So now what

[swimjock]

I found out my wife had a 6 yr affair with a co worker right after we bought a new house.. Been married for almost 12 yrs, 2 daughters 8,10 .. Confronted her about it.. I'll admit I cheated once on her..was a weak moment but no emotional relationship involved .. I guess I'm having a hard time with her emotional connection to him as apparent by secret gmail account I found, along with several XXX pics/ videos exchanged with him and another guy from our gym. Co worker now lives in another city, married Dr. I've thought about sending evidence to his wife ??

My wife and him spent a weekend together( April 2011) in another city after I let her go with him, thinking it was a professional conference ..

 

At 10 yr anniversary ..we took a cruise..no sex, intimacy at all ..now I guess I know why ?!?!?

 

What should I do ..feel like I should move on ..

 

first letter oct 2010

Alright, since you will not respond to my text,I guess I'll just

email what I need to say.....

 

Am I ready to look for a new lover? HELL NO!!!! You are all I've ever

wanted and don't know how another will EVERcompare to you. There is

no other man I want more in this world than you. I feel a great

chemistry between us and know we could be greatlovers given ****ing

the chance. BUT, there is only so much waiting andbeing played I can

do before I have to let go. 3.5 yrs is MORE thanenough time for you

to decide if I'm "worthy" of your timeand affection. You say things

only to NOT do them and I don't understand that.I've given you the

benefit of the doubt WAY longer than any otherman I've known,

THINKING it was b/c we are both married but I'mnot so sure anymore.

Toying with me this long is just NOT NICE. I'mterribly hurt that you

didn't tell me you where leaving. I saw you 3different times the week

before you left, had my tongue down your throat,hand on your dick and

you never once said a WORD to me. That REALLYhurt... You've said you

would give me dates when you would be home, butyou haven't. You've

made little attempt to keep up the relationshipsince you've been

there, only REPLYING to text not starting them.We've only Skyped

twice in 2 months; REALLY?!?! Look, I know youare busy, I AM TOO, but

I also know it takes less than 2 mins to send atext or reply to one

that is sent. If you truly valued me and this"whatever", 2 to 4 mins

a day or every other day is NOT a lot of time toask. I've never asked

for much of your time or even your energy, justa little

consideration. Good luck finding anotherwoman who will put up with

this **** this long. I'm tired of spinning mywheels! And there's my

temper flaring again.....

 

Look, I care about you more than I should andalways will and THAT is

why this hurts so bad. I am so sad to think thatI'll never know that

8 inch cock, never feel it slide into me, neverfill me. But you know

how carnal I am and my home life is misery.Should I just work on the

marriage and try to make life easier, YES. But I can't change him (I

know that) and forcing him to go to counselingwould put the

girls/myself through hell and I'm not ready todo that either.

Leaving is not an option so I'm just stuck in aspot I had hoped this

relationship with you would help, and I canhonestly say it has... I

just CRAVE more, NEED more, WANT more. Iwant somebody to touch me,

kiss me, hug me, **** ME; somebody to make meFEEL again... I want

that intimacy I can't get at home. Surely thereis somebody

willing/able to do ALL those things on a semiregular basis? When we

started all this, I really thought that somebodywas you. I thought

we where so similar and would make great lovers. In another lifetime

I'm sure we would. Your promises of ithave gone on so long I just

don't believe you anymore, I'm sorry. Actions speak louder than words

and I don't see any actions around here!!

 

If I'm wrong, ****ING TELL ME, prove me WRONG.For once, I'd like to

be proven off-target!!! John, there was atime when YOU told me

sleeping with somebody you cared about was somuch better than ****ing

a stranger. I know you are right b/c I've beenwaiting on that

somebody I care about to come around (for a longtime) and he must not

care like I do. I've done all he has EVER askedof me time and time

again but feel I can't keep putting myself outthere when he doesn't.

IF YOU CHOICE to end this friendship as well asthe relationship, I

ask that you please keep all the pictures andvideos safe for me.

They where made for you and YOU alone. Thethought of another man

seeing me like that, FOR YOU, would kill me....I can't make you

respond to this any easier than I can to a text. I just hope you

respect me and the years of friendship enough totell me one way or

the other where we stand.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jan 2011...

