Accepting your own worthlessness?

[Inflikted]

I've spent the vast majority of my 25 years of life pretty much alone. Never had friends, never dated... I used to have what I thought was a nice little family life, but it became abundantly clear to me long ago that my family doesn't care about me. The sad thing is, as a kid, the "perfect life" I saw for myself in the future was for me to have a strong connection with my family, a great group of friends, and an amazing lady to spend my life with.

 

And unfortunately, I've been unable to have any of those things. I absolutely hate being "alone" the way I am. Granted, I'm pretty introverted, so I do appreciate time to myself, but I basically feel completely isolated from anyone and everyone.

 

I always thought that, with "practice", my social skills would get better and I would naturally make friends, date, etc., just like everyone else does. But that never happened.

 

It's occurred to fairly recently, though, that it simply doesn't matter what I do or what I say; regardless of any of that, I'm just completely worthless to everyone. I have no value to anyone. What I feel, think, say, what I have to offer, none of it matters. Because I am worthless. That's why I've always been alone, that's why I'm currently alone, and sadly, that's why I'm going to grow old and die alone. That's why my family doesn't love me. That's why I can't have friends. That's why an awesome girl will never want to be with me. I have no value. I'm "unlovable". I'm useless. I'm worthless.

 

That said, that's a very painful realization to come to. I guess I'm just wondering how to cope with that better...?

[pteromom]

You aren't worthless. I know I have responded to several of your similar threads before, and I hate repeating myself.

 

Rather than accepting your own worthlessness, why not change something so that you feel that you have worth? If you feel undateable right now, forget dating. Find worth in another way. Volunteer at a children's hospital or animal shelter or soup kitchen. Find a way to make a difference in the world.

 

If your family doesn't love you, that is a deficiency in them, not you.

[SadNLonley]

I thought/think I am worthless as well, this came about when I lost my best friend/lover. I just felt so low and worthless about myself.

 

After reading many posts I have realized that we make our own destiny. If we choose to believe we are worthless and do nothing about it, nothing changes.

 

I decided I do not want to feel worthless anymore. I am reading up on as many online items that I can to help me feel better about myself. ONe thing I have started to do is listen to positive affirmations from YouTube. They say that once your brain starts hearing the same things over and over that it automatically starts believing. They used the analogy of math. We all know 2+2=4. Why is that? Its because as kids our teachers drilled it into our brains. Now we just know the answer because it is embedded. Thats what these affirmations do as well (supposedly). I am a work in progress, but everyday if not twice a day I listen to some.

 

The internet is a wonderful place to help and get information if you are looking for it. Its not good to try to not help yourself. Do you really want to live the rest of your life feeling like this? Once you start feeling better about yourself I bet others will see the change and you may start to see that they never thought you were worthless.

 

Good luck

[Inflikted]

See, I'm not looking for external sources to "validate" myself or anything like that. Aside from my loneliness, I'm really not dissatisfied with my life as it is. I'm far from perfect, but I like me for me, and I don't see why others can't like me for me, that's what really makes me feel bad.

 

I realize that my social skills have always been pretty crummy, and I realize that I'm generally an introverted "homebody", but I'm not a completely isolated hermit, I'm not a bad person, I TRY to connect with the people I come into contact with throughout my life.

 

I don't feel as though people dislike me, or mistreat me, or even necessarily see me in a negative light. I simply feel like everyone is totally indifferent to me. No matter what I say, or what I do, or how I act, or how I present myself, no one cares, no one has any interest in me, no one feels anything for me.

 

Yeah, I can try to distract myself with new hobbies or activities and hope that something eventually changes over time, but I've been trying to "distract myself" from this issue for pretty much my whole life, and I'm still dealing with it. If it hasn't changed or gotten better or worked itself out now, why should I think it might any time soon, if at all?

 

As far as volunteering goes, I'm of the belief that your heart should really be in it when you volunteer, and honestly, I just don't feel I could put my heart into it. And I don't want to do volunteer work if my heart isn't in it.

