OnTheTruePath Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 They say that forgiveness is one of the most significant steps to reconciliation following a traumatic event or discovery within a marriage (i.e. an affair--emotional or otherwise). By forgiving the wayward spouse, the betrayed spouse can begin to work on repairing the damage that the affair caused and mending the enormous chasm that formed between the spouses. So it would seem that forgiveness is one of the primary steps in rebuilding that bridge that the wayward spouse destroyed in their thoughtless act/s of betrayal; the betrayed spouse and their disgraced other can work as one unit once again to resurrect that forsaken bond that they once called a marriage.....interesting. An affair is considered by most to be the ultimate act of betrayal and unfaithfullness in a marriage. The after-math of the betrayal often sends destructive ripples flowing outward from their source and into other aspects of the spouses' lives. Some of those ripples are so effectively destructive that neither spouse recovers from the shock. In fact, it isn't surprising when one reads of the horrors that many betrayed spouses associate the shock with. Recent polls dicatate that the betrayed spouse experiences emotions that are more common to a heinous crime or some other traumatic event (such as a death in the family, murder, suicide, etc). Armed with this knowledge, I ask the betrayed spouses (although I am not barring any commentary from the disgraced/wayward spouse) how can you forgive your "significant other" after what they've done to you? I, personally, wouldn't forgive the man/woman that brutally took a knife to my loved one's throat and pulled the blade across; nor would I forgive that same barbarian were it me at the blade's mercy. It isn't so far-fetched to assume that none of you here at loveshack would disagree with me in that regard. As stated above, the shock that results from an affair is on par with the shock that may follow an event similiar to the one I previously described. If you wouldn't forgive the murderer, then why forigive the wayward spouse? It is the wayward spouse that so cruelly carried on behind your back with another. It is the wayward spouse that forsaked the vows that they pledged to uphold. It is the wayward spouse that, essentially, holds the blade that stabs deeply into your heart. How can any of the betrayed spouses on this forum live with that? How can you reside in the same household as your disgraced other? What inside drives you to stay with this person that has proven themselves unworthy of your affection and trust? Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Everyone is different. Every marriage is different. Some marriages survive affairs, others don't. No doubt: An affair changes forever the marital texture and tone. Not all affairs, however, need be fatal to every marriage. No relationship is perfect: even an affair-less relationship. Some marriages absorb body blows better than others. Rather than attempt to force every affair-afflicted marriage to end, let the couple decide whether enough of value is left that the marriage is worth preserving. An affair is not necessarily a marital death penalty, nor should it be. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Forgiveness comes in understanding that betrayal comes from a succumbing to a moment of weakness when the wayward spouse feels his/her needs aren't being met in the marriage. Wayward spouses are human beings. Normal, flawed human beings with normal human urges. We all have them. Not all of us act on them. Heck, some can't even admit to themselves or anyone else that they have them. The wayward spouse not only had them, they acted on them. They didn't do it because they are mean heartless bastards or bitches who take pleasure in hurting their spouses. They did it out of a lapse of judgment, a weighing of risk/benefits not in the spouse's favor. Inconsiderate? Selfish? Yes. A deliberate attempt to brutally hurt the spouse? No. It is not a matter of judgment or condemnation. It is a matter of digging down to bottom of the motive - addressing those needs that the wayward spouse felt was lacking and working with the betrayed spouse to rebuild trust, readjust, and accommodate so that the needs of both spouses are being met. If that can't happen - if the betrayed spouse is completely unwilling and/or unable to accept that their spouse is human and capable of making human mistakes, and is incapable of seeing any point of view but their own as the victim - then there is no chance that reconciliation can happen. Therapy would be pointless, as the betrayed spouse has no interest but their own in the situation. Reconciliation, forgiveness and the building of trust is a two way street. If you can't forgive yourself for cheating, or you can't forgive your spouse for cheating - and you aren't even willing to try, then divorce is the only option. The type of stuff you describe here: If you wouldn't forgive the murderer, then why forigive the wayward spouse? It is the wayward spouse that so cruelly carried on behind your back with another. It is the wayward spouse that forsaked the vows that they pledged to uphold. It is the wayward spouse that, essentially, holds the blade that stabs deeply into your heart. How can any of the betrayed spouses on this forum live with that? How can you reside in the same household as your disgraced other? What inside drives you to stay with this person that has proven themselves unworthy of your affection and trust? Sounds like the only set of needs that you would be willing to see met are the betrayed. The wayward spouse's needs may not be what the betrayed wants them to be, but he/she has them nonetheless - or else they wouldn't have strayed. People don't cheat to deliberately hurt their spouse, they do it as a way of meeting their own needs (sometimes with little regard for the consequences). The only way to get through a situation like that is to understand and accept that he/she had those needs, and that the next step is seeing that whatever needs he/she has can be addressed and met in your own marriage - then he/she won't have need of an 'other'. The only way to do this: forgiveness, rebuilding of trust, and working through it - but both parties must be willing to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Can I ask you one question? Have you ever had a spouse betray you to know what it is like? I had a BF who cheated on me and I broke it off w/ him as soon as I found out. But when my H of 11 years (2gether 13), cheated on me during our divorce/seperation, I did take him back (after he agreed to counseling). We have two wonderful children 2gether and even though it hurt like he!! what he did to me I couldn't risk loosing the marriage not knowing what the future held for us. I still loved him and it was hard dealing w/ it all. There are so many ppl who have asked me why I took him back. They have no idea what's it's like to be betrayed. I always told myself if he ever cheated on me I wouldn't take him back, until it actually happened. There is no comparision between murder and betrayal. If I had the choice of the OW sleeping w/ him or killing him, I would of chose her to sleep w/ him. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Originally posted by OnTheTruePath I ask the betrayed spouses (although I am not barring any commentary from the disgraced/wayward spouse) how can you forgive your "significant other" after what they've done to you? BECAUSE I still love and care for her... My situ is a little different than the typical affair. My wife had a quasi-ONS. Forgiveness isnt something you say....its something you feel. And I am still in the process of forgiveing her....its been 6 months...but I finaly am feeling forgiveness.... How can any of the betrayed spouses on this forum live with that? its not easy....I still think about it every day....it hurts me deeply. BUT I love her...and my love for her far exceeds my anger with the situ. How can you reside in the same household as your disgraced other? Again, mine was not a full fledged affair.....so I dont know how I would feel if it was. But, again...my LOVE runs deep....and it has not swayed....its still here for her... What inside drives you to stay with this person that has proven themselves unworthy of your affection and trust? Love, faith and hope drives me. My wife choose to do what she did....but she also chose to make things right with us. And her choice to make it right and to make this marriage work, feeds my faith and hope and that is what keeps me here. Link to post Share on other sites
only1life Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Yeah, I can live with it. She made a mistake. She's sorry. I believe her and I forgive her. And I love her. And I love being with her. And she loves being with me. Isn't that enough to make the effort of rebuilding our marriage worthwhile? I think so. 'nuff said. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Forgiveness is not just what you do for your spouse. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself when you decide that you are not going to continue living in fear, in anger, in bitterness....It's about taking control of your life and your feelings. Perhaps, if we are honest, it's a case of if the table were turned, might we have done the same thing? Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Originally posted by sylviaguardian Forgiveness is not just what you do for your spouse. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself when you decide that you are not going to continue living in fear, in anger, in bitterness....It's about taking control of your life and your feelings. Perhaps, if we are honest, it's a case of if the table were turned, might we have done the same thing? Sylvia Very true. Forgiveness is never for the benefit of the betrayer but is ,and always will be, for the benefit of the betrayed. TMCM Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Wow...the replies to this have been soooo on the money with how I've felt on this too. I couldn't REALLY begin to forgive my wife until she made the choice to fix our marriage. I remember that day well....as well as I remember our D-day, or better. Up to that point, she had been undecided in her own mind and heart as to what she wanted...regardless of what she said. And I knew that...could see it in her eyes and her actions. And when she made her decision, she demonstrated it to me very clearly, unmistakeably. She continued to deal with the "addiction" for a while longer, but her choice had been made, and so my ability to forgive her grew. The longer she's continued to demonstrate her love for me, and her trustworthiness since the affair, the easier the forgiveness has been to give. I made a point to understand WHY it happened...what she was feeling before, during, and after. What she was lacking, that she hoped to find in him (she had an online emotional affair...it never got the chance to become physical). Understanding why, and working with her to ensure that it wouldn't happen again, combined with clearly seeing her deep regret over what happened and her heartfelt desire to not let something like this occur again are what have enabled me to forgive her. And I have. Even now, when I'm down in the dumps and thinking about the whole thing, I don't blame her. I just wish it had never happened, and pray that it never will again. Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 By making forgiveness dependent on the betrayer, we are giving the betrayer control over our anger, bitternerss, and desire for retribution and I for one do not like giving someone else that kind of control over my life. TMCM Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Remember that you can choose to forgive someone and yet choose not to reconciliate with him/her. Forgiveness and Reconciliation are NOT the same. TMCM Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Granted you can forgive but not reconcile...but you CANNOT reconcile if you haven't forgiven. Perhaps I'm a jerk. My belief is that forgiveness is given...and in my case, there were certain things that I had to have in order to give that forgiveness. I had to understand WHY it happened, and I had to know that it wasn't going to happen again. If someone OTHER than my spouse were to do something to deliberate to hurt me, I would have the same criteria. Why did they do it, and can I expect them to do it again? I won't forgive someone who hurt me completely without cause or reason, nor will I forgive someone who truly intends or expects to do same thing to me again. It's got nothing to do with giving the betrayer any kind of control...in fact, it's got to do with holding them responsible for their actions. We may have to "agree to disagree" on this one TMCM. Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Originally posted by Owl Granted you can forgive but not reconcile...but you CANNOT reconcile if you haven't forgiven. Not so because there a lot of people who stay married after an affair and constantly throw the affair in their former unfaithful spouse's face during heated arguments. These folks reconciliated with their spouses but never forgave them for their infidelity. If someone OTHER than my spouse were to do something to deliberate to hurt me, I would have the same criteria. Why did they do it, and can I expect them to do it again? I won't forgive someone who hurt me completely without cause or reason, nor will I forgive someone who truly intends or expects to do same thing to me again. My definition of forgiveness is probably different than yours. For me forgiveness is letting go of the anger, bitterness and desire for retribution that are the natural reactions we experience after someone wrongs us. Personally I do not see ANY benefit in keeping those caustic things alive in me because in the end I am going to be the one most damaged by them than the person who betrayed me. It's like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It's got nothing to do with giving the betrayer any kind of control...in fact, it's got to do with holding them responsible for their actions. I beg to differ because you are letting the other person's actions dictate your own. Besides forgiving someone in no way absolves that person for his/her actions and the consequences that come from them. I forgave the drunk driver that killed my parents long ago but I sure as hell did not absolve him from serving his well deserved time in prison. We may have to "agree to disagree" on this one TMCM. That's ok. It would be a very boring world if everybody felt and thought the same, wouldn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
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