Thoughts on Children and sitters.

[TheNewMe2014]

My ex and I fought a battle for a year with regard to have custody of my children. In the end, the judge split custody 50/50. In that year, I did not once use a babysitter and was always there for the kids no matter what they were doing (e.g. school event, etc.).

 

In that time my ex had me occasionally watch the kids before/after school and on one or two occasions used a sitter.

 

I did have a trip planned for a week, which I was nervous about taking - my attorney and everybody said 'go - you need to live your life and it will make you refreshed and a better dad when you return. When I asked her to watch the kids...she agreed and then asked if I could watch them for an upcoming weekend that was hers (so she could do travel). I agreed.

 

This trip means, after I got back from my vacation - I'd have the kids three weekends in a row. Which I don't mind and enjoy. However, I ended up meeting someone and we've started dating.

 

I've always fully expected that, if I date, it would be on days/weekends without the kids. However, just starting to date someone (and she has to go away for a week herself) - I was left basically not seeing her for three weeks or getting a sitter so we could go out.

 

I had a sitter for Friday. On Saturday, she asked if we could get together on Sunday with some friends. Knowing it would probably be the last time we'd see each other for two or maybe three weeks - I said 'yes'.

 

I told my ex about the sitter for friday (which was a sleepover for the kids at the grandparents). For Sunday, I told her I had some plans which she perceived as work plans (never said that..I just simply said I had a project with some friends). I didn't ask her to watch the kids - but we always inform each other if that's going to happen. She offered to watch them and since it was her day the next day, she kept them overnight.

 

She called me at one point and her noise in the background and went off via text later about how I'm 'ditching' the kids and she would NEVER make plans on kid weekends, etc.

 

I told her this wasn't a regular thing (and it won't be...I'd feel to guility with the kids and am not risking my time with them). She continued to insist I lied to her and I'm not putting kids first.

 

Ok so here's the kicker you weren't expecting: she's got a point and I understand it. Trust me, there was guilt in me going out last night. I can see how it may be perceived and my actually seem as ditching the kids. And her watching the kids while I was on a date (while she didn't know that), might not be right..but she has right to first refusal watching the kids.

 

My philosophy was - that because I took her weekend..I had three weekends i n a row..plenty of time with the kids (plus two weekdays). Not to mention, I would have had a free weekend if I didn't take hers to allow her to 'vacation' on her kid weekend. That, while you try to plan around kid weekends, sometimes things happen and you can't live your whole life stuck in only kid-free weekends (though you do your best to try and not make it a regular thing). Kids and i had a jammed packed weekend and this upcoming weekend I wasn't planning to leave them at all. To me, 2/3 evenings out of 26 (78 overnights) weekends isn't much..and it's only for the 2-3 hours before bed. Timing could have been better since I just came back from my trip. at the end of the day, I don't think it's a huge deal..maybe a little one. But she seems to think it is large (to the point, I'm very concerned that she may try to take us back to court...she listed the number of days this month the kids were with each of us).

 

The only other thing I'd add - is I told her last week that there would be another evening (birthday celebration for this woman I'm dating) I would need a sitter - this is in two weeks. I added at the time that after that, I don't see leaving the kids at all for a long-time.

 

Thoughts?

Edited February 24, 2014 by TheNewMe2014

[Radu]

You had a nasty divorce with her involving child custody.

 

It's only natural she will attempt in the future to use the kids against you.

I guess she must have found out about the date, or she is seeing you moving on ... which means her reaction is mostly to keep you under control.

Try to avoid setting up dates on week-ends with the kids, it will just give her ammo.

 

I hope you document your interest in the kids.

Take pictures when you have them over, talk to their teachers [know them too], document when she asks you to watch them because when she will drag you in court in the future [you can be on that].

 

Ask this question to your lawyer, or wait for someone on LS who is an attorney to answer.

[cozycottagelg]

The sitters you have used are grandparents and her... I don't see a problem. You sound like an attentive father, and the fact that you are asking this questions says to me that you care about your children.

 

If I were in her shoes and I had to share my children, I think I would welcome any instance I got them on a bonus day.

[TheNewMe2014]

Thanks Cozy - I like to think I am. I can't say that finding someone that I thoroughly enjoy spending time with (dating) - particularly one without kids..hasn't possibly shifted my focus with the kids.

 

I think it's more the fact that they were my my whole life and nothing else was and now I have met someone..I want to make sure there is time for me..as well as the kids.

 

Kids always come first..ALWAYS and I realize the newness of a relationship may result 'skewed' priorities that I need to be aware of. But, I think the kids are getting what they need. This weekend we got school projects done, play dates, dining out, walks and playgrounds. It's not like they were ignored.

 

What's a shame is the ex and i had a very very good relationship - but this set her off. She's planning on cancelling her weekend away now because of it (makes no sense to me). Which also means..I lose this weekend which, knowing I was going out last weekend..was fully being dedicated to the kids.

 

You know what..I forgot (sometimes it's easy to) - my post-divorce mantra of don't worry about things you can't change. So, going to try and let this go and continue to do what I think is right/best for the children and me.