 

The bottom line is, I've met and known enough people over the last several years out in the "real world", that I should definitely have some kind of social circle by now. So many past coworkers, classmates, etc. over the years, and yet, not a single friend, not a single relationship. I've tried connecting with people and forming bonds, developing friendships, and whatnot, and yet, after all these years, after meeting all these people, the only conclusion I can come to is that I'm simply not someone anyone cares about, let alone "loves".

[FitChick]

I sent you a PM.

[giac]

I'm 32 and in the same place as you.

 

 

I would love to know how being loved feels.

 

 

I worry that eventually I will become suicidal.

[Lord of the Flies]

I use to think like that too and I still have good days and bad days where it does come up when I just feel down about myself, feel worthless. I use to get caught up in bad friendships/relationships, did stuff to get others to like me to just not be alone and still wind up being alone in the end and put me in situations that I never would have found myself in. What I learned though is that no matter what is going on or what happened in my relationships, there is truly value within myself. I just found ways to sort of develop my passions and travel to explore new places. It's helped me a lot and has really sort of helped me in dealing with the feelings that you are experiencing right now.

 

My advice to you would be to just find out what makes you happy, what brings meaning to your life and you will be surprised in what you find out. I am sending out hugs your way and if you feel like talking or just want to say hello, you can definitely do so as I know what you are experiencing first hand.

[carhill]

It's OK to be insignificant. Invisible. Cellophane. Of course, one can never know for sure what is in other's minds so such adjectives are more a self-portrait than anything substantive. If one likes what one sees, such invisibility can be healthy, even beneficial.

 

25 is a bit young to be throwing in the towel, dontcha think? Presuming you're age 25, you haven't been alone that long, probably just a few years. Sounds like you had some sort of revelation about your family's actual 'care'; yep, things go that way sometimes.

 

Where you go from here is up to you. Any choice is valid. Having so many choices certainly must have some value, yes?

[pteromom]

I don't feel as though people dislike me, or mistreat me, or even necessarily see me in a negative light. I simply feel like everyone is totally indifferent to me. No matter what I say, or what I do, or how I act, or how I present myself, no one cares, no one has any interest in me, no one feels anything for me.

 

This is how most people are about most people.

 

I'm glad you like yourself. The only way you are going to find others that you connect with is to really put yourself out there. You have to be willing to filter through a large quantity of people to find the ones who get you and who you get.

 

But you can't do that if you are feeling worthless. Because that is just going to turn people away. You have to find your worth FIRST, then look for someone to share it with.

 

But you aren't worthless.

[Inflikted]

This is how most people are about most people.

 

Is it, though? I mean, most people are able to build social lives, and have love lives, without it being as difficult as it is for me. I don't know anyone, personally, that's as bad off, socially, as I am. Pretty much everyone I know has had "social lives" at least for as long as I've known them, likely much longer. I'm not saying there's not SOME challenge there, but for the average person, it's not THAT difficult; for me, it's nigh impossible to connect with anyone.

 

But you can't do that if you are feeling worthless. Because that is just going to turn people away. You have to find your worth FIRST, then look for someone to share it with.

 

But you aren't worthless.

 

I don't really know what that means, nor do I understand how to "find my worth". Like I said, I don't think I'm a bad person with nothing to offer, but it just feels like no one cares what I have to offer.

 

Perhaps "worthless" isn't quite the right word, but I don't really know what other way to say it. Maybe "unlovable"? I dunno.

[Silver93]

I'm 32 and in the same place as you.

 

 

I would love to know how being loved feels.

 

 

I worry that eventually I will become suicidal.

Never give up, you just have to keep putting yourself out there. I wish you all the success in the future. Stay positive.

[Exit]

OP I'm dealing with much of the same things. I probably can't provide anything that'll make you feel better because frankly most of what you've written sounds like it could have been authored by me. It's the exact same type of stuff that goes through my mind. I'm just a year older than you as well.

 

Like you described, it's not necessarily a low opinion of yourself, it's seemingly having no value to others. A while back I came up with a way to describe it; it's like having a wallet full of Monopoly money. It doesn't matter what value is written on it or what it means to you, you can't take it to the store and buy anything with it because it has no value to anyone else. That's how I feel. I don't think I'm a bad person, simply that whatever value I may have is not valuable to anyone else. Human Monopoly money.

