If you want them back.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Well there is a lot more to the story than what I have written. I posted a thread about it. I think he is possibly BPD or Bipolar, but even if he is not I still love him and want him back. He is going through a lot right now and he doesn't handle stress well. He has always been one to "get away" from the world when things get to be too much.

 

 

 

in regard to personality disorders such as BPD, that is a whole different story and a totally different level.

 

 

this is from a blog about dealing with people who have BPD, specifically breaking up with them.

 

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality | BPDFamily

 

 

4) Belief that love can prevail

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – many wounds that existed before the relationship have been opened. Of course you have a lot invested in this relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now. For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul. To revitalize your end of the relationship, you would need to recover from your wounds and emerge as an informed and loving caretaker – it’s not a simple journey. You need compassion and validation to heal - something your partner most likely won’t understand – and you can’t provide for yourself right now For your partner, there are longstanding and painful fears, trust issues, and resentments that have been triggered. Your partner is coping by blaming much of it on you. For your partner to revitalize their end of the relationship, they would need to understand and face their wounds and emerge very self-aware and mindful. This is likely an even greater challenge than you face.

 

 

p.s. my ex fits the description of BPD to a tee , it made me realize that it is very much a lost cause and will also cause you (the healthy person) to lose their minds and physical health.

[annisk]

There should also be a thread called "If you want to realise you don't want them back." with the exact same instructions as the OP.

 

Threads about wanting someone back should be made for dumpers, not dumpees.

 

Just my 2 cents. x

[chados]

dont talk to them. but dont block them on facebook. dont look at their facebook. stop following them or just use messenger.

 

keeping no contact is good. throwing them out of your life shows insecurity. youre scared about seeing them. of course move on with your life first and foremost. they will contact you if they want to. you want to show them you are moving on and that you are a strong person that knows his value. nothing you text will make them come back. man up and admit your mistakes, dont text them you will change just do it.

[blackcat777]

throwing them out of your life shows insecurity.

 

Depending on the situation, it could be a massive act of self-respect, if they treated you badly.

[chados]

Depending on the situation, it could be a massive act of self-respect, if they treated you badly.

 

well true, but if you want them back. i bet both can work. but normally i think you want them back because they were decent to you at least. and then you want to show them you dont care. not that you care.

[blackcat777]

Text is limited, I'll start by saying I don't mean any of this in a bitter way when I say it.

 

I'd LOVE for my ex to come back and tell me that he screwed up (because he did). But, but, but... he'd HAVE to say it to my face. Nothing else is good enough for me.

 

Blocking his phone number, blocking him on Facebook, bouncing his emails, all that goodness forces him to be real and show up at my door (or at least take the time to write a handwritten letter), or it forces him out of my life forever.

 

After what he did, I absolutely do not deserve a stupid Facebook friend request. God no. The price on my dignity is much higher than that.

 

Totally shutting him out everywhere also serves two purposes, both extremely beneficial to my sanity: if he's not contacting, the pain of silence is irrelevant because I chose it, I never have to wonder if the ringing phone is him or if there will be a surprise in my inbox; if he does contact, it weeds out all breadcrumbs and I don't have to beat myself up questioning his intentions, because he clearly grew a pair enough to come to my door, or put the effort into writing me a tangible letter.

 

He knows where I live... heck, he COULD send me flowers! But he hasn't, and this is my point.

 

He's free to come back to me and be real, or free to move on, but I will not be yo-yo'ed around anywhere between.

 

As for "showing him I cared," I poured my soul into that relationship, told him I'd love him and that the door was open when we broke up. He knows. If you were good to someone, don't beat yourself up; ground yourself in the fact that you did your best. Don't question who or what you were if you were good! Part of me feeling better post-breakup was realizing that no matter how perfectly I behaved, or had anyone else been in that relationship at that time, my ex still would have behaved the same way.

 

Now, if you did something grave like lying, cheating, or treating someone cruelly, which contributed to the demise of the relationship, shutting them out is a different scenario. But for people who were treated with cruelty, left in a GIGS-style dumping, or something like that, all I'm saying is, *know your value.* No one deserves to be treated cruelly, ever. We're all human, and if we do screw up, we can be grown-ups and talk about it... or find another person who is willing to be a grown-up and put in the effort.

 

Worried about breadcrumbs? Mixed signals? Anything that might upset you? Rig your life so it can't happen. I would rather be rid of someone forever than be plagued by faceless electronic communications.

