trouble accepting GF past sexual history

[2nd tyme]

I'm separated and soon divorced 54, my GF of 10 months is single never married and 47. We have an amazing chemistry and connection. We are both deeply in love with each other. Although we don't live together yet we are planning to move in soon. She is my world, and I've never been happier.

 

However, I have recently been having trouble getting over her past sexual history. She was generally upfront about telling he about her past, which have included a few LT relationships and many shorter ones. She gets lots of attention from men and is hit on all the time.

 

In the last few days, I came across a sex video she made on her computer. In the video she is with a BF from 8 years ago who she already had told me about, but the tape shows that he had pretty intense sex with him again only a few weeks before we got together.

 

My problems are:

 

1) its really hard to erase that image from my mind. Destroys mental picture of us I had constructed (I'll take the hit for that one).

2) she was with this guy more recently than she has told me about. In fact, when she made the tape, she was supposedly within in an exclusive relationship with someone else. I'm getting the feeling she has always had him in the background and a F^%$ buddy if a relationship goes sour (she has high sex drive). They are still FB friends and he texts her from time to time.

3) after this I snooped her phone. I an convinced she has not met up with him after meeting me but she still wished him HB and briefly responds to some of his fishing texts since we've been together.

 

I have not decided whether to confront her on this or not. All indications are she has been faithful to me, is in love with me, and this all happened in the past. But the idea of him being in waiting and the residual attachment from her has me feeling a little sick.

 

Should I suck it up, compartmentalize and move forward, or spill the whole thing now?

[Candy_Pants]

The past is the past. If you love this woman and believe she's been faithful to you then there's only one thing you can do; "suck it up".

 

The sextape is in poor taste. Not that she did it but that she still has it. Tell her, in a nonjudgemental way, that you came across it and if she'd delete it. Then if everyone is in a mood to discuss it further ask her about the timeframe etc.

 

I wish you luck!!! Snooping is bad, as you know, and I bet you're not happy with what you found but you found it and now you've got to decide if this is a battle worth fighting, and/or losing.

[2nd tyme]

Thanks Candy that's what I was thinking, just looking for an opinion.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, her past is her past. Right now, she is with you. She chose to be with you. Therefore, if she hasn't given any reason not to trust her, then you need to let this go. It seems like she dedicated herself to YOU. You are the man in her life and no one else. Not these LT and ST relationships she's had in the past, just you.

 

 

I mean, let be real! I'm sure there was other girls before you met your current girlfriend. Does she need to worry about you? Should she need to worry? If you can answer "no" to those questions. Then, maybe you should extend her the same trust.

[Grumpybutfun]

Insecurities and jealousy can make good relationships go south really quick. Reign it in before you start becoming a controlling bf whom she no longer is open and sharing with. She has done nothing wrong, but your snooping is a red flag that maybe you have insecurity issues or you are letting stuff from your previous relationship bleed into to this one. Be careful, you are treading on thin ice....

Don't say a word and stop snooping. Accepting your past is something she has done and so you should extend the same courtesy. If you two are in your forties and fifties, there will be baggage....always.

Grumps

[2nd tyme]

Thanks Candy and Chitown. That's the feedback I was needing tonight.

I'd still like here to unfriend this guy though, but maybe better to take the high road.

[Madman81]

The past is the past. If you love this woman and believe she's been faithful to you then there's only one thing you can do; "suck it up".

 

The sextape is in poor taste. Not that she did it but that she still has it. Tell her, in a nonjudgemental way, that you came across it and if she'd delete it. Then if everyone is in a mood to discuss it further ask her about the timeframe etc.

 

I wish you luck!!! Snooping is bad, as you know, and I bet you're not happy with what you found but you found it and now you've got to decide if this is a battle worth fighting, and/or losing.

I agree with this. Since she's with you now, there's no reason for her to keep the sex tape. She should get rid of it.

