Loveless21 Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 I took my 6 year old with a friend to the mall for some fun tonight. We got back late and she was in bed at 10:30. My stbx found out and FREAKED out bc i didnt "clear" it with him first and its too late etc, etc.. She never goes to bed late with me but I figured its not a school night and we needed some fun. I wanted her to be in bed by 9 but we were still out then. Am i considered really irresponsible? I mean He looked like he wanted to murder me bc its his kid too and he didnt know where she was.. Although i think he was mostly mad bc tomorrow is his day with her and he doesnt want her to be cranky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 I took my 6 year old with a friend to the mall for some fun tonight. We got back late and she was in bed at 10:30. My stbx found out and FREAKED out bc i didnt "clear" it with him first and its too late etc, etc.. She never goes to bed late with me but I figured its not a school night and we needed some fun. I wanted her to be in bed by 9 but we were still out then. Am i considered really irresponsible? I mean He looked like he wanted to murder me bc its his kid too and he didnt know where she was.. Although i think he was mostly mad bc tomorrow is his day with her and he doesnt want her to be cranky Tell him to STFU. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Agree with Ronald S, unless you are endangering your child's life, he has no say in what you do when you have your daughter and likewise when he has her. I do want to ask though, having read back on your other threads, why do you feel irresponsible at all? Is that how you felt based on his reaction? His look? His anger? Sometimes......you can become your own victim by assimilating the verbal abuse in your head. His voice and opinions are embedded in your head....like an old recording being played over and over. His thoughts, his words, his reactions, his opinions. You are free from that physical presence of it....you can control that by not having any interactions with him and not allowing him to control YOU via your daughter. It does take time to heal from it....but a good start is thinking he needs to just STFU in your head to replace what your mind has been accustomed to....but in his presence (and his annoyance) the PC and satisfying thing to say is "I'm sorry you feel that way". How he feels about anything anymore is HIS problem...not yours. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loveless21 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 Yes i feel irresponsible based on his anger.. He looked like he wanted to literally murder me tonight and he called me 17 times and texted non stop when he found out i took her out at night and she was out so late.. Ironically i am the stickler for bedtime but i figured we needed a fun night out and it wasnt a school night ao it was fine. When hes with her she could ezily go to bed at 9. His argument was 10 is much later which i agree but it was the first time... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Yes i feel irresponsible based on his anger.. He looked like he wanted to literally murder me tonight and he called me 17 times and texted non stop when he found out i took her out at night and she was out so late.. Ironically i am the stickler for bedtime but i figured we needed a fun night out and it wasnt a school night ao it was fine. When hes with her she could ezily go to bed at 9. His argument was 10 is much later which i agree but it was the first time... Sometimes......you can become your own victim by assimilating the verbal abuse in your head. His voice and opinions are embedded in your head....like an old recording being played over and over. His thoughts, his words, his reactions, his opinions. You are free from that physical presence of it....you can control that by not having any interactions with him and not allowing him to control YOU via your daughter. It does take time to heal from it....but a good start is thinking he needs to just STFU in your head to replace what your mind has been accustomed to....but in his presence (and his annoyance) the PC and satisfying thing to say is "I'm sorry you feel that way". How he feels about anything anymore is HIS problem...not yours. Is his opinion the only one that matters? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 You did nothing wrong Loveless....the only thing I would add is that you didn't say "I'm sorry you feel that way" 17 times if you answered those calls....and you may have responded to all those texts in other ways than to say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 You did nothing wrong Loveless....the only thing I would add is that you didn't say "I'm sorry you feel that way" 17 times if you answered those calls....and you may have responded to all those texts in other ways than to say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Yes, one thing you could have finally said (after reassuring him DD was fine and safe with Mama), is "Stop this harassment" and repeat like a broken record if necessary every third text or so. Say nothing else. If constant phone calls come in, text same reassurance, then follow with same. Let this happen enough, and it becomes a crime. Keep the texts alive in your phone. The ABC System A. Always talk nice, like Trippi says, on the first go round with phone call or text. "Everything is fine, honey.". If it is a call, re-iterate call on text: "just want to re-assure you everything is fine with DD. I know exactly how to care for her needs. Thank you for your concern. Smily face." B. On second call or text, give a little additional reassurance, followed by a warning to stop interrupting your time with the child. If it's a call, re-iterate the convo on text: "Please stop intruding on my time with DD." C. On 3rd or more contacts, don't pick up calls, just let it go to VM. Text the message "Stop this Harassment," plain and simple. When you get a chance, check VM to see if there is any emergency. Save all VM - they probably will be nasty since you are not dancing to his tune. The ABC Method will establish you control of matters again. If anyone has questions, just show the texts, and VM he has left. Keep a Voice Activated Recorder when you have to see him. Do not talk or argue! Only Respond with one of the following: 1. The Trippi Smpathic Nice-Nice Method: "I'm sorry you feel that way, hon." 2. The Yas Confusion Method: "Believe what you want to believe." 