Need guidance for a friend going through Divorce

[KateAustinTX]

Hi All:

 

I'm new here, stumbled upon this site in my quest to help my best friend who is going through a divorce. I don't know how to help her, and could use your advice. A little backstory is in order I'm sure.

 

She is 34, has 2 kids, ages 8 and 10. She's been married for 6 years, but was with her husband for 10 years prior to that. About three years ago, she had an affair with someone she worked with. It was very intense, very emotional. She would tell me how much she loved him, and how he was the very opposite of the man she married. Their affair went on for about a year, until her husband found out. He forced her to get a new job, and take out a restraining order against the guy she was having the affair with. She never explicitly told me, but I could tell just how horrible she felt about all this. But she confided in me that she was going to try and save her marriage for her kids sake.

 

So she tried to become the good wife again, taking an interest in the things her husband liked, which she never really cared for. She even went so far as to organize a surprise trip to the mountains where they got their wedding vows renewed. Everything seemed good on the surface. But when we hung out, I could tell she wasn't really happy. We'd get together, and her husband would pretty frequently bring up the affair and through her face in it, in front of her friends and whoever was there at the time. I never thought this was too cool, but hey, he had a right to be upset.

 

So about a year ago, she got pregnant by her husband. They decided that she should get an abortion...which she did, but I know this destroyed her even more. A few months after that, despite my advice, she decided to contact the guy she had an affair with again. Pretty quickly they were talking every day, and though she won't admit it to me, I'm almost positive they resumed their affair again. But surprisingly, she seemed happy again. She was smiling, and had a zest for life that seemed to be missing for the last few years. Or so I thought. Toward the end of the summer, she tried to commit suicide. The attempt failed, and she was put away for a while. When she got out, she did seem to have a new and better perspective on things. She confided in me that she had been seeing the affair guy again, but she had told him that they could only be friends right now, and that she was going to leave her husband.

 

So about a couple months ago, they told their kids that Mom is moving out, and that they are getting separated. That she was getting her own place. And this is exactly when she's dropped off the face of the Earth. She doesn't return my calls, my texts. I've dropped by her house a couple times but there's never been any answer. She finally told me in a text that she's struggling to survive each day. She's constantly crying, feels awful about what's happening with her kids, and is going to support groups for women going through divorce.

 

Her and I have been friends for over 10 years. And for most of those years, we've been BFF's. Tied to the hip. I don't know what to do to help her. I'm so worried about her. I've never been married, nor have kids, so I guess I can't relate to what she's going through. But she always told me how she wanted this divorce, how much she hated her husband. So I don't understand why she's having such a difficult time with it if it's something she wanted. I also don't know how I can be there for her if she wont even talk to me. I feel like I have to do something, that by doing nothing I'm turning my back on her when she needs someone the most.

 

So I guess my question is for those going through or have gone through a divorce. Does any of this behavior sound familiar? Did you shut out the entire world during your divorce? Is it a necessary stage? Is there anything a friend of yours did or didn't do that helped, or made things worse?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I just want to be there for my friend, but don't know how to do it.

[Yasuandio]

I slowly became a total recluse, starting during the latter years of the marriage. I have pretty much purposely eliminated most, if not all of my friends. Even a long term 20 year friendship. I have an anger management proble that I never, ever had in my entire life - and have little patience with anyone that tries to pull the wool over my eyes. I do have a mental illness, but this "reclusive" pattern of behavior began before the symptoms of Type 2 Bi-Polar emerged following a Tramatic event.

 

I feel almost like the exact opposite girl I used to be. So kind, gentle, sweet, understanding, forgiving. But now, I am cold as ice, feelingless. I don't feel anger. But I can get angry real fast. I think it is from holding so much in for so long (handing out "cheap forgiveness" per Janis Abrams definition), and swallowing my true feelings. Now it is coming out, in my physical health (extremely high blood pressure) years later.

 

Perhaps you friend is starting to isolate herself. Who knows. It could be anything. It is good that you are sticking by here side dispite her non-communication. Maybe u could write her a letter, and include paper and a stamped self addessed envelope. (But be careful what you say - you never know, she may be monitored). Perhaps she would write back, if you make it easy for her. Yas

[KateAustinTX]

I slowly became a total recluse, starting during the latter years of the marriage. I have pretty much purposely eliminated most, if not all of my friends. Even a long term 20 year friendship. I have an anger management proble that I never, ever had in my entire life - and have little patience with anyone that tries to pull the wool over my eyes. I do have a mental illness, but this "reclusive" pattern of behavior began before the symptoms of Type 2 Bi-Polar emerged following a Tramatic event.

 

I feel almost like the exact opposite girl I used to be. So kind, gentle, sweet, understanding, forgiving. But now, I am cold as ice, feelingless. I don't feel anger. But I can get angry real fast. I think it is from holding so much in for so long (handing out "cheap forgiveness" per Janis Abrams definition), and swallowing my true feelings. Now it is coming out, in my physical health (extremely high blood pressure) years later.

 

Perhaps you friend is starting to isolate herself. Who knows. It could be anything. It is good that you are sticking by here side dispite her non-communication. Maybe u could write her a letter, and include paper and a stamped self addessed envelope. (But be careful what you say - you never know, she may be monitored). Perhaps she would write back, if you make it easy for her. Yas

 

Thanks for the advice, I will definitely try writing her a letter, great idea. I'm curious, if you care to share, were you the one in your marriage to initiate the divorce?