Narcissism? Or immaturity? Or what?

[hauchosa]

This is long, I know. It also deals with some abuse... as a warning

 

I know that a lot of people come on here to help them define what their ex "is" in terms of personality disorders and I may be doing this. I may need help to be shown that this is not okay or I feel like simply explaining my situation for support may be helpful at this time. Either way thank you for reading.

 

I have been with this person for 2 and a half years. Our relationship progressed quickly as I met him approximately a month after I had left my last significant other and we decided to live together after 8 months. I must say I am generally quiet, but not shy, I worked in early childhood education so I have a very maternal nature and enjoy having conflict dealt with fairly and respectfully. In short, I like to be peaceful and I am able to admit when I have done something wrong and apologize. I can admit I make mistakes in relationships and I truly want to work with others to make things better in a productive way (believe me if you want, I know these are just forums). I try to see the best in people.

 

My significant other is 8 years my senior-not that it matters but to some it does.

When we met he was charming, calm, cool, respectful, acted like he cared about me and seemed like he listened. He has never been to university or had a career, I am completing my degree and often he mocks me for claiming "that I know everything" when I am simply talking about a some thing that I care about, or if he says that the sky is blue because of the ocean, I will say "well, actually..." and correct him nicely because, well the sky is blue because of raleigh scattering... In the beginning he spent time with me willingly and whole heartedly. However as things progressed and we lived together I noticed some things changing or perhaps just coming out of the woodwork.

 

He lied about some things he was interested in simply to connect our interests in the beginning of the relationship.

 

He told me that he "wanted me to experience what a good man was" and that he wasn't seeing anyone else. I later discovered that it was a lie, he had been seeing many other girls in the same way he was seeing me however I found out from his friends that he found me the most attractive at the time (which may be why he agreed to settle) He still pursues the girls he was having "sleepovers" with in the early stages of our relationship however he says that they are "just friends" I have explained to him that sleeping in the same bed as another woman and lying about it while you are committed to someone else is not friendship behaviour neither is saying you are out with your guy friends and not coming home till 4 am and I find out you are out with her ( a year into our relationship) -he counters my statement and says that I am crazy and overreacting and a bitch. I have asked him to discontinue his contact with these women out of respect to me because it's become inappropriate, however recently I have been told he has been sending her suggestive messages etc.. He will not stop. I feel like he feeds off flirting with other women/having side pursuits that simply are not appropriate.

 

He will talk poorly about people he knows to me, when he brings them up in conversation at another date I will ask "isn't that the guy who did that and this to you and made you upset?" he will say that I am making it up and that I am crazy... our friends have watched this happen before as well.

 

He enjoys arguing for the sake of arguing, he will push people and intentionally say things that he knows will hurt them just to prove a point. In some cases when I watch him I feel as if this point he stands behind doesn't even hold strong in his mind but because he has chosen to counter someone to seem like an extremists and garner attention.

 

He loves attention. He always seems like the "funny" and outgoing nice guy.

 

He is addicted to video games, if he doesn't have one going at any one time he must start another. (ex: if a console breaks he gets anxious, purchases one for PC and becomes consumed in it for days) He does not stop for anything if he is playing. I make him dinner, he eats it while he plays (trust me I am not approving of this and ask him for some time together and respect since I just made us food it would be nice to eat it together)-he will tell me I am a bitch for expecting he stop and it was my choice to make dinner, he never said he would stop playing for me... There's always a loophole out of him being in the wrong.

 

He is a mean drunk. He will make a negative joke towards me while drunk and look at me and others for a reaction, I will say "haha" blandly, unapproving and without emotion because it was insulting and because this probably was not the response he was looking for he will stare into my eyes and say something along the lines of "You are so ****ing lame, do you know that?" I will get up to do some thing else and he will stop me and repeat himself until I say I have heard him.

