erklat Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 (edited) I think there are others point of view to consider, more than the strict "the dumper always has to come back". This post fron eNotAlone can give more perspective on what i mean. More info from a Dumpers Perspective.... Dude, have you lived through a heartbreak? Playing stupid games and putting yourself first (since you put yours first during breakup firsthand) is cowardice and selfishness. I had one girl where she went AWOL and I just stopped responding and chasing after two messages, but I didn't care much about her first. She approached the reconciliation the right way couple of months later. I already had new woman and even though we haven't reconciled I respected her. And I still do. Edited December 4, 2014 by erklat Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 Contacted me this morning wants to come round over the weekend to see us for an hour, I haven't had any contact with her for over a week now and I don't want to break my NC but not sure if I should reply and say its not convenient or just ignore her, and she wants to take me out for lunch next week for my birday thinking about just ignoring that too even though it would mean some company on my birthday I am prepared to not contact her for the good of the NC long haul please can somebody advise as feeling a bit confused and worried that I will be forced in to breaking NC and at the end of the day NC = NC Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 Don't meet with her. I don't know of your story but no substantial changes could not have occurred in time span so short. Remember - you are the only person capable of breaking your nc. Link to post Share on other sites
Mangiafuoco Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 Dude, have you lived through a heartbreak? Playing stupid games and putting yourself first (since you put yours first during breakup firsthand) is cowardice and selfishness. What are you speaking about mate? read better, it's not about playing games Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 What are you speaking about mate? read better, it's not about playing games I read the other opinion and between the lines it says I broke your heart, put you through hell and I still value my ego more than your feelings. Not a very good foundation for reconciliation IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Mangiafuoco Posted December 6, 2014 Share Posted December 6, 2014 I read the other opinion and between the lines it says I broke your heart, put you through hell and I still value my ego more than your feelings. Not a very good foundation for reconciliation IMO. Sorry i don't follow, my post is not about the ego, it's more about kindness respect and love Link to post Share on other sites
Dobie Posted December 6, 2014 Share Posted December 6, 2014 Contacted me this morning wants to come round over the weekend to see us for an hour, I haven't had any contact with her for over a week now and I don't want to break my NC but not sure if I should reply and say its not convenient or just ignore her, and she wants to take me out for lunch next week for my birday thinking about just ignoring that too even though it would mean some company on my birthday I am prepared to not contact her for the good of the NC long haul please can somebody advise as feeling a bit confused and worried that I will be forced in to breaking NC and at the end of the day NC = NC Ralf at least your x has some sort of heart (mine left on my bday and took all my presents) I know how crap you must be feeling mate , 20 years is a long time pal but she knows how u feel and you need to heal up and set some boundrys let her feel what its like not to have you there on bday and xmass . just tell her sorry but I need to start living my life with you not there for my healing I need space . Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted December 6, 2014 Share Posted December 6, 2014 Sorry i don't follow, my post is not about the ego, it's more about kindness respect and love It says that the dumpee has to be kind towards the dumper in case that dumper chooses to return because the dumper is reluctant to put their dignity and emotions on the line. They were not reluctant when they put yours on the line. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newlyborn Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 it is very, very difficult to communicate with an ex, depending on the level of seriousness of the relationship, whether dumper or dumpee. the shame, betrayal, and loss of trust that the dumpee feels is monumental. and dumpers usually feel that they have simply done what is best for them, that they had no real choice. by the time, the two begin to communicate, both must demonstrate self-possession, calm, respect for the other. this is before the issue of rebuilding attraction or rebuilding the relationship comes into play. at this point, it is just about not compromising the dignity and well-being of the other. for dumpers, this usually means that they want to feel like the dumpee still holds them in high esteem, wants to be around them, but doesn't expect retribution or demand reconciliation. for the dumpee, this usually means that they want to feel valued by the dumper, want to understand how the other could cause them such pain, and (usually) want another chance. it is not hard to see that the dumper holds much of the power here, just because they were the one to exit. the only way for a dumpee to engage the dumper is from a place of rebuilt self-esteem, a zen-like calm, general human warmth, but absolutely no investment in the ultimate outcome. i know that people say that the dumper has to come back begging, but i don't think this can be trusted. it is not like dating from scratch after a breakup. i think that the path to reconciliation has to be through friendship, though consistent exchanges of good will, through showing up for the other in ways that matter, and deciding only then that it is worth it to put a romance back on the table. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 Yes, there has to be human warmth but when communication has been established, not before. Are you saying that you get dumped - you go through denial - you beg and pine - after all you go to a long no contact - you reach out? This doesn't seem right to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mangiafuoco Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 It says that the dumpee has to be kind towards the dumper in case that dumper chooses to return because the dumper is reluctant to put their dignity and emotions on the line. They were not reluctant when they put yours on the line. I got your point, but at the same time this seems to me a bit like if he jumps off the cliff, you jump too. And surely the "They were not reluctant when they put yours on the line".... so i'll do the same with them, is about pride and ego, not love. The link i posted, in my opinion it's more about not to be too harsh against the dumper (if you still love her/him ofc), focus on yourself, be calm, be mature. So then after the breakup go for your way, work on yourself, become better (but this is a general rule in life, not only after a breakup) look around you maybe you will meet a better person. And if some time has passed and if the dumper contact you, hey nothing wrong on establish some contact without being obsessive and loading on the dumper's shoulders your emotions. But the whole they have to come back begging and crawling, that i read often, is so naif. Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 I don't think there can be a one-rule-applies-to-all thing when it comes to whether the dumper or dumpee should/must initiate, because different situations can be really, well different, and it would affect perception and thus what would be best. If Partner A dumps Partner B, because Partner B acted like a total flipping douche, then it would probably not be in Partner B's best interest to just wait for Partner A to come "crawling back" if they want them back. In that sort of scenario I'd advise Partner B to take the effort and initiative to try to fix things, and then do it again after a while if Partner A runs cold for a while. But that is extremely different from a scenario in which Partner A dumps Partner B, simply because Partner A "isn't sure about this anymore" and "needs some space" out of left field. In that case I wouldn't advise Partner B to initiate anything, period. I don't think love/romance/dating/etc is anywhere near simple enough for a one-size-fits-all rule book. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newlyborn Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 (edited) Are you saying that you get dumped - you go through denial - you beg and pine - after all you go to a long no contact - you reach out? This doesn't seem right to me. i don't think that people who are dumped should reach out. ever. my ex reached out to me after 1.5 years when i moved to his city. (he found out through professional circles and then sent a slew of emails, eventually asking me to have dinner with him.) he dumped me due to the distance, and we had been in NC for 1.5 years. my post was really about communicating with an ex who comes back. Edited December 7, 2014 by newlyborn Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 I got your point, but at the same time this seems to me a bit like if he jumps off the cliff, you jump too. And surely the "They were not reluctant when they put yours on the line".... so i'll do the same with them, is about pride and ego, not love. The link i posted, in my opinion it's more about not to be too harsh against the dumper (if you still love her/him ofc), focus on yourself, be calm, be mature. So then after the breakup go for your way, work on yourself, become better (but this is a general rule in life, not only after a breakup) look around you maybe you will meet a better person. And if some time has passed and if the dumper contact you, hey nothing wrong on establish some contact without being obsessive and loading on the dumper's shoulders your emotions. But the whole they have to come back begging and crawling, that i read often, is so naif. It's not about ego, it is about personal boundaries. Dumpees do not bite. But you Can't take attitude of someone who didn't break a heart - because you did. Showing them your emotions is a big no - no either way. That is figurative speech. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amorydiver Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 question. I've lurked on here from time to time. and I know everyones different. but, and ive only been nc for 6 DAYS. 6 days! but. I am the man in this thing, and ive given in before and she's come back. but I guess im finally to the point where if this thing between us is ever going to actually work it HAS to be HER, chasing me. ive chased, and we've made it 2.5 yrs. at certain point either she HAS to chase me or we are done for good? this is my last stand. . . u guys think ive lost so much dignity and respect from her at this point that she'll never call? I thought we've grown beyond this ****. thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 Dignity comes from the way you handle yourself, not from the way other people treat you. Letting her chase you and come around (or walk away) is the most dignified thing you can do when someone doesn't want to be with you. If they don't want to be with you, it's undignified to pursue that, because, as a human being, you have intrinsic value and it's up to you to recognize that. I know all of what I'm saying isn't what you FEEL fresh out of a breakup, but I promise you, it's the truth. If someone doesn't value your time or appreciate you, let it go. Someone needs to treat you as well as you treat yourself, at the minimum, or it's lowering your quality of life. Give the NC some time. It started working its magic for me around 6 weeks, and my perspective shifted seriously at the 3 month mark. It's a rollercoaster journey, there are ups and downs emotionally with every new realization you have, but the longer you stick to it, the more your strength will grow. You'll go from feeling terrible with NC to having it suddenly hit you one day, this awesome feeling of inner strength and discipline... aka, YOUR power. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeGoesOnMan Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 I don't think there can be a one-rule-applies-to-all thing when it comes to whether the dumper or dumpee should/must initiate, because different situations can be really, well different, and it would affect perception and thus what would be best. If Partner A dumps Partner B, because Partner B acted like a total flipping douche, then it would probably not be in Partner B's best interest to just wait for Partner A to come "crawling back" if they want them back. In that sort of scenario I'd advise Partner B to take the effort and initiative to try to fix things, and then do it again after a while if Partner A runs cold for a while. But that is extremely different from a scenario in which Partner A dumps Partner B, simply because Partner A "isn't sure about this anymore" and "needs some space" out of left field. In that case I wouldn't advise Partner B to initiate anything, period. I don't think love/romance/dating/etc is anywhere near simple enough for a one-size-fits-all rule book. you make good points, however, when you're the one who was dumped, and suffering, no contact IS the one-size-fits-all rule book to get your sanity and yourself back. Link to post Share on other sites
lindsay91313 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 basically, if you want them back, get to a place you dont want them back Couldn't agree more. I went almost no contact (we still live together and have a son together) for three/four months and he saw how great I was doing and wanted in on it. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Wobbling please help, Thursday is my birday, as you know she has mentioned us going out for lunch or dinner either is fine by me, not spoken to her now for nearly 2 weeks so not even certain if she still has plans or not, my first inclination was not to break NC and ignore her if invited, BUT a bit of me is now thinking what the hell if she asks why not go as I have nothing to lose and who knows I might even have something to gain, a few pressies, meal out, and what if she has news for me that she might like to try again in some way and this could be her way of doing it, also I am putting myself back in her shop window and should be taking the chance for her to see what a great chap Ralf is and fall for me all over again, am I being unrealistic ?, am I deluded ?, am I just so lost and lonely that I would go just for the company even though the chances are heavily in favour of breadcrumbs, don't get me wrong im not sitting here worried our panicking about it, after weeks of certainty about it a bit of me is thinking what harm could it do ?, after all we have been married over 17 years and had a really good relationship and we have been pretty well amicable since we separated, anyway I hope this all makes sense and as ever dear people I wait your views and sound advice. Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Wobbling please help, Thursday is my birday, as you know she has mentioned us going out for lunch or dinner either is fine by me, not spoken to her now for nearly 2 weeks so not even certain if she still has plans or not, my first inclination was not to break NC and ignore her if invited, BUT a bit of me is now thinking what the hell if she asks why not go as I have nothing to lose and who knows I might even have something to gain, a few pressies, meal out, and what if she has news for me that she might like to try again in some way and this could be her way of doing it, also I am putting myself back in her shop window and should be taking the chance for her to see what a great chap Ralf is and fall for me all over again, am I being unrealistic ?, am I deluded ?, am I just so lost and lonely that I would go just for the company even though the chances are heavily in favour of breadcrumbs, don't get me wrong im not sitting here worried our panicking about it, after weeks of certainty about it a bit of me is thinking what harm could it do ?, after all we have been married over 17 years and had a really good relationship and we have been pretty well amicable since we separated, anyway I hope this all makes sense and as ever dear people I wait your views and sound advice. Yeah, that would be valid for someone in the right state of mind - from your writing I can tell you're nowhere near there. Until you reach the state of Zen like tranquility , every interaction for You will end in fiasco. I am so long in nc I can't count and I wish to inflict only pain on her, but I Would probably waver going out with her. Link to post Share on other sites
tikay00 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 If you're ex is in a new relationship, and it's not a rebound, there's 0% chance of any hope, right? Link to post Share on other sites
toffeecream77 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 This is the same approach that got an ex back years ago. As soon as I properly moved on (3-4 months), he started talking to me and we even went out a few times. But I did not give him much attention, I basically couldn't care if he was there with me or not, and I gave very short replies to text messages etc. We got back together for around a year. With my current ex, things are more difficult. I have moved to another country. He might end up here in 8-9 months. But of course I won't wait that long. I'm not even waiting now, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping to receive an email or call saying he made a mistake. He gave up a hell of a lot...and for what, I'm not too sure. As we were breaking up, it dragged on for 6 weeks, he did keep voicing his concerns that he would regret - but that seems to be initial guilty dumpers feel, right? Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 If you're ex is in a new relationship, and it's not a rebound, there's 0% chance of any hope, right? she isn't and neither am I. Link to post Share on other sites
tikay00 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 she isn't and neither am I. Huh? I was asking for me. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Yeah, that would be valid for someone in the right state of mind - from your writing I can tell you're nowhere near there. Until you reach the state of Zen like tranquility , every interaction for You will end in fiasco. I am so long in nc I can't count and I wish to inflict only pain on her, but I Would probably waver going out with her. Wise words I think your right, thanks mate I think you have just put me back on track (I think) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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