I was on Facebook @ 3am b/c I couldn't sleep, looking atyour picture and missing you terribly when I read a new wall post asking aboutyour new baby girl. Wow, I was SURPRISED by that! FB has delivered moredisturbing news about your life to me than YOU!

 

So here is my dilemma; I feel like a whore... Ithought your relationship was along the same lines as mine, misery. But if you guys are still growing your family there must be love and intimacythere. I find it hard to believe you are as miserable as I am and canPROCREATE?!? You have uprooted your lives and moved across the country to growyour family. This should be an exciting time, why are you ****ing around withme? You should be celebrating this birth, enjoying this time with the familyand maybe you are. I can't, in good conscious, continue on like thisdoesn't change things. If you decided to have another child with her, you needto stay focused on the marriage and make it right for those children or atleast give it a shot. I know your sex life is probably minimal during thepregnancy, it usually drops off but after the baby comes, maybe you guys canreconnect and get the spark back. I don't want to interfere at this importanttime in your life. It sounds like you have WAY more going on than youhave shared with me. I know stress from a new job on top of a move PLUS anew baby and a 2 year old at home is a lot for one plate to carry. You don'tneed me adding to it. Not to mention its just not right. It justhurts her and me.

 

 

John, I care for you so much and hate thatI will never know what its like to lay beneath you, to never kiss you again. Myfeelings go beyond simple lust. I like the way you talk, the way your mindworks, your wicked sense of humor and your compassion for others. I simply likeYOU. You have ask if I thought you are worth investing in and I've alwaysbelieved you are. I don't want to feel like I've wasted 4 years waiting on youbut NOW is just not our time. I refuse to be your mistress here (Itold you that years ago), waiting in the wings while you have your cake and eatit too. You know I want something more than casual sex and from the looksof things, that's about all you would have time for IF THAT. Look, when Idivorce(I know that's 1 year or more away and we could still have enjoyed eachother so much), you and I would have to end anyway. A single women has nobusiness with a married man. That has disaster written all over it. Aslong as we are both married and miserable, it works! But once I'mfree to look for my happiness, I can't keep looking to you for that, knowingyou are not available. I don't ever want to be that woman singing"STAY" from Sugarland; I've got way to much pride!!!

 

 

I wish you and yours all the best and hope toGOD you can find peace, love, and intimacy again. I'll always follow yourcareer, keep an eye on you from afar and will send you all the love and supportI can. Many blessing and much love.....

Feb 2012.

 

.No response to my email or to my text so I guessyou are truly ready to end this friendship once and for all. I hate that youfeel it can't be salvaged but I'm sure you have your reasons. Years ofmemories, fun banter, stimulating conversions, meaningful lunches, stairwayinvestigations, unforgettable TX/LA nights, love of good (southern) foodand the hard workouts that are needed to EAT good southern cooking. RollTide, Go Vols and butter my biscuits just won't be the same without you toshare it with...

I've deleted your number from my phone; thetemptation to text is to great. I've moved all your pictures/videos to a remoteemail; just can't make myself delete them (so personal, so MINE). I'll delete you (seems so silly, really,,,SOCIAL MEDIA!) fromFB so we won't have to see each other there and that should do it. I can't sayI won't Google stalk you from time to time or inquire about you from my circlethat would know about you. You hold a special place in my heart, inmy soul and always will; we have shared a lot over the years. Continue to soar,kiss those children as much as you can, call your momma often, listen to yourpatients and obey those old head nurses (you've been taught by the best!!).I'll miss you, TBU often and secretly cheer for TN when they aren't playing myBama Boys (I may have a small crush on Derek Dooley *gasp*).

 

With all my heart I say goodbye, best of luck,much love and respect

[BetrayedH]

She sounds like a great wife.

 

I'm sorry. You asked about what to do next. I recommend you ask your lawyer.

[BetrayedH]

You probably wanted a more serious response. Sorry, your post reminded me a bit too much of my exwife.

 

If you haven't confronted her yet, please don't. Confronting her accomplishes nothing.