 

He calls all my friends "whores". My friends are respectful girls who are kind and fun to be with, we may go to pubs from time to time but this has all stopped since being with him. I have never been one to go to clubs or cheat on anyone so I don't know where he gets this from but every single friend I have ever had he calls a whore. If I tell him I have plans he asks "which one of your whore friends are you going to be with tonight?", if I ever do follow through with any plans he will nag at me for weeks about the time I spent away from him. I once went out with friends and came back home (at 10pm, only gone for 3 hours to help a friend move, I have never cheated or given him any reason to think I have), I layed in our spare bed and tried to sleep as I had class early that morning. He came in the room and called me a whore over and over and over in my face and I asked him to stop and to leave the room. That it was my right to be in my home without his verbally abusing me and to be able to sleep in time for university. He said no, that this place was his before it was mine and that the sheets I was laying on were his (we pay equal rent) so he could say it for as long as he wanted. I kept asking and finally got up and crossed my arms and tried to walk him out of the room, he deadlocked his arms in the door and I tried to get him out of the door as he kept yelling it at me (by trying to shut the door) . He threw me on the ground and choked me and still says that it was my fault I tried to get him out of the room. He was drunk.

 

I will sit calmly at our kitchen table, tell him that I have been thinking about a few things. He will say "oh no" I will try to say how I feel like, that I perceive our relationship to not be balanced (I am affectionate, give him back rubs, ask him how his day was, make him dinner, do the little things, whereas he almost never does any of these, aside from the occasional slap on the ass when he walks by that I have asked him to stop, we have sex maybe once a month at most and he spends the rest of the time watching porn when I leave to work and gaming when I am there) I just ask for him to maybe show me some relationship affection, a kiss or hug would be nice once in a while but he never goes out of his way to do this. He tells me I am a baby, that I need his confirmation, that I am whining, that I should shut up, I am a bitch. After hearing this sad response I will more often than not begin telling him I am simply saying how I feel and wish he could consider it, he will repeat his insults, I will most likely begin crying at this point as I feel hopeless. Most recently in this situation he threw a bag of food at my face when I began crying and told me to look at myself. Later that night I was sitting on our stairs trying to, once again, calmly explain that I am trying to help him make the best of his situation (he was recently fired and broke) and he is taking and taking but not giving anything in the relationship and his negative comments were a bit over the top. From the level above he dropped pieces of lunchmeat on my head when I was talking to him seriously. He laughed and walked away.

If I have been having a difficult semester or a hard day and would just like to relax, there is no understanding or ability to show that he cares.

 

He doesn't make anyone else a priority. If I have planned a dinner for the day he will ask me the time and confirm he will come then (he currently doesn't have a job or any preoccupations other than friends), I will make dinner by that time. He will not show up, I will be left with a three course meal to eat alone. When I call him and ask him why he made plans just to not show up he will never apologize (I don't get angry or yell at him, just simply ask why he didn't show up)

The blame is reverted to me, I should have reminded him, he was caught up with his friends and I was rude to call him while he was with his friends. I am always "crazy" or I picked a time that was too early to eat (even though he agreed to it earlier). When I say it would be nice if he showed that he was at least sorry for standing me up (at our own house), he will say that he would be lying because he is never sorry for anything that he does. Never. I just feel like a simply "oh, sorry hun I got caught up here I will come home right away" is not that much to ask.

 

When his friends come over I am always his punch line. If I am in the room I am his topic of mockery for the majority of the night "look at her face, what's wrong with her face" "she is so useless she doesn't even know how to put a can in the recycling", just little things that have nothing to do with the conversation that he thinks others will find funny, but our mutual friends find his excessive mean mockery of me exhausting and aggravating. If I ask him to stop, simply by saying "stop" in a normal voice he will say "Calm down, child, don't cry" "Oh it's just her, she doesn't know how to take a joke". None of it is joking, it's him making little things I do that bug him into comedic stabs and everyone's tired of it.

