THE ADVANTAGE OF BEING SOMEONE NEW AND DIFFERENT. YOU HAVE THE HOME COURT ADVANTAGE. YOU GROW SOME BALLS AND GO APE LIKE A SILVER BACK GORILLA WHEN A NEW MALE COMES SNIFFING INTO HIS HAREM AND YOU MAY STAND A CHANCE. YOU KEEP PLAYING ACCOMIDATING BETA BOY AND YOU HAND HER OVER ON A SILVER PLATTER.

 

 

 

 

Any advice.

 

 

 

Read my capitalized responses above.

 

 

you MIGHT be able to turn this around if you act decisively and with the finess of a sledgehammer right frick'n now.

 

 

if you keep up this pussy-foot'n and trying to nice her back, we can all guarantee you one of a couple things will happen -

 

 

- she will leave you for OM

 

 

or

 

 

- OM will not take her fulltime and she will come back to you as the booby-prize and she will not love or respect you any more and you will live in a passionless, sexless marriage until she finds her next guy which will be just a matter of months to a year or so.

 

 

If you smash all this down and call her out on her crap and demand to be treated with dignity and respect and expect her to live up to her roles as your wife and mother, she will either step up to the plate or she will pack her sht and leave cleanly which will allow you to move on swiftly and cleanly.

 

 

You have the right to demand her to be all-in or all-out.

 

 

This is the hill to die on and this is the defining moment and the test of your mettle as a man, husband and father.

[Brian Smith]

Well I have taken your advice. I have told her that I want her to show me she is serious about saving the marriage and attend counselling or move out.

 

She was quite upset by my ultimatum but this time actually talked about the real reasons for doing this. She does really want to save the marriage because she us scared of being alone and does not want the kids to be without both parents. She told me how she felt because she has been feeling different about me for about a year and felt that I deserved to know the truth. She knew that the way she was treating me - being distant, rarely showing affection was making me unhappy. There really is nobody else involved - she hadn't got time to have an affair, there is no chance of her meeting someone outside if work as she rarely goes out and in work she is the boss.

 

She thinks that I have been jealous about the time she spends at work and this has made her feel guilty. She also has lost some interest in sex, but I am always trying to get her to make love to me and when she declines this makes me upset. Again this makes her feel guilty. She also knows that she is not being a good mother and that I am taking up all of the slack at home and again this has been making her feel guilty because she knows she should do more because I also have a full time responsible job. These feelings of guilt on her part and anger/ confusion on mine have been building for a while and has made her raise her barriers.

 

At present she does not feel anything romantic towards me but she thinks that her feelings may be buried behind her feelings of guilt and her work stress. She wants me to wait a few more weeks because she really does want things to work out but knows that it is not going to be easy and will likely take a lot of time and a lot of emotional energy. She knows that it is selfish to make me wait but has to do her job well because a lot of people are relying on her success and she feels a lot of pressure to be successful.

 

She is hurt that I did not trust her to not be having an affair because if she did not want this marriage to work she would have already left. She thinks that we need to start all over again without putting each other under pressure as friends first until the feelings of hurt and guilt go away and then she would like us to start dating again. We also need to rebuild our trust in each other.

 

She said that she recognises that she would be much worse off without me in her life both financially and because of the support that I give her by looking after the kids etc.. She is afraid of being alone and really does value our marriage. She is hopeful that her feelings will return when she has stopped feeling stressed and guilty. She refuses to move out and does not want me to go either because us being together is really important to the children. She says that the problem is mainly hers because she is so career driven that it does not leave much time for me and she feels that she has even less time for herself. She sometimes just wants to be alone and read a book but again feels guilty because she knows I want some of her time.

 

After this she hugged me for a while and said I know this is hard but I really need to be able to do my job and then afterwards I promise that we will work hard to get the feeling back. She said that isn't easy for me either and I hate myself for doing this to us but I did not want to lie to you and wanted to be honest and get it all out into the open so that we could sort it out.

 

She seemed genuine to me. Meanwhile she wants us to carry on doing things together with the kids start communicating normally again without there being an atmosphere in the room. She thinks that this is our best chance.

[TaraMaiden]

Guys.... can you....?

I just can't.

The poor guy is dying a slow death here....

 

In a nutshell;

There's no talk of 'love' there.

Plenty of talk about the kids, and keeping a unified front for their sake (worst possible reason!) and she is hoping things will get better.

