Accepting your own worthlessness?

[mea_M]

I don't really follow. I mean, I don't really have a problem with myself. I recognize my flaws, sure, but I'm generally pretty okay with who I am as a person.

 

What I don't get is why what I have, who I am, isn't "good enough" for anyone else. I don't understand why people are so indifferent to me, why no one cares about me, why no one is ever willing to make an effort to be with me. I'm not purposely seeking validation from external sources, but to be 25 and to not have any friends, never date, etc., that's just... not right. There's clearly something I either have or something I lack that simply makes people uninterested, and it frustrates me because I can't figure out what that "thing" .

 

Well, I suppose that's tough to answer then as to why you feel what you have to offer is not good enough for others. How much effort do you put into meeting people? And where do you like to meet them? Without reading back through the whole thread I guess I'm asking you a couple questions to try and offer better advice. As for the therapy, hey.. It's not for everyone totally ok to feel that way.

 

Mea :-)

[Inflikted]

How much effort do you put into meeting people? And where do you like to meet them? Without reading back through the whole thread I guess I'm asking you a couple questions to try and offer better advice.

 

I mean, I basically just kinda let life take me wherever, and hope to meet people along that "journey". I have a part time job, in which I work with the general public, so there's a lot of human interaction there. I've always kinda tried to keep an eye out for potential friends in the various classes I've taken over the last several years.

 

Admittedly, beyond work and school, I don't really get out much, because there's never really anything I'm up for doing by myself. I never want to go out to eat, or go to a bar, or wherever, by myself.

 

I'm never really good with meeting someone new. I'm often quiet, reserved and unsure what to say, and I kind of like to wait and observe what that person is like for a while so that I can gauge how to interact with them. It can take me a while to really open up to people. I've been trying to get better at this... I'm still very iffy, though. I am (and have always been) horrible at actually initiating contact, though, especially with a total stranger. Just can't bring myself to do it.

[mea_M]

I mean, I basically just kinda let life take me wherever, and hope to meet people along that "journey". I have a part time job, in which I work with the general public, so there's a lot of human interaction there. I've always kinda tried to keep an eye out for potential friends in the various classes I've taken over the last several years.

 

Admittedly, beyond work and school, I don't really get out much, because there's never really anything I'm up for doing by myself. I never want to go out to eat, or go to a bar, or wherever, by myself.

 

I'm never really good with meeting someone new. I'm often quiet, reserved and unsure what to say, and I kind of like to wait and observe what that person is like for a while so that I can gauge how to interact with them. It can take me a while to really open up to people. I've been trying to get better at this... I'm still very iffy, though. I am (and have always been) horrible at actually initiating contact, though, especially with a total stranger. Just can't bring myself to do it.

 

Awe.. Hey, you know it's totally ok to be hesitant to open up. Sometimes it takes feeling a certain comfort in order to do so. How about an activity you enjoy as a means of meeting people? Often enough if commonalities exist between people, it makes for easier natural conversation. Just a thought. I think you'll get there on your own time.

 

Mea :-)

[topaMAXX]

I mean, I basically just kinda let life take me wherever, and hope to meet people along that "journey".

 

I think this is your major problem. This is not the way to go about achieving just about anything in life.

 

As far as friends go, you can definitely go out of your way to meet certain kinds of people. However, you have to be ready for someone of value to come into your life and jump on the opportunity.

 

As far as girls and dating, letting life take you wherever is one of the worst things you can do. As a man (especially passed college age), you will have to be proactive in finding a decent girl that you're attracted to. They are not common. Any guy that I know that met their wife post-college and is currently in a successful marriage decided they wanted to married and actively searched until they found someone.

 

Letting things come to you (especially in dating) only works if you're a woman.

[Copelandsanity]

I am post-divorce. I currently have a best friend, but other than him, my social life is lacking and I'm also looking to improve it. I found this, and I think it'd be helpful for both of us: How To Make Friends And Get A Social Life. It illustrates step-by-step exactly what you need to do to make friends. Some of tasks will understandably be uncomfortable for for you to perform, but keep in mind:

 

1) Making friends is work, ESPECIALLY for someone who is an introvert.

2) Repeated exposure is important, you have to see the person or group over and over again.

3) Don't be picky. If you reject others based on your own unrealistic standards of what an ideal friend is, then you're doing the same as others have done to you.