 

He is also excessively pre-occupied with cleaning everything to a tee. Ever since he has been out of work and at home (I also pay the rent and make and buy all our meals, my bad I know but as I said I am maternal and like caring for others), if I do not do the dishes after I make a meal and have to run to work, he tells me that the meal was ruined because I didn't do the dishes after. If I spill a grain of rice on the counter he will come to the other level of our apartment where I am working on a study guide or paper, interrupt me just to tell me that I spilled a grain of rice and a piece of a broccoli floret and that I am a "****ing slob". Really? When I speak about big problems in our relationship like him putting me down and being verbally abusive, he often says it is my fault because if I didn't spill little pieces of food onto the cupboard ledge underneath the counter then he would have no reason to think I am an idiot. He reverts blame back to me using whatever excuse he can. I will admit that I am not a neat freak, but I am also not a slob either I just don't feel like not doing the dishes because I have to run to work is that terrible of me... I may leave a glass on a table for a day but I always clean it up in the end. I admitted that I can work on this but only if he works on the way he treats me. I feel like it will never change. Once I was eating a burger in the car and dropped a shred of lettuce on my leg, I was finishing my bite and he pointed it out, he tapped me upside the chin, called me a slob, I said that's a little far and that it's just lettuce and I can pick it off. He went on to go about how I am such a slob, I asked him to just think if this is an issue we need to start fighting over and I was sorry I dropped the shred of lettuce? He continued to yell, I got out of the car (we were parked) as I went to grab my bag he threw the fast food bag into my face. His friend was in the back seat the whole time and watched it all. His friend admitted that he saw a side of him that he had never send before, yet I see this side all the time.

 

I know that those who were able to read this novel probably will simply respond and say "why are you with this person, easy answer", but he does enjoy a lot of things that I enjoy like hiking, camping and we have had our good times, but he will love me one day and need me and then treat me in all of the above ways the next. He truly seems caring when I am around him and we have really great days that blind me from all that he has done. He is in debt and often talks about how his friends who are the same age have families and houses and he has nothing, maybe he is insecure? I just need some perspective. I know it is all wrong, but does one ever grow out of this?

Edited February 24, 2014 by hauchosa
a warning

[Lernaean_Hydra]

The problem is, you're looking for some sort of disordered diagnosis when there really isn't one, or rather not one in particular as there are likely several. Is he a narcissist? Maybe. Does he have NPD? No, not in my pinion. He sounds like he's just 10% certified crazy. I mean, from your description he sounds like he could be anything from bipolar and/or narcissistic to someone sitting firmly on the autism spectrum. And yes, he does sound mature but his issues seem to go far beyond that sort of folly.

 

You call yourself "maternal" and excuse the lengths you've gone to to support him financial as merely you liking to "take care of others" when in reality, you appear to be simply a doormat.

 

" He truly seems caring when I am around him and we have really great days that blind me from all that he has done."

 

When? At the times when he's not calling you names and being verbally abusive or controlling?

 

I have BEEN with some...well..tremendously damaged (to say the least) people like this and yeah, when they weren't being general asshats and horrible human beings we had a lot in common and had some laughs and a good time etc, however I (for the most part) soon realized that the good DID NOT outweigh the bad. It just wasn't worth it.

 

 

There are things about his personality that apparently bother you (and rightly so) but, well, to be frank, I'm of the opinion that "he is who he is" and thus I can offer you no quick fix to change his behavior.

 

He is very clearly emotionally abusive to be sure and he has also physically abused you in the past (by your own addition) so I have to beg the question you yourself knew was coming: why are you still with him?

[Radu]

This is long, I know. It also deals with some abuse... as a warning

 

I know that a lot of people come on here to help them define what their ex "is" in terms of personality disorders and I may be doing this. I may need help to be shown that this is not okay or I feel like simply explaining my situation for support may be helpful at this time. Either way thank you for reading.

What you seek is to find out if the reality of your relationship is abnormal or not, because it doesn't seem right.