3. RonaldS in Your Face Method: "STFU" (I recommend you wisper it his ear or write the letters on a little card that you can just pull out of your pocket and show with a big grin. Hope these ideas help. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 (edited) Am i considered really irresponsible? I mean He looked like he wanted to murder me bc its his kid too and he didnt know where she was.. Although i think he was mostly mad bc tomorrow is his day with her and he doesnt want her to be cranky I am calling social services right now.....you are soooooo bad!......NOT! I used to get the same BS from my XW, then I got smart . I don't tell my XW ANYTHING unless it is directly connected to my child's health and well being. Keeping your child out on a non-school night for fun is anything but irresponsible IMO. If my child were ill, I would tell the XW, if she had to go to the ER, same thing......you get the picture. Today I am going over to a buddies house that has a kid the same age, she has no idea, it is not her business as we have separate lives now. Let the STBX find out from your child. If he gets mad, who cares? The courts are not going to take away your kids for spending quality time with them. Tell his to shut the heck up like the other posters suggest. As far as his anger, I dealt with the same thing. I suggest ignoring texts and DON'T answer the phone.....if it's that important he'll leave a message. You'll always have to deal with him, but YOU are in control of when you need to address his BS. And again, don't tell him anything that he doesn't need to know as long as it doesn't endanger your kid. He sounds like a controlling jerk. Edited February 23, 2014 by TheBladeRunner missed something 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Do not talk or argue! Only Respond with one of the following: 1. The Trippi Smpathic Nice-Nice Method: "I'm sorry you feel that way, hon." 2. The Yas Confusion Method: "Believe what you want to believe." 3. RonaldS in Your Face Method: "STFU" (I recommend you wisper it his ear or write the letters on a little card that you can just pull out of your pocket and show with a big grin. Hope these ideas help. Yas I've used all three before.....lol. But the first one isn't really to make nice-nice, it's designed to make a control freak own his/her own feelings and you not take responsibility for their feelings/anger. It shut my exH down as it gave him no ammunition to fight back with. The other two with him were just fighting words. Just my experience, but was on a call with Divorce Busters when they told me to use that if he started in on blaming me as he was leaving our marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Hilarious how women pick control freaks with a strong sexual spark and treat nice guys like **** because they can't deliver the spark. What a "busy bee" Alf70.....over 63 posts on your first day on the boards. Well, welcome to LS. Actually, nice guys can deliver the spark....you just have to find the right nice guy and not let him get complacent enough to let the spark die. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 You didn't do anything wrong. No you are not irresponsible for keeping your 6 year old out a little late on a non-school night. How did he even know you were out that late? What's he doing, keeping tabs on everything you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 I've used all three before.....lol. But the first one isn't really to make nice-nice, it's designed to make a control freak own his/her own feelings and you not take responsibility for their feelings/anger. It shut my exH down as it gave him no ammunition to fight back with. The other two with him were just fighting words. Just my experience, but was on a call with Divorce Busters when they told me to use that if he started in on blaming me as he was leaving our marriage. Sorry I misinterpreted you Trippi! Y Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Hey Yas - Don't worry a bit, I thought it sounded too nicey-nice when I first heard it too..but every time he would come at me with something angry...it worked. Go figure huh? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Screw what you X says. I've watched my XW go from a responsible parent to a midlife crisis filled 37 year old. I got b*tched out by my XW to get my daughter home on time per our parenting plan, to show up and watch her leave her with my older daughter while she was dressed to the 9s to go out on a week night, then got to watch over the weekend as she had a 3 day Fiesta and stayed out until 5am....which she hasn't done in 12 years while she is "finding herself". Link to post Share on other sites
TheNewMe2014 Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Not even slightly irresponsible. I went through some of the same verbal abuse about my decisions with my ex. I learned the hard way that I just should let her STFU. Courts and friends concurred that the choices I made were the right ones. But I went through a year of this self discovery (and I fell back into the trap yesterday..so you always need to remain vigilent). Here's the deal - you and him have different ways of raising the kids. You won't agree with his..he won't agree with yours. Probably part of your divorce (you didn't agree on things). So why would that change now. If you have custody of the child while it's your day..then you raise the child as you see fit. If it's truly an issue, he'll take you to court. I doubt that would ever happen and if it did go to court..for something like this, forget it..the judge will laugh at it. You absolutely can have a special night with your child..up late. Heck, it could be on a school night (though much better not on a school night). Your not neglecting the basic needs of your child. Here's one other way to look at it. Take the year as a whole. Look at any activities that you feel might be 'inappropriate' - staying up late, yelling at your child, feeding them junk. Would that one day..five days..whatever..stand out in the course of year? Will anyone really care in three months? If that answer is 'no'..and it probably is...then it's not a big deal. You left him..don't let him control you. Stand up and be in charge and show him how good a parent you are. Link to post Share on other sites
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