Well let me tell you, as a woman who left a 26-year marriage, I am telling you -

 

You can't revive a dead thing.

 

You can fool yourself a lot of the time, have flashes of affection and kid yourself everything's going to be just fine, but trust me on this one.

 

It's all just delaying the inevitable.

 

She's left it too late.

And she's doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Edited February 23, 2014 by TaraMaiden

[Brian Smith]

Well I certainly will be upset if my wife does decide to call it a day. I think that I would survive after a lengthy period of sadness. I'd still have my job, I'd still see my kids and who knows in a few years time I may meet another woman - I'd certainly be in no rush though.

 

Being with my wife is my preference, I still love her and am not ready to throw in the towel. I will likely not feel this way forever. I wont put up with being treated like this long term. I think I could survive and indeed thrive very well without her, I do not think that I depend on her for my happiness. However I should not be too hasty, if you are right Tara then likely it makes no difference if I end it know or if I wait a few weeks and find out the worst. I think I owe it to my kids to give us the chance to work on the relationship like my wife says she wants to.

 

I will know soon enough if she is genuine. I have places to stay ( plenty of family live close by) if thing go totally tits up and I have started to mentally prepare myself for this eventuality. I am focussing much more in work again as I obviously cannot allow that to slide. I know there may be no fixing this but I won't know for sure unless I try.

[2sunny]

I think she's had time to develop a plan to keep you from having her leave.

 

And it does look like she's cheating.

 

She's also afraid to be alone - and that's a good enough reason why you need to stay with a busy wife who finds enough time to flirt with other men- but no time for kids and hubby? That is a load of crap from her!!!

 

Hire a PI - find out what she is doing.

 

When you found she wasn't being honest - she lost her rights to request anything because she COULD have told you a year ago that she was unhappy - but she didn't!!!

 

Is bet she really wants you to stay. It gives her the freedom to do as she pleases while you tend to the home life she's ignoring.

 

No consequences means it just keeps on happening.

 

Expose to family and friends. She feels guilty because she has done things she shouldn't be doing!

 

Is the OM married? If so, tell his wife now!

 

 

Whatever SHE wants holds no merit! She lost the right to choose when she became involved with the OM.

 

I think her words are designed to keep you quiet. It worked, right?

 

You deserve a wife who stays connected and participates in the M - not one who ignores you then expects you to do nothing while it's obvious she certainly has enough time and energy to flirt with someone else.

 

I'd have her leave now - and tell her you need your own time and space to consider what is best for you/ your kids.

 

You shouldn't leave - she should.

Edited February 23, 2014 by 2sunny

[Brian Smith]

I have asked her to leave, She refuses but did agree to go for a week. She again says that she really wants to save our marriage and that she wishes that I could do what we had agreed - wait until her project is over and then try to get the love back.

 

Legally I cannot stop her living in the house as we are married and have a joint mortgage. If we divorce I may not get the kids or keep the house. At the moment she is the one who keeps telling me that she does not want to divorce.

 

When I threatened to leave myself she actually stopped me. Telling me that she understands it is difficult but we should not give up so easily.

 

As regards the flirting I think it is possible that it was just harmless banter. She was working on a review of this guys department at the time so did have cause to email him from home. I knew that she regularly emails people about work from home and may have thought nothing of it were it not for the I don't feel the same about you revelation. That obviously has made me more sensitive and less trusting. Perhaps I saw something that wasn't really there. The banter is consistent with her personality / sence of humour but did make me very concerned.

Edited February 23, 2014 by Brian Smith

[2sunny]

Dude, stop trying to convince yourself it is ok. It's not!

 

Have her take a polygraph if it provides peace of mind.

 

Why is she allowed to call the shots? She has betrayed you and planned to stop loving you.

 

She wasn't connected to you because she was hyper focused on the other guy.

 

And it's NOT ok. Stop letting her call the shots - hold all the power!

 

Did you ever consider she may not be having sex with you - because she's interested in him?

 

I don't think she's being honest. She's busy - I get it - but there's NEVER a good time to discover a spouse flirting/cheating! Never easy to invoke consequences.

 

But the time to take new action is when it's discovered - not 3 convenient weeks later!

 

Screw her - she lost the right to request things her way when she acted inappropriately!

[TaraMaiden]

As you can see Brian, people round here have zero sympathy.