 

I have been with this person for 2 and a half years. Our relationship progressed quickly as I met him approximately a month after I had left my last significant other and we decided to live together after 8 months. I must say I am generally quiet, but not shy, I worked in early childhood education so I have a very maternal nature and enjoy having conflict dealt with fairly and respectfully. In short, I like to be peaceful and I am able to admit when I have done something wrong and apologize. I can admit I make mistakes in relationships and I truly want to work with others to make things better in a productive way (believe me if you want, I know these are just forums). I try to see the best in people.

 

My significant other is 8 years my senior-not that it matters but to some it does.

When we met he was charming, calm, cool, respectful, acted like he cared about me and seemed like he listened. He has never been to university or had a career, I am completing my degree and often he mocks me for claiming "that I know everything" when I am simply talking about a some thing that I care about, or if he says that the sky is blue because of the ocean, I will say "well, actually..." and correct him nicely because, well the sky is blue because of raleigh scattering... In the beginning he spent time with me willingly and whole heartedly. However as things progressed and we lived together I noticed some things changing or perhaps just coming out of the woodwork.

He feels insecure because of your education and prospects.

To some degree he feels that you probably have better options in life, in terms of employment, that's why he puts you down.

He could try to improve himself, but it's much easier to tear you down to a level beneath his.

 

He lied about some things he was interested in simply to connect our interests in the beginning of the relationship.

If he did this, it was not done conscious, that means that for him it's based on instinct.

He's a natural at getting ppl to like him.

This is called 'mirroring', showing back to the other person things that are similar to what they show, in order to create closeness.

It can be learned, and it helps alot in any kind of work that deals with convincing ppl.

 

Like i said, he sounds like a natural [which can be bad for you because it can be used for good and bad].

 

He told me that he "wanted me to experience what a good man was" and that he wasn't seeing anyone else. I later discovered that it was a lie, he had been seeing many other girls in the same way he was seeing me however I found out from his friends that he found me the most attractive at the time (which may be why he agreed to settle) He still pursues the girls he was having "sleepovers" with in the early stages of our relationship however he says that they are "just friends" I have explained to him that sleeping in the same bed as another woman and lying about it while you are committed to someone else is not friendship behaviour neither is saying you are out with your guy friends and not coming home till 4 am and I find out you are out with her ( a year into our relationship) -he counters my statement and says that I am crazy and overreacting and a bitch. I have asked him to discontinue his contact with these women out of respect to me because it's become inappropriate, however recently I have been told he has been sending her suggestive messages etc.. He will not stop. I feel like he feeds off flirting with other women/having side pursuits that simply are not appropriate.

You are probably right, it could give him a high, it could enhance his self-esteem.

I think self-esteem is key in your case, i'll get into why as i reply.

 

He will talk poorly about people he knows to me, when he brings them up in conversation at another date I will ask "isn't that the guy who did that and this to you and made you upset?" he will say that I am making it up and that I am crazy... our friends have watched this happen before as well.

 

He enjoys arguing for the sake of arguing, he will push people and intentionally say things that he knows will hurt them just to prove a point. In some cases when I watch him I feel as if this point he stands behind doesn't even hold strong in his mind but because he has chosen to counter someone to seem like an extremists and garner attention.

Arguing in his case is not about establishing weather A is better than B or viceversa, but to win arguments [with you].

It's about establishing control, and ppl who love to have control and crave it something fierce, tend to have problems with their self image.

 

He loves attention. He always seems like the "funny" and outgoing nice guy.

So that's the image he projects to others, while you see the real him.

 

He is addicted to video games, if he doesn't have one going at any one time he must start another. (ex: if a console breaks he gets anxious, purchases one for PC and becomes consumed in it for days) He does not stop for anything if he is playing. I make him dinner, he eats it while he plays (trust me I am not approving of this and ask him for some time together and respect since I just made us food it would be nice to eat it together)-he will tell me I am a bitch for expecting he stop and it was my choice to make dinner, he never said he would stop playing for me... There's always a loophole out of him being in the wrong.