 

I care about myself first and foremost. The loss of the relationship and the connection we shared is absolutely tragic... but if he didn't value it as much as I did, I deserve better. That's the bottom line at the end of the day.

 

I encourage other people who were hurt and struggling with blocking to consider it differently: not, "What will my ex think of this?" "How will it look if I do XYZ?" but, "What is my value?"

 

I think there's a certain awareness of your own process; for the first two months, I was glad he never showed up because I would have been an emotional mess. I would have received him angrily and cried. It's different now; I could have a conversation with him and not lose my head. Part of me getting my head back made me realize that I simply deserve the courtesy of a face to face.

 

I still welcome it. I am also now free to enjoy my peace and sanity in the present moment.

[me85]

Text is limited, I'll start by saying I don't mean any of this in a bitter way when I say it.

 

I'd LOVE for my ex to come back and tell me that he screwed up (because he did). But, but, but... he'd HAVE to say it to my face. Nothing else is good enough for me.

 

Blocking his phone number, blocking him on Facebook, bouncing his emails, all that goodness forces him to be real and show up at my door (or at least take the time to write a handwritten letter), or it forces him out of my life forever.

 

After what he did, I absolutely do not deserve a stupid Facebook friend request. God no. The price on my dignity is much higher than that.

 

Totally shutting him out everywhere also serves two purposes, both extremely beneficial to my sanity: if he's not contacting, the pain of silence is irrelevant because I chose it, I never have to wonder if the ringing phone is him or if there will be a surprise in my inbox; if he does contact, it weeds out all breadcrumbs and I don't have to beat myself up questioning his intentions, because he clearly grew a pair enough to come to my door, or put the effort into writing me a tangible letter.

 

He knows where I live... heck, he COULD send me flowers! But he hasn't, and this is my point.

 

He's free to come back to me and be real, or free to move on, but I will not be yo-yo'ed around anywhere between.

 

As for "showing him I cared," I poured my soul into that relationship, told him I'd love him and that the door was open when we broke up. He knows. If you were good to someone, don't beat yourself up; ground yourself in the fact that you did your best. Don't question who or what you were if you were good! Part of me feeling better post-breakup was realizing that no matter how perfectly I behaved, or had anyone else been in that relationship at that time, my ex still would have behaved the same way.

 

Now, if you did something grave like lying, cheating, or treating someone cruelly, which contributed to the demise of the relationship, shutting them out is a different scenario. But for people who were treated with cruelty, left in a GIGS-style dumping, or something like that, all I'm saying is, *know your value.* No one deserves to be treated cruelly, ever. We're all human, and if we do screw up, we can be grown-ups and talk about it... or find another person who is willing to be a grown-up and put in the effort.

 

Worried about breadcrumbs? Mixed signals? Anything that might upset you? Rig your life so it can't happen. I would rather be rid of someone forever than be plagued by faceless electronic communications.

 

I care about myself first and foremost. The loss of the relationship and the connection we shared is absolutely tragic... but if he didn't value it as much as I did, I deserve better. That's the bottom line at the end of the day.

 

I encourage other people who were hurt and struggling with blocking to consider it differently: not, "What will my ex think of this?" "How will it look if I do XYZ?" but, "What is my value?"

 

I think there's a certain awareness of your own process; for the first two months, I was glad he never showed up because I would have been an emotional mess. I would have received him angrily and cried. It's different now; I could have a conversation with him and not lose my head. Part of me getting my head back made me realize that I simply deserve the courtesy of a face to face.

 

I still welcome it. I am also now free to enjoy my peace and sanity in the present moment.

 

I second this. Completely. Great post!

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Text is limited, I'll start by saying I don't mean any of this in a bitter way when I say it.

 

I'd LOVE for my ex to come back and tell me that he screwed up (because he did). But, but, but... he'd HAVE to say it to my face. Nothing else is good enough for me.

 

Blocking his phone number, blocking him on Facebook, bouncing his emails, all that goodness forces him to be real and show up at my door (or at least take the time to write a handwritten letter), or it forces him out of my life forever.

 

After what he did, I absolutely do not deserve a stupid Facebook friend request. God no. The price on my dignity is much higher than that.

 

Totally shutting him out everywhere also serves two purposes, both extremely beneficial to my sanity: if he's not contacting, the pain of silence is irrelevant because I chose it, I never have to wonder if the ringing phone is him or if there will be a surprise in my inbox; if he does contact, it weeds out all breadcrumbs and I don't have to beat myself up questioning his intentions, because he clearly grew a pair enough to come to my door, or put the effort into writing me a tangible letter.