 

For her.

 

Look, I know this has blindsided you, but two things are for sure:

She DID have a flirt-fling with this guy.

She IS steering things her way.

 

While I understand you want to keep things on an even keel, you cannot let her think that everything is OK.

Frankly, please believe me, women cannot recover, recuperate or re-awaken feelings and resurrect sexual desire.

Sometimes, sex will happen.

And you'll think "Yay! It worked, we're on the road again!"

 

Well trust me, it won't be.

It will be wishful thinking on both your parts.

 

And when everything calms down, and the dust settles, and you get back into the run-and-rut - that's when things will reveal themselves to actually be stale. and it will hit you like a train out of a tunnel.

 

Things will never be the same again.

[2sunny]

Stop "asking" her to do this or that - make DEMANDS!

 

Maybe that demand looks like "get out NOW!" Or "you leave now because your betrayal won't allow me to look at you without wanting to hurt you"!

 

Take your power back!

 

Stop allowing her ANY say! She's betrayed you, your kids and your marriage - act like it.

[Brian Smith]

I get what you are saying. It is likely over. She does know that I am not ok with the situation. I am sure that most of the time you are right people do not fall back in love and it could well be far too late.

 

Do you really think I am better off ending my marriage myself now even though she is saying that she wants it to work? How do I make her move out? Also neither of us can really afford this place alone things are tough financially with 2 wages coming in. I guess we divorce, sell up and move on.

[rumbleseat]

OP,

I know how hard it is to face the fact that someone you love is being so disrespectful to you. It hurts you to your very core. You love her and want to believe the best from her, which is only natural.

 

To be honest, a long time ago I was where you are. My H told me very similar story to yours, and he insisted he wasn't cheating. He didn't see that he had crossed so many boundaries and was in an A. Then I got the " love you but not in love with you" speech. I was so confused and I didn't know what to do.

 

I finally figured out that the best way to handle it was to let him go. I couldn't force what wasn't there. He did go for a little while. Then he wanted desperately to come back. We got a lot of counselling,and things aeros much better now.

 

Whether or not your W is in an A may be immaterial in the immediate time. She wants space, so give it to her, but do it without her asking. It's not just for her, but for yourself too. You don't need her permission. Do what you need told to protect yourself and your kids. She is a grow up, and can lookout for herself.

 

Use this time on your own to figure out what you want for yourself. What will you do if turns out she is having an A ? What will you do if she is not but still says she doesn't love you? I would advise seeing a lawyer, as even if you ever need one, it will give you knowledge to make decisions based on information rather than fear.

 

In time, you will find out if she is having an A or not. I don't know how that willsy into the long get outlook for your marriage. You've got time to make decisions based on thought and not reaction.

 

For what it's worth, I think your wife is having an emotional A. The very fact that she sends "flirty" messages shows that she has very poor boundaries and doesn't recognize inappropriate behaviour. That is a huge red flag, whether she is actually in a physical A or not.

[TaraMaiden]

She knew ages ago this was on the downhill slide, and did nothing.

Now, she's trying to find a damage-limitation method, by smoothing out the potential seismic fall-out.

 

Sleep on it, Brian, but to be honest?

 

Ask her specifically, what actual ACTION she's going to take to get her mojo back and be the wife you deserve.

if she hesitates, shrugs her shoulders or flays around for possible avenues - you'll know she hasn''t even really thought about it, but pushed it aside, and wants to think about it in her own time.

 

so:

Either you give HER the rules of how it's going to happen -

Or you tell her there and then, that you're filing.

 

Like I said, sleep on it.

But know that whichever way this turns out, there WILL be pain, there WILL be upheaval and there will be massive adjustment.

For all of you.

 

Just brace yourself.

It ain't even started yet.

[ZMM]

Well I have taken your advice. I have told her that I want her to show me she is serious about saving the marriage and attend counselling or move out.

 

She was quite upset by my ultimatum but this time actually talked about the real reasons for doing this. She does really want to save the marriage because she us scared of being alone and does not want the kids to be without both parents. She told me how she felt because she has been feeling different about me for about a year and felt that I deserved to know the truth. She knew that the way she was treating me - being distant, rarely showing affection was making me unhappy. There really is nobody else involved - she hadn't got time to have an affair, there is no chance of her meeting someone outside if work as she rarely goes out and in work she is the boss.