 

Now, what to do from there. As you no doubt know, men and women fib to each other about sex all the time. Men think women need to know that they're bigger players than they are, so that the woman will see them as a desirable commodity. Women think men will consider them sluts if they've had too many sexual partners. And while, in an ideal world, nobody would lie about how recently they slept with another person before meeting their current partner, people do so. And in the grand scheme, lies like that are both trivial and somewhat understandable. That's what she's done here: told one of those trivial and somewhat understandable lies about her past.

 

Now that you have the truth, you have two choices. One is to end the relationship. The other is to leave the past in the past and move on. Because the fact is that the only details you're entitled to about her sexual past are (a) is she disease free, (b) does she have kids as a result of her sexual past, and © are any of her former sexual partners threats to her relationship with you. As to anything else, she owes you neither an explanation nor an apology for the sexual things she did in her life, before she entered a relationship with you.

 

If she's otherwise a great partner, then pretty clearly you need to leave the past in the past, as soon as the video is deleted.

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately, you can't un-ring a bell. You are going to have a difficult if not impossible time getting the pictures from that video out of your head.

 

 

We can all give you platitudes about letting go of someone's past & focusing on who she is now & the choices she's making now but none of that is going to erase the video loop in your head.

 

 

If you can't get past it, (& fwiw, I probably couldn't), you have to end this. It's not fair to punish her for it or yourself for watching it.

 

 

Just because she has a high sex drive & men flirt with her, doesn't make her promiscuous. I'd be cautious about the seeming discrepancies in the time line (was she cheating on somebody else when she made the tape?) but I don't think I'd end everything over that.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm separated and soon divorced 54, my GF of 10 months is single never married and 47. We have an amazing chemistry and connection. We are both deeply in love with each other. Although we don't live together yet we are planning to move in soon. She is my world, and I've never been happier.

 

However, I have recently been having trouble getting over her past sexual history. She was generally upfront about telling he about her past, which have included a few LT relationships and many shorter ones. She gets lots of attention from men and is hit on all the time.

 

In the last few days, I came across a sex video she made on her computer. In the video she is with a BF from 8 years ago who she already had told me about, but the tape shows that he had pretty intense sex with him again only a few weeks before we got together.

 

My problems are:

 

1) its really hard to erase that image from my mind. Destroys mental picture of us I had constructed (I'll take the hit for that one).

2) she was with this guy more recently than she has told me about. In fact, when she made the tape, she was supposedly within in an exclusive relationship with someone else. I'm getting the feeling she has always had him in the background and a F^%$ buddy if a relationship goes sour (she has high sex drive). They are still FB friends and he texts her from time to time.

3) after this I snooped her phone. I an convinced she has not met up with him after meeting me but she still wished him HB and briefly responds to some of his fishing texts since we've been together.

 

I have not decided whether to confront her on this or not. All indications are she has been faithful to me, is in love with me, and this all happened in the past. But the idea of him being in waiting and the residual attachment from her has me feeling a little sick.

 

Should I suck it up, compartmentalize and move forward, or spill the whole thing now?

 

Oh jeezus Kerrrist, not another one!!

WTF is it with some men who feel that the moment they begin dating a woman, they have monopoly over her sexual past and have a right to be present 'judge jury and executioner' - ??

 

She had a life before you came along!

She is passionate, daring, exciting and sexually free - and she didn't go around in sackcloth and ashes before you came along, or wear virginal white, and claim to be chaste!

 

Jeesh - get over yourself!

 

More fool you for snooping!

You got an eyeful - well, there you go.... Now you know!

 

She can't undo what she did....

You just have to take it on the chin and accept it!

[2nd tyme]

All: Thanks for the kick in the pants, it was very helpful.

[mrs rubble]

All: Thanks for the kick in the pants, it was very helpful.

Reading has helped me a little too.

I'm feeling quite insecure about several of my fiance's previous sexual partners being part of our social circle....don't know if I can handle it really.