4) Socialize your interests, or cultivate new ones that you can socialize.

 

I'll point out some examples of how I'm planning to help my social life:

 

-I've started to do running, and once I've built up some mileage, I'll be able to join a running group/team, of which there are too many in my city to count. I'll have automatic topics of conversation: my injury prevention tactics, my stretching routine, my goal to run the marathon, my training, places I've run at, new places I want to run at, running shoes...the list goes on.

 

-I enjoy watching basketball, and I used to play more frequently, but the friends I played with have moved on to other things in their lives. So once I get my new basketball shoes in the mail, I will be joining a co-ed basketball league. Again, because of my interest in basketball, I have many things I can converse about.

 

-I learned how to play tennis last year, and am currently an advanced beginner. My best friend and I taught ourselves how to play and we are partners that play regularly. This would be an example of using someone I currently know to further develop the relationship. In the spring, I also plan on attending a local tennis Meetup.

 

The only other advice I have is to go into temporary romantic retirement. Forget about girls and dating for now. You should focus completely on making friends, particularly guy friends, and the best way to make guy friends is through shared activities. To me, that should be your strategy. You need to find activities that you like to do, and do them with others.

Edited March 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Inflikted]

Awe.. Hey, you know it's totally ok to be hesitant to open up. Sometimes it takes feeling a certain comfort in order to do so. How about an activity you enjoy as a means of meeting people? Often enough if commonalities exist between people, it makes for easier natural conversation. Just a thought. I think you'll get there on your own time.

 

I guess, I'm just tired of wasting so much time trying to "get there" but never actually doing so. I mean, how much longer do I have to hold out for? I feel like I'm already hanging on by a thread, and that thread is about to give...

 

I think this is your major problem. This is not the way to go about achieving just about anything in life.

 

As far as friends go, you can definitely go out of your way to meet certain kinds of people. However, you have to be ready for someone of value to come into your life and jump on the opportunity.

 

As far as girls and dating, letting life take you wherever is one of the worst things you can do. As a man (especially passed college age), you will have to be proactive in finding a decent girl that you're attracted to. They are not common. Any guy that I know that met their wife post-college and is currently in a successful marriage decided they wanted to married and actively searched until they found someone.

 

Letting things come to you (especially in dating) only works if you're a woman.

 

*shrug* I've just... never really been much of a creative, assertive, authoritative kind of person. I'm not a "leader". Never have been, can't see myself ever being one. Thinking outside the box, "pushing the envelope", etc. have never been my strong suits. I never really have good ideas for things to do, places to go, or anything like that. Not because I "don't try hard enough", but because I just don't have that kind of mind.

 

When left to my own devices, I prefer a quiet night in, as opposed to a night out. Not because of any fears or uncomfortableness, or whatever, but because that's just what I prefer. But just because that's my preference doesn't mean I wouldn't like to go out and do things. I absolutely would, if I had people in my life to do stuff with.

 

It was mentioned before that people seek out others that can add something to their lives and bring new experiences to their lives, and that it's the smart, creative, assertive, charismatic people that draw the most attention. But do I not fall into the group of people that are seeking out someone that can add something to their lives? Does that not describe me? I'm "content" with my introverted, "homebody" ways, but I'm looking for people that can get out me into the world, show me things, take me places, give me experiences I've never had before.

 

I'll never be a "leader". That's just not who I am. But I don't WANT to be a "leader". I just want to connect with people and have a social circle that can show me new experiences and enrich my life.

[melell]

Go and join a volunteer group. Do things that will help others- You WILL learn something from doing that.

 

Op, no one ever held my hand, no one ever scooped me up to show me how to experience things and make friends. I am not a leader, nor do I ooze charisma, and I am a homebody- at 26 I and have lived in 9 different countries, it has been killer difficult to be close to people, especially in completely different cultures, but after enough time I mastered it.

 

Right now anything that you haven't experienced is just a fantasy, it is just an idea about how something will be.

 

If you want to feel more enriched and develop real friendships in life you have to push your limits, experience, grow.. homebody or not.

 

To be blunt, it almost sounds like you are complaining about the things that the majority of people have to deal with also, you are just describing life in general. The perspective is warped.

 

If friends is what you are really after I suggest move to a town where there are less than 2000 people, you will make plenty of good friends quickly, but will get bored as **** pretty quickly.