katie79 Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Since I hear of this all the time.... I was wondering, what is it like to live with someone (cohabiting or not). What is it like at first, what are the transitions, what do you learn about that person, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 No more 'girl time'. You know, that time that you need to do your nails, pedicures, take a dump, stare at your pores, face mask, long bath, etc. It's hard to do these things when someone else is there. AND THAT SUCKS!!! Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 I don't know. All the articles and statistics I've read on living together don't really recommend it to me, so I've never done it. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 I like having someone around the house who will take out the garbage, change lightbulbs, go flip the breaker switch if it gets overloaded, wash my dogs, do my yardwork, etc. All for the low low price of sex on demand, blowjobs, and the occassional bickering argument. But that said, I also usually insist that they have their own room in case we fight so I don't have to deal with their ass sleeping on the couch. Of course, this is coming from a woman who has kicked out the past 4 men who lived with her, so there you go. (This includes roommates I've had). But now that I live alone I really like it and don't know that I'll ever be able to go back to living with someone. People get on my nerves. Link to post Share on other sites
binturong Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 My DH and I lived together for 5 years before we got married. The first two years, I insisted on separate bedrooms. We slept in the same room most times, but when we had fights or anything, it was nice to have my own room. And if I wanted to do the girly stuff, I had my own space. The apartment we moved into had two master bedrooms, so I even had my own bathroom. When we moved into a house, I still had my own room. My hobbies required it. And it helps that our work schedules are different. I get home 2 hours before he does, so I still have my own time alone. Things you get to know about someone...how lazy he is (DH will put trash on the counter instead of opening the cabinet under the sink to throw it in the trash can), how long he takes to get ready in the morning (longer than me!), what he's like when he's not "on". Transitions...getting used to sharing your space, having to merge finances to a certain extent (new furniture, groceries, etc), learning to deal with someone full time instead of part time. I'm glad we lived together before we got married. It helped me understand what I was getting into. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katie79 Posted January 21, 2005 Author Share Posted January 21, 2005 thxs for the feedback guys! I've just been hearing a lot about it in general. Personally, I think it woud be nice at first, but what Tiki said is true. That part sux. I need my "space" in those areas def! LOL! More feedback is welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 I imagine it's different for everyone. Having lived with roomates before and having 3 siblings may have made it easier. Some things are great, always having someone to talk to and share ideas and the day with. Other things are a pain, sharing the load evenly and sometimes you just want the place to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 i liked it. yeah, there are times when you need you time...... lock the bathroom door. it is important that you establish house rules....like responsibilities and who will do what. how things will be paid, etc..... it is nice cause you see how another human lives, which i think is interesting, you learn many things about yourself and your partner....good and bad. so i would take everything as a learning experience. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 I think that it may be nteresting to look at other people's experiences. But if you really want to know think about this: if you really love him, if he's that important to you, if you are both alike - at least the same music and hobbies if not more, you should start considering it (trust me, compatibility in other places than bed are sooo significant). For me it was great and awful in the same time. I think we had some things that were indeed nice, but it's the lack of privacy that's driving me crazy. I mean NOT EVER will you have a free moment, unless he's out taking the garbage. It is much bigger deal than you think. I don't mean "girl time", I mean time for yourself, for your little soul. He has to think about you, be compasionate, respect your moods, give you space... and to be honest, I met no man to do any of those things. If you're doing it because you're thinking about marrying the guy one day, do it. If not, there's no point in moving in. No point whatsoever. Only wasted time. Goo luck, whatever you decide, Curly Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam If you're doing it because you're thinking about marrying the guy one day, do it. If not, there's no point in moving in. No point whatsoever. Only wasted time. Goo luck, whatever you decide, Curly Au contraire. I say only live with someone if you only expect to do that. Statistics suggest that your marriage is much more likely to fail if you live with the person beforehand. http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/SWLT2%20TEXT.htm I also know some couples who live together that the woman wants to get married and the man says, "Why bother? It's like we're married already!" If you decide to live with a guy, go into it expecting only what you are getting: that the two of you will be living together. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? I wouldn't recommend it. It's sacred. Spending the night here and there - maybe. But if you're ready for a commitment that big, there's a term for it. It's called marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Originally posted by tiki But if you're ready for a commitment that big, there's a term for it. It's called marriage. Whether one views it as sacred or not has more to do with one's personal set of beliefs, but you may have struck a chord with the commitment part of your statement, Tiki. The research from Rutgers says that the way couples who live together view commitment could be responsible for the strong correlation between cohabitation and divorce: "One may be that while marriages are held together largely by a strong ethic of commitment, cohabiting relationships by their very nature tend to undercut this ethic. Although cohabiting relationships are like marriages in many ways—shared dwelling, economic union (at least in part), sexual intimacy, often even children—they typically differ in the levels of commitment and autonomy involved. According to recent studies, cohabitants tend not to be as committed as married couples in their dedication to the continuation of the relationship and reluctance to terminate it, and they are more oriented toward their own personal autonomy.7 It is reasonable to speculate, based on these studies, that once this low-commitment, high-autonomy pattern of relating is learned, it becomes hard to unlearn. One study found, for example, that "living with a romantic partner prior to marriage was associated with more negative and less positive problem solving support and behavior during marriage." A reason for this, the authors suggest, is that because long-term commitment is less certain in cohabitation, "there may be less motivation for cohabiting partners to develop their conflict resolution and support skills."8 Unfortunately, living together simply doesn't test one of the keys elements of a successful marriage: commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Originally posted by rtobiejr Unfortunately, living together simply doesn't test one of the keys elements of a successful marriage: commitment. Are you speaking from experience? Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Originally posted by sumdude Are you speaking from experience? From personal experience, as in having lived with someone? No. Earlier on in the thread I wrote that I have never lived with a boyfriend because none of the statistics and information (or the experiences of people who are close to me!) seem to show that it actually helps when one is contemplating marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
imjustagirl Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 My boyfriend and I are planning on getting a place soon. Right now, we currently spend all of our time together. We both work 8 - 5. We wake up at the same time, I drive home - 2 blocks away, get ready for work. After work, it's straight to his place. Right now, my place is a 450 dollar a month bathroom. On the weekends, I'm not there at all. This isn't the only reason we're getting a place...it just seems like a natural progression. Granted, I have always wanted to be engaged before I moved in with someone...I have a fairly good feeling I will be engaged to the man I love within the next year or so (give or take a few mths). I did get a promise ring for xmas and we both want to be married within 3 years...with an agreement that theres an engagement a year prior to the wedding. So, a little math (which I'm not good at) would mean that within the next year or so. I'm okay with that....I'm also okay w/ the promise ring becoming the engagement ring...I love the ring...in fact, I wouldn't mind wearing it on my wedding day. So anywas, that's all I've got to say about that. Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Originally posted by imjustagirl My boyfriend and I are planning on getting a place soon. Right now, we currently spend all of our time together. We both work 8 - 5. We wake up at the same time, I drive home - 2 blocks away, get ready for work. After work, it's straight to his place. Right now, my place is a 450 dollar a month bathroom. On the weekends, I'm not there at all. This isn't the only reason we're getting a place...it just seems like a natural progression. Granted, I have always wanted to be engaged before I moved in with someone...I have a fairly good feeling I will be engaged to the man I love within the next year or so (give or take a few mths). I did get a promise ring for xmas and we both want to be married within 3 years...with an agreement that theres an engagement a year prior to the wedding. So, a little math (which I'm not good at) would mean that within the next year or so. I'm okay with that....I'm also okay w/ the promise ring becoming the engagement ring...I love the ring...in fact, I wouldn't mind wearing it on my wedding day. So anywas, that's all I've got to say about that. You sound as though you have a pretty good relationship. I hope cohabitation changes nothing Link to post Share on other sites
imjustagirl Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 I know it's not going to be peachy...everyday isn't going to be roses. But, it's like I said before, a natural progression. We've had our ups and downs, and those are definatly going to continue...as with any relationship. Plus, we've started this "rule" of sorts...even if your mad, angry..what have you...you must make a gesture towards the other person to let them know that they are still your light....he always grabs my hand and wraps his foot around mine in bed when he's been grumpy all day....and I do the same to him It's our little way of showing each other "yeah, we had a bad day, but I still love you, and we'll get through this." Link to post Share on other sites
binturong Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 Originally posted by rtobiejr Unfortunately, living together simply doesn't test one of the keys elements of a successful marriage: commitment. Really? Because in the 5 years we lived together before marriage, my DH and I had more than our fair share of fights and arguments. We worked through them and stayed committed to each other the entire time. I think that simply dating someone and seeing them a few times a week doesn't test commitment either, but people will go from that to marriage and say that it's okay. Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 Originally posted by binturong Really? Because in the 5 years we lived together before marriage, my DH and I had more than our fair share of fights and arguments. We worked through them and stayed committed to each other the entire time. I think that simply dating someone and seeing them a few times a week doesn't test commitment either, but people will go from that to marriage and say that it's okay. Rutgers study and research showed a definite correlation between divorce and cohabitation before marriage. Statistics don't lie. In trying to explain this correlation, they theorized that cohabitation doesn't exact the level of commitment that marriage does, (i.e. "If this doesn't work, I'll just move out") and that pattern of thinking carries over to marriage. Out of curiosity, how many years have you been married to your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