Addiction means poor impulse control.

A videogame addiction [and i'm telling you as one who also got consumed by a MMO], is about fantasy, about forgetting your real world.

And in your own words he cannot accept that he may be at fault, which means that his ego is precious [the way he views himself has to be always well].

 

He is a mean drunk. He will make a negative joke towards me while drunk and look at me and others for a reaction, I will say "haha" blandly, unapproving and without emotion because it was insulting and because this probably was not the response he was looking for he will stare into my eyes and say something along the lines of "You are so ****ing lame, do you know that?" I will get up to do some thing else and he will stop me and repeat himself until I say I have heard him.

Alcohol removes inhibitions, you see the very real him with filters down when he gets drunk.

What he tells you is what he believes of you, and he loves to lower you beneath his level.

 

He calls all my friends "whores". My friends are respectful girls who are kind and fun to be with, we may go to pubs from time to time but this has all stopped since being with him. I have never been one to go to clubs or cheat on anyone so I don't know where he gets this from but every single friend I have ever had he calls a whore. If I tell him I have plans he asks "which one of your whore friends are you going to be with tonight?", if I ever do follow through with any plans he will nag at me for weeks about the time I spent away from him. I once went out with friends and came back home (at 10pm, only gone for 3 hours to help a friend move, I have never cheated or given him any reason to think I have), I layed in our spare bed and tried to sleep as I had class early that morning. He came in the room and called me a whore over and over and over in my face and I asked him to stop and to leave the room. That it was my right to be in my home without his verbally abusing me and to be able to sleep in time for university. He said no, that this place was his before it was mine and that the sheets I was laying on were his (we pay equal rent) so he could say it for as long as he wanted. I kept asking and finally got up and crossed my arms and tried to walk him out of the room, he deadlocked his arms in the door and I tried to get him out of the door as he kept yelling it at me (by trying to shut the door) . He threw me on the ground and choked me and still says that it was my fault I tried to get him out of the room. He was drunk.

He is trying to remove your friends from your life, to control you.

Ppl who try to control to this extent have self-esteem issues.

I bet that the frequency of the put downs has increased since he lost his job. It's because his status was lowered while yours has remained steady or increased a bit.

So he has to work even more at lowering you.

 

Oh, and btw ... that is physical abuse [and the rest is just plain emotional].

 

I will sit calmly at our kitchen table, tell him that I have been thinking about a few things. He will say "oh no" I will try to say how I feel like, that I perceive our relationship to not be balanced (I am affectionate, give him back rubs, ask him how his day was, make him dinner, do the little things, whereas he almost never does any of these, aside from the occasional slap on the ass when he walks by that I have asked him to stop, we have sex maybe once a month at most and he spends the rest of the time watching porn when I leave to work and gaming when I am there) I just ask for him to maybe show me some relationship affection, a kiss or hug would be nice once in a while but he never goes out of his way to do this. He tells me I am a baby, that I need his confirmation, that I am whining, that I should shut up, I am a bitch. After hearing this sad response I will more often than not begin telling him I am simply saying how I feel and wish he could consider it, he will repeat his insults, I will most likely begin crying at this point as I feel hopeless. Most recently in this situation he threw a bag of food at my face when I began crying and told me to look at myself. Later that night I was sitting on our stairs trying to, once again, calmly explain that I am trying to help him make the best of his situation (he was recently fired and broke) and he is taking and taking but not giving anything in the relationship and his negative comments were a bit over the top. From the level above he dropped pieces of lunchmeat on my head when I was talking to him seriously. He laughed and walked away.

If I have been having a difficult semester or a hard day and would just like to relax, there is no understanding or ability to show that he cares.

All of these are putdowns, to lower you beneath him.

