Odd Friendship Dynamic

[Tailor2000]

I say friendship, but it's not quite there yet. Known this married woman in a social context for several years. Over the years I've known her to be kind, compassionate, and just has a sixth sense for knowing when things are wrong and showing concern and helping.

 

She is very attractive, but married, so not going there - as much as I would love to.

 

I like what her and the husband do and their family dynamic, it is something I aspire to. I think I could learn a lot from them and would like to become better friends.

 

I think part of me has some "sexual tension" so can barely talk to the woman without thinking Im being overtly sexual - even just by wanting to start a conversation about the weather. That's not what Im trying to do, I only want to break the social circle. Of course it doesn't help that she is always talking to someone and Im not inclined to interrupt. So I probably come across as rude.

 

On top of that though, I get the impression that there may be some sexual tension coming back at me. Im not sure. She is chatty and friendly with me the one minute. The next though, she can barely give me the time of day. She rarely initiates anything, I've asked her to help me on something - she's agreed to help but not really come back with anything.

 

Whereas other people of the other gender, I'll ask for help, they'll dig a bit deeper, I'll provide more information, before you know it, Im being invited round to their house for a cup of tea and everything sorted quickly.

 

But not this particular person. It's all fits and starts, hot and cold, mixed signals. I know this isn't her character.

 

In a large room with her husband, she has made sure she sits next to me. She's even swapped seats to sit next to me. Maybe she's just doing that to raise my self esteem and assure me she doesn't think I have the plague.

 

If she wants to get somewhere, she'll say excuse me, not to me, but the person next to me.

 

Maybe there's just nothing worth talking about because I haven't opened the conversation. But I seem to be able to talk to pretty much anybody else in the setting without any pretense and I can get help from anybody else.

 

But unless she really is that rude, her aloofness doesn't fit with her character. And half the time she seems to spend just as much time trying to avoid me as I spend avoiding her.

 

There's something I can't put my finger on. One minute she's chatty and friendly, the next, practically bordering on rude and avoidant.

 

There's something I can't put my finger on. Inconsistent.

 

Definitely if nothing else, need some advice to try to shrug off the attraction and try and converse to her on a more normal human level without creeping myself out.

 

While at the same time, making sure that any attraction is correctly notified should an opportunity present itself in the future. She once joked with me about divorce. Wondering if that really was a joke. Obviously she's married, but if she did separate, am I doing myself a disservice by trying to hide my attraction? Maybe her sitting next to me was "testing the water" and checking for a response.

 

Im also reminded that a lot of what I say could just be reflections on myself, I probably come across as rude, and ignorant, and whatever.

[preraph]

She is keeping you at arm's length because she knows you have a crush on her. It's pretty easy to tell. Usually if a man is talking to you much when they don't have to, like you asking for help, they're interested.

 

She may not want you talking to her husband and puts herself in the middle to prevent that just in case you turned into one of those guys who says "Man, you are one lucky guy" and then makes the husband jealous and mad at her for the next week.

 

Under no circumstances should you push this any further. If you respect her, you have to respect her marriage. If you don't, she may just figure you don't respect marriage in general.

 

If the time ever comes when she tells you she has divorced, she herself, not hearing it through the grapevine, then you could always say, "Oh, would you like to go have a drink and talk about it sometime?"

[Tailor2000]

She is keeping you at arm's length because she knows you have a crush on her. It's pretty easy to tell. Usually if a man is talking to you much when they don't have to, like you asking for help, they're interested.

 

Though it is strange Im able to talk to virtually every other married person without a problem, and I don't talk to her as much as some of the other women I know - but that's probably because I don't have a crush on them. Im guessing Im really obvious. But others are more than willing to help and nothing gets silly. It frustrates me Im having so many problems with this one because, aside from the crush, I just really like them and it would be nice to get to know them better.

 

Of course, if she knows I got a crush on her, why is she making a point of sitting next to me.

 

Under no circumstances should you push this any further. If you respect her, you have to respect her marriage. If you don't, she may just figure you don't respect marriage in general.

 

If the time ever comes when she tells you she has divorced, she herself, not hearing it through the grapevine, then you could always say, "Oh, would you like to go have a drink and talk about it sometime?"