 

She thinks that I have been jealous about the time she spends at work and this has made her feel guilty. She also has lost some interest in sex, but I am always trying to get her to make love to me and when she declines this makes me upset. Again this makes her feel guilty. She also knows that she is not being a good mother and that I am taking up all of the slack at home and again this has been making her feel guilty because she knows she should do more because I also have a full time responsible job. These feelings of guilt on her part and anger/ confusion on mine have been building for a while and has made her raise her barriers.

 

At present she does not feel anything romantic towards me but she thinks that her feelings may be buried behind her feelings of guilt and her work stress. She wants me to wait a few more weeks because she really does want things to work out but knows that it is not going to be easy and will likely take a lot of time and a lot of emotional energy. She knows that it is selfish to make me wait but has to do her job well because a lot of people are relying on her success and she feels a lot of pressure to be successful.

 

She is hurt that I did not trust her to not be having an affair because if she did not want this marriage to work she would have already left. She thinks that we need to start all over again without putting each other under pressure as friends first until the feelings of hurt and guilt go away and then she would like us to start dating again. We also need to rebuild our trust in each other.

 

She said that she recognises that she would be much worse off without me in her life both financially and because of the support that I give her by looking after the kids etc.. She is afraid of being alone and really does value our marriage. She is hopeful that her feelings will return when she has stopped feeling stressed and guilty. She refuses to move out and does not want me to go either because us being together is really important to the children. She says that the problem is mainly hers because she is so career driven that it does not leave much time for me and she feels that she has even less time for herself. She sometimes just wants to be alone and read a book but again feels guilty because she knows I want some of her time.

 

After this she hugged me for a while and said I know this is hard but I really need to be able to do my job and then afterwards I promise that we will work hard to get the feeling back. She said that isn't easy for me either and I hate myself for doing this to us but I did not want to lie to you and wanted to be honest and get it all out into the open so that we could sort it out.

 

She seemed genuine to me. Meanwhile she wants us to carry on doing things together with the kids start communicating normally again without there being an atmosphere in the room. She thinks that this is our best chance.

 

Be careful following advice here - many of these people have been hurt and they project their situation onto yours. They seem like they are absolutely sure of most all situations with very little information, but they really aren't.

[2sunny]

Here's a suggestion- and then see how she reacts to it...

 

Tell her you plan to spend a few days at her workplace helping her out for the next few weeks.

 

Or just drop in at lunchtime and see what is happening around there...

[2sunny]

I find her approach just terribly dismissive.

 

 

I caught you cheating

 

 

Oh, ya, that's no big deal - really it's not - Oh by the way I don't have feelings for you much anymore

 

 

 

We can fix this, yes?

 

 

Oh ya, sure thing - in a few weeks when I'm not so busy

 

 

 

 

Come on - who does that? Hmmm, a woman that doesn't want to be bothered or have her life interrupted by reality.

 

Well guess what? It's real. And she literally should be willing to drop everything IF her marriage is her priority. She should be seeing a counselor tomorrow if she intends to work on the marriage.

Edited February 24, 2014 by 2sunny

[oldshirt]

My gut is telling me that something is happening in 3 weeks and it ain't a work project.

 

 

There is something significant about this 3 week deadline. I don't know what it is ( approval for a home loan/lease available on an apt, Divorce plan and papers will be ready, OM leaving his wife, a job promotion which will allow her to move out etc etc) but I encourage you to leave no stone unturned to find out what it is.

[ZMM]

I find her approach just terribly dismissive.

 

 

I caught you cheating

 

 

Oh, ya, that's no big deal - really it's not - Oh by the way I don't have feelings for you much anymore

 

Did I miss something?

 

He caught her cheating? Really - I thought he found a few flirtatious emails - whatever that means. That is a pretty vague description to arrive at he caught her cheating. If somebody flirts with someone say at a party or whatever, I guess you consider that cheating. Different strokes.

 

Maybe there was something else I missed. If so, sorry.

[Zimber]

Be careful following advice here - many of these people have been hurt and they project their situation onto yours. They seem like they are absolutely sure of most all situations with very little information, but they really aren't.

Maybe hurt, but maybe have seen the same decline in our own lives, or others around us, or have read these very same scenarios hundreds of times and it usually ends the same.

The fellow in denial, ends up the fellow sobbing to the board (that's OK, people will help you get back on track), and then the year or so dealing with a divorce.

