Author Mrs_AJ Posted February 24, 2014 Author Share Posted February 24, 2014 Thank you Tripping! Personally, I'd have the divorce papers in order for him to sign when he gets back after those six weeks. I'm truly sorry for what you are going through, but do understand that it's good he isn't wasting 15 or 20 years of your life where you never please him. You are light years ahead of him and this power struggle he is trying to create is just him trying to control. I'm sorry, but your husband is a typical narcissist. It has nothing to do with you lying about visiting the ex now, it has everything to do with him having the upper hand and then blaming you for it. I think I was fortunate to have met nice people before him that he really did hit me hard. I still don't get the need for a power struggle. I was an open book to him. Look, you are young and you have a good job. You know how to take care of yourself, can put a roof over your own head, car in the driveway and can put food on your own table. What can you not give yourself that a man can? The same thing a man needs from a woman, companionship, friendship, admiration, caring, love and respect. funnily enough I did tell him that we needed to work on our friendship. I knew friends don't intentionally hurt each other. I thought perhaps I was out if depth with our relationship but friendship anyone can do. Weird. Is he showing those things consistently....nope. I think the thing Forest GUMP would say...."....and I was running!!" I would be. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Your family sounds manipulative. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripz Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Your family sounds manipulative.Perhaps I missed something, but they seemed to me to be doing the correct thing. Helping her disassociate from this monster....? And he IS a monster. AJ seems very sweet, got in over her head and wants it to be better. He seems like a complete narcissistic pig and only showed his true colors AFTER the wedding vows. I'm really feeling for her in this situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 I'm getting a whiff (tip of the hat to Radu) of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Have you read much about it, AJ? The push/pull; the dizzying romantic honeymoon period then the "painting you black" detachment... Sounds pretty classic. Read about it, and see what you think. But whatever labels apply, here's the fact: The sweet loving guy that you fell in love with is only part of who he is. This angry neglectful person you are now with is part of him too. You have to reconcile that, and decide if this is even something worth fighting for. Use the time apart to try to find yourself and your strength and see what happens when he returns. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 I feel for you too AJ ! I am sick at home and can barely type, but I have to reach out to you and say: "Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn !!!" I was with someone like this for years and I look back now and it is like I was a prisoner in a dark tunnel. I was strong and smart and funny and people admired me, until I met him.... then EVERYTHING I did, said, wore was wrong, I didn't recognize or even like myself in the end and did it make him happy ? NO ! Did he heal and become a better person ? NO ! You are DOCTOR for chrissakes, I know that doesn't make you a genius but it makes you someone strong who can put in the time and do hard work. How DARE this guy make you feel like you are scum on his shoe. That is HIS way of projecting HIS insecurities onto you. Everything you wrote, I recognized. It will never get better, HE will never get better. YOU fell in love with a fantasy version, the person he would LIKE to be but can't maintain for longer than a few months here and there. I am practically in tears for you that you have to go through this, and terrified that you will sign right up for more manipulation and punishment if he returns and says the "right words" in six weeks. PLEASE DON'T !!! READ THE BOOKS, DO THE COUNSELING, STAY STRONG AND SANE ! (Years later we tried just being friends, and he was the same sick, manipulative twisted person. I believe he just turned 50, and has not yet had a healthy happy relationship.) I'm pulling for you here AJ. You can DO this !!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tripz Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 Mrs AJ, I guess I'm totally confused. I went back and read your posts starting 2008-09, about your LDR with another medical student from the US. Is this the same man that you eventually married and are now having issues with? Or is this another man that you met online? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs_AJ Posted February 24, 2014 Author Share Posted February 24, 2014 I feel for you too AJ ! I am sick at home and can barely type, but I have to reach out to you and say: "Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn !!!" I was with someone like this for years and I look back now and it is like I was a prisoner in a dark tunnel. I was strong and smart and funny and people admired me, until I met him.... then EVERYTHING I did, said, wore was wrong, I didn't recognize or even like myself in the end and did it make him happy ? NO ! Did he heal and become a better person ? NO ! You are DOCTOR for chrissakes, I know that doesn't make you a genius but it makes you someone strong who can put in the time and do hard work. How DARE this guy make you feel like you are scum on his shoe. That is HIS way of projecting HIS insecurities onto you. Everything you wrote, I recognized. It will never get better, HE will never get better. YOU fell in love with a fantasy version, the person he would LIKE to be but can't maintain for longer than a few months here and there. I am practically in tears for you that you have to go through this, and terrified that you will sign right up for more manipulation and punishment if he returns and says the "right words" in six weeks. PLEASE DON'T !!! READ THE BOOKS, DO THE COUNSELING, STAY STRONG AND SANE ! (Years later we tried just being friends, and he was the same sick, manipulative twisted person. I believe he just turned 50, and has not yet had a healthy happy relationship.) I'm pulling for you here AJ. You can DO this !!!! Thank you for your kind words Melody. I was having doubts this evening. I'm still excusing his behaviour from time to time. I'm sick of it all. I'm so lucky to have a relaxed scanning training week this week. It's been therapeutic seeing happy couples have their first baby scans. Their joy has made me smile. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs_AJ Posted February 24, 2014 Author Share Posted February 24, 2014 Mrs AJ, I guess I'm totally confused. I went back and read your posts starting 2008-09, about your LDR with another medical student from the US. Is this the same man that you eventually married and are now having issues with? Or is this another man that you met online? Hi Tripz, no that is my ex. The ex I've remained friends with and visited last year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrs_AJ Posted February 24, 2014 Author Share Posted February 24, 2014 Damn itttttttt!!!!!! Why why did I have to check his FB page? It's too surreal!!! He posted pics of his stay in Kuwait already. Looks like fake happiness... Or maybe he's really happy. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 That's Ok that you looked as his FB, it's showing you his actions and his priorities, none of which center around you. Keep reminding yourself : Make no excuses for him, look at his actions as if in a court of law. His actions do not a show man who is in love with and prioritizing his wife and that is ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. I don't care about peoples traumatic childhoods anymore, I care about how their actions affect me. This man is off kilter, he will bring you no happiness. Actions not words ( and frankly you're getting neither !) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tripz Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 I know this is bad, but I keep wondering what his expression would be when he comes home to an empty house, cause you've already taken preemptive measures and left. This is going to be really difficult, AJ, but unless everyone here is missing some minute detail that makes this marriage worth sticking around for, I think you may have a consensus on what to do next. I hope I'm not out of line with that comment. We all really want what's in your best interest and overall continued happiness....truly. Link to post Share on other sites
TrappedWanderer Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 @Tripz-That's something I've wondered about, too, in my own situation. We both knew it was over and I would be leaving his country, but we had rented a temporary apartment and agreed I'd stay in it until the end of that period (a few weeks) while figuring out what on earth I was going to do next. Well, I ended up packing up allllllll my stuff, leaving his few things exactly where he'd left them, as well as empty boxes and a few wedding gifts that I didn't want. I shipped my stuff to my parents, took pictures of the apartment before I left, emailed the landlord explaining I'd had to leave and he was to be responsible for the cleaning and close-out, and I left. A difficult moment, taking one last look around on what was to have been my life, but then I grabbed my suitcases, got in a taxi, and left. I actually took a lot of pleasure and strength in knowing that he would be shocked that I left early, never seeing me again. Having to clean things up. Hell, I'd been the one dealing with everything up until then-it was his turn. I SOOO wish I could have been a fly on the wall to have seen his reaction, but I'm probably better off not knowing the truth of it. I'm happy with my decision, hard as it's been. @Mrs._AJ-take strength in that. I'm also an educated, independent lady and I was dedicated to him, to that marriage, to that life. But he wasn't, in the end. And I deserve better than that. And so do you! Build yourself back up over these next few weeks-you'll likely be surprised at how far you'd sunken and regain some of that courage and strength. Hard-for sure. But it's good to know I deserve better...and you'll discover that, too. I found these lyrics to ring true (not really my typical jam but, well-whatever works, haha): "After the Rain" Nelson Look in the mirror girl, by now you should know You're living in a fantasy, and you can't let go He never really loved you from the start The only thing he ever gave you was a broken heart Don't be afraid to lose what was never meant to be After the rain washes away the tears And all the pain Only after the rain Can you live again I know the emptiness you feel inside You're thinking if you break away, you'll never survive I'm waiting as my heart beats just for you Come on and take my hand and I'll pull you through But things will never change until you want them to After the rain washes away the tears And all the pain Only after the rain Can you live again After the rain You'll see the sun appear to light the way Only after the rain Can you hope to find true love again He never really loved you from the start The only thing he ever gave you was a broken heart Come on and take my hand I'll pull you through You know the time has come for you to face the truth After the rain washes away the tears And all the pain Only after the rain Can you live again After the rain You'll see the sun appear to light the way Only after the rain Can you hope to find true love again After the rain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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