 

Yes, although I do have this silly crush, I do respect her family and think they're good role models for me. I do actually like them and have wanted to be friends with them for ages.

 

Unless Im mis-reading something, Im getting a clear signal. It's annoying because it didn't have to be like that and I wish someone would be adult about it and discuss it. But that's it for me, there's a line drawn in the sand and Im not pursuing anything anymore. I wasn't pursuing the crush, just trying to pursue friendship, and I figured I might ask her to help me on something of which I know she definitely has the skills to do. I won't pursue the crush, the friendship, or the task.

 

I would never be the other man, and the only way anything would possibly happen is if what you said happened above.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[preraph]

It's because she knows you're crushing that she's not going to give you any false hope (whether you'd really take it that way or not) by doing something with you. Women can always sense it and the nice ones won't lead you on. As I said, she's sitting by you only when her husband is there and probably to prevent any possiblity of a bruhaha or him and you becoming buddies and then you being around making everything awkward.

[Tailor2000]

It's because she knows you're crushing that she's not going to give you any false hope (whether you'd really take it that way or not) by doing something with you. Women can always sense it and the nice ones won't lead you on. As I said, she's sitting by you only when her husband is there and probably to prevent any possiblity of a bruhaha or him and you becoming buddies and then you being around making everything awkward.

 

Thanks preraph. That makes sense.

 

Though I would say that the one time she sat with me, though there were other people around, her husband wasn't with her. That is the time she couldn't decide where to sit, fumbled and flustered with other chairs like she had a hidden agenda "should I, shouldn't I" and then sat next to me.

 

She was also wearing some low cut trousers that showed off her underwear too and from what I could tell, quite sexy underwear, which is quite unusual for her as she is usually very modestly dressed and does not show anything off at all. The underwear is nice to look at, but I wish she wouldn't do it, because she's married.

 

With everything all in, the hot and cold, the flustered nature, I did wonder if perhaps she may have been crushing on me at least a tiny bit as well. Or at least just checking the water. Stretch of the imagination, I know, but possible.

 

In relation to the help I asked her for, if it was just me with the problem, I don't know why she can't turn around and just say No, or say she's too busy.

 

But she hasn't, which makes me thinks something else is going on.

 

I don't mind Yes, I don't mind No, I don't mind someone telling me "I'll let you know in a couple of weeks", but silence is an absolute nightmare for me. It seems very rude, and she's not like that.

 

I know I have a problem talking to her because, although Im not trying to get with her, I do check what I say to make sure I don't cross the line, make sure Im not being provocative. If I can say it to someone else, I can say it to her. Sometimes those filters get confused, or I think Im being too chatty myself. I wonder if the same is happening with her, that there may be a spark that she is trying herself very carefully not to ignite or give the wrong impression. Maybe we do actually both like each other but both trying to keep it professional because she is married.

 

My ego gets boosted and I like to think that I have a great poker face that isn't obvious and I really am doing such a great act of not being interested that it's annoyed her into ignoring me.

 

It's really odd and doesn't fully add up. She isn't rude and is being rude in not replying (she normally replies very quickly). If the feeling wasn't mutual and she was just concerned about me crushing, I can understand the avoidance, but when asked a direct question for help, why not just say "too busy". If she's concerned about her behaviour, well she could still say she's too busy, unless she's guarding what she's saying.

 

It may be none of that though.

[preraph]

^ A lot of women have trouble being direct to guys. They will just avoid instead.

 

I certainly wouldn't put any weight on the fact that she sat by you once in a group situation after awkwardly trying to decide whether to or not. Or on what she wears. She's married. Whether she likes you at all doesn't really matter. She's clearly not opening the door any wider.

[Tailor2000]

Thanks again preraph.

 

I find it all rather childish. I think thinking about it and stretching the ideas out, the only reason I actually want to know what her thoughts are on all this is so I can actually address them. It's not about wanting to open the door wider, but to actually try and talk, address the issue, understand what's going on, maybe have a laugh about it, put it to bed and hopefully maybe cultivate a good friendship without any awkwardness or shyness.