 

Bottom line, he needs to take positive action. OP, you need to call a lawyer and find out your rights and a strategy should the worst happen. Your lady doesn't want a few weeks to finish a project, she wants a few weeks to prepare herself for the man slaughter (at least his is what is possible).

 

Also, no time to talk? What a crock. She has time to flirt? With a colleague no less? How worried about her project is that? That's an ultimate no no.

 

The first time my ex cheated, I was able to prove the OM as a wolf who only wanted to boink her. I had the kid, the house, I had her ... because I took positive action. My son got 10 more years of his life with a married couple as a result. Next time she was more clever ... but that's my story.

 

If someone wants to save their marriage, then they will sit bolt upright and live the "YES" game right away.

 

Believer her, don't believe her, it doesn't matter. Protect yourself man, there is dishonesty and disrespect at your door step. And you've done nothing! Take care of number one a little or you're likely to go down quite hard.

 

Zimber.

[oldshirt]

I don't know if you are familiar with who Dan Savage is but Dan Savage has a sindicated advice column called Savage Love. In his writings he talks a lot about everyone having a "Price of Admission" which is basically that every person has a price that must be paid to them for them to be in any particular relationship.

 

 

Generally speaking a man's price of admission for his support and resources and for him to share his home and to help a woman raise the kids etc is sexuality and generally speaking for a woman to be sexually available to man he has to be faithful to her and support her and give her a home and family etc etc. it's that old saying our grandmas used to say about men giving love for sex and women giving sex for love blah blah blah.

 

 

Anyway, she is basically wanting to live in your house, have you take care of the kids and give her a safe and stable place in the community and keep her good name with her friends and family and neighbors etc FOR FREE.

 

 

She is basically asking you to put on a facade of a happy home and family with you doing the providing to her needs with her basically providing you nothing. ....Nothing but uncertainty and anxiety that is.

 

 

It is perfectly reasonable for you to have a 'Price of Admission' that she is either all-in on being a real wife in a full-service marriage which includes love and affection, respect and sexuality. This may take counseling, hard work, both of you facing some harsh truths and deep soul-searching and lots of hard work.

 

 

Or she can choose to be an independent, single career woman and screw other dudes at work in which case she packs her sht and bends over backwards to give you as fair and equitable divorce as the law will allow. This will allow you to pick up the pieces and move on with your own life knowing where you stand.

 

 

This whole 3 weeks of space and allowing for her stress and work projects is smoke and mirrors and some form of distraction and manipulation. There is some kind of cloak and dagger going on here.

 

 

Adult's lives are never stress free and never a time of peace and tranquility. Stress and job issues and kid issues and family issues are never over. There is something else significant about this 3 week deadline and it ain't a work project.

 

 

You need to close the ticket gate to her living the life of a married woman and demand your price of admission to have her be in your home as a wife and mother. If she can't or won't pay that price of admission, she is a single woman living on her own.

[Allumere]

Job before husband, kids and marriage....ah....NO!

 

So lets see, if one of the kids got really sick would she say "I'm sorry you are sick huni but Mommy has to work. I'll be able to take care of you in three weeks when my very important project is over." That's what she is saying to you and the kids and the marriage right now.

 

I don't know the woman, sure as hell don't don't if she has cheated or not, but I can tell you she is seriously not right. She needs a therapist.

[beach]

You may not have found solid proof that she's cheated. But when a wife says "I don't have feelings for you anymore" a very high percentage of the time it is because she has feelings for someone else.

 

You take care of the home and kids most of the time and also work a full time job? And she's flirting with her coworker? Nice payback for all your hard work, eh?

 

Maybe she's the type that will use you as long as you allow it?

 

How old are the kids?

 

What did the email exchange say?

 

 

And since you say she's the boss - she COULD be sued by a man for being inappropriate!

 

So even IF she innocent - she isn't being a smart boss.

[ZMM]

Job before husband, kids and marriage....ah....NO!

 

So lets see, if one of the kids got really sick would she say "I'm sorry you are sick huni but Mommy has to work. I'll be able to take care of you in three weeks when my very important project is over." That's what she is saying to you and the kids and the marriage right now.

 

I don't know the woman, sure as hell don't don't if she has cheated or not, but I can tell you she is seriously not right. She needs a therapist.

 

Obviously, you aren't a self-employed business person.