 

 

He doesn't make anyone else a priority. If I have planned a dinner for the day he will ask me the time and confirm he will come then (he currently doesn't have a job or any preoccupations other than friends), I will make dinner by that time. He will not show up, I will be left with a three course meal to eat alone. When I call him and ask him why he made plans just to not show up he will never apologize (I don't get angry or yell at him, just simply ask why he didn't show up)

The blame is reverted to me, I should have reminded him, he was caught up with his friends and I was rude to call him while he was with his friends. I am always "crazy" or I picked a time that was too early to eat (even though he agreed to it earlier). When I say it would be nice if he showed that he was at least sorry for standing me up (at our own house), he will say that he would be lying because he is never sorry for anything that he does. Never. I just feel like a simply "oh, sorry hun I got caught up here I will come home right away" is not that much to ask.

Do you understand how wrong this is ?

That's almost antisocial.

 

When his friends come over I am always his punch line. If I am in the room I am his topic of mockery for the majority of the night "look at her face, what's wrong with her face" "she is so useless she doesn't even know how to put a can in the recycling", just little things that have nothing to do with the conversation that he thinks others will find funny, but our mutual friends find his excessive mean mockery of me exhausting and aggravating. If I ask him to stop, simply by saying "stop" in a normal voice he will say "Calm down, child, don't cry" "Oh it's just her, she doesn't know how to take a joke". None of it is joking, it's him making little things I do that bug him into comedic stabs and everyone's tired of it.

The ideal for him would be if the friends would join him in the ridicule, approving of it.

It's all designed to lower your status and increase his status.

 

He is also excessively pre-occupied with cleaning everything to a tee. Ever since he has been out of work and at home (I also pay the rent and make and buy all our meals, my bad I know but as I said I am maternal and like caring for others), if I do not do the dishes after I make a meal and have to run to work, he tells me that the meal was ruined because I didn't do the dishes after. If I spill a grain of rice on the counter he will come to the other level of our apartment where I am working on a study guide or paper, interrupt me just to tell me that I spilled a grain of rice and a piece of a broccoli floret and that I am a "****ing slob". Really? When I speak about big problems in our relationship like him putting me down and being verbally abusive, he often says it is my fault because if I didn't spill little pieces of food onto the cupboard ledge underneath the counter then he would have no reason to think I am an idiot. He reverts blame back to me using whatever excuse he can. I will admit that I am not a neat freak, but I am also not a slob either I just don't feel like not doing the dishes because I have to run to work is that terrible of me... I may leave a glass on a table for a day but I always clean it up in the end. I admitted that I can work on this but only if he works on the way he treats me. I feel like it will never change. Once I was eating a burger in the car and dropped a shred of lettuce on my leg, I was finishing my bite and he pointed it out, he tapped me upside the chin, called me a slob, I said that's a little far and that it's just lettuce and I can pick it off. He went on to go about how I am such a slob, I asked him to just think if this is an issue we need to start fighting over and I was sorry I dropped the shred of lettuce? He continued to yell, I got out of the car (we were parked) as I went to grab my bag he threw the fast food bag into my face. His friend was in the back seat the whole time and watched it all. His friend admitted that he saw a side of him that he had never send before, yet I see this side all the time.

Remember what i said about the situation changing from when he started being home.

 

I know that those who were able to read this novel probably will simply respond and say "why are you with this person, easy answer", but he does enjoy a lot of things that I enjoy like hiking, camping and we have had our good times, but he will love me one day and need me and then treat me in all of the above ways the next. He truly seems caring when I am around him and we have really great days that blind me from all that he has done. He is in debt and often talks about how his friends who are the same age have families and houses and he has nothing, maybe he is insecure? I just need some perspective. I know it is all wrong, but does one ever grow out of this?

 

Do you know why i read your entire thread and posted with quotes, addressing every part of it ?

Because you are apologetic [and not out of courtesy], towards bothering the ppl who might open this thread.