 

It would be practical suicide for me to go to her and say, "There's been some friction between us, and I think you know it's because I find you attractive" and maybe "and I get the impression the feeling is mutual".

 

The response could be yes, lets talk. On the other hand it could be, "You do? I don't find you attractive. Whatever gave you that impression? Im just a bit stressed at work and frazzled".

 

If women are so much better at picking up on these "signals" why aren't they doing more talking? Why do they have to act childish and avoid for? I don't want to avoid, but Im useless at picking up signals! There is a lot of advice out there which seems to suggest you should avoid the issue, or give the person who has a crush on you a reason to be angry at you so they don't see you as perfect. To me though, being avoidant says "I feel awkward because there's something there, if I was innocent, I could talk about it easily, even if I hurt your feelings, sorry, but they're going to be hurt any how if I avoid you". So never be avoidant to me. Come straight to the point.

 

If she's closing the door because she's worried about leading me on, I really don't want her to worry about that. How do I find out what's going on, whether she has any concerns or not, so we can just talk about it like two mature adults and get on with life and hopefully just be friends.

[Tailor2000]

There's something odd going on with this married woman.

 

Im leaving out some of the description to keep things anon. We were at an event yesterday - separately. Others were there. I was saying my goodbyes, no need to say bye to everybody, so just key people. She was pre-occupied with something else, going backwards and forwards past me.

 

She's still really busy. I leave, and within 30 seconds, it was actually a lot quicker, she was right behind me like she was running to catch me up. I just carried on walking and she goes off in another direction.

 

Either it's a massive coincidence and she finished what she was doing, or, and here's the thing, she is as shy as I am. I've done that. I've been interested in someone, or at the least, wanted to talk to someone, and I've sat there keeping occupied with something else while watching the person out the corner of my eye to see when they leave. Then I quickly finish, make some excuses and try to follow up the rear hoping the other person is going to notice me and talk to me.

 

It's a great boost to the ego to think someone may like you that way, but unless she was divorced, I know she's off limits. Im getting a bit freaked out wondering what is going on with her. Everything feels awkward. I'd rather not have that, I value her more as a friend. But without being sure, it's not a conversation I can really have. I'd just love to be able to talk to her, find out what's going on, sort it out, stop all this awkwardness and just be friends.

 

She was talkative to me yesterday before the event, but gone back to being distant since.

 

It's really weird.

 

I wish I had said something now, that could have been the catalyst for her talking to me and getting everything straight. Now she probably just thinks Im being rude for not saying bye when I wasn't. Im just a bit shy myself, and leave people to have their conversations. Then I have a real problem recognising people outside and it was only when I processed the image in my head had I realised who it was. But it was a bit late to turn back then.

 

Oh what to do now. Don't want her to think Im being rude. And I value her friendship more as she is married. So if something else is going on, how do I find out what's troubling her and try to be adult about it, talk about it, and stop it?

[preraph]

She has a brain and a functioning mouth so if she feels like coming on to you you, she's perfectly capable of it. After all, she somehow managed to convey these emotions to her HUSBAND. I just want you to consider which of the following responses you are mostly likely to get if you ask her if she likes you:

1) Oh, I'm so relieved you asked. After seeing you at several public events, I am in love with you and now that I know it's mutual, I'm going to leave my husband.

2) I'm MARRIED.

 

You haven't said this is at work, but if it is at work, you need to cool it or you'll end up getting in a sexual harassment mess. There are a few billion women in the world. Ask yourself why you are only focused on this one married one and not out there shopping around for available ones! You're wasting precious time!

[Tailor2000]

She has a brain and a functioning mouth so if she feels like coming on to you you, she's perfectly capable of it. After all, she somehow managed to convey these emotions to her HUSBAND. I just want you to consider which of the following responses you are mostly likely to get if you ask her if she likes you:

1) Oh, I'm so relieved you asked. After seeing you at several public events, I am in love with you and now that I know it's mutual, I'm going to leave my husband.

2) I'm MARRIED.

 

You haven't said this is at work, but if it is at work, you need to cool it or you'll end up getting in a sexual harassment mess. There are a few billion women in the world. Ask yourself why you are only focused on this one married one and not out there shopping around for available ones! You're wasting precious time!