 

Also like you I don't necessarily feel attacked or hated by anyone, just invisible. Out of the hundreds of people I've met in my years of schools, jobs, etc, I have yet to stick permanently in anyone's social circle. Nobody stays in touch or apparently notices that I am missing.

 

With that being said, it's a tricky problem to pin down. People will often suggest that it needs to be addressed as some sort of self esteem problem but again, the problem doesn't lie with our opinions of ourselves but our apparent worthlessness to others. The low self esteem ends up as a symptom of the lack of acceptance and love, not the cause. It's not low self esteem that led to having no social life. People seem to always assume that the reverse is true.

 

And it's hard not to let it get to you. Of course we live in a society that tells us we shouldn't let what people think matters. I think that's fair, to a certain extent. Don't let other people's opinions affect the way you dress or the things you're interested in. But when it comes to seeming like you have no value to anybody, it would almost take a sociopathic mental disorder to continue going on feeling like a million bucks and taking no notice of the fact that nobody wants you around. It's normal and healthy to take cues from the people around you, and living lives like what we seem to be describing here doesn't leave a lot of room for still feeling like you are a valued human being. If you experienced 20 years of everyone telling you the sky is green, you'd start to wonder if maybe it's really not blue. 20+ years of friendships never sticking, no solid circle of friends, birthdays and holidays alone, you start to wonder why you have no value to others. You can make the herculean mental effort to keep telling yourself "it's not me, it's them, I'm a good person, people just aren't seeing it for some reason". But eventually supporting that belief becomes exhausting and you start to accept the fact that people just don't want you.

 

There aren't many places to find comfort. I find myself gravitating towards things like Buddhism or near-nihilism, belief systems that talk about how none of us are really anything, your thoughts cause your suffering, etc. I'm not sure what I really believe at this point, it's likely that I am just using these kinds of ideas as defense mechanisms. If I can get myself thinking that all life is pointless, then I suppose not having any friends doesn't matter.

 

People will also often make the accusation that it must be that we aren't trying. "Fine, people don't talk to you, but do you ever reach out to them?". I don't know about you OP, but I do try. Just recently a friend of mine (I say that loosely - yet another person who I hadn't heard from for a while) moved to another state. Rather than letting them leave while I sat here telling myself that they must not care about me, I did make the effort to get in touch, even went so far as to bring them a couple of parting gifts before they left town (a book about where they were moving to, some pictures of stuff we had done together in the past), and really tried to impress upon them my desire to stay in touch, even going so far as to tell them that if it ended up working out where they were going, some day I might like to move down there too and get a fresh start. Literally the last thing I said to this person as I drove away was "stay in touch!" which was met with a cheery "will do". That was 3 months ago and I never heard from them again. Yeah yeah, it's easy to immediately suggest things like "they moved, of course they've just been busy". Eventually you can't convince yourself of that anymore. In this world of cell phones and internet, if people wanted to be in touch with you, they would. Had I sat here and let that friend leave town without ever saying anything to them, it would be fair to say that I had a self defeatist attitude and that I can't just sit around always hoping people will talk to me first. But that's not the case. I did try. And sure, I can try to be realistic about it and think that maybe that person is the jerk and not me. But it's not that simple, at least not in my mind. It's about why that person has chosen not to say a word to me since. It has to be something about me and my lack of value again. I'm not gonna sit here and believe that they haven't talked to anyone in 3 months since leaving. I'm sure everyone else still hears from them. But me? No.

 

Sorry for rambling, not trying to make this about me, just trying to show how I'm experiencing the same things.

 

I wish I knew how to help you OP because that would mean I'd have some answers for myself as well. Like you I'm an introvert so some days my situation doesn't bother me much at all, other days it does push to the brink of wondering how much longer I can do this. Today I woke up and before my eyes even hit the clock to see what time it was I felt the ache in my chest that here we are, another Saturday, 26 years old, no reason to leave my apartment, a cell phone that won't beep or ring all day. The high point of my weekend will be the couple of TV shows that I want to watch. I was never really a TV person but have come to realize it's at least one small way to fill the emptiness.

