Family negativity is driving me crazy!

[4givrnt4gtr]

My family is driving me up the wall with the negative views of marriage, children and family in general.

 

I come from an extremely dysfunctional family. My father cheated on my mother for most of their life (They got married because she ended up pregnant). Finally, when I was about 11 my father sent her, my older sister and I to another country because he got one of his mistresses pregnant and wanted to take care of the kid without us being around.

 

Later my sister got married and had a terrible 10 year marriage, including domestic violence (inflicting and receiving from both sides). Unfortunately I had to live through it all as my mother and I lived with her and her husband. It was hell on earth. They finally divorced and my sister is still reeling from it all.

 

A few years later my brother ended up getting a girl pregnant. She was from a conservative family and they threatened to disowned her if he didn't marry her. So he did, but knew he would divorce her after 5 years, when their kid was in school. They didn't last a year, and got a divorce. Ofcourse she is still very much part of his life because of my nephew, and my family can't stand her (for no other reason than she is from a different culture and has different customs they don't understand or approve of).

 

I have done my very best to open my horizons and learn from other people and families what it is like to have a normal functional life and marriage. I have been in therapy since college, and had done my best to work through the trauma of domestic violence, abandonment by my father and other issues caused by unstable family life.

 

I met my fiancé two years ago, and made sure our values and life goals matched. We dated for almost a year before we moved in together, and have lived together for over a year now. We love each other very much, we are able to communicate openly, lovingly and keeping each other's best interest in mind. He is incredibly supportive, and comes from an intact family, who is literally the opposite of mine. They offer a lot of stability and normalcy, which I've never had until now.

 

So now that I am engaged my family's negativity keeps seeping in. It is driving me up the wall. For instance, my mother asked me if we were going to marry in the Catholic Church (as I am catholic by birth) and when I said No (because neither of us practices a religion), she said "oh good! that way I'll be easier when you get a divorce".

 

This, by the way, was said when we were shopping for my wedding dress. I was totally taken aback, and asked her to please don't wish us ill. That divorce for us would be the last resort and we were committed to do what it took to grow and save our marriage. If I had any doubts about this, I wouldn't marry him.

 

Ah, before that we were talking about children and how a friend of mine who is married just had her second child. I shared the news as something good and happy. Their response? "oh my God how stupid! there goes her career!" They went onto discuss how having children was the worse thing that could happen, as they disrupt your life, are sooooo expensive and so difficult to care for (all this, of course in front of my 7 year old nephew). I of course, being the black sheep of the family, WANT children...in fact my fiancé and I have an estimate that we are going to have children about a year after we get married (however, if it happens earlier, we both will be so very happy). So hearing all this I know I will have no support from them.

 

Then another day my brother asked me when I was going to draft a pre-nup. That he strongly suggested it, as marriages don't last. I said that first off I got nothing on me but student loans and big dreams, the type that don't really make a lot of money. Second, again, divorce is our last resort. Third, my fiancé and I have discussed that in the event of divorce, neither of us is going to cause the other harm, and though that sounds naive, I am pretty certain of whom I am marrying. Granted, I know financially, it probably is "sound" and "practical" but I have come to accept that I am NOT practical, I don't want to entertain the idea of divorce, and I have accepted the risk that this naiveness and hopeless hopefulness may bite me in the tush later.

 

Then the last one was my sister. She told me that he had talked to my fiancé's mother, who wanted to touch bases with her to see about a bridal shower (by the way my family is not involve in this whole wedding thing at all, have no idea what it involves as both siblings were married in a court, and don't approve of the wedding festivities as they see money wasted given that in their minds, divorce is inevitable). She told me that FMIL had asked her if she had changed her last name after she got married. My sister said yes but she had changed it back to her original last name . She then told me that she doesn't recommend me changing my last name because it will be hell to change it back when we get divorce...

 

This is getting so SO beyond frustrating. Its like they are rooting for us to fail.. I understand that given their experience there is no other way, but God, I wish they would keep their commentary and "suggestions" to themselves.

 

I don't know how to handle this anymore. As it is I feel like marriage is a total gamble no matter what precautions you take (I am, after all my parent's daughter), I REALLY don't need any more people putting doubts and fears in my head. I want to be happy, and excited and hopeful for my future. Not preparing for certain disaster, bankruptcy because my fiancé will turn out to be a devil in disguise and legal problems.

 

 

Any suggestion as to how to ward off their pessimism??

Edited February 22, 2014 by 4givrnt4gtr

[Silly_Girl]

I feel so sad for you that you're actually citing that their negativity and cynicism is affecting your view of YOUR marriage.

 

They're bitter and jealous. You won't be able to stop that I'm afraid. Or to do so would be like pushing water uphill and you'd end up utterly exhausted and still have got nowhere.

 

I'm impressed you even involve them in your wedding plans. I would have stopped that long ago in your shoes.

 

Are you able to tell them how you feel? And that you only want supportive and positive input and that anything else they can ram up their ar$e - oops, sorry, I meant: keep to themselves?

 

I think you're strong enough to get through this even if they don't modify their behaviour. You know what you're doing. You just need to stay focused on that and ignore their input as the meaningless noise it is.

[Allumere]

Sounds to me you need to divorce your family

[Radu]

I know someone who was born to a woman who was always an OW, this in an era when divorce was heavily frowned upon and carried a lot of stigma.

She did not have a dad growing up, and her mother protected their father and never mentioned his name.

 

She is now married, 2 kids [3rd coming], and their marriage is incredibly strong.

And that's because growing up all she wanted was to have a family that sticks together, so the word 'divorce' is literally not in her vocabulary.

She was serious about this desire that she chose her husband very well.

 

I think you will do fine, provided that you stop listening to your family.

You need to make a decision, a choice between them and your marriage, you need to protect your marriage from them.

[pink_sugar]

Oh man, OP, I can definitely relate. My entire family is super negative...my brother and I want to move away from all of it. My mom's side is nothing but gossip and drama, my dad is a control freak who still treats us like little kids. Hang in there and try to tune your family out.

[d0nnivain]

Wedding planning sucks under the best of circumstances which clearly these aren't.

 

Take some of the practical considerations -- name change, costs of a wedding, & advisability of a prenup under advisement -- but ignore every thing else they say. It's not that hard to change your name either time but it is a p.i.t.a. If you don't currently have assets, there is no need for a pre-nup. The longer the marriage the less binding the agreement; plus they can be expensive. Many cost $5,000. If you don't have that to protect, what;s the point?

 

As for everything else, while they are spewing their hate, simply remind yourself that this is why their marriages & relationships failed.