 

 

You misunderstand. Or Im doing a terrible job of explaining.

 

 

I haven't tried anything on with her, nor have I been suggestive with her, I've been discrete and kept myself to myself. Now the situation is getting awkward and of course, it is possible, because it does happen that married people get crushes on other people, maybe she is shy herself and knowing she is married doesn't want to bring up the subject unless she knows Im into her.

 

 

NOT THAT I want to meddle in a marriage, but as a grown adult, we may actually be able to talk to each other sensibly and I can say for me she is clearly off limits and to she should think about her marriage, try and work it out and maybe get over this awkwardness and hopefully get into the friend zone!

 

 

You see for me, a third option is, "I do like you and I feel awful about it." "Me too. There's no point ignoring it, but we both agree that nothing can come from this. Why is it we feel like this?" and so on, work things out and stop being awkward.

 

 

You talk about me cooling it, but I haven't done anything. She though has sat next to me, touched my arm, leant into me while talking, kept herself occupied while I was talking to someone then followed me out.

 

 

Im not an idiot, 100% could be construed as just mere friendship. 100% could be misreading. 100% could be her not being sure of my intentions. Some of it could be shy or flirty behaviour. I don't know. But there's something I can't put my finger on which is making me feel awkward. I would like to address it. Obviously I can't because I don't know what's going on.

 

 

Which is why Im asking, what's going on. Or how can I find out what's going on?

 

 

If she was divorced, fair enough. But she isn't. Anything more than friendship is no.

 

 

I think I should just work on the friendship and talk to her normally.

[preraph]

You seem like such a nice person, but it also seems like you are obsessing about this woman. Whatever happens, I wish you luck.

[CarrieT]

100% could be construed as just mere friendship.

Not if you are obsessing about this much.

 

100% could be misreading.

Yep. I'm willing to bet that is what it is...

 

100% could be her not being sure of my intentions.

What ARE your intentions!?!?!?

 

But there's something I can't put my finger on which is making me feel awkward. I would like to address it.

Here is the crux of your situation. YOU feel awkward but there is nothing to address to what you should do is separate yourself from these recurring situations.

 

Do you get that? You can't address these feelings with the woman and despite starting multiple threads on the subject, the best thing you can do is remove yourself from the circle of influence because YOU are building it up in your head more and making it an issue when it probably is not for her.

 

Obviously I can't because I don't know what's going on.

 

Which is why Im asking, what's going on. Or how can I find out what's going on?

What is going on is that you are making it a bigger deal than it needs to be. And the more you rant and rave and think about it, the bigger deal it is going to become.

 

Again, remove yourself from the situation and diffuse the energy you are giving it. THAT is how you can fix it. Talking to her about it will do nothing but escalate it.

[Tailor2000]

Thank you Carrie. Makes quite a lot of sense. I would actually like to be friends with her. And her husband. So I think I got some stuff to work out.

 

A friend of mine wondered from my description, whether she could be trying to make her husband jealous, or whether she is trying to see if "she still has it".

 

A number of things are possible. Yesterday she came across as being a bit of a facebook stalker. She could tell me about things on my Facebook, but she hadn't commented on or liked. Maybe she was just trying to stimulate conversation though.

 

I won't lie, I do think she's very attractive, and it's not like I haven't hoped that maybe one day, I could be with her if she ever got divorced.

 

Likeliehood, 0.1%. So I have to try to get over this and get back to friendship with her.

[Tailor2000]

I always find I forget something that might swing in my favour.

 

I've known this woman for at least a year, and I've liked her from the first time I saw her. The little I got to know about her, the more I was attracted to her.

 

During that time, I've been discrete, tried to cultivate a friendship, nothing more, failed miserably. Whatever has happened, whatever I picked up on that prompted the original post, has only been in the last few weeks. So I've left thinking actually, after all said and done, what is different? My behaviour hasn't changed. Maybe my perception has? Maybe her behaviour has? Maybe she's trying to make her husband jealous, or maybe she has developed feelings for me herself? It does happen.

 

Granted, probably not likely.