 

I recommend you confront her with divorce papers. Talk to an attorney - some will at least give an initial free consultation. In the meantime, keep your mouth shut. You're likely to have one and only one chance to get (and document) the truth. Every state/jurisdiction is a bit different. Find out about the laws in your state. Learn your rights and your options.

 

I'm sorry you're going thru this. It was the worst experience of my life. But there is life afterwards. Do your best to make decisions with your head, not your emotions. Try not to beat yourself up - this is quite obviously about her, not about you. Reach out to family. Do your best to sleep. Force yourself to eat. Keep managing your career. Keep reading and posting.

[Yasuandio]

I'm sorry. It's terrible. But like BetrayedH said, you must remain silent for now.

 

We have discussed preservation of Internet information quite a bit today. See BOTH the new thread George Roy started about having a forensic examination of the "family computers" before any trouble starts. There is probably a lot more you do not know.

 

George Roy's other thread - in the last pages, I recommended he take time/stamped photographs of the screen images - especially FB cause it doesn't print out right. (But print it to). I would print all this stuff on Glossy Photo paper - it looks worse that way. You can buy a box of a 100 sheets for about 20 bucks - generic brand at Office Depot. Get a notebook or file system, plastic insert pages and print 2 sets of Photo Copies. (1 for attorney to dance around with, one for Judge). Then, print 1 crappy copy on regular paper, small normal size,

for discovery. You can do the crappy ones later. Just get your closets while their still on-line. AT ANY TIME, THE ACCOUNT CAN CLOSE OR CHANGE! You must do this ASAP.

 

I say get the forensics, and show it to attorney. They will know what to do. You first task is to get photo images with a smart phone that date stamps, then the photo print offs. That is objective 1, in that order.

 

You don't have time to boo-hoo. This is the time to stick it out and pull every ounce of your manhood to the reuse. Go see the doctor. They will give something. That is the next objective. You don't want to show your badge (you are in detective mode right now).

 

Face it. She is a gonner. You wouldn't want her anyway. Even she says she feels like a whore. You know why? She is an effing whore. Of course you're going to have to process this loss and feel the pain. But there is no time for a pity party right now. Any moment your feel a tear (which is normal), step into the bathroom. Don't let her see it. If there is any logical place you need to go out of town - without raising suspitions, that might not be a bad idea (if you are having trouble keeping it together).

 

If she tries sex on you, tell her it hurts when u pee, you've been worried about. Maybe you should see the doctor. Make up all kinds of BS to throw her off. "Hon, I'm not feeling good, it hurts whenever I take a shyt, and my stomach is upset at work." Come home with a bunch of tums (take them in front of her - they are good for you) and pepto-bismal, dump some of it out, like you've been taking it. [Actually, you probably need some antacids on hand, for real. Those letters are gross, disgusting - sickening. So clingy, yuck pathetic. Oh, and her reasoning, that it wouldn't be "right" to carry on with a MM if she were single! How does this kind of morally-bankrupt douche brain develop inside a person's skull?].

 

If the tears come or you break down, double over, and say "oh God, I must have a hurnia or something - it hurts so bad!". Ask her to go out and get you one of those hot water bottle things. Do you get me? Make your pain look like stomach flu, or a possible ulser - force her whore a&& to go out a fetch you some creamy deli soup and crackers, whatever. You'll be playing poor sick guy until you drop the big bomb on her fanny.

 

Ok. Those are my ideas. And back up plans for the shock you've been thru. Again, I'm very sorry. But we are here for you. Yas

 

PS. I just re-read you post - missed that you confronted her. My advice is the same. Pluse NC and 180. I hope you didn't spill the beans on the gmail account. If not, I would go to an all night copy store and get this evidence job done this minute - even if you have to drive 100-200 miles. She is going to disappear the evidence.

Edited February 23, 2014 by Yasuandio

[swimjock]

Thanks ... I did confront her with all the evidence in Aug 2012 right after we got back from vacation, which was right after we closed on a new house ( all with in 2 weeks) we(I) had been going to therapy....actually, I had been going to therapy to deal with some of my issues. I probably went 3-5 times by myself and then she came to one .. We discussed my reservations about buying a new house with questions about our marriage. She said she wouldn't be buying a house with me unless she loved me ..ok..sounds good, no reason to doubt . we go on vacation and I find the gmail account....BAM !!! what the F !!! I just bought a 200k house with her..sold our previous house and got a huge profit ...