It's good to be a little apologetic, as you show that you can empathise with others and are aware of their efforts, but in your case, after reading this entire novel ... it's overboard.

 

He is an abuser, and he could probably have a PD or a mix of them.

You are not maternal, you are an enabler, you allow him to do these things.

 

There is no way for him to change, you will need to leave and figure out what being in a normal relationship should be like.

He will not improve, he will only get worse as you both age, and as the gap between your social situation and his increase.

The more you advance in career, the more you grow as a person, the more he will need to do this.

 

The reason you made this thread is because he is trying to put his reality as the reality of the couple [the way you view things].

And you know his reality is wrong, which means conflict between your way of viewing things and his.

This is why he loves to argue, to put you down, he wants to make sure that you buy into this way of doing things that is his own.

This very thread is a challenge to his authority, and quite frankly proof that you still have a shot at normal life.

 

Do not walk away, run away.

When he's not at home, pack your bags, get your pets, and leave.

If he tries to get back with you [and he will], he will attempt 2 different approaches :

- anger, threats, etc ... the same bull**** you deal with now

- sweet talk, promising you whatever you want to hear [he will try this when he realizes the old approach doesn't work]

Do not listen to it and go into full NC mode.

 

PS: I assume you are from the US, where are his ppl [his parents] from ?

What are the roots ?

[hauchosa]

In my defense I may have been maternal and caring before I met him but these traits are the perfect petri dish for him to dig into making me into a doormat. It's been really scary watching myself feel and believe that this is "ok" (I almost have been ignoring the thing inside me that throws a red flag). I know I am overly apologetic. I have noticed all these things. Perhaps this is why I am voicing it anonymously for the first time? (I have talked to a mutual friend about it throughout our relationship, though)

 

I am actually from Canada. He is from a middle class family. His parents seem nice and supportive from what I have seen. However, he is not open about himself. It takes a lot for him to open up and to speak about his life or feelings (surprise?) So I do not really know if there was anything in his roots. I have often wondered this.

 

I do believe that it does have a lot to do with self esteem and I have only been paying the rent and food for a month since he has been back. Now since I have told him that I don't think this relationship is healthy (obvious) and he will not be allowed to stay here if he talks to me the way he does we have separated rooms. It's a step for me. I know it is not enough though. When I am doing something like making food or reading he will sstand silently like a puppy dog and not say anything, or smile at me and stare at me or follow me and just watch me. It's something he has always done when I am upset to seemingly get a rise out of me. So I have given him a handful of days to figure his **** out. My name is on the lease, the utilities bill and I am mid semester so it is not that easy to simply leave in the middle of the night.

 

Thanks for your reply.

[Radu]

The reason i'm asking where he is from, is because some of the stuff he did kinda reminds me of some men i know here.

The west is more advanced when it comes to women's rights then the east, especially places in Eastern Europe [where i'm from and where i live].

 

The belitteling is eerily similar, the alcohol abuse, the insecurity stemming from having a wife that achieved more than they did ... even the manipulative behaviour is somewhat similar.

I was going off on the idea that maybe his family comes from such a place and he adheres to these values.

 

But if it is not so, then maybe it's someone who has issues with his self-worth, and all these developed as a reaction to that.

 

Either way you need to understand you cannot change this.

The progression in this kind of situation is on levels, once you get accustomed to his current level of abuse, he will amp the intensity until he can finally be 'free'.

In a way he is prepping the soil for his dysfunction.

Again, you will not change this.

[travelbug1996]

He continues to show you how he feels about you. Who cares why he does the things he does. I'd like to know what is it about you that you allow someone to treat you in such a manner?? YOu keep telling him how you want to be treated and he shows you something totally different

 

Do you feel you deserve this treatment deep down??

 

Where is your self worth??

 

I would suggest to leave this situation immediately and start counseling. You jumped into this too fast after the last one.

 

Was the last one abusive as well??