 

Aside from all that, I've been trying to work out what it is about this one person. I think that I've met other married women that I thought were cute, but they've been approachable, I can talk to them, they strike up a conversation with me, they're friendly. I can ask them for favours and help and get it without any hassle or fuss. They move I think from what I call the "mysterious zone" to the "acquaintance/friendship zone".

 

This woman that I have a crush on, is always busy, always talking to someone else, rarely acknowledges me, rarely strikes up a conversation with me and has messed me around for a long time saying yes to helping me out with something, but never agreed a date or time. Even now, cannot tell me a date or time over the next several weeks that it would be convenient for her.

 

Anybody else though, I can go to, ask, if they can't help, they say no, if they can they say yes and then they arrange a time and sort it out. This one has said yes and is just keeping me waiting.

 

It's all rather weird. And I realise I've just described her as being possibly rude. But she's not rude, she's not ignorant, she seems to know when something is wrong and ask about it, and if you're bold enough to talk to her, she will reply. She will give you her undivided attention.

 

I think that's what's happening here. Im just hanging around waiting to get a word in, Im shy and reserved, she's busy, she leaves before I can talk to her, I look a bit creepy and Im back to square one trying to break the ice again next time I see her.

 

I think an analogy, I can strike up a conversation with a shopkeeper because they're always there. But if it was a customer who was always in a rush, I'd never advance beyond hello.

 

My intentions, yeah, I wish she was divorced and I'd try to get with her in a shot. But she's not. If she was attracted to me, I'd like to validate, make her know it was mutual, but draw a line under it unless she was divorced (some people want to know if the feeling is mutual before putting themselves out there). But Im not likely to know.

 

So friendship is fine. I'd welcome that. She would move out of the mysterious zone.

 

But always having to break the ice.

 

It shouldn't be this difficult. While its easy to say she may be avoiding me, or just doesn't favour my company, I think there's more to it than that. Not attraction, but I can't pinpoint what it is and why I have problems speaking to this one person and progressing the relationship.

Edited March 10, 2014 by Tailor2000

[Catwoman13]

I think you need to be more honest with yourself. There are plenty of people in this world who can be your friend. Your interaction with this woman is already established, and it does not sound to me as though it got off on a particularly good or healthy footing that could be of benefit to you. You keep referring to "being adults" as justification for your "need" to "talk about it openly" but you are forgetting about her husband when you say that. If you were married would you be happy for your wife to be giving another man the time of day, just so they can discuss what's "between them?" !! - IF any discussion "needs" to be taking place, it is between the "adults" in the marriage first - any other discussion is secondary and if it is not forthcoming, assume she has no desire to break up her homestead to satisfy her curiosities, presumably because she values her marriage/home life more than the 'frisson' between the two of you.

 

Finally, if you want to be able to be adult about this, then may I suggest you be adult and wise enough to read between the lines of a situation and have the confidence to see clearly what is going on and please be realistic! A conversation is not necessary, you are just trying to get control of a situation in which you have no control. The only thing you can control is how you choose to behave, in spite of your emotions. Chances are, even if you can eventually pursue an "awkward-free" friendship (if indeed, that is truly what you want and nothing more), that you probably won't be able to switch off your feelings for her *just like that*, and that could affect your chances of finding someone else more readily available to you.

[Tailor2000]

Thank you CatWoman.

 

It depends upon your definition of control, and whether you mean control negatively, or positively.

 

Im just seeking to understand what's going on. I can sit here and acknowledge my natural normal feelings, incorrect feelings yes, but normal feelings that I find a woman attractive. And equally I can say quite simply her out of character behaviour is confusing me greatly. And I can say that my behaviour hasn't changed.

 

I get the feeling that there is some friction between me and her at the moment, and it's not because I've said something I shouldn't have said, or acted contrary to what I normally have done.

 

I wish she would just come out and say whatever is on her mind.

 

Part of me wishes she was divorced, part of me understands that married people do become unhappy and look elsewhere but wouldn't take a chance unless they knew the feeling were mutual. But a greater part of me respects the fact she is married and off limits.