 

 

I will say for my side.. She had caught me in the past looking at inappropriate website ( ) which I wish I had never looked at but did out of pure boredome at home..She confronted me about it and stated I never acted upon it ( which was true) ..anyway..after our 10yr anniversary cruise with no intimacy, I got very ancy ..I did end up going to some strip clubs for enjoyment of seeing the girls and having some dances.. I will say I met a girl in May 2012..she was nice and we exchanged #'s..we text every now and then..she wanted me to come see her but never had the time.... I saw here at the club or for lunch probably about 3-4 times ..I will admit I did finally act on the thing in April 2013 ( horrible experience for a damn BJ, and felt so guilty the next week) She had her evidence on that ( unbeknownst to me, till I saw her gmail in Aug - she took pic of my phone screen and saved it) Anyway, I'm not justifying my poor choices. I admit I screwed up, but didn't know how to deal with the situation and frustration of lack of intimacy. Yet I 'm torn to the fact that she wants someone to hold her,F$#@ her ..blah blah ..

Does that make sense , or am I rambling ?!?!?

 

Lately, I've been wondering if we are even meant for each other anymore ? Are we compatible ? The other day I stated I was going to get tickets for Motley Crue and asked if she wanted to go..she said no not really ( that hurt me..wanted to do something fun but get the negative response) .. If she were to ask me if I wanted to go to a Country Concert, I would go with no hesitation .. She has noticed I've been withdrawn and starts to act overly lovey and tries to be close, but if I'm "normal" I hardly get any affection !!!! so confused at this point

Edited August 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[swimjock]

BTW ..what is NC and 180 ????

 

Sorry ..new to this and looking for advice and help

[Yasuandio]

I just figured out something.

 

Your wife went oil of her way to plant certain details in those letters (anatomy, places they've been together, mention that she plans to preserve video and photographic images, etc.) for, perhaps documentation and proof. Could she have been subliminally trying to blackmail this guy? Or worse, to get back at him should things go South, or at least, know in her mind, she has that capacity, and wanted to remind him of that fact - especially in the final good-by letter?

 

Psychopathic? Sociopathic? Some screw is loose.

 

I bet the guy confessed to his wife, to take her power away. If you were to speak to anyone OP, I would, in the most decent way you possible can muster (being the bigger man - not a punk), contact the husband and tell him you want to discuss this matter man to man - no fight or argument, you just want some answers, and you no longer trust you wife to provide. Promise the man the matter will stay between you and him, you have no intention of disrupting his family life. You have every right to do so. But, of course, get your evidence in hand first. And if you do have this meeting, tape record the whole GD thing. Have yourself professionally bugged - see detective store for such a device.

 

I think such a meeting would help you, actually, if you can be cool about it. Another way you could approach him, is to simply show up at his house, calm, cool, and collected. Because there is a good possibilty he will refuse a meeting. You know this guy I think. In my opinion, I believe this might be the best therapy you could possibly get, and money cannot buy it. And hell will freeze over before your wife fills in the gaps.

 

Seriously, I think she was a strong player in chasing this guy down, and making offers he couldn't refuse. I am not excusing his conduct AT ALL. This is my analysis based on the "tone" and content of her writing only. That is why I would like to hear his side of this story. Hope my thoughts helped you.

 

Sorry I misunderstood at first. I get going on these masterplans, and get carried away sometimes. Yas

 

Say nothing about this to you STBXW (hopefully).

[swimjock]

The Dr she slept with now lives in another state ..so talking to him face to face is not an option ...calling his office..yes, I've looked that up.. I also have his home address and thought about sending certified letter to wife with enclosed emails and pics that were exchanged ..

 

But I'm back and forth with this idea ..

[Yasuandio]

OK. I'm getting confused.

 

First, let me say, a visit to a couple questionable websites, Strip Clubs, and a single BJ when you have been denied sex for an extended period of time is not exactly right, but pales in comparison to your wife's gig. In fact your wife's gig, may have had a good deal to do with your own poor conduct. That said, your wife entered into the contract of the new home under false pretenses, it appears.