[Taramere]

I know that those who were able to read this novel probably will simply respond and say "why are you with this person, easy answer", but he does enjoy a lot of things that I enjoy like hiking, camping and we have had our good times, but he will love me one day and need me and then treat me in all of the above ways the next. He truly seems caring when I am around him and we have really great days that blind me from all that he has done. He is in debt and often talks about how his friends who are the same age have families and houses and he has nothing, maybe he is insecure? I just need some perspective. I know it is all wrong, but does one ever grow out of this?

 

I don't know that you just grow out of whatever it is that keeps you in a relationship like this. I hear what you say about having things in common and having some good times, but from what you describe of the more abusive behaviour...it sounds pretty calculated on his part. And from your observations, I think you see it that way too.

 

In your first couple of paragraphs, I saw a lot of myself. Particularly the part about trying to resolve conflict fairly and respectfully. It's very easy to start taking on a lot of responsibility for resolving conflicts in that way - even when you're having a conflict with somebody who's unreasonable/borderline abusive. In fact especially then because you can end up thinking "well, they're like a child. They can't be calm and reasonable. I have to make allowances and try double to resolve things calmly and peacefully with them."

 

And it's not a good path to go down. Once you get embroiled in the habit of taking on too much responsibility for peaceful conflict resolution, you're going to attract people who regard it as a weakness. Who see you as a scapegoat (because accepting too much responsibility is often tied up with accepting unfairly attributed blame).

 

Maybe a small part of you recognises that you need to add a few more tools to your box of conflict resolution. You can't always resolve conflict peacefully and harmoniously. You can't always resolve conflict full stop. There can come a point when trying to resolve it stops being a virtue and starts becoming a very draining exercise that isn't going to do you very much good - and could actually cause your psyche lasting damage.

 

If this guy ends up dumping you, I think it's going to have a major impact on you because of all the **** you've been putting up with from him. Even if you can magically discover some way of "managing" him so that he isn't abusive to you...the moment you're too weak and vulnerable to employ your usual coping mechanisms, he's going to fire in. Why continue to put yourself through that? You deserve a far more peaceful and enjoyable existence than that.

[Mondmellonw]

I don't know what he has, he must really have something or a mixture of disorders from the Cluster B. Anyways, he is bad news. GO AWAY!

[hauchosa]

He continues to show you how he feels about you. Who cares why he does the things he does. I'd like to know what is it about you that you allow someone to treat you in such a manner?? YOu keep telling him how you want to be treated and he shows you something totally different

 

Do you feel you deserve this treatment deep down??

 

Where is your self worth??

 

I would suggest to leave this situation immediately and start counseling. You jumped into this too fast after the last one.

 

Was the last one abusive as well??

 

No, my last boyfriend was anything but abusive-we separated because of career differences.

You believe that this situation constitutes counselling?

[xxmusical]

Please, please, please, I beg you, take the time to read this link:

Dating a Loser. You will be surprised to find how matching the points are...

 

I got the above link from my best friend. Your case is almost identical with her past relationship with an abusive ex that I almost thought I'm reading my friend's post.

 

This guy is degrading, manipulative, and emotionally and physically abusive. You need to learn to protect yourself!

Edited March 14, 2014 by xxmusical

[travelbug1996]

No, my last boyfriend was anything but abusive-we separated because of career differences.

You believe that this situation constitutes counselling?

 

 

I think that counseling could provide some insight into why you've allowed yourself to get attached to an abuser.

[melell]

This just looks to me like this guy has no respect for you, you have allowed it by staying with him, and this has become the norm.

 

This seems like one of those situations where one person no longer respects the other, the other bitches about it but never leaves, so the person continues to be disrespectful.

 

Why are you with this person when they clearly don't care about you?

I don't think his behavior sounds like a psychological problem- I think it sounds like two very unhappy people, and neither have the guts to leave.

[Radu]

OP, considering your situation, asking weather or not you should see a therapist is like a cancer patient asking weather or not they should see a doctor.

 

YES !!!