 

I don't understand it either. I'm sorry to hear that there's even another person out there experiencing something similar to what I am.

Edited March 1, 2014 by Exit

[bob the brave]

Please be more specific. You have to be worthless for a reason. What is that you lack that makes people think so?

[HokeyReligions]

Ditto what the others said

Edited March 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed non relevant parts

[Inflikted]

Yeah, Exit, I can definitely relate to a lot of what you said.

 

People will also often make the accusation that it must be that we aren't trying. "Fine, people don't talk to you, but do you ever reach out to them?". I don't know about you OP, but I do try. Just recently a friend of mine (I say that loosely - yet another person who I hadn't heard from for a while) moved to another state. Rather than letting them leave while I sat here telling myself that they must not care about me, I did make the effort to get in touch, even went so far as to bring them a couple of parting gifts before they left town (a book about where they were moving to, some pictures of stuff we had done together in the past), and really tried to impress upon them my desire to stay in touch, even going so far as to tell them that if it ended up working out where they were going, some day I might like to move down there too and get a fresh start. Literally the last thing I said to this person as I drove away was "stay in touch!" which was met with a cheery "will do". That was 3 months ago and I never heard from them again. Yeah yeah, it's easy to immediately suggest things like "they moved, of course they've just been busy". Eventually you can't convince yourself of that anymore. In this world of cell phones and internet, if people wanted to be in touch with you, they would. Had I sat here and let that friend leave town without ever saying anything to them, it would be fair to say that I had a self defeatist attitude and that I can't just sit around always hoping people will talk to me first. But that's not the case. I did try. And sure, I can try to be realistic about it and think that maybe that person is the jerk and not me. But it's not that simple, at least not in my mind. It's about why that person has chosen not to say a word to me since. It has to be something about me and my lack of value again. I'm not gonna sit here and believe that they haven't talked to anyone in 3 months since leaving. I'm sure everyone else still hears from them. But me? No.

 

This reminds me a lot of a recent scenario in which a girl I knew from work, a girl I've spent the last couple of years being madly in love with, left for a new job. I had asked her previously if we could stay in touch and she said yes, and the day she left, I gave her my number, and she seemed pretty enthusiastic, and I did say some parting words just in case she didn't contact me again, but I had hope I might hear from her.

 

Granted, it's only been a couple weeks, now, but I haven't heard from her at all. I'm kind of ashamed to say that I peek at her social media profile every now and then, and I see that she seems to stay in touch with others, but me? Not so much. Every time I unexpectedly get a text or a phone call, my heart skips a beat thinking it might be her, but... it never is.

 

Please be more specific. You have to be worthless for a reason. What is that you lack that makes people think so?

 

*shrug* I dunno. I mean, I guess I'm just not very good at making myself seem interesting and/ or entertaining. I'm not a good "talker". My conversational skills have always really only been so-so, and even when I have something to say that's genuinely interesting, funny, or whatever, the way I actually say it always just falls flat with people. There have been a number of times where I've had a funny story to tell, and anyone else could tell my story and really get people laughing and having a good time; me, I tell it, and I maybe get a little chuckle or a comment, or something, and that's it.

 

I think my quiet, reserved, introverted nature puts people off a bit, too, but I'm not that way to turn people off, that's just... who I am. I'm not a "loud", expressive, extroverted person, I don't have the "gift of gab". I keep to myself, I observe, I think and analyze, and I speak when I feel I have something worth saying. This does cause some... awkwardness at times, and that doesn't exactly help me, either.

 

As far as women go, well, I don't find myself actually wanting to date very many girls I meet to begin with. But I've always been very bad at the whole "flirting" thing. I don't really do it, as I've sort of been conditioned to feel like it's disrespectful/ creepy for me to "flirt" with or "hit on" anyone. I think women tend to see my "quiet", awkward, inexperienced, goofy personality and (along with my very "youthful" looking appearance) look at me as a "little boy" rather than a "man". Women want someone they can have fun with, date, be attracted to, have sex with... No women want to do those things with a "little boy".