 

He knows where I live... heck, he COULD send me flowers! But he hasn't, and this is my point.

 

He's free to come back to me and be real, or free to move on, but I will not be yo-yo'ed around anywhere between.

 

As for "showing him I cared," I poured my soul into that relationship, told him I'd love him and that the door was open when we broke up. He knows. If you were good to someone, don't beat yourself up; ground yourself in the fact that you did your best. Don't question who or what you were if you were good! Part of me feeling better post-breakup was realizing that no matter how perfectly I behaved, or had anyone else been in that relationship at that time, my ex still would have behaved the same way.

 

Now, if you did something grave like lying, cheating, or treating someone cruelly, which contributed to the demise of the relationship, shutting them out is a different scenario. But for people who were treated with cruelty, left in a GIGS-style dumping, or something like that, all I'm saying is, *know your value.* No one deserves to be treated cruelly, ever. We're all human, and if we do screw up, we can be grown-ups and talk about it... or find another person who is willing to be a grown-up and put in the effort.

 

Worried about breadcrumbs? Mixed signals? Anything that might upset you? Rig your life so it can't happen. I would rather be rid of someone forever than be plagued by faceless electronic communications.

 

I care about myself first and foremost. The loss of the relationship and the connection we shared is absolutely tragic... but if he didn't value it as much as I did, I deserve better. That's the bottom line at the end of the day.

 

I encourage other people who were hurt and struggling with blocking to consider it differently: not, "What will my ex think of this?" "How will it look if I do XYZ?" but, "What is my value?"

 

I think there's a certain awareness of your own process; for the first two months, I was glad he never showed up because I would have been an emotional mess. I would have received him angrily and cried. It's different now; I could have a conversation with him and not lose my head. Part of me getting my head back made me realize that I simply deserve the courtesy of a face to face.

 

I still welcome it. I am also now free to enjoy my peace and sanity in the present moment.

 

simply awesome & well put =}

[AnOldshoe]

Thanks so much for this Lifegoeson

 

I have been having a hard time finding a direction about what to do in my situation. I am going to do what you suggest and I know things will work out for the best

 

Thankyou

[Invictus01]

Somehow it always works like that. You move on for good and not even think about them anymore, they come back. Well, at least the ones who do come back. Even if you didn't even have that long of a relationship.

 

A year and a half ago tried to date this 25 year old girl. She went out with me a couple of times but was generally flaky and non committal (granted that she just got royally screwed over by a couple of different guys in a span of a year or so, one of which featured her finding out that her "boyfriend" married somebody out of the blue). Finally said "f@ck it" and left her alone. Run into her last month, she literally raced across the bar to give me a huge hug, asked me why I didn't keep in touch and how she is ready to date now. Except that I'm not really interested anymore.

 

A couple of years ago dated a girl for a few months. She was coming out of a relationship too where the guy didn't treat her right. We broke up once, got together after I chased her for a while. She really got me going. Then she broke up with me again and I just couldn't go chasing anymore, I was so tired and spent. Went NC, broke it 3 months into it, then again 6 months into it. Then 10 months after the breakup texted her something stupid 'cause I was bored and she immediately wanted to meet up and catch up. I did but only because I was already over her. She poured her heart out, told me that I was the best and greatest guy she has ever dated and if I would consider getting back together. I said I'll think about it. Never saw her again or gave her my answer 'cause I was done and I wasn't even dating anybody.

 

Going through this again right now after a break up. You just need to let it go and whatever happens happens. Maybe this will be different down the road or it won't be. But first thing you need to do is to let it go...

Edited November 24, 2014 by Invictus01

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Thanks so much for this Lifegoeson

 

I have been having a hard time finding a direction about what to do in my situation. I am going to do what you suggest and I know things will work out for the best

 

Thankyou

 

You're welcome, I am glad I can help you and others with the same knowledge and guidance ive been given by many others here, however..

 

"No one saves us but ourselves, no one shall and no one may, we ourselves must walk the path. " - Buddha (I think)

 

Walk the path my friend!

[ralfgarnett]

I thought one of the key things with this NC malarkey is that you don't tell them your doing it you just do it and let them wonder where you have gone too without giving them a heads up or am I missing something ? .

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I thought one of the key things with this NC malarkey is that you don't tell them your doing it you just do it and let them wonder where you have gone too without giving them a heads up or am I missing something ? .