binturong Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 But statistics don't always tell the truth either. I'm wondering if it's just that more people who live together before marriage end up getting married, so they're a larger percentage of the married population to begin with. If that's the case, it could very well look like cohabitation before marriage is a bad thing, but if in comparison, you have the same percentage of couples divorcing who have and have not lived together, then the statistic of "more couples who cohabitate divorce" isn't really that significant. A 1992 study of 3,300 cases, for example, based on the 1987 National Survey of Families and Households, found that in their marriages prior cohabitors "are estimated to have a hazard of dissolution that is about 46% higher than for noncohabitors." But that doesn't tell you HOW they came up with that number. They don't break down the 3,300 cases they studied...how many cohabitated, how many didn't, etc. There are a ton of ways to play with statistics to get the results you want. I've only been married for a few months now, but there was never any time before the marriage that I just said "I don't care, I can just leave if I want." We got married because we realized that no matter how badly we fought and argued, we could always work through it and stick it out. Link to post Share on other sites
AliceW Posted January 22, 2005 Share Posted January 22, 2005 I've always suspected that reason couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce is this: people who believe in cohabitation before marriage are more socially liberal than those who don't, generally speaking, and they may be more likely to believe that it's OK to leave a bad marriage. People who don't believe in cohabitation before marriage are often religious, and I think people with strong religious beliefs are less likely to divorce. So, I think that the idea that living together somehow causes divorce is wrong. It would be more accurate to say that the type of mindset that causes a person to be willing to live with someone without marrying them might also cause them to decide to get divorced if their relationship stops working for them. This may make it sound as if I'm against cohabitation before marriage, but I'm not. I don't think that divorce is a bad thing in every case. If a relationship is making the people in it truly and utterly miserable, they should make every effort to work things through (especially if there are children involved), but if doesn't help they should break up. What good would staying together under those extreme circumstances do anyone, including the kids?? Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted January 23, 2005 Share Posted January 23, 2005 Originally posted by AliceW I've always suspected that reason couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce is this: people who believe in cohabitation before marriage are more socially liberal than those who don't, generally speaking, and they may be more likely to believe that it's OK to leave a bad marriage. People who don't believe in cohabitation before marriage are often religious, and I think people with strong religious beliefs are less likely to divorce. So, I think that the idea that living together somehow causes divorce is wrong. It would be more accurate to say that the type of mindset that causes a person to be willing to live with someone without marrying them might also cause them to decide to get divorced if their relationship stops working for them. I don't think the research in question indicates that there is a causal relationship here, only a correlation of some sort. Your hypothesis is interesting, although it does sound rather similar to their conjecture about what causes the correlation between cohabitation and divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 IT is interesting that most long term relationship - at least people around me in long term relationships - never did end up together or married, LOOL. They were together for either 4, 5 or 6 years. Since then, only two couples are together - 6 years together. None of them plans to get married yet. My point is: why on Earth move in with someone whom you don't see in your life on the long term, rtobiejr? From a man pov, I'm sure it's a great experience, but from a girl's.... Girls, feel free to flame me, but I think that after a while, we end up doing almost everything around. Sorry, I never saw a man cooking most of the time for a woman or doing most of the housework for her. So if you're still playing maid for a man (not to speak of "no party party", issues when spending time alone with your friends etc), at least he's the man who most desirves it. The love of your life, the future husband... I mean honestely... If I were to follow your pov, rtobiejr, we'd better not move in with the other person at all, until actually getting married. But you find out lots more about someone when living together. Habits, traits of chatacter, altruism... Sorry, IMHO, it is totally necessary to live with the future husband for a while before the marriage. Everyone can change ther mind. At least you get to kow the other person way better before "the ring". More than spending time together with a man, living with someone means giving up your free time. Making sacrifices. For whom? Why? And when the whole relationship is over (since he/she isn't long term material), moving out feels much more like a divorce than anything else. It is traumatic. Breaking routine, that's the highest challange. Living together with someone creates more ties than everything else. I'm against it, if I have the choice. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam My point is: why on Earth move in with someone whom you don't see in your life on the long term, rtobiejr? From a man pov, I'm sure it's a great experience, but from a girl's.... Girls, feel free to flame me, but I think that after a while, we end up doing almost everything around. Sorry, I never saw a man cooking most of the time for a woman or doing most of the housework for her. It happens, sure enough. Sometimes the man works,pays all the bills while girly sits around watching soaps and whining. There's all kinds in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Nope. those girls usually got the ring , LOOL!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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