 

Maybe you need a constant for yourself. Something to hold yourself against when sad and flaunt to yourself when happy.

 

I suppose. I don't really know what that would be for me, though.

[topaMAXX]

OP, what are your goals in life (meaning outside of women and making friends)?

[melell]

Humility. Take worthlessness and worthiness out of your perspective.

[Inflikted]

Humility. Take worthlessness and worthiness out of your perspective.

 

I'm not really sure what that means...?

 

OP, what are your goals in life (meaning outside of women and making friends)?

 

I'm a pretty "simple" person, that way. As far back as I can remember, my three main life goals (of equal importance, to me) have been: 1. Have a satisfying career, 2. Have a good group of friends, and 3. Meet and settle down with an awesome lady.

 

I've been working on the "career" thing, and for now, I'm just waiting until I complete my education in a few months. Granted, I'm a bit concerned as to what will happen to me after I finish my education, because I don't know how I'm going to manage to find a good entry-level job, and I don't quite feel "ready" to graduate, yet it's only a few months away.

 

But overall, my career is on a solid track, right now. I know what I want to do with my life, and right now, all I can do is keep powering through school and then try to figure out what comes next.

 

With my career on track, it's kind of hard not to focus on and spend a lot of time thinking about my other two goals, yanno?

[mea_M]

No.. No! You are not worthless unless you think you are! I sense some normal inner conflict here. Good news is there is a solution to fix this! You need to believe in the power of you. Learn to know who you are and see that you are enough! Outside opinions are not going to help our inner growth. We need to look to the inside. A trained therapist may very well be able to help you uncover what's within. And I'm certain it's an abundance of good! Allow yourself to shine bright! My best to you.

 

Mea :-)

[Inflikted]

You need to believe in the power of you. Learn to know who you are and see that you are enough! Outside opinions are not going to help our inner growth.

 

I don't really follow. I mean, I don't really have a problem with myself. I recognize my flaws, sure, but I'm generally pretty okay with who I am as a person.

 

What I don't get is why what I have, who I am, isn't "good enough" for anyone else. I don't understand why people are so indifferent to me, why no one cares about me, why no one is ever willing to make an effort to be with me. I'm not purposely seeking validation from external sources, but to be 25 and to not have any friends, never date, etc., that's just... not right. There's clearly something I either have or something I lack that simply makes people uninterested, and it frustrates me because I can't figure out what that "thing" is.

 

A trained therapist may very well be able to help you uncover what's within.

 

I don't really "believe" in therapy. Anyway, I don't have the money for it. I actually caved and went to a session once late last year, and at the time, I was told my insurance would cover it, but I found out later that that wasn't true. And unfortunately, I simply can't afford to pay out of pocket for therapy on a consistent basis.

[topaMAXX]

OP, have you tried to seek out friendships and dating? If so, how?

 

Also, it seems like you have a tendency towards depression. So do I. And I can tell you that things are likely not nearly as bad as you think they are.

 

I agree with you about therapy. I don't really believe in it either.

 

Do you go to the gym at all? I've noticed that since I started going to the gym 4-5 times per week, I don't feel depressed anymore and my outlook on life has significantly changed. I highly recommend it.

[Inflikted]

OP, have you tried to seek out friendships and dating? If so, how?

 

I've tried to make connections with coworkers and classmates over the years in order to build up friendships. Yanno, just by talking and trying to let things happen organically. I got a bit more direct over the last couple of years, trying to actively say to people "We should go do this", and whatnot, and it was always met with indifference, which led to nothing happening every single time.

 

As far as dating, it's really rare for me to actually WANT to date a girl. There's only ever been two girls I really wanted to date. The first was about six years ago, and I only like her because of some really stupid reasons. The second was about two years ago, and I actually liked her because she was genuinely the coolest girl I've ever met. Neither girl wanted to date me, and I had a hard time dealing with both rejections. Honestly, I still miss the hell out of the last girl I liked.