 

 

You can let then know whatever way you want to.

 

Disappear, tell them you're done with the bullsh#t etc etc

 

The key is sticking to it.

[ralfgarnett]

You can let then know whatever way you want to.

 

Disappear, tell them you're done with the bullsh#t etc etc

 

The key is sticking to it.

 

 

 

Ok I get all that but how do you do it ? I mean actually do it ?, we have just had our 20 years anniversary and been apart sice July yes its getting eaiser but still hard after that amount of time, but I know I need to do this either way to win or move on, so I need a mugs guide, do I answer phone calls, do I reply to e-mails and texts ?, what do I do when she wants to come round with curries and shopping, my birthday is 2 weeks today and sshe wants to make the effort and take me out for dinner, some might say its because she cares others because she feels guilty more fekking breadcrumbs, I need to know exactly how to play the NC game like the pro that you are mr guru please advise I really want to do this and don't want to slip on it, I have 17 years of marriage and 20 years together to win back, or either to move on from, and I genuinely need help with this as I have been so down that I have the ability to slip at the drop of a hat but I know I need to be strong and do this for me yes MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE not her, for example I have 2 weeks left of being in my 40's and it scares me, she is nearly 44 so a few years my junior, I feel old tbh don't look it but feel it maybe no surprise after all the shot ive been through this last few months with strees and depression, sooooo this latest attempt at NC has to work, so please dear boy tell me how I need to play things, do I announce in advance or just disappear with no explanation ?

Edited November 27, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[Ducktape]

In your situation, I would tell her I need some time to heal, to move on, to let go. Since you've been together for some time and it's no small relationship, I wouldn't disappear out of the blue. Do the explanation I proposed, say you're doing it for you.

 

She decided that she wants you out of her life when she broke up with you, you don't have to feel guilty about taking some time off for yourself.

 

And once you're in NC, you're in NC. No LC. You don't reply to anything she sends. Unless of course she states that she's sorry and made a mistake, wants to work things out. Then you can decide at that point if that's still what you want, or if the NC helped you enough to not want that anymore.

[ralfgarnett]

In your situation, I would tell her I need some time to heal, to move on, to let go. Since you've been together for some time and it's no small relationship, I wouldn't disappear out of the blue. Do the explanation I proposed, say you're doing it for you.

 

She decided that she wants you out of her life when she broke up with you, you don't have to feel guilty about taking some time off for yourself.

 

And once you're in NC, you're in NC. No LC. You don't reply to anything she sends. Unless of course she states that she's sorry and made a mistake, wants to work things out. Then you can decide at that point if that's still what you want, or if the NC helped you enough to not want that anymore.

 

 

Hi DT, I appreciate your reply, but I have a problem with explaining myself to her in advance, she is so kind gentle and understanding she would actually accept it and regardless if she liked my decision or not she would irritatingly just get on with it in silence much to my annoyance she wouldn't tell me it was upsetting her and that in turn would get on my threpennies big time, I need to make an impact on her so she notices and yes if needs be worries and gets stressed and upset, I hate upsetting her and we have laways been considerate to each other but she doesn't seem to care about what she has done to me so I have answered my own queries I am just going to disappear and let her wonder where I have gone and she wont see the kittys and that will get to her

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Ok I get all that but how do you do it ? I mean actually do it ?, we have just had our 20 years anniversary and been apart sice July yes its getting eaiser but still hard after that amount of time, but I know I need to do this either way to win or move on, so I need a mugs guide, do I answer phone calls, do I reply to e-mails and texts ?, what do I do when she wants to come round with curries and shopping, my birthday is 2 weeks today and sshe wants to make the effort and take me out for dinner, some might say its because she cares others because she feels guilty more fekking breadcrumbs, I need to know exactly how to play the NC game like the pro that you are mr guru please advise I really want to do this and don't want to slip on it, I have 17 years of marriage and 20 years together to win back, or either to move on from, and I genuinely need help with this as I have been so down that I have the ability to slip at the drop of a hat but I know I need to be strong and do this for me yes MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE not her, for example I have 2 weeks left of being in my 40's and it scares me, she is nearly 44 so a few years my junior, I feel old tbh don't look it but feel it maybe no surprise after all the shot ive been through this last few months with strees and depression, sooooo this latest attempt at NC has to work, so please dear boy tell me how I need to play things, do I announce in advance or just disappear with no explanation ?