[giblesp]

Well you really shouldn't be snooping through her stuff. You are only going to find something that hurts an otherwise perfectly good relationship. At the same time, keeping a sex video of an ex does seem a little extreme. Maybe she also has to let go of her past a bit. Perhaps just have an honest chat with her, tell her you've experienced jealousy and want to get over it. I had my RJ and moved on from it. It can be done.

[Phantom888]

If you two value your relationship enough, ask her to get rid of the tape, block the guy from facebook, and no more contact with that guy ever. She needs to respect your feelings. There is no place in your relationship for that guy, who is not really a friend. If she loves you enough she would respect your feelings and do as you requested. If she refuses, you need to break up with her and move on, as there will be a LOT more to discover later on.

[ascendotum]

On here you will find two camps as to whether the past is the past. Personally I don't believe it doesn't matter what they did in the past or that it is irrelevant to their character. In your case though I do think you can say the past is the past. I don't see any big deal over the sex tape, nor the fact that she had fwb, nor the fact that she had sex with him not that long before she started up with you, nor the fact that she sends him a HB txt. The bit that I don't believe you can just wave away as 'her past is no business of mine', is the bit where she is shagging her f-buddy while also being in a relationship with another guy. That shows her nature. You could easily be sharing her with a f-buddy guy a little down the line.

 

As for snooping, I think its a bit of a crappy thing to do personally. However when one does it and finds something incriminating, it suddenly is justified (post snooping). As far as you can tell she has given you no reason to doubt her love, however given she cheats on exes, I'd keep my eyes open going forward. I don't think you have to discuss any of this with her (unless you are uncomfortable with the fwb guy still being on her FB) and I don't think you should keep snooping as a matter of routine, but I would start getting snoopy again if you become suspicious down the line.

[bob the brave]

I get a sense from your post that you are not nearly as worried about the past as for the future. And your instinct is good. She probably will cheat on you or maybe break up with you at some point. Never married at 47, keeps in sexual contact with old bf. Girls like this just like relationships and sex. They don't commit even when they tell themselves they want to. It is just their nature.

 

So my advice is enjoy the ride and the friendship but don't get too heavily emotionally commited or expect too much. Girls like this can be wonderful, adventerous people, full of life and love. Enjoy how she enriches your life. The fact that she does keep in contact with past bf show she is probably a good person.

 

Enjoy the relationship, but don't count on commitment.

[2nd tyme]

Thanks for your perspective. I think you are reading my mind. Keeping my mind open for now.

[Babolat]

I'd still like here to unfriend this guy though, but maybe better to take the high road.

I agree with all of those who say her sexual past, is hers, not yours. You have one too.

 

What do you mean by "unfriend"? Facebook unfriend?

 

I have never asked a woman about her sexual past, how many LTRs, nothing. It does not matter to me. She chose me, I chose her. I've never had a woman asked me about my sexual past, either. I was recently talking to my current gf about a crazy pyscho I dated 2 years ago for a few weeks and she sad "Damn, you must have sexed her up good!", with a laugh. That's as far as it went. I just listened and did not reply.

 

The video you watched, well, once you found it (why were you on her computer snooping in the first place?) you had a choice to make, watch it, or not. You, made your choice. Those who say she should delete it. I'm not sure I agree. If you two make a serious comittment to each other, yeah, maybe she should. I would not ask her to. It's her decision. At some tpoint, once we are more serious, I would expect her to do it on her own. And, BTW, I struggled with this with my current gf when we first started dating; where she still had a few family photos on her FB page with her ex and her daughter. A few of them were the ex and her hugging affectionatley. She said she deleted all of the ones she felt she needed to, left a few up for her daughter/family.

 

I have a very good female friend who is 46, never married. I notice she talks a lot about exes, as, she still texts with them and in 1 case even does things with him, and now, he is married. Another one, who is dating a woman seriously, recently told her he wants her back, let me know now kind of thing before I marry my current partner.

 

I told her if I were to date her (I will not, just giving her a mans POV) she would either have to cut all of this off, or explain to me why it was important for her to maintain contact with these exes. I have no issue with exes as friends. She was very cool about it and even said "I wonder why I do keep in contact with them?"