 

I also tried many times to do the online dating thing. Didn't care for it, and didn't find anyone I actually liked. I forced myself to write to anyone I could, and wrote to probably more than a hundred girls, but got almost no responses, and the ones that did respond didn't lead to anything. I actually did go on one date with someone I met online, and based on our profiles, we seemed like a good match, but the date was painfully boring to me, and I didn't have a good time. That's the only date I've ever been on.

 

Also, it seems like you have a tendency towards depression. So do I. And I can tell you that things are likely not nearly as bad as you think they are.

 

Perhaps, but I'm at a point where my day-to-day life just... sucks. Aside from work and class, I'm pretty much alone, waiting around for the day to be over and the next one to start, which just ends up being more of the same. Every time my phone gets a new notification, I get giddy, thinking "Maybe somebody sent me a message! Maybe somebody texted me!", then I look at my phone and it's just junk mail, and I feel super bummed out.

 

Do you go to the gym at all? I've noticed that since I started going to the gym 4-5 times per week, I don't feel depressed anymore and my outlook on life has significantly changed. I highly recommend it.

 

Nah, never been an athletic person, nor have I had much interest in working out. Not to mention, I'm a bit to self-conscious to go to a gym. For a little while, this very outgoing guy I work with was trying to help me feel better and get out of this funk, and he originally was trying to talk me into going to the gym with him and working out. I didn't really want to, but I figured maybe I could give it a try, and told him sure, but he never got back to me on it. We hung out once, a month or so ago, but I think he pretty much gave up on me, and no longer really seems to care much, like he did before.

[topaMAXX]

I've tried to make connections with coworkers and classmates over the years in order to build up friendships. Yanno, just by talking and trying to let things happen organically. I got a bit more direct over the last couple of years, trying to actively say to people "We should go do this", and whatnot, and it was always met with indifference, which led to nothing happening every single time.

 

A lot of people are just flaky, man. This happens to me all the time. There are some that aren't though.

 

Just be friendly, have fun, and have goals. Most of the people that I'm friends with became friends through mutual interests.

 

I primarily have 4 groups of friends now:

 

1) My military friends (we have the military in common...if a person is currently active duty military, we will be more likely to have a bond because we understand each other)

 

2) My neighbors (they're hispanic and I'm currently learning Spanish...so this was a natural fit)

 

3) My gym buddies (we have similar goals of getting into shape)

 

4) My "going out" friends (we used to chase girls together...not so much anymore, but the bond is still there from prior adventures)

 

So the mutual interest thing is big. However, you have to be genuinely interested in something to make friends. It will be obvious if you're not.

 

As far as dating, it's really rare for me to actually WANT to date a girl. There's only ever been two girls I really wanted to date. The first was about six years ago, and I only like her because of some really stupid reasons. The second was about two years ago, and I actually liked her because she was genuinely the coolest girl I've ever met. Neither girl wanted to date me, and I had a hard time dealing with both rejections. Honestly, I still miss the hell out of the last girl I liked.

 

If I stopped at 2, I would still be a virgin for sure LOL. Sounds like you need to put yourself out there more, man.

 

I also tried many times to do the online dating thing. Didn't care for it, and didn't find anyone I actually liked. I forced myself to write to anyone I could, and wrote to probably more than a hundred girls, but got almost no responses, and the ones that did respond didn't lead to anything. I actually did go on one date with someone I met online, and based on our profiles, we seemed like a good match, but the date was painfully boring to me, and I didn't have a good time. That's the only date I've ever been on.

 

Online dating is generally a bad idea, ESPECIALLY if you're not very good with girls in real life. I believe that anybody can get good at it, but it will take some dedication and experimentation. Not worth it, imo, but it does work for sure.

 

Perhaps, but I'm at a point where my day-to-day life just... sucks. Aside from work and class, I'm pretty much alone, waiting around for the day to be over and the next one to start, which just ends up being more of the same. Every time my phone gets a new notification, I get giddy, thinking "Maybe somebody sent me a message! Maybe somebody texted me!", then I look at my phone and it's just junk mail, and I feel super bummed out.