 

Once you've broken up, none of anything you are concerned about matters, you don't answer anything until she ends up at your door begging to take her back.(ok maybe an email, letter, etc will do cuz it does take a lot of courage to do it face to face) however you do not reply to *anything* else...understand? Re-read the guide again dude.

 

I would just tell her you do not want any contact with her while you figure your life out, that's all. Don't give her a deadline or anything, you dont owe her anything, either that or just disappear,Thats it.

 

She did dump you right?

[ralfgarnett]

Yep she left our marriage old boy, I want to do the entire disappearing thing NC all the way, I want her to notice that we are not around, not taking calls, not replying to emails, please mr maestro tell me how to do it I need to do this so badly I have been a needy, weak will snivvling wreck since July, I feel as though I have lost my dignity and respect, please will you helpme tgrough this mate I need your guidance, I feel like Ian Carmicheal in School for scoundrels and you are the professor of one upmanship played by Alistair Sim, one of my fave films of all time, but joking aside I need to nail this entire NC thing big time to maintain my mental health and to move forward.

Edited November 28, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Yep she left our marriage old boy, I want to do the entire disappearing thing NC all the way, I want her to notice that we are not around, not taking calls, not replying to emails, please mr maestro tell me how to do it I need to do this so badly I have been a needy, weak will snivvling wreck since July, I feel as though I have lost my dignity and respect, please will you helpme tgrough this mate I need your guidance, I feel like Ian Carmicheal in School for scoundrels and you are the professor of one upmanship played by Alistair Sim, one of my fave films of all time, but joking aside I need to nail this entire NC thing big time to maintain my mental health and to move forward.

 

Mike:*Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

 

Rob:*You don't call.

 

Mike:*But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

 

Rob:*Right.

 

Mike:*So I don't call either way?

 

Rob:*Right.

 

Mike:*So what's the difference?

 

Rob:*There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

 

Mike:*So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

 

Rob:*Right.

 

Mike:*Well that sucks.

 

Rob:*Yeah, it sucks.

 

Mike:*So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

 

Rob:*Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

 

Mike:*What do you mean?

 

Rob:*I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

 

Mike:*Well what if she comes back first?

 

Rob:*Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

 

Mike:*There's the rub.

 

Rob:*There's the rub.

 

 

From the movie "Swingers", good movie, watch it.

Edited November 28, 2014 by LifeGoesOnMan

[Ducktape]

Hi DT, I appreciate your reply, but I have a problem with explaining myself to her in advance, she is so kind gentle and understanding she would actually accept it and regardless if she liked my decision or not she would irritatingly just get on with it in silence much to my annoyance she wouldn't tell me it was upsetting her and that in turn would get on my threpennies big time, I need to make an impact on her so she notices and yes if needs be worries and gets stressed and upset, I hate upsetting her and we have laways been considerate to each other but she doesn't seem to care about what she has done to me so I have answered my own queries I am just going to disappear and let her wonder where I have gone and she wont see the kittys and that will get to her

I understand your point, but I think you don't really understand NC. NC is about you, not about her. Quit trying to predict her reaction to it, what she will think, what she will do, etc. She dumped you, her feelings are irrelevant as of now, it's only about you.

[ralfgarnett]

Yep ok I get the cut and paste but I am fecked if I know what you are actually talking about please instead of re-postimg just explain / just answer the best you can, as you can see I am a north uk and we are very honest and direct please rsvp the same old bean

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Yep ok I get the cut and paste but I am fecked if I know what you are actually talking about please instead of re-postimg just explain / just answer the best you can, as you can see I am a north uk and we are very honest and direct please rsvp the same old bean

 

here's the bottom line:

 

there is not a single thing you can do other than to cut her life out of yours completely, and proceed to living your own.

[me85]

here's the bottom line:

 

there is not a single thing you can do other than to cut her life out of yours completely, and proceed to living your own.

 

This advice is pure gold. More people should treasure it.

[ralfgarnett]

Thanks chaps, I still don't fully understand though but in saying that I still don't fully understand why she's not here any more and judging by our last conversation I don't think she does either.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

Thanks chaps, I still don't fully understand though but in saying that I still don't fully understand why she's not here any more and judging by our last conversation I don't think she does either.

 

It sucks, I know, but my words come from experience.

 

I did *everything* I could and the only thing that ever made her come back was when I walked away.

 

And even when she did come back, things still didn't end up working out.

 

the truth is once you've broken up, its broken, it will never be what it once was because the innocence of the relationship is gone.

 

the truth hurts and it will piss you off, but then it will set you free.

 

Cheers!