[bubbaganoosh]

The only thing I can tell you is if your going to be in a committed relationship with her, then clear the air with her.

 

Your not a kid, your a grown man and that means that you have the maturity to sit down and talk in a adult manner if you need to ask any questions. Get what you need to know out in the open before you get too far in the relationship.

 

If your happy with what you hear than fine and dandy and if not, then you don't have to commit to anything. Just make sure that you have your information before you decide.

 

These types of posts where someone finds a sex tape of their husband/wife/Bf/Gf/ opens up a big can of worms so just be prepared.

[johndoe13]

Wow sounds a little like my story but I am a little more advanced in the relationship than you are. I'm late 30s and she is early 30s been with her for almost 2 years. I have been with less than 10 women...I also did some snooping and the reason was that at first I noticed things that made me uncomfortable specially for a girl that should be infactuated...she never went into details with her past at first, but she said she was flirty (whatever that meant), she disrespected me by staring at other men in front of me, and she once wanted to have dinner with an old fling (which she told me was just a friend; she never did go to my knowledge because she noticed I did not feel confortable)! I started to build anxiety and dig everything I could find! I asked her about her past and she said less than 15 guys...I let her know many times (by almost ditching her) that I would not tolerate that behaviour!

 

I found pictures of her being a party girl kissing people in the mouth she barely knew and seemed intoxicated (i found she slept with a few of these people in the pictures); the these were a few years ago only. I found a list of some of the guys she had something (more than 15) and I asked again...she never told me a number but I suspected it is 25+...

 

Does it bother me; yes. Had I known on the first month of dating her she dated SO casually in the past I would have dumped her; probably because I told her a few times those girls that seek validation through sex disgust me and are ugly. It is a hard call; my girlfriend is in love with me and I am sure of it. I think what bother me the most is that I don't understand why get into a relationship when you enjoyed that kind of arrangement for so long...I also would feel infuriated that she may have done kinkier stuff with men that did not give a **** about her! Whereas I have to CREATE a mood!

 

HAS anybody over 30 had a similar experience with somebody that wanted to get married and possiblY kids and had a WIFE/GIRLFRIEND THAT had that type of experience/anxiery! WHAT WAS THE OUTCOME????

[Babolat]

Wow sounds a little like my story but I am a little more advanced in the relationship than you are. I'm late 30s and she is early 30s been with her for almost 2 years. I have been with less than 10 women...I also did some snooping and the reason was that at first I noticed things that made me uncomfortable specially for a girl that should be infactuated...she never went into details with her past at first, but she said she was flirty (whatever that meant), she disrespected me by staring at other men in front of me, and she once wanted to have dinner with an old fling (which she told me was just a friend; she never did go to my knowledge because she noticed I did not feel confortable)! I started to build anxiety and dig everything I could find! I asked her about her past and she said less than 15 guys...I let her know many times (by almost ditching her) that I would not tolerate that behaviour!

 

I found pictures of her being a party girl kissing people in the mouth she barely knew and seemed intoxicated (i found she slept with a few of these people in the pictures); the these were a few years ago only. I found a list of some of the guys she had something (more than 15) and I asked again...she never told me a number but I suspected it is 25+...

 

Does it bother me; yes. Had I known on the first month of dating her she dated SO casually in the past I would have dumped her; probably because I told her a few times those girls that seek validation through sex disgust me and are ugly. It is a hard call; my girlfriend is in love with me and I am sure of it. I think what bother me the most is that I don't understand why get into a relationship when you enjoyed that kind of arrangement for so long...I also would feel infuriated that she may have done kinkier stuff with men that did not give a **** about her! Whereas I have to CREATE a mood!

 

HAS anybody over 30 had a similar experience with somebody that wanted to get married and possiblY kids and had a WIFE/GIRLFRIEND THAT had that type of experience/anxiery! WHAT WAS THE OUTCOME????