 

Are you saying, that, your wife was active in this 6 year gig, during the time you contracted the purchase of the home?

 

Are these evidences you have shown U's dated after the purchase of the home?

 

If yes and yes, then she made a fraudulent contract with you. It is very tangled. But whatever you did before does not make it ok for what she is or was doing post home purchase.

 

 

NOW. It is up to you if you want to remain married to a self admitted "whore." Do you? NC and 180 is to help you heal from this. The source are in my signature line.

 

Decide what you want. What you showed U's in your first post is so terrible - I don't know how you could want her again.

 

But the heart wants what the heart wants. I understand that very well. And there is no sin in wanting you wife to be a decent wife from here on out. Especially since you have kids.

 

Tell us what you want.

 

Are you done with her?

 

Or

 

Do you want to save your marriage? Yas

[Yasuandio]

The Dr she slept with now lives in another state ..so talking to him face to face is not an option ...calling his office..yes, I've looked that up.. I also have his home address and thought about sending certified letter to wife with enclosed emails and pics that were exchanged ..

 

But I'm back and forth with this idea ..

 

Don't do anything yet. Wait. We have to see where you head is at with your wife. The doctor most likely came clean with his wife, as the correspondence you shared had a subtle blackmail tone to it. Yas

[Yasuandio]

180's

 

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

 

PS. I had to re-number, probably made a mistake. Just go to pinned tread at top of our Separation and Divorce Forum.

[Yasuandio]

Just do 180 for now. NC means No Contact. Wait on that one. There are variations on that when you have kids, like LC (little contact). One step at a time.

[swimjock]

thanks ..

 

We had a talk yesterday and pretty much told her that I have an emptiness and wonder if there is " something" missing in our relationship. ..I mentioned maybe there is someone else out there for me and/or for her . Of course tears were shed .. She says she wants to work it out and make our marriage grow, but I don't know. 6+ yrs with another guy ( and I had no idea) !?!?!? Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have confronted her about it and built up my case and drop the BIG "D" on her and moved on. It just sucks that we bought a new house right before I found out all this stuff. And on top of that, I had been going to counseling for several months working on me, when she was still sending pics/videos of herself to this guy. I feel as if the joke was on me and I'm the punchline.

[Tripz]

Swim, 6 years is unbelievable. I thought mine was bad finding out it's been 2 years. I'm not going to curse you and say it's not fixable, but damn...

 

BTW, I just found out yesterday that my STBXW FINALLY signed the paperwork after holding it for over 3 weeks. I want this crap done and done fast!

 

Swim, do what you have to do, but try to imagine "fixing" 6 years of her NOT loving you.

[swimjock]

Tripz ...

 

I know 6yrs is a lot .What complicates it( in my mind) is the kids and just buying a new house... If I had found out prior to the sale of our 1st house and purchasing the new house....things might have turned out different.. I think I would have filed the papers, sold the house and took my profit and moved on ... I know I can sell the current house fast and make a profit on it as well, but its a tough decision .. You are right though, 6 yrs now explains a lot of issues. this whole time I thought it was solely me, but turns out she was having another life with a different man...and allegedly only had a sexting thing with a guy at the gym, but denies she had sex with him ( no proof, other than a couple of pics of him and a vid of him jerking it off, which leads me to believe that she was sending the same type of vids/pic to him..)

[RightThere]

( no proof, other than a couple of pics of him and a vid of him jerking it off, which leads me to believe that she was sending the same type of vids/pic to him..)

 

A vid of him jerking off.

 

1) How do these guys exist and think that is something other people want to see and

2) How is it these losers actually manage to GET women?

 

Some days I think that I'm the one who is crazy and the rest of the world has figured their $&!% out.

[RuralGuy]

What complicates it( in my mind) is the kids

 

Where any of your kids born at least 9 months after she started her affair with this other guy? If I were you, I'd get paternity tests done.

 

Emotionally they are your kids. However their actual paternity would matter if you live in a state where, if they are not your biological kids, that you'd still have to pay child support.

[swimjock]

no doubt the kids are mine ..