 

Sounds like you rely too much on other people for happiness. You need to set goals for yourself.

 

For example, I currently have a very demanding job where I am relied upon. This takes up about 50-60 hours of my week. During the time when I'm not at work, I either working out, learning Spanish, studying for my MCAT (I'm seriously considering medical school), planning a trip to a foreign country, or doing some necessity around my apartment.

 

When you count the friendships that I've built up (described previously), I'm generally always doing something. I'm definitely never stressing about people not texting me back lol.

 

 

Nah, never been an athletic person, nor have I had much interest in working out. Not to mention, I'm a bit to self-conscious to go to a gym. For a little while, this very outgoing guy I work with was trying to help me feel better and get out of this funk, and he originally was trying to talk me into going to the gym with him and working out. I didn't really want to, but I figured maybe I could give it a try, and told him sure, but he never got back to me on it. We hung out once, a month or so ago, but I think he pretty much gave up on me, and no longer really seems to care much, like he did before.

 

I was never athletic either. I actually started going to the gym as a New Year's resolution and stuck with it. To be honest, I don't really care all that much about getting big. I just like it because since I've been going to the gym, I feel great pretty much all the time.

 

As far as being self conscious, don't be. When I first started going, I was lifting less than most girls lol.

 

I'm proud to say that I now lift more than most of the girls around me.

 

Sounds to me that you just need to change your attitude, man. Be your own motivation, instead of looking for it in others. And remember life is a journey, not a destination. So enjoy it!

[Inflikted]

A lot of people are just flaky, man. This happens to me all the time. There are some that aren't though.

 

Just be friendly, have fun, and have goals. Most of the people that I'm friends with became friends through mutual interests.

 

I primarily have 4 groups of friends now:

 

1) My military friends (we have the military in common...if a person is currently active duty military, we will be more likely to have a bond because we understand each other)

 

2) My neighbors (they're hispanic and I'm currently learning Spanish...so this was a natural fit)

 

3) My gym buddies (we have similar goals of getting into shape)

 

4) My "going out" friends (we used to chase girls together...not so much anymore, but the bond is still there from prior adventures)

 

So the mutual interest thing is big. However, you have to be genuinely interested in something to make friends. It will be obvious if you're not.

 

Yeah, I mean, I try to fraternize with those around me that I share some kind of common ground with. The thing is, when I know someone from somewhere, they tend to just be "that person I see at that thing". For instance, if I want to be friends with a classmate, I never get to that level with them; they're simply "that person I see at class", until we go our separate ways. That's the most I seem to be able to get to with anyone. I'm never able to make things happen beyond a particular shared activity.

 

If I'm being honest, it's difficult for me to find anything I'm interested in doing that's also going to get me out in the world, meeting people. Most of the things I enjoy doing are just things I do by myself, often in the comfort of my own home. Yes, I would like to go out to eat, go to bars, go see a movie, go somewhere fun, etc. but I'm simply not interested in going out and doing any of these things alone, so I just... don't. These are things I'd rather do with friends, but I have none. I don't really care for being the "idea" person; I'm up for going out and doing stuff, but I'd rather someone else figure out something cool and just invite me to it. When left to my own devices, I'll just stick to my "loner" ways, even though I want human companionship, deep down.

 

If I stopped at 2, I would still be a virgin for sure LOL. Sounds like you need to put yourself out there more, man.

 

I just have a very narrow sense of attraction, to be honest. Over the last eight or so years, I've met tons of girls, so I don't necessarily think "numbers" is the issue. I'm just attracted to very specific things, and if someone doesn't have the right mix of qualities, I don't even really look at them as a possibility for dating.

 

I'm sure I've probably come across a handful of girls that would've dated me had I put in the effort to pursue them, but my interest level in them just wasn't there. After the last girl I liked, I'm sort of stuck on this idea of only wanting "the best". I don't want to date someone if I think I might not have a good time with them, and I don't want to end up settling for someone that's only "okay" or "good enough...".