 

I just wish I knew what was going on so I could actually deal with the stuff and move on. That's what I mean by being adult about it. Locking things up, ignoring it, avoiding the issue, I always see as a dangerous game. I don't see why someone who is happy and content in their marriage doesn't have the confidence to say "Im flatttered, but Im married".

 

I do think being able to talk to her on a normal friendship level is actually key for me to getting over this too and being able to recognise her as a friend.

 

If I was married, would I be happy for my wife to discuss with another man? Well assuming she is happily married and isn't interested in someone else, and I trust her, sure, why not? It's drawing a line in the sand and showing the other person any signals were misread or may even make my wife realise she may be giving off signals that she doesn't realise and could tone herself down a bit.

[ASG]

Her behavior is not out of character.

 

She picked up on your crush and has changed her interaction with you accordingly.

 

You seem hellbent on not accepting that, but that is what it is.

 

Her not committing to helping you? She doesn't want to say no, but also doesn't want to commit to actually helping. It's clear as water and not at all difficult to understand.

 

Basically, what she is telling you, is that she is NOT interested and could you please get over it. She will not let you get any closer to her.

[Tailor2000]

I do find it hard accepting she has picked up on my crush. It is possible, Im not ruling it out. But I've had this crush for several years in the several years I've known her, and it's only been in the past few weeks that her behaviour has changed. Why now? What's different? I spoke to a confidant who wasn't aware of anything and who knows us both. None of our other mutual friends has mentioned anything either, as far as they're concerned, I should have no problem approaching this woman for help, she's very easy to talk to!

 

Not that I've mentioned any crushes to them. So as far as I see, I've kept it well hidden. It's not like I've sat by her side every day, or tried to text her all the time or been fawning all over her and making droopy eyes when she's around.

 

While I say her behaviour has been different the past few weeks, she has been non-committal in the request for help for several months, even before this suggested discovery. But back then, her behaviour was absolutely fine, very kind, sweet, helping.

 

I fully accept saying "Im busy" is the equivalent of saying "Im not interested", but then why bother quantifying how much she wants to help, that she really wants to help, she's very happy to help, and even saying where we can meet. Why not just leave it as "Im busy"?

 

It's not clear as water. When people don't say what they mean, you have to interpret, and you, like me are trying to interpret. It's probably harder for you because you're hearing this information second hand.

 

It is possible she is telling the truth, that she is busy, she hasn't picked up on any signals from me, and she is just pre-occupied with something else. It does happen that things disappear down the schedule and forgotten about in a few weeks.

 

Without asking her though, I'll never know, but I do agree that any romantic interest cannot go any further. I do thank you for your answer, and please don't think I just want people to agree with me, there's something in the answers so far that just don't mesh fully.

[preraph]

Anyone as obsessed as you are is transparent to most women. It's a survival instinct. Of course she knows you're focused on her. How could she not know. When it didn't go away, she changed her behavior to help you let go.

[Tailor2000]

Anyone as obsessed as you are is transparent to most women. It's a survival instinct. Of course she knows you're focused on her. How could she not know. When it didn't go away, she changed her behavior to help you let go.

 

I don't know. It still doesn't make any sense.

 

I've had this attraction for several years. Her behaviour has only changed several times in the past few weeks, from friendly, to very friendly, to avoidant, to friendly, to very avoidant just in that time. Her busyness has pre-dated this awkwardness.

 

This suggests that the two issues, the avoidance/behaviour is separate to the busyness. I don't sit next to her or even near her. Not that I've avoided her either. I haven't done anything different. I haven't been fighting to be near her, or constantly messaging her. Unless my downfall was in asking her to be more specific about when she can help out.

 

Why, given the attraction for several years, is this now only suddenly obvious? And what is it that is obvious? Because I wish to tone it down and get rid of it and just try and speak to her normally without this nonsense getting in the way. She's a really nice person.

[ASG]

I don't know. It still doesn't make any sense.

 

I've had this attraction for several years. Her behaviour has only changed several times in the past few weeks, from friendly, to very friendly, to avoidant, to friendly, to very avoidant just in that time. Her busyness has pre-dated this awkwardness.