[Scott Thomas]

I've been in your shoes and trust me, no one deserves what you're going through. My advice:

 

 

1. Print the evidence and contact your lawyer.

 

2. File for divorce. She willingly manipulated you for SIX years. She rarely had sex with you but seemed quite enthusiastic with the OM, while forcing you to buy a house for her. I rarely resort to american slang, but dear fellow, she's relegated you to the beta provider status.

 

3. Contact the OM's wife and let her know. E-mail the evidence and call her.

 

4. File for divorce, citing adultery if you have a pre-nup.

 

5. Read and implement the 180.

 

6. God forbid, but if the children are not totes, you have a limited timespan to prove this via a DNA test (max 2 years in the US). After this, you're stuck with child support etc no matter what. I hope they are yours, but you never thought that your wide would betray you for six year, did you,

 

7. Why aren't you angry?

 

Good Luck!

[notbroken]

The new house or any other property or living situation does not mean you should stay together. It won't undo the past, nor fix the future. It complicates the finances some, but it is the least of your problems.

 

Your wife is a serial cheater. Completely untrustworthy. You'll never trust her ever again and the past will eat you alive. I'm sorry for that, but it is true. How could it not be? You can't unlearn what you know about her.

[swimjock]

Thomas and notbroken ..thanks for the advice..

 

Agree, I could be in much worse condition. She has a new FT job and makes very good money and I have a very stable FF job and ER Rn job. The house thing sucks, because I found the house and it has been everything that I wanted ..4 Br and a pool for the kids. Now my delima?? Who would get the house or do we sell it if I file ?? How does that work ? Any knowledge or advice.

She is gone this week traveling with work and when she is gone I actually feel happy. I enjoy being a dad to my kids and being there for them. When she comes home this weekend, I feel empty( cause my heart has been ripped out and torn to shreds, even though I found out 6 months ago) I have tried to maybe get past it, but the like you said Thomas, i feel as if I'm the beta male. AND THAT SUCKS !!!!! considering I'm a 17 yr veteran FF( officer rank) and make hard decisions everyday a work, yet I am afraid/tentative to make THE DECISION for this marriage..I know I shouldn't be, but it's the fear of the unknown I guess ....

[lucassmart]

If you really feel happier when she's away and you've already spoken about splitting up, maybe the answer's already there in front of you. Would suggesting a short separation not help to really find out how you feel.

 

I'm on that at the moment and it' made me firm in my conviction that I want to recover our marriage - I'm hoping my wife will come to the same conclusion.

[swimjock]

@ lucas ...yes, thats a very good idea..I guess its kind of pseudo separation right now with her traveling out of town for the next 3 weeks..she will only be home on the weekends...I'm taking care of my 2 girls and enjoy every minute of it...I really need refrain from any intimacy, as it will complicate things(in my opinion)..but fear she may think there is another woman, which there is not..I guess another talk is needed this weekend, but damn I hate to see a woman cry( but I have shed my share of tears over all this )

[swimjock]

Its funny how my wife is out of town with work and I have been somewhat distant, because I'm trying to figure how and what to do, she is all of a sudden trying to be supper nice and affectonate. Normally she is not like that, so WTH ??? I had looked on her facebook activity history last month( unbeknownst to her) and saw that she had searched the OM who she had a 6 yr affair with. That kind of re-inforces my decision to separate from her. I'm trying to hold out another week, because his Bday is in early March and want to see if she searches him again( just to add some more facts) Of course before she left we had a talk and told her I just think something is missing in this marriage. All the pic and videos and how she was looking into those pics for him ( never had that for me !!) Anyway, I freakn gave in and we had sex, which I regret and complicates things for me. I need to be NC when she gets home today. It helps that she leaves again on Tuesday for another trip. It seems that I have been pretty happy when she is gone.. What does that say ?????

[swimjock]

Oh and another thing in our talk last week. I mentioned that I had been on my linkedin site and looked on her profile. She is connected with him on there. Seems petty, but I brought it up. She stated she didnt even think about it. Well 1 week later she is still connected with him.. I'm not going to mention it again and see what she does ...what do you think ??

 

Also , I know she still has his emails under both of her gmail accounts ..they are easy to remember, but the fact that she still has it saved..irks me !!!