 

Online dating is generally a bad idea, ESPECIALLY if you're not very good with girls in real life. I believe that anybody can get good at it, but it will take some dedication and experimentation. Not worth it, imo, but it does work for sure.

 

Yeah, it's not really something I'm doing at the moment; to be honest, I never really liked the idea of online dating, it's just something that's constantly been suggested to me in the past, as someone with poor social skills. Sometimes when I go through my super lonely periods, I'll hop back on a site for a few minutes and browse around, maybe try to force myself to message someone, but it's not something I'm active in.

 

Sounds like you rely too much on other people for happiness. You need to set goals for yourself.

 

For example, I currently have a very demanding job where I am relied upon. This takes up about 50-60 hours of my week. During the time when I'm not at work, I either working out, learning Spanish, studying for my MCAT (I'm seriously considering medical school), planning a trip to a foreign country, or doing some necessity around my apartment.

 

When you count the friendships that I've built up (described previously), I'm generally always doing something. I'm definitely never stressing about people not texting me back lol.

 

Again, I'm not looking for external validation or anything like that. I'm just so completely starved for human interaction and companionship. I can keep myself entertained for a little, but inevitably, I get bored with what I'm doing, and I start wishing I had someone to talk to, meet up with, hang out with, go do something with. I think about what I'm going to do next time I have free time, and then it always ends up occurring to me that every day is just more of the same. I either go to class or go to work (sometimes both on the same day), and spend the rest of the time during the day trying to keep myself entertained.

 

I was never athletic either. I actually started going to the gym as a New Year's resolution and stuck with it. To be honest, I don't really care all that much about getting big. I just like it because since I've been going to the gym, I feel great pretty much all the time.

 

As far as being self conscious, don't be. When I first started going, I was lifting less than most girls lol.

 

I'm proud to say that I now lift more than most of the girls around me.

 

Sounds to me that you just need to change your attitude, man. Be your own motivation, instead of looking for it in others. And remember life is a journey, not a destination. So enjoy it!

 

Yeah, I dunno. If I had somebody to go with, I wouldn't mind trying out the whole gym thing. It's just not something I have any motivation to do alone.

 

"Motivation" has always been a tricky thing, for me. Like I said, when left to my own devices, I'm content trying to entertain myself; I would LOVE to go out and do things, and I welcome any opportunity, but I'm simply not an "idea" person, I never have any kind of interest or motivation to go do something, without anyone else joining me.

[hasaquestion]

I hope this doesn't come off harsh, apologies if it does.

 

There are degrees of friendship:

*peripheral friends

*lifelong friends

 

Most "friends" are the former. They aren't there to walk into fires with you. They socialize and interact with you because you add value to their life somehow.

 

The few people who you really cherish? They're the latter. But if they are to reach that status with you, a relationship has to grow. So at some point they're probably just peripheral friends too.

 

Right now it sounds like you don't really sell yourself well to potential peripheral friends. For example, you said that you hate being the "idea" person. But one of the best ways to make yourself valuable to other people is to lead them and add fun or excitement to their lives.

 

Lifelong friends are people who you can expect to just come over to your place, pop a squat in your living room, and laugh together. And they are the best thing in the universe. But peripheral friends? They expect to somehow have a better time because of you.

 

I know when I graduated and moved to a place where I didn't know a single person, or have any social ties, it was the scariest thing in the universe. Friday night rolls around and I didn't have any numbers in my phone, no one to talk to.

 

You've got to be a valuable friend to people. Be the person who introduces them to others, invites them over, takes them out to have a good time. If you aren't going to make them laugh with your own jokes? Rent a funny movie and make them laugh that way.

 

I know it sounds rather unromantic to feel like you're "working" for friends... but its what everyone does. High school, college, post-graduation - there's 1 guy in a room of 10 who's a draw solely because of his wit or charisma, and the rest are always jockeying to make themselves valuable to others.

 

That's the best advice I can give you OP.

 

I know it probably feels like everyone has friends because of their charms except you. But that's not true - most guys are just as clumsy and dorky as you perceive yourself to be. They just hide it the best they can. And the circles of friends they have are things which they've put years of "work" into.