 

This suggests that the two issues, the avoidance/behaviour is separate to the busyness. I don't sit next to her or even near her. Not that I've avoided her either. I haven't done anything different. I haven't been fighting to be near her, or constantly messaging her. Unless my downfall was in asking her to be more specific about when she can help out.

 

Why, given the attraction for several years, is this now only suddenly obvious? And what is it that is obvious? Because I wish to tone it down and get rid of it and just try and speak to her normally without this nonsense getting in the way. She's a really nice person.

 

 

Dude, why can't you accept that she knows???

And she's known for a while. That's why she's always been busy and non committal.

The thing is, she probably expected it to have gone away by now. Clearly it hasn't, so she's changing her attitude, to see if you take a hint and move on!

 

It is pretty obvious. I've done the same thing! And I've known of every single male friend that had a crush on me, even if they tried to play it cool.

[Tailor2000]

Dude, why can't you accept that she knows???

And she's known for a while. That's why she's always been busy and non committal.

The thing is, she probably expected it to have gone away by now. Clearly it hasn't, so she's changing her attitude, to see if you take a hint and move on!

 

It is pretty obvious. I've done the same thing! And I've known of every single male friend that had a crush on me, even if they tried to play it cool.

 

 

Thanks for that. That answer is nice and firm, the best explained so far. I wish she didn't know so that we could just move on as friends.

 

I thought that's the way we were going before these last few weeks. Although I do think she's attractive, I haven't been coming on to her or anything and just, or thought, I was just trying to pursue friendship. That's another reason it was hard to accept. In the same way there are other women I find attractive but can talk to them OK, so was hoping it might have been something else.

 

Why do so many people have a problem with being direct? Why to they work on the principle of dropping hints and signals? Im useless at reading hints and signals. Be direct!

 

It's one of the reasons it's hard for me to accept, it needs to be argued out to its conclsuion. People need to be deal with me directly, no hints, consistent behaviour.

 

When people are inconsistent or non-direct, it throws me. I take people at face value. Whatever they say, I accept as the truth. If someone says they're busy, that's it, they're busy.

 

So, how do I "move on"? If it is even possible? Im presuming with the way things are at the moment, hat the hints she's dropping therefore, she really is saying no more and even friendship isn't possible at this stage? Which would be a very big shame, but I have to accept it. Which will unfortunately most likely mean no talking and even more awkwardness.

[Almond_Joy]

Just reading this is uncomfortable.

 

You said she's nice, and so she's trying not to be rude. But you are painting her in a corner with your unwanted attention. Whether you want to believe it or not, she knows you like her beyond a plutonic capacity. Your presence is a threat to the harmony of her marriage and her peace of mind.

 

Leave them alone! There are plenty of good healthy couples that you can establish a rewarding friendship with. You're only investing so much specualtion in this because you're interested in HER.

 

I also get that you haven't literally done much that would seem conspicuous or disrespectful. But the tone of your thoughts shared here in this thread is obsessive. Most women do have a strong intuition. It is VERY LIKELY that the tension on her end is coming from the intuitive sense she has that you are attracted to her in an unhealthy way. It's not in what you say, it's not in what you do. It is an instinctual feeling on her part that you have no control over.

 

Please leave this couple - and this woman - alone.

[Almond_Joy]

So, how do I "move on"? If it is even possible? Im presuming with the way things are at the moment, hat the hints she's dropping therefore, she really is saying no more and even friendship isn't possible at this stage? Which would be a very big shame, but I have to accept it. Which will unfortunately most likely mean no talking and even more awkwardness.

 

 

Just avoid her. A polite hi and bye when you run into her in social circles and that's it. She may seem off kilter when you change the dynamic for a little while, but in the long run she'll accept it and move on.

[preraph]

Friendship is not possible when one person is obsessed. You saying you want to "argue it out" is very worrisome. She is under no obligation to communicate with your further, and she doesn't owe you anything at all. Argue WHAT out? That you're mad because she doesn't believe you only want friendship and that she's taken note that you're inappropriately focused on her? Argue so that you can lie to her and try to convince her you haven't done anything wrong? It's untrue. You have intruded into her space unwanted and need to give up and move on and leave the group if that's what it takes for you to focus elsewhere.