 

Read some of my posts from last year about the girl I was dating then, and trying to date again. She had a decorated past, mostly partying, late nights, lots of men around, drug use, etc and things I just never understood and could not get my head around. My anxiety was at an all time high. She partied with the 80s hair bands you and I went to see in concert. She knoes them as friends.

 

Perception killed me, caused me lots and lots of anxiety. And I snooped, too. never really found anything though. I did not care who she was or about her past: I was trying to figure out "who are you now?". iLke your girl with you, I could tell, she adored me, and loved me like crazy (still does) and she made sure I knew that. She never did anything to make me jealous; quite the opposite. And I never thought she had or would cheat on me. It was her past lifestyle coupled with her present lifestyle: Perception.

 

Be careful, when in the state of mind you are in, your anxiety and perception will mess with you.

Edited March 3, 2014 by Babolat

[johndoe13]

Read some of my posts from last year about the girl I was dating then, and trying to date again. She had a decorated past, mostly partying, late nights, lots of men around, drug use, etc and things I just never understood and could not get my head around. My anxiety was at an all time high. She partied with the 80s hair bands you and I went to see in concert. She knoes them as friends.

 

Perception killed me, caused me lots and lots of anxiety. And I snooped, too. never really found anything though. I did not care who she was or about her past: I was trying to figure out "who are you now?". iLke your girl with you, I could tell, she adored me, and loved me like crazy (still does) and she made sure I knew that. She never did anything to make me jealous; quite the opposite. And I never thought she had or would cheat on me. It was her past lifestyle coupled with her present lifestyle: Perception.

 

Be careful, when in the state of mind you are in, your anxiety and perception will mess with you.

 

Wow I saw some of your post and we seem to be alike. I am also a good magnet for girls with daddy issues.

 

I snooped because many things she said, people said (her friends) and things I saw. It seems like I am protecting myself from being cheated on or used. I almost seem to be fishing for something to dump her with! It is really weird. Another thing is that her past tells me she was very sexual...but with me not as much like if she calmed down...which in turn pisses me off and scares me at the same time!

[Hello_is_it_me]

If she was in such recent contact with that FWB just before you and her got together, if it was me I would prefer she be on "no contact" with him. If she isn't willing to leave him behind I would check out of the relationship, or at least just have fun and plan your exit lol

[Thicke2013]

I have to agree with what several others have already said. She never claimed to be a virgin when you got together, so you have no right to hold her past against her. A wise person once told me that everything in someone's past made them who they are right now. If you love her now, her past made her that woman.

 

I personally had some trouble with this myself and have had to deal with these types of things. My GF is brutally honest which is a trait I love, but she told me early on don't ask a question that I don't really want to know the answer to. I have made that mistake a few times but she did tell me up front. Her past is just that and you said yourself that she has a high sex drive and I'm sure that is one of the things that you love about her, but that will also most likely mean that she has had several sex partners and a healthy sex life before you.

 

As for the contact with the ex, my opinion may differ from some. My GF had an ex that continued to contact her for more than 8 years after their relationship ended. It was always him initiating the contact, never her. It was only 4-5 times a year that he would call her and he would never call her personal phone, always her work #. I found out through general conversation that this was because his wife would get mad if she found out that he called my GF. This is where my problem came in. No guy in my opinion is going to risk what he calls a great marriage and he is happier than he's ever been, to call an ex GF just to see how she is. IMO he had ulterior motives. Not that it matters but I have been seeing a therapist to work out some things from my previous relationship to ensure that I don't bring that baggage to this one, and my therapist agreed with me. I spoke to my GF about it and she asked him to stop contacting her and said that she was in love with me and wished him the best. She did that for me because she sees her future with me and doesn't want me feeling insecure about us. I think if she really loves you she will see why this makes you feel insecure and should cut contact. Hope all works out for the best. Good luck!

[mr_dave]

Everyone says "the past is the past" etc, but it's her that's keeping this other guy in the present. Why on Earth does she still have a video of them at it? Why hasn't she left him in the past and ceased contact?

[Salvatore85]

Dude, why the hell did you watch the tape?